by Chase Connor
Alex’s brow furrowed, and he looked horrified.
“I thought you were going to break up with me.” He said. “Because I fucking don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve a lot right now.”
“No.” I sighed with a chuckle. “You don’t. But I don’t want to break up with you, Alex. I love you. I want to be with you. But I need you to understand me better than you do. I need you to take responsibility for your privilege. Hell, to even understand it and acknowledge it. I don’t need you to put me on a pedestal or give me special treatment. If you could just take off the blinders to what’s going on outside of the world of rich, white people, though, that’d be great.”
“Cooper.” Alex reached out tentatively for my hand.
I let him lace his fingers through mine.
“I’m going to fuck up again.” He said. “I guarantee it. But I guarantee that every time that I do, I’ll work hard to fix it. And I’ll communicate my feelings better and immediately when I have them. All I ask is that you tell me when I need to notice something that I’m not noticing. And that you forgive me.”
Tentatively, I gave Alex’s hand a squeeze as I looked down at our two hands pressed together.
“I forgive you,” I said. “And I hope you and your dad will forgive me for not telling you about the speech, and—”
“We do.”
“—well, I’ll want to hear him say it, too. But I can’t have dinner at your house tonight. Cheryl is making tacos for us.”
“That’s cool.” Alex nodded eagerly. “Any night you want to come over, Dad and Mom would love to have you eat with us.”
“Tomorrow?”
“I’ll text him right now.” Alex reached for his pocket with his free hand.
“Hey.” I stopped him. “I want you to eat with us tonight.”
Alex cringed.
“What?” I asked.
“Your dad fucking hates me, Cooper.”
“You don’t know how much.” I laughed. A genuine laugh, not a tentative laugh to avoid hurting Alex’s feelings.
He cringed harder.
“But, maybe, if you said some of the things to him that you just said to me,” I shrugged, “he’ll hate you a little less. He’s hated you for not understanding how you and I fit as a couple in this world. He only wants you to understand the disparity in our privilege and to respect that.”
Alex nodded. “Okay. But you won’t let him hurt me?”
“I haven’t yet, have I?” I playfully tugged at his hand.
“No.” He laughed. “Though I deserved it.”
Tentatively, Alex scooted forward on the bed until he was right next to me, his hip touching my knee. His eyes locked on mine and he held our hands up to his chest, right over his heart.
“Do you really forgive me?” He said. “Do you believe that I want to understand you and what it means to be you? Because I do. I really do. And I’m really fucking sorry for treating you like absolute shit, Cooper. I love you with every fiber of my being.”
I rolled my eyes playfully.
“Well, if you’re going to beg, then—”
And then Alex was pressing his lips against mine. I didn’t hesitate to return the kiss as I let go of his hand and took his face in my hands. I was glad that I had told him to close my door.
Maybe Alex wasn’t perfect. And I wasn’t dumb enough to believe that he’d suddenly had a huge revelation about who I was and who he was. But if he was going to make a commitment to do better each day going forward, I was willing to help him do that. When you love someone, you know that they won’t be perfect, they might even fuck up on an epic scale day after day. However, if they love you enough—and have enough respect for you and the relationship—and they want to be the best person they can be…sometimes you have to put in some work, too. And I was willing to work with Alex on being the best couple we could be, regardless of what that looked like on the outside.
Dad wasn’t going to be happy.
But he’d learn to love it my relationship as much as I did.
Chapter 10
Logan
I was standing in the young adult fantasy section when my phone vibrated in my pocket. Pulling it out of my pocket and opening the texting app showed me that I had received a message from Alex.
I smiled to myself as I slid my phone back into my pocket after our short text conversation. When Alex had texted me to tell me everything his father had said about Cooper, how much he admired him and was proud of him, why they had been upset, and then having seen the live streaming of the foundation announcement—which I wasn’t supposed to know about—I had given some advice. Essentially, I had told Alex that he was a fucking idiot and needed to get his head out of his ass. Doing my best to explain that Dextrus was a much different experience for Cooper than it had been for the two of us, I advised Alex to try to see things from Cooper’s side. Additionally, I reminded Alex that Cooper was not an unreasonable person. If he shared his feelings, talked things through with Cooper like an adult, things would be okay. But he was the biggest douchebag in this particular scenario, so he needed to suck it up and go over to talk to him.
He took my advice. Holy shit. I thought to myself.
When A.J. snuck up behind me and grabbed me around the middle, I nearly came out of my skin. Somehow, I managed to keep from screaming out an expletive from shock, and instead, just laughed as he squeezed me. Getting an impromptu hug from your boyfriend in your favorite bookstore in Burlington is definitely not the worst thing that can happen in a day. Even if it nearly makes you shit your pants.
“Hey, you.” I chuckled as he stepped around my body, though his hands stayed on my sides.
“Hey.” He smiled up at me, his hands at my waist. “Did you find a book yet?”
“This one.” I shrugged and held up the book that had been in my hand when I felt my phone vibrate.
A.J. examined the cover of the book that had four teenagers lying in a grassy field, books open and laid over their faces.
“Fantasy, huh?”
“Yeah.” I chuckled. “I mean, try something new, ya’ know? My Harry Potter and Percy Jackson books are about worn out.”
He laughed.
“Nothing wrong with giving old favorites a break.” A.J. agreed. “I’ll borrow it from you when you’re done.”
“What did you find?”
“Everything.” He laughed. “I want every book in here.”
I gave an exaggerated groan.
“That makes me so horny for you.” I leaned down to whisper playfully.
“You’re horny for me no matter what.” He whispered back. “Don’t try to deny it.”
“I would never.” I gave him a quick kiss.
A.J. sighed as I pulled away, his hands still on my sides. Gently, I reached down and pushed his hands away with a waggle of my eyebrows.
“Bookstore, babe.” I reminded him.
Clearing his throat, he moved back slightly.
“Right.” He nodded. “I have to control myself around you in here. So, do you want to go to the car and risk a public disorder charge or what?
My hand went over my mouth to muffle the laugh that exploded from my throat. A.J. knew how to make me laugh like no one else in the world—and he knew how to do it in a way that made me want to have my way with him. Right there in the bookstore, even. As I stared into my boyfriend’s eyes in our favorite independent bookstore, I had to smile when I thought about how nervous I had been at the beginning of summer. Why had I been worried about what our future would hold? Sure, we didn’t know where we were headed, but I never should have doubted that we were headed there together.
He leaned in closer. “It’s harder and harder every day to control myself around you, babe.”
Chewing at my lip for a second, I finally leaned in and kissed him comically on the top of his head. A.J. swatted at me for a second, then his hands began straightening his hair as he laughed.
“You do that just to annoy me.” He laughed loudly,
ignoring the fact that we were in a bookstore.
“Shhh.” I reminded him. “And of course.”
“Well,” he folded his arms over his chest and stared up at me pugnaciously, though I knew it was an act, “I guess I’ll just have to endure it until one of us dies of old age.”
Smiling, I grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the young adult fantasy section, my chosen book gripped firmly in my other hand. Together, we walked toward the check-out counter. The future was going to be exciting, both because I had a new book and author to try and because I didn’t have any reservations about my relationship with A.J. Even though summer had started out a little tricky, our guys’ trip to Maine had been tense, and the last several weeks I had been unsure of what the future held for our group of friends, I couldn’t help but feel hopeful.
A few days before Alex had texted to tell me that he didn’t know what to do and how to talk to Cooper, I had told Dad my concerns. I had gone into his office at the house, and we had a long talk about everything that was going through my mind. And there was a lot of it. I told him about Alex and Cooper and how that worried me. I told him about the trip and how it didn’t suck, but it wasn’t everything I wanted it to be. I told him about Alex and Cooper fighting on the side of the road. Then I told him how I was concerned that A.J. didn’t see a future with me. Lastly, I explained how I was concerned that I didn’t know what to do for my future.
After I rambled for what seemed hours, Dad walked around to the front of his desk, sat on the edge, and looked me in the eyes.
“Do you know what Robert H. Schuller said about the future?” He had asked.
“I don’t even know who Robert H. Schuller is.”
“He said: ‘let your hopes, not your hurts shape your future.’” Dad had explained. “If you hope that you and A.J. will stay together and build a future together, work on that. If you want to help Cooper and Alex stop being idiots, do that. But don’t wallow in what you worry about for the future, Loganberry, because you have no control over that whatsoever.”
I had taken what he’d said to heart. So, when Alex texted me, I told him to pull his head out of his ass, stop being butt hurt, and fix his and Cooper’s future. Right that second. The fact that he listened was a miracle, but I was happy that he did. Maybe Alex was a douchebag sometimes, but he was Cooper’s douchebag. Eventually, he would become the person that Cooper deserved.
After my book was paid for, A.J. and I exited the bookstore, hand in hand, my other free hand holding my shopping bag. As we walked to the car, I didn’t care that we were two guys in a relationship, holding hands in public. Ever since Cooper’s valedictorian speech had shown up on YouTube, I had decided to be more courageous in being my most genuine self, too. A.J. and I had taken baby steps over the weeks afterward, but we finally worked up to not really caring much if people knew we loved each other. Besides, we were in Vermont—if that’s not the best place to come out and test the waters, I didn’t know where else we’d do it. I found myself laughing softly as we walked through the parking lot, unashamed of holding hands.
“What?” A.J. chuckled nervously.
“It’s just funny.” I squeezed his hand. “How things are okay now. I mean…a few weeks ago, I knew everything was just fucked up.”
He laughed and squeezed my hand back.
“I guess Cooper was just full of crap.”
“What do you mean?” He asked as we approached his car.
“We weren’t just summer to each other’s hearts.” I shrugged and started to walk to the passenger side.
A.J. gripped my hand tightly and kept me from walking away.
“What?”
“It’s a poem that—”
“Yeah.” He nodded. “Edna St. Vincent Millay. We read it in Mr. Weissman’s class. Sonnet 27.”
“I forget how smart you are sometimes.” I teased. “Maybe because you’re often such a goofball.”
He smiled softly. “Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re not just summer to my heart.” He shook his head. “But we will have to live through some summers. If you grow old with someone, your heart is going to see a lot of seasons. All you have to do is try harder and wait for the season to change.”
Staring down at A.J., I felt my heart swell, as though pushing against my breastbone. I finally understood the poem. Or, at least, one way someone could interpret it.
“Well,” I stated tentatively, “I want to be with you until winter ends.”
“I could think of worse ways to spend my coldest days.”
Then we were kissing again. When I finally pulled away, A.J. looked up at me nervously, as though afraid to speak.
“Just say it.” I chuckled nervously.
“Well,” He began, “first, I love the fuck out of you.”
“I love the fuck out of you, too.”
“I want to learn to be a chef.” He blurted out. “Uh, yeah. I want to go to culinary school. I’ve been thinking about it all summer, but I was kind of, I don’t know, embarrassed by that? It’s not something that will exactly lead to a shit ton of money—not necessarily—and it’s a weird lifestyle—and I’m dumpy, so of course, there will be jokes, but—”
“Stop putting yourself down.”
“—but that’s what I want to do.”
“Where will you go to do that?” I chewed at my lip.
“Well,” He grinned evilly, “that’s the best part, babe.”
Chapter 11
Cooper
Dad was happy for me, but he wasn’t super happy for me. He was sitting on the end of my bed as I put my last article of clothing in my final suitcase and clasped it shut with finality. When I had told him that Alex and I wanted to leave for school a week early so that we could take Alex’s SUV to California with us, he had nearly lost his shit. He had planned on the two of us flying out at the last minute so he could have every last second with me. Over the following weeks, he warmed up to the idea, though, realizing it would give me the opportunity to see more of the country. Since we had never been able to travel much, he was grateful that Alex and his SUV would afford me that opportunity. And having a car at UCLA would allow us to do more things while we were in California. So, he eventually got on board and stopped complaining too much about the change in plans.
Of course, those weeks before I left with Alex were filled with Dad scheduling me to within an inch of my life. We had family dinner nearly every night. We spent afternoons at Lake Champlain. We curled up on the sofa and had movie marathons with obscene amounts of snacks. We talked about life, our relationships with Cheryl and Alex, our memories of me growing up, we reminisced about mom. Dad made sure that he squeezed every last bit of juice from the orange, and I was more than happy to let him do it.
“You will call me every night.” He stated in no uncertain terms as I lowered the suitcase to the floor.
I looked over at him with a smile.
“I’ll probably call you more than that,” I assured him. “But definitely at least each night before bed.”
“It’s nice of Bill to give you boys the money for your trip.” He said. “I’ll have to thank him. Even if it’ll hurt a little.”
Dad and Bill Johnson, Alex’s father, were still on slightly rocky terms, but I knew that eventually, they’d be back to being friends like before.
“It was very nice of him,” I said. “So, don’t be mean to him when you speak to him. Okay?”
Dad waved me off, but I knew he agreed.
“And Alex has been an angel the last month,” I said, then grinned evilly. “Well, outside of the bedroom.”
“That’s it.” Dad stood abruptly. “I’m killing him.”
I laughed loudly as Dad glowered at me. In my heart of hearts, I knew Dad would always hate Alex in some way, no matter how much he worked on being the best man for me. No matter how good he was too me, Alex was still the guy violating his son night after night, so there was no way he’d ever be fully on board with liki
ng him. Father’s—you just can’t win sometimes. But even when you lose, if you have a good one, it turns into a win in the end.
“If I can stomach knowing you and Cheryl do…things…I think you’re just going to have to get over Alex and me, Dad.” I laughed.
Dad sighed and plopped down onto the bed again, defeated, yet amused.
“Son,” He began, “I was both excited for this day to come and dreading that it would arrive.”
I looked down at my feet, doing my best to be stoic. Setting Dad off would set me off, and then we’d both be a mess.
“I guess you never fully realize that one day your kid is going to go off and start a life that doesn’t revolve around you anymore.” He said. “It’s equally the proudest a parent can be and the most depressed. You did your job—but you fucked yourself over in the process.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at that.
“It’s hard to describe what’s it feels like to know you did a great job and have such an amazing kid but also hate that you made them so capable of being independent.”
“I think I understand.”
“You better knock ‘em dead, dingus.” Dad looked over at me, sternly. “Don’t disappoint yourself.”
“I won’t.”
“And don’t forget to call me if you ever need anything.” He said. “And be kind to others. Work hard. Show people how amazing you are. But…try to have a little fun, too. Within reason.”
“I will.”
“And never forget how much I love you.” He choked and turned his face away from me.
Trying to control myself so as to not make things more emotional for Dad, I shuffled over to the bed and eased down next to him. I put an arm around his shoulders and laid my head over against his shoulder. Dad’s hand came up and grabbed the hand I had against his arm and then leaned his head against mine.
“Manliest break down ever,” I stated simply.
He laughed wetly.
“I’m going to miss you, dingus.”
“I’m going to miss you, too,” I said. “Every day.”
He squeezed my hand.
“You don’t have to worry that I’ll be the best Cooper I can be,” I whispered. “I learned how to be a good man from the best one I’ve ever known.”
