Dear Diary

by Lacey Heart

  “I’m afraid I can’t let you do that. Plus, Jessica isn’t around.” Obviously, this jerk can tell I’m super keen to get away from him, but he’s showing no signs of backing down. “She had to leave. Some kind of emergency.”

  “Wait. Emergency? Is she okay?” I demand and my words come out in a hurried mess. My mind quickly shoots back to our disagreement earlier and I feel bad for how we ended things. Sure, she seemed pretty heated this morning, but I kind of put her vile mood down to it being a Monday.

  “Oh, yeah. Jess is sweet. Don’t worry about her.” He chuckles and I have to admit this guy seems a hell of a lot more friendly and approachable than dark and dangerous. “The name’s Tommy, by the way.” He adds.

  Well, Tommy has made me feel more welcome in Riverstone in the last five minutes than Cole Ashford could ever do in a whole damn lifetime.

  “All right, what is it that you need from me?” I ask, wishing this pointless ordeal was already over with and I could be on my merry way out of here.

  I watch as Tommy’s fair eyebrows furrow together and he looks super apprehensive. “Man, this is gonna sound so crazy,” he drags a hand down his stubbled jaw, and he looks like he’s struggling a little with the task he’s been set. “All right, well… Jessica told me to tell you she was sorry about this morning and that I was under strict instructions to collect you after class and take you home.”

  I throw my head back some and laugh. This guy has to be kidding me, right? I’m almost eighteen years of age and Jessica is acting like I’m some wayward kid who still needs a sitter. “Thanks for the offer, but I’m good.” I reply. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m big enough to look after myself.”

  “Ah, come on.” He pleads with me and I can detect a faint trace of desperation in his voice. “If Jessica finds out I didn’t drive you home, she’ll have my balls. Can’t you just help a guy out?” Tommy pleads some more, and it makes him look less sinister and a hell of a lot younger than he did a couple of minutes ago. He looks vulnerable… almost.

  “Sure. Why don’t you just tell her you took me home? Problem solved.” I smile, totally catching him off guard in his vulnerable state and I quickly move around him. “That way we’re both winning,”

  “Way to go, Hollywood.” He calls after me and the hairs on the back of my neck stand tall. There’s only one person who calls me Hollywood, and it sure looks like I’ve been the hot topic of conversation on Cole Ashford’s lips. The thought fills me with a mixture of unease and excitement.

  I refuse to look back at Cole’s right-hand guy and I focus on putting one foot in front of the other eager to escape this corridor and get the hell out of this school.

  Is Jessica crazy?

  Like hell I’m going to jump into some car with a total stranger. What the hell does that girl take me for? I already told her this morning that I’m old and wise enough to make my own damn way home, but in true Jessica fashion, she chose not to listen to me.

  But then there’s also the possibility it could have all been a set-up on Cole’s behalf and Jessica could be none the wiser about this whole little situation. Maybe that’s why he wasn’t in class?

  I step outside and the rain drops down around me. I think I really need to wake up to the fact it’s going to be a hell of a long time until I see or feel the rays from the sun again. I never realized how much I took it for granted until I moved here.

  I’m pleased to see Cole is nowhere in sight. A small part of me expected him to jump out at me the second I left the parking lot, but so far, so good. The coast looks pretty clear. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t starting to miss his brooding presence.

  “Hey…”

  Emily sneaks up behind me and I almost jump out of my skin. “Hey,” I stammer back while my heart tries to beat its way out of my chest.

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t catch you after class.” She huffs. “I had an important meeting with my art tutor…” Emily continues to waffle, and it sounds like she’s struggling to catch her breath.

  “Did you just run?”

  Emily’s eyes grow wide as she looks at me. “Don’t sound so shocked. I mean it has been known to happen every once in a while.” She shakes her head in disbelief and I kind of feel bad for offending her because that totally wasn’t my intention. But it sure feels like something I’m really good at these days.

  “I didn’t mean it in a bad way.” I tell her apologetically. “I’m just a concerned friend. I mean, I don’t want you to have a full-blown asthma attack.” I offer.

  “Dramatic, much?”

  “You’re wheezing like crazy.”

  “I am?” Emily stops in her tracks and leans over as her wild and unruly ginger hair tumbles down around her face. “I don’t even have asthma.”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  COLE

  The hot jets of water penetrate my tight muscles and I can feel the built-up tension slowly leave my body, but only a little. I’m still coiled tighter than a boa constrictor and I know I’m going to snap and unleash my fury at any moment.

  The second I entered the changing rooms I could feel the heated and judgmental stares of my teammates. Fuck―do they all know? Did everyone know before me? I bet they all enjoyed having a merry old fucking laugh at my expense.

  What did it matter anyway? Even if they don’t know yet, they will do eventually. The whole school and goddamn town will know. I just knew I had to get the hell out of there. I needed to leave before my head well and truly exploded.

  Maybe they wondered what was wrong? What could be so bad to throw Cole Ashford off his game? Well, fuck if I’m not thinking the same thing. I never thought I could be so stupid. Who the hell am I kidding―I knew I couldn’t be so stupid because I thought I was fucking invincible?

  I really don’t want to, but I know I’m gonna have to reach out to Mia. I need to talk to her. I know there’s no way I’ll be able to make things right, but I need to try to find a way to fix this mess. And lord knows I’m gonna need a fucking miracle.

  I shut off the shower, reach for my towel and catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. Sure, I might still look the same, but I know I’ll never be the same again.

  Fuck.

  If only my mother could see me now. She’d be so fucking proud. Not.

  I need to speak to you… asap.

  I type the message out and hit send before I lose my balls and back out.

  I’ve done it.

  I’ve made the first move, and now all I can do is sit back and see if she wants to play ball.

  “Where’s your head at boy?”

  The sound of coach’s voice bellow across the kitchen as he tosses his keys―sorry, my father’s keys down on the island in front of me. I know he’s pissed but that I still choose to ignore him. Instead, I focus on messing with my phone just like I usually would, only what he doesn’t know is how desperate I am to get some kind of reply from Mia.

  Why should I say anything to coach? Everyone knows bad news is only true if you’re willing to admit it out loud. And, damn, this is something I won’t ever be ready to admit out loud. At least not if I can help it, anyway.

  It’s been forty minutes and Mia still hasn’t replied, and it fills me with dread. Right down into the pit of my stomach and it’s a feeling I’m not used to, and going off how I’m feeling right now, it’s not one I like very much.

  Maybe she thinks I wouldn’t find out. I bet she’d love that, having something to try to hold over me. But, unfortunately for her it’s too fucking late. I know, and I won’t ever be able to unhear Tommy’s words as they still echo around in my frazzled head. I guess this is something Mia and I won’t be able to avoid forever.

  “We’ve got play-offs next week, or have you suddenly forgotten about that?” Coach demands. “Maybe if your head’s not in it, then maybe it’s for the best you take the bench.”

  I know what he’s doing. The motherfucker is trying to get some kind of reaction from me but I’m not going to give hi
m what he wants. Plus, we both know he’s trying to deliver an empty threat.

  There’s no fucking way coach would ever have the balls to bench me―no matter how pissed he is.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” He tries a different tactic as he walks toward me, and he grabs an apple from the bowl directly in line with my peripheral, and I finally tear my eyes away from my phone to look at him.

  “Nope.” I tell him, my voice flat and void of any emotion. I wish he’d hurry the fuck up and get the hell out of my personal space. It’s bad enough I have to deal with him at school and out on the field, now he’s in my house―acting like he fucking owns the joint. “Look, are you staying long because I’m about to head out.”

  Coach doesn’t answer me. Instead he watches me closely as he tries to figure out what’s going on in my head. Yeah, good fucking luck with that because even I don’t know what’s going on up there.

  My heart stops just as my phone beeps in my hand, alerting me to a message, and it drops right down to the pit of my stomach when I see it’s from Mia.

  So, Tommy boy told you, huh?

  It’s a real shame I haven’t got anything left to say to you…

  I slam my phone down and the screen shatters, and it’s only when coach clears his throat that I remember he’s still here. His eyes narrow as they zone into me and his brows furrow deeper. Shit. If he suspected something was wrong earlier, then I’ve only just gone and confirmed his suspicions.

  “I was going to leave you to it.” Coach tells me after a dramatic pause. “But I think it’s best I stick around a while longer.”

  “What? Why? I don’t need you here.” I bite out. I don’t need anyone. Actually, I could really do with a hug from my mom and listen to her words of wisdom. My mom would know what to do and what to say, but I’m not going to get any of it.

  “You sure? Because from where I’m standing, I’d say there’s something major going down. Something you want to keep hidden away inside that testosterone filled head of yours.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I lie, and I try to keep my posture as casual as possible. But, it’s hard as fuck when adrenaline starts to course through your veins and my body is full of tense vibrations from the rush. I’m trying my damned hardest to pretend all is well in my world, but I know coach and I know he sure as hell isn’t buying it.

  “Quit with the bullshit, kid.” He snaps. There’s no one else here, just the two of us and in the space of a few seconds he’s switched from coach straight into Alan. And I know that motherfucker can speak to me however the hell he wants, and no one is going to tell him otherwise. My father included.

  Alan is my father’s right-hand man―has been since they were kids and he’s the one who’s always watched over me―be it from afar, whenever my father’s out of town.

  “I’ve just had a bad day, is all.” I finally mutter out the words and it’s not much of a lie. It’s been a hell of a bad day and then some―but I don’t see how it will end. Not now. No, this bullshit craziness is going to progress and progress while fucking my life up in the process.

  “I need you strong, Ashford. I need you focused.” He warns me as he leans in closer. “I’m only going to tell you this once, so you better listen, kid. I’m gonna give you a little thinking space so you can process and sort out whatever the hell is going on up there…” he’s so close now that I can smell the stale tobacco on his heated breath. “If your head isn’t in the game, then I promise you now; you won’t be either.”

  His words hit me hard in the chest as I try to stare him down. There’s no way he’s going to have the upper hand―but deep down I know he will. Coach will always win―hands down.

  Fuck.

  Everything is a mess and it’s all outside of my control. But I can’t tell him that. I can’t confess everything in the hope he’ll understand. I can’t tell anyone and that’s going to be the hardest part. Damn. Even if I wanted to confide in coach―which I don’t, but say I did just hypothetically; the first person he’d run off to would be my father and there’s no doubt in my mind that when he finds out my life won’t be worth living.

  My father will fucking kill me.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  AVERY

  “What are you doing in my room?”

  I decided to grab a quick shake with Emily on the way home. My way of making sure she righted her breathing before I left her to her own devices. She assured me she was fine, but I wasn’t totally convinced. Even after my little detour it didn’t prepare me for what awaited me back at the farmhouse and the unexpected guest in my room.

  “Oh, hey.” Jessica smiles sweetly at me. “I was expecting you home much sooner.”

  “Erm, sorry. Since when did you turn into my mom?” I question. “Look, I don’t know what you’re doing here and to be honest I really don’t care why, but if you think you’re dressing me up as a hooker again you’ve lost your head.” I warn her and I mean every single word. “Seriously. Please don’t ever ask me to do you a favor again.”

  “Are you still mad at me?” Jessica looks at me through her lashes. This look might work to her advantage most of the time but not with me. “Look. I’m sorry. Really, I am. I know I had no right sticking my nose in. Do you think you can forgive me?”

  I take in a deep breath and place my bag down on the floor. I can already tell this is going to be a long ass night. I have no idea what Jessica is after or what her overall game plan is, and I’m also starting to wonder if I ever want to find out. I mean, there has to be some crazy-ass reason for her hiding out in my room.

  “What do you want, Jess?” I ask her and I don’t even have the energy to argue with her right now and instead I throw my exhausted body down on to the bed, relishing in the softness below me.

  “Well, if you hadn’t had your bitch fit this morning, I would have told you…”

  “Told me what?” I lift myself up on my elbows so I can see her better. Now she has my full attention. My senses are suddenly on high alert and I instinctively know nothing good can ever come from that menacing smile.

  “Okay, try not to get too excited but I’ve moved in.” she squeals and claps her hands like a giddy child. I’m pretty sure that if I wasn’t already on the bed I would have fallen to the floor.

  “Erm… why?” I ask, confusion creeping in and taking hold of my body. “Don’t you already have your own house, complete with your own mom?”

  Jessica’s smile fades and sadness creeps onto her face. “Not everything is always as it seems, Avery.”

  “Did something happen?” I know it’s none of my business and she probably doesn’t want to talk about it, but no matter how hard I try I can’t stop the questions from falling off my lips.

  Jessica offers me a small smile as her watery eyes find mine. “What hasn’t happened.”

  I’ve never witnessed Jessica like this before. As she looks at me now through wet lashes, I can see how vulnerable she really is. Her big bravado that she puts on at school is practically non-existent right now. It’s weird. I’m so used to seeing Jessica as a strong and confident girl, but at this moment in time the only way I could describe the girl sat in front of me would be lost.

  “It’s kind of been on the cards for a while now. But I guess this weekend was the last straw.”

  “I’m sorry.” I tell her not really knowing what else to say to her. Damn, this is so damn awkward.

  Jessica laughs some more but it doesn’t meet her eyes and she shakes her pretty little head. “Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault my mom’s a worthless crack whore who will do anything for a fix. Even if that means neglecting her kids.”

  “What?” Disbelief floods my voice and I wouldn’t be able to hide it if it tried.

  “Oh, yeah. You heard it write. You’re auntie’s a junkie. Has been for years. She’s probably the best kept secret in the whole of Riverstone.”

  “Did my mom know?” I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t be asking here.
This is Jessica’s family. Not mine. Okay, maybe they are through blood, but I don’t know them well enough for this to affect me personally, but my heart aches for Jessica.

  “Not at first. My mom was clever, and she managed to keep her addiction secret for a number of years. But then, your mom and mine have never had the best relationship. That didn’t really matter though, because even if she wasn’t speaking to my mom, she always made sure she stayed in contact with me and Jake.”

  I flinch at her words, and it feels like she’s took a knife and stabbed me right in the heart. Any sympathy I just had for her has completely vanished. I know Jessica has picked up on my sudden change in mood too, but I don’t care.

  Obviously precious Jessica and Jake meant enough to my mom for her to keep in touch with them and not me. My mother couldn’t even be bothered to stay in touch with her daughter. “That’s real nice,” I bite out after a couple of seconds and I can taste the sour venom on my tongue, This little set-up they have going on is crazy and I don’t want to play a part in any of it.

  “Avery, wait… I know how it sounds.” Jessica tugs on her jumper and she knows she’s opened her mouth when she shouldn’t have. I can feel the heat of her eyes burning into me, but I refuse to look at her. Obviously good old Jessica is the daughter my mom desperately wanted. Well, I didn’t need her for the last ten years and I sure as hell don’t need her now. The two of them are welcome to each other.

  “Jessica, I’m really not bothered whether you play happy families or not.”