by Staci Hart
The first step, they’d decided, was for her to tell Travis the truth. She’d be honest about how she’d been feeling even before Dean, before the band, and she hoped she wasn’t being naive to think that he would somehow understand. He had to. The alternative was too much to bear, the weight of it weighing her down.
Phase two was that she and Travis would try to come up with a plan to tell the band. Everything hinged on his reaction, and though she felt confident he’d understand, there was a part of her that wasn’t one hundred percent convinced. If the tables were turned, she would be hurt. She would accept it, but she would be hurt.
Then there was the fact that not only was she leaving him, but she would be parading around in front of him with Dean.
It was cruel.
There was no waiting. Travis deserved to know, and she and Dean would have to deal with the repercussions.
She’d unlocked her door — anxious and reciting the speech she’d written in her head on the way home — and stepped into their dark apartment, but her heart sank when she realized he was asleep. She’d walked into their room, whispered his name, just in case, but he hadn’t stirred. Guilt had burned fresh as she watched him, his chest rising and falling in the soft light of night.
When she’d sat down on the couch to take off her shoes, exhaustion had hit her like a ton of bricks. The last thing she remembered was pulling her boots off and leaning back on the couch with a sigh.
Lex rubbed her eyes and cursed when she felt the crunch of mascara under her fingers. She hauled herself off the couch and walked quietly to the bedroom. Travis’s arm hung off the side of the bed, his lips parted as he snored lightly, and Lex chewed her lip, knowing she didn’t have time to talk to him before she left for work. So she snuck into the bathroom, washed her face and brushed her teeth, and twisted her hair up. She smelled Dean on her sweater as she pulled it over her head, breathing him in for a moment before she stripped down, trading yesterday’s clothes for her Joy Division T-shirt, jeans, and Chuck Taylors.
She tiptoed out and texted Dean on her way to the subway.
Hey, you up?
A few seconds later, her phone rang. Her heart skipped as she answered, smiling.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” he echoed, the word voice low and rumbling and anxious. “How did it go?”
“Well, it didn’t. He was asleep when I got home, and I didn’t want to wake him up. I passed out on the couch and didn’t think it was fair to wake him up this early just to break up with him.”
He sighed on the other end of the line.
“I know. I’ll have to talk to him tonight. You guys are off early, right?”
“Yeah. But that means I’ve got to play it cool at practice.”
Her heart clenched tight. “I’m sorry. God, this is horrible.”
“Don’t be sorry. And this is nowhere near what I would call horrible.”
She smiled down at her shoes, pausing at the stairs to the subway. “So, I’ve figured out how to tell him, and after that … well, we have to see what he wants to do, how he wants to tell the band. I … I just want to handle it as delicately and respectfully as possible, which is already damaged by the fact that I’m leaving him for you.”
His voice was sad, and she imagined his face was too. “I wish this were easier on you. I should have just left you alone, but I couldn’t. You know that, right? I just couldn’t walk away, as selfish as it was.”
“I’m glad you didn’t. You have no idea how glad.” She took a breath, her chest so full. “It’ll be okay. We’ve just got to get through this next part, and then? We can be together.”
“I’m ready.”
“Me too.” Lex glanced at her watch. “Listen, I have to catch the train. I’ll come over tonight after I talk to Travis. It might be late though.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’ll wait for you.”
Warmth spread through her chest, and she smiled. “Okay. Good luck today.”
“You too. I’ll see you then.”
Lex made her way into the subway with her head light as she descended and swiped her card to pass through the turnstile. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and she pulled it out to find a text from Kara.
OMG, how have I not heard from you? I need details before I explode.
Lex smiled as she tapped out a reply.
It was everything.
Her phone buzzed again almost immediately.
What are you going to do? Did you hook up with him? Are you dating? Did you tell Travis?
Calm your tits! No, but almost. And I have to break up with Travis. Was going to last night, but he was asleep.
My tits will not be calmed! Call me later from work because I need to know everything.
K. Love you. Lex typed as the train sped through with a gust of wind.
You too. HURRY UP.
Over the course of the day, Lex’s mood fluctuated from blissed out to flipping out. She talked to Kara, who momentarily lost her mind to a chorus of squealing and giggling. Lex went over her plan to talk to Travis for the eleventy billionth time and watched the clock as it ticked. But her thoughts led her in circles, around and around the things to come, helplessly waiting for the time when she could move forward.
Kara had invited Lex to come stay with her for as long as she needed, and so Lex would talk to Travis as soon as she got off work, and then she’d head to Dean’s. And the next day, she’d pick up some of her things from her apartment to start the move to Kara’s.
She wondered if she and Travis would be okay and felt guilty for hoping they would. Could they still be friends? It was selfish, but she really believed it was possible.
There was so much that was unknown, but she knew one thing: being with Dean was what she wanted.
Lex daydreamed about Dean’s lips against hers, and when she looked at the clock again, she found herself way past ready for the day and its responsibilities to be over.
Tonight they would pick up where they’d left off.
The clock told her only five minutes had passed, and she sighed, needed a distraction. A pile of books was stacked behind the counter to be returned to the shelves, and she scooped them up, making her way around the store with the stack in the crook of her arm to file them back where they belonged.
As she rounded a corner with her eyes on a book spine, she slammed full force into someone, and papers flew into the air as books thumped to the ground. The woman, who was about Lex’s age with short fiery-red hair, had been carrying a deck of tarot cards that fluttered down around them like feathers.
Lex touched her arm. “My God, are you okay? I’m so sorry.”
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “I think so.”
“Let me help you,” Lex said as she knelt down, grabbing papers.
“Thanks.” She smiled at Lex, her brown eyes soft in her fair face.
Lex picked up a piece of paper, and the girl’s hand flew to her mouth when she saw what lay under it. Six tarot cards were face up, arranged in an almost perfect row in front of Lex, the other cards facedown in a ring around them.
The hairs on Lex’s arms and the back of her neck rose.
She met Lex’s eyes. “What the hell? This … this is crazy. Are you seeing this?”
Lex slowly sat down and took in a breath. “Yeah, I see it.”
“I think I’m supposed to read these for you.”
“I think you are, too.”
The girl took a deep breath and sat down in front of Lex before touching the first card. On it was an illustration of a happy man who walked the edge of a cliff in a green floral smock. He carried a parcel on a stick and a flower in his hand with a little white dog at his heel.
“The Fool,” she said. “You’re starting a new journey, an experience. The Fool is a wanderer, and the first card represents beginnings. But your journey is risky — The Fool walks the edge of a cliff, but he’s happy, not realizing the danger. It could go either way. He could keep on going, or he could fall.”
Lex’s mind raced with possibilities. Paper Fools? Coincidence? She was about to start a new journey; that was for sure, and she’d known from the beginning that Dean was risky. Pursuing him would likely only end with her heart splattered on the ground, but she could be happy too, if she was understanding right.
The girl touched the second card. The sun smiled serenely, large and dominant on the card, casting wide rays over a blond child with a flower crown who rode a white horse in the foreground.
“You’re looking for something constant, reliable. The second card represents your desires, and this card is The Sun. The Sun is always there for you. He greets you every morning to chase away the darkness of night. When the sky is filled with the blackest storm, The Sun is there to warm you when it breaks.”
Of course she wanted reliability. Who didn’t? She wanted Dean to be her sun, but how could she know for certain that she could depend on him? Her lips pinched shut as she stared at the cards in front of her.
The girl continued on as she touched the third card. “The Moon.”
A moon lay in a night sky over jagged mountains. A road wound off into the distance between two towers, and wild-eyed dogs howled around the path.
“You don’t want to be alone, and you’re worried you’ll be deceived, but you have to travel through the darkness to find The Sun. The third card represents your fears and obstacles. The Moon represents lies and confusion. When The Moon shows his face, something isn’t what it seems.” She peered at Lex. “Don’t let the moonlight fool you.”
Her stomach dropped. How could Dean promise her anything? He could deceive her, just as he’d deceived all the others. And as for her fears? Being lied to, being hurt was what she feared the most.
The girl’s fingers came to rest on the fourth card, which was upside down. The sun shone at the top of the card where an angel sat with red wings in a tuft of clouds. A man and woman stood in front of two trees, and a mountain rose in the distance.
“The Lovers reversed. When upright, The Lovers card represents a connection. In reverse, it means a connection broken, and the fourth card represents things in your life that are positive. Something will break The Lovers’ connection — usually infidelity. But the break will lead you to something positive.”
That had Dean written all over it. Her heart sank, cold realization crawling through her — he couldn’t be faithful. He had never been faithful to anyone, hadn’t even tried to be. The card was supposed to be about something good happening to her, though she had no idea how the fuck getting cheated on was a good thing.
The girl laid her fingers on the fifth card. A tower rose up into the black of night, and lightning struck the crown on top, cracking it as fire licked at the windows. Two men fell from the sky, grasping for purchase.
“The Tower. The fifth card represents what is working against you, the negative. The Tower protects the truth, and a storm is coming that will knock it down, setting the truth free. The Tower isn’t just a destructive card, though. It’s regenerative. You can regain control, by pushing The Tower down yourself instead of waiting for fate to play out. If you can do that, it’ll turn the negative into a positive.”
Was the truth inside that he didn’t care for her like she thought he did? Or that he couldn’t change? She would find out whether she wanted to or not. So, she could wait and throw her heart into Dean and let the tower crumble, or she could just end it. Push it down and save herself from the destruction that the storm would bring.
The girl picked up the final card and held it up in presentation as she looked into Lex’s eyes. Lex leaned forward to inspect the card. A wheel in the sky in the center of the card was marked with symbols, spokes connecting them across the wheel. In the top left sat an angel; in the right an eagle; the bottom right a lion; and what looked like a cow sat in the bottom left — all winged, all gold, and all reading.
“Wheel of Fortune. The sixth card is the outcome, and the Wheel of Fortune is fate. This card shows how destiny and fate are connected in a cycle, that it’s constantly moving and changing but predetermined. The outcome isn’t only likely; it’s certain. You can’t change fate, but you can prepare for it if you recognize the signs.”
Lex’s voice was raw. “If that reading wasn’t a sign, I don’t know what is.”
The girl’s hand fell, and her mouth was a tight line. “I’m sorry. This doesn’t seem like welcome news.”
Lex managed a pained smile. “It’s okay. None of this was news to me, however unwelcome it is.” She helped pick up the remaining cards and papers in silence, and when she stood, she wiped her sweaty palms on the thighs of her jeans as she walked back to her stool with shaky knees.
Her mind raced as she tried to process what had just happened. Lex took a deep breath, trying to convince her heart to slow down.
She felt like she’d been shoved into an icy river, the shock of the experience bringing her painful clarity. How could she have been so stupid, so blind to fall into something with Dean? Of course he would hurt her. She thought back on who he was: a womanizer. A user. How could she think he would ever, could ever want to be with her in the way that mattered?
And with that thought she knew.
She had to end it.
Lex leaned on the counter and cradled her head in her hands, breathing deep through her nose, trying not to vomit, trying to reason with herself.
I’ve dodged a bullet, she told herself over and over, but it hurt like she had taken it in the heart.
Dean paced around his apartment, picking things up and putting them back down again as he waited for Lex to come over.
His day at practice had been long and tense.
Roe had pulled him aside when he’d walked in, asking about what happened with Lex, but Dean had only shaken his head and said, “I can’t. Not now. Not yet.”
It had taken everything he had just to get through practice.
Travis was a good guy, and Dean felt for him, for what he was doing. He knew what he was taking from Travis, and his only hope was that Lex was right, that he wasn’t in love with her, that he would be okay. Dean had spent every second since they’d parted obsessing over how she would tell Travis, what he would say, what he would do, and how she would react.
As he walked the length of the room, he wondered most about when she would get there. Because of everything else, that was the thing he anticipated the most. He had replayed every moment of the day before on a loop since he’d watched her walk away.
His heart skipped when he heard the knock on the door, and he smiled as he opened it — until he saw her face. She stood in his hallway, small and dejected, and his hopes fell hard and fast.
“What’s wrong?” He stepped toward her, but she backed away, keeping the distance between them. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” She looked up at him with brimming eyes. “I didn’t tell him.”
Lex dropped her gaze to the ground and walked into his apartment, hands in her pockets, shoulders bent. She wouldn’t look at him, as much as he wanted her to.
He closed the door and turned to her with his heart in his stomach and his stomach in his throat.
“Dean, I … I’ve been thinking all day about us, and this afternoon, I realized something, something I should have known from the start.” She took a shaky breath. “I can’t give my heart to you because you don’t know how to take care of it. You told me that you don’t know how to do this, and I … I can’t be the one who you learn on. I can’t be the collateral damage for your learning curve. Because if I am, if I let you in and you hurt me, I’ll never recover. I can’t be my mom, Dean. I can’t.” Her voice broke along with his heart.
Dean’s body was a shell, his lack of experience holding him still — he couldn’t even contemplate a response.
Because she was right. He didn’t know how to care for her, and he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t hurt her, but he wanted to. He believed he could take care of her, protect her, if he was given the cha
nce. But no woman he had ever been with would describe him as trustworthy. He wanted to be — for her — but his word didn’t mean anything, not when his track record clearly said otherwise.
He looked at her for a long moment. “Okay,” he said, the word rough and burning. “Whatever you want, Lex.”
She breathed deep, her chin quivering and eyes shining, burning with things she wanted to say. But all she said was, “I have to go.”
Dean stood rooted to the ground, his throat in a vise. He wanted to stop her, call out to her, but he didn’t deserve her. The kindest thing he could do for her was to watch her walk away.
Dita’s eyes blazed as she stormed into the common living room, looking for Apollo, livid at the bullshit sham of a display. She found him on the couch and blew over, stopping at the edge of the sofas with her legs wide and her hands in fists, wrath boiling under her skin.
“What the fuck was that?” she shot.
Apollo didn’t appear fazed. He put his hands up in surrender, but his words were stern. “All’s fair, Dita.”
“You’re going to pay for that cheap-ass parlor trick.”
Apollo rose and looked her in the eye, the calm façade fading as he circled her. “What exactly did I do wrong? If you’re so sure you’re going to win, why are you worked up, hmm? How do you know for sure that I’m not the end of your winning streak? Last time I checked, I had the gift of prophecy, and you, Dita, did not.”
“You can’t win. Cannot.”
Apollo stopped in front of her, his body tense. “Why not? Might your boy-toy be unhappy?”
“Don’t speak of him, Apollo. Don’t even utter his name,” she growled, her rage threatening to push her over the edge of control. Her hair lifted as wind, peppered with rose petals, swirled around her in a glorious tornado.
Apollo’s face bent in vengeful anguish, and his voice boomed as he began to glow. “Do you think I don’t know, Dita? Do you? Because I do. You could give her back to me, but you won’t. Instead, you torture me.”
“You killed him,” she yelled, shocks of her power jumping from her fingertips. “You murdered him because of your shitheaded creep of a son. The boy had to be punished, Apollo. And your revenge far outweighed the price you paid.” The words shot out of her like white-hot knives.
