by jodi Gibson
‘What?’ Laura smiled back, tucking her hair behind her ear and secretly hoping her face wasn’t as flushed as it felt.
‘Nothing! You just … I dunno. You look nice tonight.’ He stumbled over his words.
Laura glanced down at her tattered denim shorts and cropped black T-shirt and folded her arms across her stomach. Then Ryan moved closer, resting his hand gently on her waist, his eyes boring into hers. Laura’s heart leaped up into her throat as he edged toward her. He was now close enough for Laura to feel his warm breath, and she instinctively crooked her neck and mirrored his actions until their lips touched ever so gently. Laura closed her eyes. His lips were soft and full, his mouth hot. Her stomach fluttered and a warmth swirled from her neck down to her toes. The kiss was like a perfect summer storm, hot and lingering.
Laura broke away, trying to hide her search for air, then Ryan whispered, ‘Do you want to go out with me?’
A nervous giggle escaped unexpectedly from Laura’s mouth, and she covered her face with her hands, mentally beating herself up for ruining the moment.
‘Well?’ he said.
Under the moonlight, Laura noticed the slight fleck of freckles along Ryan’s nose for the first time. They danced up toward the corners of his eyes as he stood there almost holding his breath.
‘Okay,’ Laura whispered back.
Ryan leaned in and kissed her again. His lips barely grazed hers before he took her hand and they walked back to the blanket on the bank. This time, they edged closer to each other as they sat down. A couple now, Laura thought, her heart doing a happy dance. Goose bumps pricked at her skin. The tingling feeling inside was like nothing she’d ever experienced. Her entire body from head to toe buzzed with electricity.
Laura’s stomach continued to flutter as she looked around and breathed in the summer evening. She wanted to soak in everything. How it felt, how it looked, the smells, sounds, everything. She etched the first sprinkling of stars in the evening sky into her memory and drew the warm summer breeze, teasing the gum trees, and then added the soundtrack of cicadas trilling and Jason Mraz in the background. She never wanted to forget this moment. And then she noticed Rachel in the water, staring at her and Ryan. Laura couldn’t stifle her excitement and grinned from ear to ear, but Rachel mustn’t have noticed, as she turned away.
Laura’s eyes sprang open, pulling her back from the memory. It was like reliving the moment again, yet this time it was filled with angst and confusion. Why did Rachel turn away? Why did Ryan write in his diary that he didn’t feel sparks? Laura surely did.
All the energy drained from Laura’s body. Her bones suddenly felt tired right down to the marrow, as if she couldn’t possibly move a muscle. But Ryan’s diary called to her. She had to read on.
Chapter 17
Ryan’s Journal
16 March 2009
I used to think I was bulletproof. Like I could do anything. No sense of fear and all that. Just fun at all costs. That's what I used to feel like. I’ve felt different the last couple of weeks. I guess it’s been longer than that, like a niggling feeling of something I can’t quite explain. But these last few weeks it’s been more than usual. It’s like I think I should be happier. I have a girlfriend now. And Laura’s great. Always so happy, so excited to see me. She’s changed me. For the better. When I’m with her, she makes me feel worth something. But the more I try to lose myself in her, it’s like the more awake my head becomes. Questioning me. Planting doubts in my head. Like I’m not good enough for her.
The last few weeks have felt like they’ve dragged on, each day heavier than the last. My mind gets really confused and overthinks everything. It’s like I’m trying to solve a complex algebraic equation that keeps going to infinity, and I just can’t get my head around it.
I can’t work out why I feel like this. I should be happy, right? Then today, my anger just built up inside me. I couldn’t control it. It was if a freight train was pounding in my chest, thundering up toward my head, demanding to be released. That’s the only way I can explain it.
It wasn’t the first time it’s happened. I felt bad about the last time when I went off at Laura for no real reason. This time, us boys were on the basketball court at lunchtime. Laura and Rachel and a couple of others looked on. Everything was cool until one of the boys started ribbing me about Laura watching, saying I was trying to show off as I’d just shot two three-pointers in a row. I knew he was only teasing, but I lost it. I threw the ball into his groin and stormed off. If I were a cartoon, steam would have been coming out my ears. That’s how hot and burning with anger I felt. All I saw was black. Rage. Frustration. I pissed off down the river for the last two periods ’cause I couldn’t face anyone. Then I walked home and locked myself in my room. I didn’t know what to do. The feeling didn’t go away. It kept building inside me. I don’t know why I did it. Like I had to get it out, I guess, but I took a pen and began digging it into my thigh. The pain actually felt good. When I broke the skin, it was like relief trickled out with the blood. Like I was letting out all the poisonous feelings that had built up. Then I felt calm. The throbbing of my leg felt good. I deserved it. But the calm feeling didn’t last long. After that, I felt shit again. Heavy. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I don’t know who I am anymore. And I hate it.
3 April 2009
It was Easter this weekend. Gran gave me a chocolate rabbit. I gave her a box of Cadbury chocolates, those roses ones. They’re her favorite. Then last night there was a party out at Tom’s farm. Most of the year twelves were there. I was looking forward to it, but at the same time I felt weird. Things with Laura were weird. I don’t know how to explain it. I miss her when I’m not with her, but when I’m with her, I wish I was elsewhere. Sometimes I just feel smothered by her, or by my own feelings. I don’t know. It frustrates me. I kind of think that maybe I expect too much. Like everything has to be perfect. Like those stupid romance movies. All electricity and fireworks. Sometimes I want her so bad, yet other times I just want to be alone. I know it’s hard on her. She'd spend every minute with me if she could. I know it’s wrong not wanting to be with her. It makes me feel crap. Like I’m a bad boyfriend. I am really. I like being with her, but. See? I can’t work myself out. There’s like this feeling in the pit of my stomach. A queasiness. I got so frustrated with myself Friday night that I slammed my fist through my cupboard door. Fuck, it hurt. Way more than I let on. Gran was pissed too. I tried to pretend it was an accident, but she isn’t that stupid. She’s worried about me too, which I guess is only natural. But she’s a bit overly worried, like trying to hug me and tell me I can talk to her anytime. Which I can’t. This stuff isn’t for her.
Then at the party last night I did something really stupid. I kissed Rachel. We ended up alone in the shed after Tom showed us his HQ Ute his dad’s restoring for him. Man, it’s cool. He’s so lucky. Anyway, Tom and Laura ran back to the party to miss the downpour of rain, but me and Rachel got caught out behind, so we sheltered in the shed to wait for the storm to pass. It was really pissing down. We were both a little drunk. I know that. And her white shirt was wet and sticking to her. She looked really sexy. And she came on to me too. It wasn’t just me. Not that that’s an excuse. But I kissed her, and it felt so good. She kissed me like she wanted me. Actually wanted me. Then I got really shitty at myself for cheating on Laura. I know it was wrong. But Rachel didn’t seem to care much. She told me she’s liked me longer than Laura has. And she kissed me again. After the rain stopped, I ran to find Laura. I was going to come clean, but she was in such a good mood, how could I tell her something like that? Instead, I told her I wasn’t feeling well and rang Gran to come and pick me up.
And now I feel like shit. I can’t stop thinking about what I did. But I can’t stop thinking about Rachel either. I’m a fucking asshole.
30 May 2009
Today in art class I kind of lost it. We were supposed to draw an abstract charcoal sketch of what was inside our minds. Mine turned out to
be a huge smudge of gray twisted lines and dark shadows. As I drew, I pressed harder and harder until the charcoal smashed into a powdery mess in my hands. I screwed up the paper. More proof that I fuck everything up. Just like I’m fucking things up with Laura. I know she’s so good for me.
But I’m scared of hurting her. I know I’ve hurt her already, especially if she found out what happened with Rachel. I don’t understand how Laura sees any light inside me at all. I feel so ugly. If she only knew what I was really like.
I’ve been texting with Rachel a bit, which I know is bad. But she gets me. She’s got her own shit with her parents pressuring her to be as smart as her older sister who’s studying medicine. They want her to study medicine next year too. But she doesn’t want to. She feels trapped. Like I do. We like, have common ground. Which I know sounds lame. And it’s no excuse.
I knew it was wrong to kiss her in the shed that night. But I can’t stop thinking about how it felt. It was a fast and furious relief. Feeling her body on mine, with as much, if not more desire. Rachel tastes different than Laura.
Laura is different, being with her is different. It’s calm. Like only one emotion. Just the opposite of what’s going on in my head. Life isn’t calm and perfect at all. Life is fucked.
I don’t know why, but I feel like Rachel gets that, which makes me want her even more. She’s like a drug or something, and I can feel my addiction building. I want that feeling of kissing her again. I need to tell Laura. It’s not fair to her. She’s done nothing wrong. I’m the asshole. But I also don’t want to hurt her. I have to break it off with her though. She deserves someone much better than me. I’m just making a mess of not only my life, but hers too. But I can’t find the right moment to tell her. It’s as if I’m two different people half the time. Two different people constantly fighting with each other to go opposite ways. But one of them always seems to win. The bad one gags and silences the other one—the good one—unable to stop the darkness of the other.
All I want to do is make Gran proud of me. But if she knew this, she’d be so disappointed in me. I know it. She’s done so much for me. Being my mum, dad, and gran. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately too. The accident. I’ve never been told much about it. All Gran has said is that it was a car crash. They were driving back from Melbourne on the back roads, not far from home, when Dad lost control and the car ended up wrapped around a telegraph pole. I want to know more. What happened. It’s like I don’t know who I am, and I feel that finding out about them more would ground me or something. It sounds stupid, but I feel like I’m lost. I was only like two or something when Gran moved us here. I can’t remember the place I was born in, where I lived with Mum and Dad. It was out in central NSW, somewhere remote. Maybe I should go there one day. See where I used to live. Go see their graves or something. I don’t even know why Gran chose to move here to Banyula. Just said she picked somewhere on the map and chose it. Weird. Maybe I should Google what happened. I know Gran doesn’t like talking about it. And I don’t want to upset her. It’s all I seem to do lately. Upset people.
Chapter 18
Laura wiped her eyes and closed the diary. Outside the living room window, the gray clouds of day had turned to a black moonless night. Laura hadn’t even noticed the rain begin again, the gentle monotonous tone on the roof. She looked at her watch. It was almost nine, and she hadn’t eaten, but she wasn’t hungry. She couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan. It began to make sense now. His mood swings, his pushing her away. Why couldn’t she have seen it more clearly then and tried to help him?
Acid had crawled through her skin when she read about Ryan kissing Rachel. It hurt all over again. Anger built as she thought of Rachel. How could she? There was more to their relationship than a kiss. They had deep conversations, something Laura never had with Ryan. The betrayal cut deeper now than it did before. It’s one thing to have your boyfriend kiss your best friend, but another for them to share intimate details and their thoughts and feelings. Why couldn’t Ryan do that with her? She tried to analyze where she’d gone wrong. Where they’d gone wrong. Were they ever right? Laura’s feelings for Ryan were so much stronger than it appeared his ever were. If she’d realized then, if she’d paid more attention, she could have stopped the heartache. She could have tried to help him.
Laura tried to think of the first time she felt their relationship sour. There wasn’t an incident as such, more a series of weird moments that caught her off guard and unsettled her. She had shaken them off, but now in hindsight …
She thought back to one time in particular. At the time it had bothered her, but she’d pushed it aside. Even thinking back now, it wasn’t a huge watershed moment, but it was a point where the dynamics between the four of them, especially her and Rachel, changed.
It wasn’t that long after Laura had started seeing Ryan. Laura and Rachel were sitting underneath the line of gum trees along the school boundary fence eating their lunch.
‘What’s going on, Rach?’ Laura had asked after they’d sat there in silence for a few minutes against the backdrop of the noisy schoolyard.
‘Huh? What d’you mean?’
‘Well, I haven’t seen much of you.’
‘I see you every day at school! What are you talking about?’ Rachel took another bite of her ham sandwich.
‘Yeah, I know. But we haven’t caught up after school for ages. And whenever I text, it always takes you forever to reply.’
Rachel seemed to chew on that one mouthful for a long time. ‘I dunno. Guess we’re both just doing different stuff.’ She paused. ‘I mean, you’re hanging with Ryan or doing homework, and now I’m working. And mum’s still on my back about my grades.’
Laura shrugged, not convinced. Rachel had been weird since Laura had started seeing Ryan. She was sure of it. Just subtle changes like whenever Laura would start talking about Ryan, Rachel would change the subject.
‘I guess,’ Laura said, unable to question her more as Ryan and Tom sauntered over to them.
Ryan sat down next to Laura with his sausage roll and leaned over to kiss her on the forehead before jamming the roll into his mouth, the pastry crumbling and sticking to the corners of his lips.
Laura noticed Rachel roll her eyes.
They sat there for a while, eating their lunches and surveying the school ground. The cool kids were hanging out in a pack by the common room, the boys jack-arsing around and the girls pretending to laugh at their antics, secretly thinking they were tools. There was a group of boys on the basketball court dribbling and joking around.
Laura noticed the group of popular girls sitting in the middle of the oval, their legs stretched out in front of them. She immediately felt self-conscious. They were all so much prettier than Laura with their long legs, clear skin, and pouty lips. But here she was with Ryan. The most popular boy at St. Joseph’s liked her. Plain Jane Laura. She mentally pinched herself, still not believing it was real. A boy likes me. Me, plain old Laura.
‘So are you guys coming over this Saturday? Mum said we can camp out in the sleepout,’ Tom asked after finishing his pie.
‘Yep. I’m good,’ said Rachel.
‘Sure,’ Ryan replied.
‘Lauz? You coming?’ Tom asked again.
‘Yeah. Course,’ she said.
‘Cool. If it’s still hot enough, we can go down the river for a swim.’
‘Hey, did you see Sam’s tattoo?’ Ryan asked no one in particular.
‘Tattoo? Ya kidding?’ said Tom.
‘Yup. Some weird shit. A Chinese symbol or something. Come on, he’s over there.’ The two boys jumped up and headed over to the basketball courts to check out the tattoo.
Laura watched Ryan as he sauntered off across the grass, tilting her head and smiling.
‘You really like him, don’t you?’ Rachel said.
Laura’s cheeks flushed, and she averted her eyes.
Rachel shook her head.
‘What?’ Laura asked.
‘Nothing.�
��
‘It’s not nothing, Rach. Something’s up with you. Is it me going out with Ryan?’
Rachel brushed the crumbs off her skirt and casually frowned. ‘Nah. Don’t be stupid. Why would that worry me?’
‘I don’t know. Well, if it’s not that, what is it then?’
Rachel exhaled. ‘It’s just … I dunno, you haven’t even been going with him for a month, and well, it’s like he’s everything!’
Laura sensed a change in her tone. ‘He’s not everything. It’s just the first real relationship I’ve had. You know that. You’d be the same.’
‘I just think you should slow down a bit. You know.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I just mean don’t rush into it.’
Laura wasn’t really sure what Rachel meant, but an uneasy feeling twisted silently in her tummy, tightening and making her queasy.
‘I’d just hate to see you get hurt. That’s all.’ Rachel cut the silence, shrugging it off as if it were nothing.
‘I’m a big girl, Rach. And anyway, I’ve got you.’
Rachel smiled. It was a faraway smile, and Laura could see the lines between Rachel’s eyes deepen.
‘Rach?’ Laura reached across and touched her hand. ‘What’s wrong?’
She shook her head. ‘It’s just … you are so happy, and … well, it’s not that I don’t want you to be happy, but …’
‘But what?’
‘I don’t know. It’s just like everything is changing, that’s all. I don’t want things to change, especially us. You guys are the only ones who get me, who don’t expect me to be like Amy.’
Amy was Laura’s older sister. She was smart, beautiful, and could never put a foot wrong in the eyes of their parents. She’d moved to Canberra to study medicine and had just graduated. Their parents expected the same from Rachel.
‘It’s okay, Rach. It’s not going to change anything,’ Laura said. ‘I promise, okay?’
