by jodi Gibson
‘Would you mind giving me a lift? I don’t think I’ll be getting my car out for a few days. Oh god, I don’t even want to think about that.’
‘I think the SES towed it in last night, but I don’t reckon it’s going anywhere right now. I’ll take a look at it for you, but sure, I’ll take you back in.’
‘Thanks, I’ve got the op-shop guys coming to collect the furniture at eleven.’
‘No worries.’
Laura slipped her arms around Tom’s waist. She fit so perfectly in his embrace.
Half an hour later, Tom drove his Ute toward Laura’s house, aware of the thick air between them.
‘You okay?’ Laura said, sliding her hand across to his leg.
‘Yeah.’
‘You’ve just been really quiet this morning.’
Tom shrugged. ‘A lot on my mind, I guess.’
‘Of course. Hey, do you mind just finishing off that last cupboard door for me in the kitchen? It’ll only take a minute,’ Laura asked as they pulled into the driveway.
‘Yeah, sure.’
Tom followed Laura into the house. ‘Leave the door open,’ she called. ‘Let the sunshine in. The house could do with a good airing after all that rain.’
After Tom had fixed the door, Laura turned him to face her. ‘Tom, what is it? I know you’ve got a lot on your mind, but something tells me it’s more than that.’
‘It’s nothing. Really,’ Tom lied.
Laura smiled. ‘Did I tell you I’ve sold the house?’
Tom raised his eyebrows. ‘Wow! That was fast.’ He didn’t even realize she had formally put it on the market. ‘So, now what?’
‘Well.’ She smiled. Tom loved how the freckle under her right eye seemed to dance when she smiled. ‘I have some stuff to work out, but…’ She paused, twisting her fingers. ‘What I’m trying to say is, if you’re wanting to …’
Tom’s heart both leaped and thumped. This was what he’d wanted since he first understood his feelings for her. But it all seemed wrong now. He could barely look at her. How was he supposed to tell her he was going to lose the farm? How even with the insurance—if it came through—there was no way he could meet the bank payments now he’d lost so much stock, especially his prize heifer. And she still didn’t know the truth about Ryan. It was wrong. He had to come clean. If he had any chance to make things right, it was now.
‘Laura,’ he started, reaching for her hands. Her palms were butter-soft against his calloused fingers.
‘I can’t do this,’ he said, staring at the floor.
‘You can’t do what?’
‘This. Us.’
‘What?’ Laura’s face fell. ‘But, I … we …’
‘It’s not that I don’t love you. I do. I’ve loved you forever, it seems. But …’ Tom's brow furrowed, then he shook his head. ‘It’s not that simple.’
‘I know it’s not going to be easy, Tom. I know we’ve been through a lot. And I know I have to earn your trust. I promise I’m not going to run off again. And I have to deal with Luke.’ She paused, and Tom felt her tension. ‘I know there’s going to be some tough times on the farm. But, I want to be there with you for it. I want to invest in the farm with the money from mum’s house. Invest in us. I've loved that farm since I can remember. It's every childhood memory for me. I didn't realize how much it felt like home until … well, until I thought you’d lost it all. A piece of me felt lost too. And then … then I realized I love you. I think maybe I always have.’
Tom couldn’t look into her eyes; he knew he would lose his nerve. He turned away, trying to hide the emotion that was building. ‘I can't, Laura. I’m sorry.’
‘Tom! Please, listen to me, listen to what I'm saying. We can do this together,’ Laura said, reaching for his shoulder.
‘No, Laura. I can't take your money. Your mum's money. I've got to take responsibility. That’s just how it is. I’m a Gordon. It’s what we do. And you know, maybe the farming life isn't for me anyway.’ His voice broke with the words.
‘Don't you ever say that!’ Laura said, turning him around to face her.
A hopeless expression was etched into the fine lines on Tom’s face. ‘I want you, Laura, but you don't need to buy me. I would take you if I had nothing else in this world and we had to live on the streets. But you deserve so much more than that.’
Laura shook her head in frustration. ‘If it was because I felt sorry for you or just wanted to help you out, that would be different. But I'm standing here telling you I love you, telling you I want to spend the rest of my life with you. This is the only thing I've ever been sure about in my whole life,’ Laura said. ‘For once, I know what I want. And it’s you.’ Tom watched Laura as she blinked, and tears trickled down her face and onto her neck. He reached to her and wiped them away with his thumb, and she grabbed his hand. ‘I love you, Tom.’
He looked her deep in the eyes, summoning the courage. ‘Laura, I’m going to lose the farm.’
‘What do you mean you’re going to lose the farm?’
‘I’ve missed too many loan payments; they’re going to foreclose on me. And now with all the flood damage,’ his voice broke, ‘I’m nothing, Laura.’
He watched her, expecting her expression to change to one of disgust, pity even, but it didn’t. Instead, she pulled him close, and whispered, ‘I don’t care. We’ll figure it out.’
But there was one more thing he had to come clean with. One last thing would need to be laid bare in front of them if they were ever going to have a chance together. He knew this would break her, but he had no choice.
‘And there’s something else,’ he said, pulling away from her. ‘I was the last person to see Ryan alive.’
Chapter 31
Laura felt her face flush as the words lingered between them, hanging in the silence as if suspended by time. The words slowly seeped into the part of her brain where she could decipher them. But even then, she didn’t understand. How could Tom have been the last to see Ryan alive? She was. She left him on the tracks. She heard the whistle of the train only minutes later. It couldn’t be true.
‘That’s not true. You can’t have been,’ she whispered, confusion blanketing her face.
Tom turned toward her. ‘I saw you and Ryan on the tracks. I’d been looking for you. I wanted to tell you everything. About Ryan and Rachel. And then I saw you both.’
‘How? Where were you?’
‘I was hiding behind the bushes near the walkway. I don’t know what made me hide. I was a coward. I know. But you guys were arguing. And I thought that maybe he’d come clean on his own. Man up about it, you know?’
Laura’s eyes searched Tom’s for answers. For anything that made sense. What he was saying didn’t make sense.
‘But I couldn’t really hear much, and then I saw you storm off. I wanted to follow you, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Ryan. He just sat there. I was so angry, Laura. So angry at him. But I knew if I approached him I’d beat the shit out of him. I didn’t know what he was going through then. If I’d known … I dunno, I’d have gone for help or something. I should have gone to him. Maybe, if I had …’ Tom shrugged. The weight of his confession pressed down his shoulders so much that they only twitched. ‘But, I just left him there. I turned away and walked back toward town, then I heard the train coming. But I didn’t think anything of it. I didn’t put two and two together. I left him there to die.’ Tom’s face crumpled. He turned his back to Laura and leaned his head on the kitchen cupboards. His shoulders shuddered.
Laura was frozen to the ground, her feet unable to move. She wasn’t even sure she was breathing. All this time she had blamed herself. Thinking she could have saved him—should have saved him—when all along Tom had been carrying this weight too. The awful heaviness that no matter how hard she tried, couldn’t be shaken. Suddenly, this wasn’t just Laura’s pain. This was their pain. She felt sick to her stomach at her selfishness. At the way she had run away, turned her back on everyone. So young, so naïve, so
self-centered. She could barely bear to be in her own flesh. And there was Tom, broken, just as she was, although worse. He felt he’d let her down. Let Ryan down. And he’d said nothing. She reached over to Tom and put her hand on his back.
He spun around, his eyes holding a hopeless expression. ‘I should have beaten the crap out of him, Laura. At least then he wouldn’t have been on the tracks. At least then he’d still be alive!’ He turned away again.
‘Tom, no. You don’t know that!’
Wrapping her arms around him from behind, Laura cradled his shaking body, wondering how things got to this point. A mess of confusion, heavy secrets, and tear-soaked memories. An anger began to bubble inside her. Anger laden in guilt. She’d turned her back on her friends when they needed each other. She’d acted as if she were the only one hurt in the aftermath, that her emotions were the only ones too fragile to deal with the tragedy. She’d walked away from her own mother! Laura squeezed her eyes tight, trying to stop the clashing emotions. How could Tom keep this from her? Why did Rachel and Ryan betray her, betray Tom—the friendship? Why didn’t her mother try harder for Laura? Make her come back. Face her friends? Face Banyula? Why didn’t she make her listen? Laura’s body was stiff with all these colliding thoughts and emotions. She didn’t recognize the feeling as it surged inside her, gripping at her throat, clawing at her stomach. She tried to breathe through it, but her breaths were shaky and short. Tom mumbled almost inaudibly, ‘I’m so sorry, Laura.’
She pulled away, visibly shaking, the tightening in her throat making her breaths short. ‘I know, Tom. I know.’ She rubbed her temples. ‘I just need some time to process all of this.’ She walked to the kitchen window and stared into the empty backyard, still trying to focus on her breathing.
‘Okay, I’ll go. I don’t blame you for not being able to look at me.’
It took all of Laura’s strength not to turn around. She didn’t know what emotion would emerge first, the overwhelming need to forgive Tom or the crushing force to scream at him. She couldn’t risk it. It was only when she heard the front door close behind him that she let herself erupt into sobs over the sink.
Laura wasn’t sure how long she sat in the kitchen. The sunshine through the kitchen window had changed the shadows on the carpet, and Laura felt cold. Her mind was blank and numb. Her limbs were heavy, and her eyes grated against the lids when she blinked. Then she remembered. The removalists!
Half an hour later, she emerged from the bathroom with fresh makeup, including a thick layer of concealer to cover her blotchy face. Although her thoughts were still murky, clarity was beginning to form. Her anger now dissolved along with her tears. She couldn’t cry anymore. She had nothing left. While blackening her lashes, she’d looked at herself in the mirror and told herself it was over. There was nothing else that could break her further.
A rap on the front door broke her thoughts, and she spent the next half hour directing the removalists to what furniture and boxes were to be loaded onto the truck. Just as they were pulling away from the curb, and Laura was unclipping the front door from its propped-open position, she noticed a car pull up. Her eyes widened.
Luke jumped out of the car, his clothes creased and stuck to his back from the long drive. His beard was longer than she remembered, and his eyes were surrounded by a grayish tinge, as if he hadn’t slept in a while. He walked toward Laura, scooping her in his arms before she knew what was happening.
‘Laura! You don’t know how good it is to see you,’ he said, rubbing her back. Laura wiggled out of the embrace to be greeted with the force of his lips on hers. The familiar lips, which she realized she hadn’t missed.
‘I’ve missed you so much. I’ve been a jerk, I’m sorry. I should have been here for you.’ He didn’t wait for her to respond. Rather, he stepped back and surveyed the weatherboard cottage. ‘Wow! So, this is where you grew up?’
Luke’s raised eyebrows told Laura everything she needed to know. He didn’t know her. He didn’t understand. She knew that it was her own fault. She’d never been forthcoming. She knew he, who grew up in the affluence of Toorak, wouldn’t get it even if she had have explained things to him. They were worlds apart, but it was only now she allowed herself to see the chasm clearly for the first time. She sucked in a deep breath, willing her courage to not let her down this time.
‘Luke,’ Laura paused, ‘we need to talk.’
Laura led Luke into the kitchen. ‘Sorry, there’s nowhere to sit right now. Pull up a bench, I guess.’
Luke did just that and hoisted himself onto the bench. ‘I really am sorry, Laura. I shouldn’t have chosen work over you.’
‘Luke, I … meant what I said. It’s over,’ she said as matter-of-factly as she could.
‘C’mon, let’s not do this now. I’ll help you finish up here, and we’ll deal with things when we get back to the city.’
‘I’m not coming back with you, Luke. I can’t,’ Laura responded, taken aback by her own abruptness.
‘What do you mean? Look, if you don’t want to get married, it’s okay. If you want to wait, we’ll wait. It’s no big deal. And I know it doesn’t feel right now after your mum and everything. We’ll know when the time is right.’
Laura looked at Luke, seeing him in a completely different light than she had a few weeks ago. He was a good person. She knew that. He just wasn’t her person. He deserved someone who wanted the same things out of life: success, money, notoriety. Someone whom he made feel right, like pulling on a well-worn pair of lamb’s wool slippers. Now that Laura was being completely honest, it had never been like that for her. Not with Luke. And that wasn’t fair to either of them.
‘I meant what I said. I’m not in love with you, Luke.’
The words stilled in the silence, and Laura watched as Luke’s face crunched into confusion.
He jumped down off the bench and paced the kitchen. ‘I don’t get it, Laura. When I asked you to marry me, you said yes. What, you didn’t mean it? You didn’t love me then? You fell out of love with me? What is it? You don’t feel it?’ he said, his hand slapping his chest.
‘I don’t know. I was trying. I thought I’d get there, but …’ This wasn’t going how she had planned. Her initial confidence was now shaky.
Luke walked to Laura and took her hands. ‘Okay, I know you’re hurting. I know that coming back here must have brought back so many memories. You just need to grieve. Everything will be fine. I know it will.’
Laura sucked in a deep breath. She wanted so much to give in. To end his hurt. But she couldn’t. For the first time in her life, she had to be honest about her feelings. She couldn’t run away from herself any longer; she had to tell the truth.
‘I’m sorry, Luke. I’m not coming back with you.’
Luke dropped her hands and fell silent. His face held an expression Laura couldn’t decipher, but she knew he finally understood. Laura was suddenly aware of the kitchen clock, its loud rhythmic ticking the only sound, as there was nothing left to say.
Chapter 32
The next morning, Laura woke to the sun sneaking around the corner of the blinds. Although yesterday was emotional, to say the least, Laura felt lighter. Open. As if the hard casing protecting her heart was beginning to crack and crumble away. But she still had no idea where her future lay. Was it here with Tom? And what about Rachel? And Ryan and Rachel’s son Mitchell? Her thoughts confused her. If only her mum was here. She’d know what to do.
The thought of her mum made her throat snag. How she longed for a warm hug. She closed her eyes and imagined snuggling into her mother like they used to on the couch. A ball of love, her mum called it. They’d snuggle for what felt like hours, and everything, no matter how bad, would feel right with the world.
Laura contemplated what life would look like without her mum in it. She wished she’d come back sooner and faced everything. But there was no use in wishful thinking or trying to reinvent the past. Laura knew much better than that.
Over the past few
weeks, Laura had been hanging off the dark end of the emotional spectrum. All the grief and loss for her mother. The pining for the past and days long gone. Then the apprehension, hurt, and heartbreak for Ryan, Tom, and Rachel, as she tried to make peace with the secrets and misunderstandings that had stood between them. The regret for teenage stupidity and naivety and her own stubbornness that had consumed her over the past years. The despair she felt saying goodbye to Luke, not wanting to hurt him, but knowing it was the only thing she could do. He would find someone, someone perfect for him. It just wasn’t Laura.
Now she felt ready to say goodbye. Not to Banyula, not even to the past, but to her old self. The old Laura who would have kept running. Not now. Now the only place she wanted to run to was Tom.
Laura felt a warmth course through her. As much as she’d felt exhausted from the dark emotions, she couldn’t deny she was feeling something good inside. Something had sparked inside her. She wasn’t lying when she told Tom she loved him. It felt right. She wondered if her feelings for Tom had been there all along, simply buried under the weight of teenage bullshit. Of self-importance. It was cool being Ryan’s girlfriend back then, but when she really thought about it, her best times had always been with Tom. Those innocent moments of pure fun when nothing else mattered. Like netting yabbies in the dam. Building treehouses by the river. Watching Tom’s wide grin as he ran through the fields after being dared to enter the bull paddock. Those moments were etched deep in her heart, and up until now, she’d thought they were just fond childhood memories. But she had realized they were so much more. She could see herself on the farm. With Tom. She could see a future she hadn’t been able to envision with Luke. A life. Love. Kids. A future that made her heart skip and body twitch with anticipation.
Laura had never wanted to look to the future before, held back by hurt and betrayal. It was as if, if she looked forward to something, it would break and shatter to pieces as it had with Ryan. But now, it was different. Her heart was thawing. Who knew if those feelings were always there for Tom, or if it was simply meant to be? Laura was over agonizing about the past. She had to move forward. And even though it pained her to see Rachel, and now Mitchell, it also brought hope. Hope that Ryan would live on. Not only in her memory, but in the face of that little boy who knew nothing but innocence. Who didn’t yet know of the tragedy and heartache. Who should only know about the good in Ryan’s soul.
