She expected to receive papers any day. He’d surely want a divorce soon, and as long as he was paying, she’d give it. God knew she didn’t have the money to throw away on something so pointless. What did she need a divorce for? She was sure never marrying again.
She looked at the calendar, frowning. How long ago had her last cycle been? She always circled the day. She flipped back to November. The ninth was circled in blue ink. She flipped back to December, her pulse racing.
She’d just forgotten. Surely she had. She didn’t remember having a period recently, but then she’d been so distracted by Travis’s departure, by the newspaper article, by the Christmas preparations.
She had been tired lately, but that was because she wasn’t sleeping well. And she’d had none of the nausea that had plagued her during her pregnancy with Olivia.
Shay let loose of the calendar pages and retrieved her nightly glass of water. No way.
She turned off the multicolored Christmas tree lights, wandered to her bedroom, and climbed into bed, setting her alarm numbly. She tried desperately to remember a period in December and couldn’t. Her thoughts spun frantically. She couldn’t be pregnant. She just couldn’t.
There was no discreet way to buy a pregnancy test in Moose Creek, Montana. Shay drove all the way to Bozeman, wasting gas and time, to preserve what little privacy she had left.
She was trying to get a grip on the verse Abigail had shared with her—had been meditating on it for over a week. But her potential pregnancy was no one else’s business. And besides, God didn’t care where she bought the test.
She perused the vast selection and decided on an expensive brand—this was no time to be cheap—then she returned to a home that had grown chilly in her absence. After donning a thick sweater, she read the directions, took the test, then propped the stick on the bathroom counter next to her toothbrush.
She set the kitchen timer and started another pot of coffee. She checked the timer. Wiped down the table. Checked the timer.
Was it broken? She frowned. Time had never crawled so slowly.
You’re being silly, Shay. You are not pregnant. For heaven’s sake, it had taken eleven months to conceive Olivia. She and Travis had only been together four measly days. If she’d missed her period in December, it was just because of stress. That happened sometimes. Not to her, but still. That’s probably what had happened.
She was going to check the stick, then she’d have a good, long laugh at her own silliness. Then she’d bury the test in the trash barrel so Olivia never found it.
When the coffeepot gurgled, Shay poured herself a cup, adding cream until the dark brew turned caramel. She sipped the hot liquid, letting it warm her throat. Outside, flurries danced in the air, driven by the winter wind. There were already a few inches of snow on the ground and more to come.
She looked at the vacant spot in the yard where the snowman Olivia, Maddy, and Travis built had stood for half of November. She could almost picture them now, rolling snowballs, tussling in the drifts. They’d come into the house, laughing and stomping snow from their frozen jeans, flecks of flurries melting in their hair.
It seemed like yesterday. Now the house was quiet as a tomb.
Olivia had cooled her heels, but things weren’t the same between them, despite Shay’s best efforts. She wished she could give her daughter a better life, but she was doing the best she could, wasn’t she?
The buzzer sounded and Shay shut it off, her heart thudding like a drum in her chest. She walked toward the bathroom.
It’s fine. You’re not pregnant. Relax.
But the frantic butterflies beating their wings against her stomach didn’t mind her soothing reassurances.
She opened the door and grabbed for the stick. Help me, God.
A bold pink line streaked across the white background.
“Oh, God.” The prayer left her body on a breath. Her legs went weak, crumpling like a melting snowbank. She slid down the wall and onto the linoleum.
Oh, God, what have I done?
She was pregnant!
Pregnant and single!
Not quite true. She was married, all right. To a man who was chasing his dreams and another woman clear across the country. She banged her head against the wall.
What was she going to do? They were barely making ends meet. How would she manage now? Pregnancy and livestock didn’t mix. There were risks of falls and kicks from the animals. She’d stayed off horseback through her pregnancy with Olivia, but she wouldn’t have that luxury now.
And what about after the baby was born? She couldn’t do chores with a baby slung to her chest. She couldn’t run her own ranch, much less work at Hank’s part-time. There was no way she could manage.
They’d have to move. And then how would she provide for them?
She sure couldn’t count on Travis. He was with someone else. The last thing she wanted was him coming back out of obligation. Her eyes burned at the thought. She’d rather never see him again than have him pitying her.
She could hardly wait for word to get around town. Hardly wait until her pregnancy was apparent for the whole world to see. She always managed to give them something to talk about.
“For am I now trying to win the favor of people, or God?”
The scripture formed in her mind without thought.
She was doing it again. For pity’s sake, when would she learn? It was always the first place her mind went.
She looked at the stick in her hand, the pink line bright and bold as a shiny new dime.
I’m pregnant.
Okay, God, so what do You think about this?
She closed her eyes and tried to grow still, but her heart kicked at her like a wild horse.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.”
The scripture came from nowhere. He did know her. And He knew this baby. Had known this baby before He formed him or her in Shay’s womb.
God formed this baby. He or she wasn’t an accident, like their wedding. This baby was part of God’s plan for her life. She didn’t know what the future held, but He did. She just had to take one step at a time. She had to trust Him through this.
Shay laid her hand on her abdomen. There was really a baby in there. A baby brother or sister for Olivia. A son or daughter for her.
“Hello, baby,” she whispered as a tear slipped down her cheek.
35
Shay wadded up the Christmas paper and dropped it into the bag Abigail held. Her friend’s living room looked like a Christmas factory had exploded.
They’d filled their bellies with a tasty supper and exchanged gifts. Aunt Lucy had left awhile ago, Maddy had taken Olivia upstairs to paint their nails with her new manicure kit, and Wade and Dylan were outside plugging in Wade’s new battery charger, probably jawing about man-stuff.
Shay’d had a week to come around to the idea of being pregnant. She’d seen Dr. Garvin two days earlier to have the test confirmed. The night before she’d told Olivia, who’d been giddy at the prospect of a new brother or sister, though she was clearly hoping for a girl.
“You’re quiet tonight.” Abigail picked up Wade’s stack of gifts and set it on the stairs.
Shay supposed now was as good a time as any. She’d been waiting to deliver the news in private. “I got an early Christmas present.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that?”
“I’m pregnant.”
Abigail stopped, lowered the garbage bag, her jaw going slack. “You’re pregnant?”
“Yep.” Shay crumpled up another sheet of paper and held it out.
Abigail took it. “Holy cow. How are you doing? How are you feeling?”
“Scared silly.” Shay gave a wry grin. “Other than that, all right.”
Abigail smiled and pulled her into a hug. “It’s going to be fine. Congratulations, honey.”
“Thanks.”
“Does Olivia know?”
Shay retrieved the last stray bow and sank onto the sofa. �
��Told her last night. She wants a sister.” And she wanted Travis to come back. She’d left no room for doubt about that.
“What are you going to do? You can’t—you’re not supposed to ride in your condition, are you?”
Shay had done little other than think about their future the last week. “I’ll have to sell.”
Abigail frowned. “But your ranch . . . it’s been in your family so long.”
It would break her heart. She’d worked so hard to keep the place. “Don’t have much choice, I’m afraid.”
“Maybe Wade and I could help out—”
Shay set her hand on her friend’s arm. “That’s sweet, but no. I’ve given it a lot of thought. I’ll sell it and rent a place. I’m hoping to find work in town.”
She had a little equity in the property and was paid up through March. She’d pay Travis back and use the rest as emergency funds.
“What about . . . ?” Abigail’s eyes turned sympathetic.
Travis. Shay folded her hands in her lap. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m going to do. For now, nothing.”
“You have to tell him.”
“Eventually. I don’t want him coming back for the wrong reasons. Who am I kidding? He won’t come back at all. Maybe I don’t want to face that fact.” Shay shook the thought away. “Our relationship was nothing but a series of accidents. I don’t want to think about it right now.”
“You’re a great mom. That’s a very blessed baby you’re carrying.”
Shay swallowed against a lump in her throat. She hoped so. Sometimes she wished she had more to offer.
“I hope this isn’t a bad time . . . ,” Abigail started.
Shay could tell her friend was bursting to say something. “What is it?”
Abigail winced. “I’m pregnant too.”
Shay sucked her breath. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
Shay let out a whoop and hugged Abigail. “Congratulations! Oh, I can’t believe this.”
“Wade and Maddy are totally stoked. And I’m just—well, an emotional wreck.”
Abigail let out a tearful laugh.
“I know the feeling.” She’d teared up more times in the last week than she had in ten years.
Abigail smiled through her tears. “I guess we’re in this together, friend.”
“I guess we are,” Shay said.
Except Abigail’s baby had a daddy. Shay returned her friend’s smile, pretending that the tears sliding down her own face were happy ones.
36
Shay heard the door slam from the patio where she’d dragged the browning Christmas tree. She dropped her load and entered the house, rubbing her hands and feeling the sticky tar of tree sap. Her stomach let out a loud rumble. She was hungry all the time, yet it seemed all she did was eat.
“Olivia?”
It was her daughter’s first day back to school after Christmas break, but judging from the banging she heard from Olivia’s bedroom, it hadn’t gone well.
Shay tapped on the closed door. “Olivia?”
The sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor ceased. “What?”
That didn’t sound like her daughter at all. Shay eased the door open.
Olivia stood at the foot of her bed, her chest heaving. Pink splotched her cheeks, and Shay didn’t think it was from the cold walk up the drive.
“What did Katy say now?”
Olivia crossed her arms and pressed her lips tight. But the actions weren’t enough to stop the inevitable tears. They welled up, thick and heavy, then flowed down Olivia’s face. She swiped them away.
“Nothing.” Olivia turned toward her window and looked out at the white landscape.
Shay walked toward the window and put her arm around Olivia’s stiff shoulder. “Come on, now. What is it?”
Olivia looked cute as a bug in a new sweater, and her cut still looked nice, though she was overdue for a trim. What could Katy possibly find wrong now?
“Why did Dad leave?”
The question, so out of the blue, startled Shay. “What?”
“Why’d he leave us? It was my fault, wasn’t it? And Travis too! They both left because of me!”
“What? Honey, what are you talking about?”
“Katy said I’ve had two dads, and they both left because I’m a pain in the butt.”
Shay pressed her lips together, then reached for her phone. “That’s it. I’m calling her mom.”
Olivia grabbed her arm. “No, don’t! That’ll only make it worse.” Tears filled her eyes again. “It’s true, isn’t it? They left because of me!” Olivia turned into Shay and sobbed.
Shay embraced her daughter. “No, hon, that’s not true. Nothing could be further from the truth. You’re a wonderful girl, the daughter of my dreams.”
“Then why’d they leave?” Olivia’s words were muffled.
Shay drew in a deep breath and let it out. “Marriage is complicated, munchkin. Your dad and I—we just weren’t a good match. He loved you very much, though. Didn’t he call you every week after he left? He missed you. He would’ve come back to see you if he were still alive.”
Olivia shuddered in her arms, and Shay tightened her grip.
“Travis loved you too, and his leaving had nothing to do with you. It was my fault, remember?” She knew she risked Olivia’s wrath by saying it, but it was better than her daughter blaming herself.
Olivia sniffled. The tears hadn’t let up. Shay wanted to make everything better, but what could she do? This wasn’t something she could fix with a shopping trip or an appointment at the Hair Barn. This was something Olivia had to believe.
She remembered Travis’s reservation when she’d solved Olivia’s problem by buying her a new wardrobe. What had he said? “You don’t want her thinking her worth comes from clothes. Or that those girls’ opinions really matter.”
But that’s exactly what Shay had taught her, wasn’t it? Not only by her reactions to the teasing, but by how Shay was handling her own problems. By the way she avoided anything that might cause gossip, by the way she reacted when she’d sent the rumor mill into action, by the way she’d left church and hidden in the ladies’ room when she’d felt the judgment of her neighbors.
Oh man, she’d really blown this. Had passed on her own issues to her daughter.
She pulled Olivia from the hug and dried her cheeks. “We need to talk, hon. I’m afraid I haven’t done such a great job.”
Olivia sniffled and frowned. “Not true, Mom.”
“Come here.” Shay tugged her toward the bed, and they sank onto the edge. Where to start?
“Listen, this is something I struggle with. We care when people say things and do things that hurt our feelings. That’s totally natural. But I think I did you a disservice when I reacted to Katy’s teasing the way I did. I shouldn’t have rushed out to fix the things she teased you about.”
“But I like the new clothes and haircut. You said we could afford them.”
“We could. It’s not that. And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with having those things. I just think it’s a mistake to arrange our lives around other people’s opinions. It’s something I’m still learning myself. Abigail reminded me of a scripture recently—” She took Olivia’s white Bible from her nightstand. “Here, I’ll show you.”
She flipped it open to Galatians. “Here it is. Read this one.” She pointed to chapter one, verse ten.
Olivia wiped her eyes clear. “‘For am I now trying to win the favor of people, or God? Or am I striving to please people?’”
“That verse really helps me put things in perspective. Whenever I start worrying what people think, I say this to myself. It reminds me to focus on God’s opinions, not other people’s.”
“I get it. It’s still hard, though.”
“It’s absolutely hard. Especially at your age. But it’s something to hang on to and remind yourself of.” She gave Olivia a sideways hug. “And, hon, you can be sure that God thinks you’re awf
ully special, just like I do.”
Olivia leaned into her.
“Your dad thought you were special too, and so did Travis. So don’t let Katy O’Neil convince you otherwise.”
“I’ll try.”
“Are you sure you don’t want me to call her mom? Maybe it’ll make her stop.”
“She’ll just tease me about it. Or her friends will do it for her. I need to handle this myself, Mom.”
Shay studied her daughter, then gave her a final squeeze. “All right. But if you change your mind, let me know, okay?”
Olivia nodded.
“Now go get cleaned up and come help me with supper, okay?”
Olivia frowned. “It’s only three forty-five.”
Shay shrugged. “What can I say? Your brother or sister is hungry again.”
That got a little smile from her daughter. It was a start.
37
Travis stood under the spray of birdseed, watching his buddy Seth and his new bride dart across the church’s lawn toward the stallion that waited, saddled and ready.
Seth gave Hanna a long kiss before lifting her onto the horse and mounting behind her. One final wave, and the pair rode off into the sunset—literally. They’d only met three months earlier at the rodeo finals, but the two had been inseparable ever since.
Travis loosened his tie and slipped away from the crowd, walking toward the back lot where he’d parked his truck. His boss had given him leave for the evening, but he felt like working anyway. He had a little time before he lost daylight, and the temperature was mild enough. At least Texas didn’t have the cold springs Montana had. It was a small consolation.
He pulled off his tie as he walked, unbuttoning the stiff dress shirt. Standing by his friend through the ceremony had been torture. All he could think about was the last ceremony he’d been in—his own.
He could still see Shay’s eyes, spitting fire at him while Pastor Blevins droned on about the sanctity of marriage. He smiled a little, thinking of it. He’d thought she was going to bite him when he kissed her. But no. His lips seemed to tame the wild beast. At least for a few seconds. A few very pleasurable seconds.
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