Dear Diary

by Lacey Heart

  Maybe the sun doesn’t even exist here.

  The clouds are like a thick blanket of doom all over Riverstone, and I’m starting to realize if my soul didn’t feel dead already then, this place would definitely be in the running to suck the life right out of me, for sure.

  I seriously have no idea how I’m going to survive these next twelve months. All I know is I have no choice but to force myself to get through them—day by day. I need to do this for my own sanity and so I can try and get some kind of closure.

  A knock sounds at my door, startling me and pulling me out of my deepest thoughts.

  “Avery.” I hear my mom’s voice filter through from the opposite side of the bedroom door and I close my journal and toss it down on the bed on a long drawn out sigh. “Are you awake?”

  Of course I am. Hasn’t this woman bothered to check the time? Hearing my mom’s voice every morning is sure going to take some time getting used to. My dad always knew my routine, and he was more than happy to let me roll with it. But then, that’s because he knew me—inside and out. Sharon doesn’t, and she never will. Too much time has passed for that to ever become a possibility.

  The knock sounds again, more persistent this time and she doesn’t wait for a reply before opening the door. I guess it looks like my privacy is something that needs to be discussed in the near future. Sure, I may live under her roof for now, but I still need my own space. We definitely need to discuss boundaries.

  But it looks like that will have to wait as mu mom casually steps inside my room and I make no effort to move. I stay on the bed and try to analyze the woman stood before me.

  “Jessica will be here any second.” She tells me on a small smile. “I thought it would be a good idea for her to take you to school. I know it’s a daunting process starting somewhere new and I’d hate for you to be alone. Especially on your first day.”

  Anger fizzles inside me and I try my best to keep it under control. I try so hard to keep calm and ignore her careless choice of words because she obviously doesn’t realize the pain they cause. Of course I’m alone. My family and everything I had died right alongside my dad. But I guess someone as selfish and as self-centered as Sharon would never be able to understand that. So long as she’s okay, everything else must be perfect in the world.

  I actually feel sick to my stomach.

  How can this woman—my so-called mother stand in front of me after ten long and confusing years and act like she cares? Like she’s ever given a damn about anyone but herself and her own happiness.

  She sure as hell didn’t give a damn about anyone else when she upped and left, and she hasn’t cared about me or my welfare in forever. So why start now? Why change the habit of a lifetime?

  If she cared, and I mean truly cared then surely, she would have tried to play a more active role in my childhood—in my life, but this woman was nowhere to be seen. Not even on birthdays or during the holidays. It was like she didn’t even exist.

  I’m so angry with myself for allowing her absence to bother me and get under my skin. I never needed her because I had my father by my side. He made sure I had everything I could ever need and more. And even though my dad isn’t around anymore it doesn’t change a thing between us. Sharon my think different, but I still don’t need her now.

  I’ll never need her—period.

  “I’m not a kid anymore.” I’m quick to remind her on a sharp whip of my tongue and I don’t feel as bad as I should when she falters in her step as she cautiously moves toward me.

  “I know. I just…” she stammers while twiddling her small fingers. She’s nervous now and totally unsure of her next move.

  Well, this isn’t awkward at all. The silence around us is thick and heavy, but then what the hell did she expect? That we’d be way into playing happy families by now? Did she expect me to jump to my feet and show some gratitude because for the fist time in her life she’s finally trying to do something to help me? Maybe if she’d tried a little harder, or even tried at all to make that kind of effort when I was nothing but an innocent child, confused and constantly wondering why my momma wasn’t around anymore. Wondering if it was because of me and I’d done something to make her leave. Maybe then we wouldn’t be un this crazy ass situation—or maybe we would.

  Who knows how my life would have played out? No one can change the past. And to be honest I’m getting bored of giving myself a migraine every time I start to think about it.

  After a few more minutes of awkward silence, my mom decides it’s safe to finally move toward me and I continue to watch her from my crossed-legged position on the bed.

  The strange thing is my mom still looks exactly the same as she did when I last saw her—the way I always remembered her. I don’t think she’s aged a single day since then either which tells me all I need to know. Either my mom has some incredible age defying genes, or she clearly had an amazing life without me and dad around.

  As much as I’d like to, there’s no denying that this woman is my biological mother. My father always told me I looked just like her, but I could never see it, or maybe I didn’t want to—until now. As she’s stood before me, I can see what he meant.

  Her auburn hair is the same shade as mine—the exact same shade, strand for strand, only my mom wears hers longer, right down to her waist. Mine is only down to my shoulders. We both have the same petite frame, but curvaceous all the same and if I was to take a guess, I’d say she was around five-five against my small five-three height. The only real difference between out appearance is our eyes. My moms are a deep shade of brown, smooth as chocolate. I have my dad’s eyes: hazel. Only mine are known to change to a different shade depending on my mood.

  “Avery,” my mom’s voice s soft and delicate as she lowers herself down onto the queen bed, and she’s cautious enough to keep a safe, respectable difference between us. “I want you to feel comfortable while you’re here…” her eyes soften too as she leans a little closer to me and says, “I know it might now feel like it right now, but this is your home.”

  A huge lump forms in my throat and I struggle to swallow it down. Doesn’t she see? I’ll never feel comfortable here and this place certainly isn’t my home. It’s nothing more than an unavoidable stop gap is all. And there’s not a goddamn thing Sharon Parker can say or do about it. Try as she might to stop me, as soon as this year is over, I’m out of here.

  “Whoa. You need to hurry that small ass up. You don’t want to be late on your fist day, do you? All those extra eyes watching your every move?” I can’t help but shudder at the thought.

  “Jessica,” my mom warns but Jessica dismisses her with a wave of her hand as she come barreling into my room, all flawless with her glossy brown hair tumbling down her shoulders, and a big wide smile brighter than the sun.

  A sigh of relief escapes me because just when I started to think all hope was lost and I’d been backed into a corner, forced to listen to my mom get all deep and personal, Jessica arrived like my guardian angel and swept into my room like a tornado, saving me from all the things I didn’t want to hear.

  Maybe Jessica could have her uses after all.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  AVERY

  I grabbed my backpack and walked right out of the house and into Jessica’s truck without so much as a word, only stopping briefly to thank Maya as she quickly threw a pack-up in my hands as she offered me a small smile filled with pity.

  My mom was quick to follow us and she even tried to hug me goodbye, but fortunately I was quick enough to dodge that bullet.

  Jessica has been busy trying her hardest to strike up some kind of conversation with me, but weirdly I haven’t been in much of a talkative mood since I arrived in Riverstone.

  “You’re a quiet one, huh?” Jessica tries once again to make pointless conversation with me, probably hoping to cut the awkward tension between us as she drives down a narrow road, and a long, labored sight rattles through my body and I know she doesn’t miss it.

  “I’
m guessing it doesn’t run in this side of the family?” I’m quick to snipe back, hoping it’s enough to shut her up, and she rewards me with an impressive smile, and I know instantly that there is so much more that she wants to say.

  “And full of sass too. I think I’m going to enjoy having you around, Avery.”

  “Well, don’t go getting to used to it.” I warn her and I really want to add that I won’t be around for long—that I’m not a permanent feature, but I know that wouldn’t do me any favors right now. It would mean striking up a whole new conversation and to be honest I’d rather claw my own eyes out with Jessica’s perfectly manicured talons. So, I decide to do what I do best. I switch off, stay quiet and focus on the road ahead.

  The rain continues to hammer down, assaulting the windscreen and the sky is still covered in depressing gray clouds—like a massive mirror reflecting my soul. My skin is already missing its vital daily dose of Vitamin D, and boy is it starting to show, and it doesn’t look like I’ll be finding any natural forms of it around here anytime soon. It’s a good job I don’t tan, but I know my girlfriends back home would lose their lashes over this crappy weather.

  After about ten minutes or so, Jessica slows down on the gas and her eyes focus on my side of the truck. “Welcome to Riverstone High, baby. This is where your soul comes to die.”

  My peripheral is filled with nothing but trees and wet green foliage. This place is like an overgrown forest with only a wide stone path in between—the one Jessica is currently driving down.

  “Is this some kind of Joke?” I’m really hoping it is and this is just some crazy plan to get some kind of reaction from me. Jessica can try as hard as she likes, but I won’t bite and take the bait. She’ll need to try a hell of a lot harder to try and get a reaction from me. “Is Riverstone High some kind of camping ground? Where are the tents?” Utter disbelief floods my words and I know nothing should surprise me anymore, but even I’ll be the first to admit this place looks like it belongs in a goddamn horror movie.

  “Not officially, but I can kind of see where you’re coming from.” Jessica chuckles beside me and she seems so relaxed and carefree, a small pang of jealously stabs me in the chest. “I don’t know how much attention you’ve paid since you arrived, but in case you missed it, Riverstone is practically a forest—the whole damn town.”

  This isn’t how I remember it at all. But then why would a seven-year-old girl remember the surroundings when she was far too busy trying to figure out why her mom wasn’t around anymore? I guess I must have blocked those totally irrelevant memories from my mind.

  Whether I remember it or not, I already know this place is going to take some getting used to. My body isn’t programmed for all this dark and gloomy weather. My body is used to the warm rays beaming down on my skin and fresh sea air filling my lungs. My days were spent hanging out at the beach, not driving through something that resembles the love child of Jurassic park and a rain forest.

  It’s not forever. I remind myself but my little pep talk does nothing to improve my bleak mood.

  “So, does it rain here all the time?” I ask, and I already know what the answer will be, but a small part of me is hoping Jessica will be able to show me a little light at the end of this never-ending dark tunnel.

  “It sure does.” She tells me after a delayed pause. “Except on Halloween. That’s one night you can guarantee clear dry skies day and night. The witches of Riverstone don’t like any interference with their magic, you see.”

  “Seriously.” I scoff back at her. “Please don’t treat me like some stupid kid. I get enough of that from everyone else.”

  Jessica raises a hand from the wheel and holds it up in surrender before smiling her big bright smile at me and I reluctantly smile back at her.

  “Hey, I wouldn’t do that to you. I’m all about the fun and trying to lighten the mood. Plus, I made you smile didn’t I, so I’d say that was a win.” She finally comes to a stop and kills the engine. “Avery, I promise I’m not the bad guy here. Believe it or not, I’m actually trying to help you out and make your new life a little easier for you. I know this is all new and strange and it’s gonna take a hell of a long time to get used to it but like it or not, this—Riverstone—it’s your life now.” Jessica reaches out and places her hand on mine and I’m too shocked to pull away as she continues, “no on should ever have to experience what you’ve been through. No one should experience the pain of losing a parent, like ever, but your mom, she’s all you have left. We just want to make this transition as easy and as pain-free as possible for you—as a family.”

  Her words filter through my ears, but I don’t want to hear them. I bite down on lower lip so hard I can taste blood and I’m quick to pull my hand away from Jessica’s. There’s so much I want to say but I know now isn’t the right time to get caught up in an almighty showdown in the middle of the school parking lot.

  I know this is my life now. How the hell can I forget? But knowing doesn’t make this any easier. Believe me, there’s no way I’d be here if I’d had any other choice.

  “Whatever, Jessica.” I mutter before reaching out for the door handle. “Please don’t try and pretend to understand what I’m going through because you don’t know the first thing about it.” I shoot her one last look before jumping out of her truck and slamming the door behind me.

  What is it with these people? I’m surrounded by total strangers, strangers who are supposed to be my family, all pretending to care about me. Well, I don’t need them. I never have and I certainly don’t need their pity.

  “If I don’t see you around, I’ll be waiting here after school.” I hear Jessica call out from the truck behind me, but I don’t turn around. Instead, I keep my eyes focused on the large iron gates towering over me, deeply embossed with ‘Riverstone High’ and I reluctantly put one foot in front of the other and force myself to move forward while my whole body is screaming out for me to turn around and run. I guess all I can do is pray today won’t be as bad as I fear and it’ll all be over in no time at all.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  AVERY

  Nervous energy consumes me as I walk through the double doors that lead to the school office. The thudding of my heart pulsates all around me and I try my hardest to regulate my breathing. Kids are everywhere, appearing out of every door and corridor to get a better look and I know I’m the hot topic of conversation on everyone’s lips. I can feel the heat of their eyes burning into me, growing hotter and hotter with each second that passes.

  The hushed voices aren’t all that hushed as the word new girl echoes continuously in the air around me and I can feel the heat of embarrassment flushing my cheeks, no doubt turning them a delightful shade of red. At least I can always blame it on the hideous weather.

  Maybe I should have allowed Jessica to escort me into the school office. It wouldn’t have stopped everyone from watching but it might have taken some of the attention away from me. But then that would have meant that I needed her for something, and I don’t. I don’t need anything from anyone. What I want from people is for them to stopping seeing me as weak little girl and start seeing me for who I really am—to see that I’m more than capable and strong enough to hold my own.

  I try to compose myself as best I can and take in a deep breath before walking into the office, before I have a chance to talk myself out of it. I step forward and a crack sounds, and a sharp shooting pain radiates up my face as I crash into something hard.

  “Ow.” All the air leaves my lungs and I try to catch my breath and when I try to focus my eyes, I see that the something I walked into is actually a someone and they don’t look very happy.

  “What the fuck…” A deep rustic voice booms down at me and the hairs on the back of my neck stand tall. “Are you crazy? You’ve got blood all over my shirt.”

  My eyes fall and land on his chest—a very hard and well-defined chest, and sure enough just like he said there’s blood splattered all over his jersey. What was once a clean blue
and white shirt, which I’m gonna go all out and guess those must be Riverstone’s colors, is now covered in bright red flecks.

  Oh my god. Realization slowly hits me hard. If what he’s saying is true and its blood, then that means it has to be mine… “You bust my nose.” I scream at the jerk stood in front of me and then his face changes. His black emotionless eyes narrow and he looks a hundred times more savage than he did a couple of seconds ago, but I refuse to be intimidated by him, so I stand my ground. Obviously, he’s the type of guy who likes to call the shots but he won’t be doing that with me.

  I bring my hand up to my nose, and man, it’s sore. It’s also wet. Wet with blood, and when I pull my hand back to take a closer look it glistens with a crimson liquid. Well, today’s just going brilliantly.

  “I didn’t do shit.” He barks back at me and he brings his face down to my level so he can look me right in the eyes. I can feel the heat of his breath, minty and fresh and I also notice his breathing seems to be a little labored too. There’s no denying that his eyes warn me to stay away—that he’s nothing but trouble with a capital T. He’s also arrogant as hell and totally full of himself too by the looks of things. An absolute jerk if ever I saw one.

  He’s probably the type of guy who has legions of girls following his every move and lingering off his every word, desperately waiting to hear what he has to say with bated breath, and I bet he doesn’t even think twice about playing with their emotions. I bet he’s more than happy to use them, and tear each and everyone of them apart until there is nothing left but shattered, unrepairable pieces of their broken hearts.

  He looks just like the type of guy I love to hate, and I’d really love nothing more than to sucker punch him in the face too and make his nose as bloody as mine, but I can’t move.