That’s okay, just go around and start things on the couch.
I moved to sit next to him, running my hand down his chest. When I reached his belly button he grasped my hand tightly, stopping its movement.
“Tyler?” I frowned.
“Remember when we didn’t have to drive ten minutes to fuck each other.” He turned his face to look at me. “When all this bullshit wasn’t necessary because we lived together.”
I smelled it then, the whiskey on his breath. “Tyler, you’ve been drinking.”
He shrugged and took a swig from his cup, his other hand still squeezing mine tightly against his belly. “Do you remember, Rowan?”
I sighed. “Yes, I remember.”
“That’s what I thought. I mean, then again, it wouldn’t shock me if you forgot. I was just another fool on your list,” he said bitterly.
“Tyler, where is this coming from? I thought we agreed—”
“To what? Not talk about the past? About the present? About all the fucked up things you do to get your way?” He chuckled angrily, the green of his irises seeming to darken.
I glanced away. “We agreed that this would be one thing, just—”
“Fucking. Sex.” He smirked. “I know what we agreed to. That doesn’t mean I can’t break the rules. I can do whatever the fuck I want. I mean, you do.” He took another swig of his drink. “You fuck around, do what you want.” He set the cup down on his coffee table. “Was this how it was when you were fucking Darren? Did y’all sneak around like this? Is that why it comes so natural to you, Rowan? Because you’ve had all this practice?”
“I’m not going to do this tonight.” I moved to stand, more than ready to go.
“Yes, you are.” He kept hold of my hand, preventing me from moving. “I mean, you didn’t have a relationship with him afterward, based on what I heard from everyone. Things between the two of you didn’t go any further.”
My lips parted in surprise that he had even asked.
“Yeah, you didn’t think I’d check up on you? See what you were doing – if you and that piece of shit were going to get married.”
“Married?” I frowned. “Why did you think I would have married him?”
“Cause you weren’t going to marry me, so why wouldn’t you marry him?”
“Marriage is serious, Tyler it—”
“I know how serious it is,” he interrupted me. “I bought you a ring back when we were together. I spent a year paying it off, and months carrying it around in my car, ready to propose to you, but I never found the right time, and then…” He let the words trail off, as my mind swirled at his revelation.
“You’re joking. You’re drunk, that’s all.”
“I’m not joking around.” He pushed off the couch, and pulled me into his bedroom, letting go of me only once we were in his closet. I watched as he rummaged through a box at the very back, before extracting a purple velvety box. He held it out to me.
I didn’t take it. I couldn’t.
He shoved it into my hands, opening it for me. There, amongst the velvet sat a beautiful white-gold ring, with a large solitaire in the center, and several smaller diamonds on both sides on the band. My breath caught in my throat. I knew Tyler had loved me so much, maybe too much, back then, but I’d had no idea he had been ready to marry me.
“I came home with it ready to propose the moment I finally got it off layaway. But that night you were different for the first time.” He shook his head and took the box from my hand, putting it back where he had it hidden. “You’d already started seeing him, I guess. You didn’t love me anymore. I should have realized it that day, but I was too stuck up your ass to recognize it.”
Words were thick in my throat. I didn’t know what to say, how to respond. I was in shock.
“It’s funny because even after all this time, I expect you to deny it and you still don’t.”
He moved past me, out of the closet. I followed him, like a zombie.
“You mean, you wanted to marry me, even after things were going bad at work with Darren, and my dad was really on your ass?” I asked as we reached the living room.
He snorted, irritated. “Obviously, Rowan. Back then I would have done anything to be with you forever, even if it meant putting up with that bullshit.”
I knew that was true, though I hadn’t thought marriage had been in his head, not yet. It was why I did what I did – because I knew he would give up everything for me.
“I know, Tyler. I know,” I hesitated, “I know you would have put up with anything at work, with my dad, anything else so you could be with me.”
“Except cheating.” He added, running his hand down his chest.
“Yes,” I tried to swallow the lump in my throat, the one that was filled with all the words I’d wanted to say for a long time, but it wouldn’t go down. This time I was the one who moved and sat on the couch. He followed me, sitting a few feet away. “It was why I had to do what I did. I had to hurt you. I knew you would never let me go if I didn’t.”
He frowned. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“I told you, in your office that day, I didn’t cheat on you. I never did. Not with Darren, not with anyone.”
His gaze narrowed. “I watched the video.”
“I know. I had it made.” I shrugged. “It was Darren and Julie, a girl he was seeing around that time. She was about the same build as me, with long hair. Darren and her agreed to make the video and give it to me. I just had to have someone superimpose my face on Julie’s body. I knew you wouldn’t look too close, that you wouldn’t be able to tell that it was edited.”
“You’re lying.”
I sighed and shook my head. “For once – about this – no, I’m not lying.”
He gave an irritated snort. “So let’s say I entertain this made-up story.” He leaned forward, the scent of whiskey assailing my nostrils again. “So you didn’t cheat on me with Darren. You just let me think you did.” He shook his head back and forth as if trying the clear it. “Why the hell would you do that? Why would you want me to think that?”
“I told you. I knew you wouldn’t leave me. I knew you wouldn’t leave my dad’s company, even though you were worth more. You deserved more – better pay, better hours, where you didn’t have to worry about someone messing with your work. You deserved all of those things, and I knew I was the only thing keeping you from having them.” I threw my hands up. “Don’t you see Tyler? I was holding you back from your true potential, and if you stayed with me you were never going to find it, to explore who you could be. I was like a flat tire, keeping you on the side of the road when you had thousands of miles of highway ahead of you.”
I could still remember the day I recognized that I would have to let Tyler go. He had worked late again, logging over seventy hours for the week. I knew he couldn’t physically go on with his life like that – not forever. But it looked like it was going to be that way. I’d talked to him about other opportunities, other jobs, but he’d only shake his head in disbelief saying, “Your dad would kill us both.” Dismissing the idea completely. I’d concocted the idea of shutting him out, acting cold and unhappy, knowing he wouldn’t put up with that kind of behavior for long. I’d been wrong. He tried harder to make me happy, coming home early every chance he had, bringing me flowers, attempting date nights whenever he could. I was perplexed, certain that after a while he would give up and want to split, but he didn’t. He seemed even more desperate to please me, to bring our love back to the way it was before.
Eventually, I knew I would have to do something else, as pushing him away wasn’t enough. I had to hurt him. I didn’t want to do it, but he wouldn’t leave otherwise. Then something else happened, something that made it all the more important he leave me under the belief of cheating. So I set everything up with Darren, who was more than happy to crush Tyler completely, so long as he was promised the shop foreman job when Tyler quit.
Tyler sat across from me, his green eyes fil
led with disbelief. “No, you, you cheated on me.”
Suddenly, I was desperate for him to believe me. It was all on the table, just like I’d wanted months ago. I’d let go of ever having his confidence since then, but now it was imperative. I was laying down the cards. He needed to believe me – to understand that I did this for him. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and clicked into my email, knowing I had a copy of the video somewhere in my drive.
“Look,” I said when I finally found it. “Here is the real version.” I held out the phone see he could see it. Darren and Julie filled the screen. I fast-forwarded to when Julie’s face was most visible. While we were similar in build and hair length, our faces were different. Julie had wider blue eyes and paler, less freckled skin. “See.” He took the phone from my hand, his gaze riveted to the video. After a few moments passed, I took my phone back and clicked on the next video, the one with my face edited onto Julie’s. “Now, here’s the edited version.”
Tyler peered at it, his eyes glued to the screen. I watched with him, especially when my superimposed face came closer to the screen. It looked unnatural, with my facial expression not moving the way it should. We sat there for some time. I watched Tyler while he watched the video, up until things started to get graphic.
“There’s a big brown birthmark on her knee,” he said.
I peered at the screen, squinting my eyes.
“You don’t have a birth mark there.” He looked away from the phone, meeting my gaze for the first time since I opened the videos.
“No,” I shook my head. “I don’t.”
He set my phone down on the couch between us, the video still playing. “You created all of this, these lies, just so I would leave you.”
My fingers trembled in my lap, too nervous and worked up to even fiddle with the end of my braid.
“You couldn’t just tell me the truth?” Anger twisted his features. “That you wanted more for me?” He smacked his hands against his knees. “That you wanted me to leave Steel for something bigger and better, that you would support me through thick and thin? You couldn’t have just done that?”
“I-I tried Tyler, you wouldn’t hear of it. You just brushed me off whenever I brought it up.”
“Well, if I had known you were this fucking serious about it, maybe I would have. Fuck!” He threw his hands up. “If I had known you were planning to fucking run over my heart with a garbage truck I might have taken you more seriously. But there was no way in hell I thought you would really be okay with me leaving your dad’s business.”
“I tried, I really did.” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Tyler, but I only wanted what was best for you. I wanted you to have a future filled with all the possibilities. I didn’t want to hold you back.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make, not on your own.” His voice rose an octave. “You can’t just go around playing God, acting like some sort of puppet master. Do you understand that? You crushed me as a person.” He paused as if he was uncertain of where to go next. “You were the only thing I was certain of in my life. The only thing I knew, without a doubt, was my love for you. You took that away.”
“But look where you are now, Tyler! You own the best automotive shop in town. Steel can’t even begin to compete with you. You’ve done so much, even in just the little amount of time we’ve been split up. Just think of where you’ll go from here!”
“It doesn’t matter where I am. That was never your decision to make!” he yelled at me.
“I made it because I love you!” I yelled back. I didn’t realize what I said, until the words were already out there, hanging in the air between us. In the silence we stared at each other, our chests heaving, until a new noise diverted our attention. The video of Darren and Julie had ended on my phone, and another one, the next one in my drive had begun to play.
“Hey babe! I’m so excited and nervous to be making this video for you, but I love you and I just, I just, I don’t know if I’m actually going to show you this, but I have to make it, otherwise I’m going to lose my mind.” It was my excited voice on the speaker, my face on the screen from over a year ago. I’d made it the day he’d found out about the fake video of Darren and me. This one, I’d made that morning before heading to school. I could remember it like it was yesterday. I remembered waking up after our date night and the unprotected sex we’d had. I’d let myself have that night, our last night together. I let myself have him, feel him for the last time with no barriers. After all, the barriers hadn’t mattered anymore anyway.
“I probably won’t show this to you, because when you get home tonight, I’m just going to tell you.” I practically bounced with excitement on the screen. I reached out to take the phone off the couch, to stop the sound, the words, the truth, but Tyler slapped my hand away. “I found out a few weeks ago, but it’s real.” I smiled into the camera and held up the test stick with the little pink plus sign on it. “I’m pregnant, babe. We’re having a baby!” I squealed the words so loudly they hurt my ears. I’d changed my mind that morning. I wasn’t going to go through with it. I wasn’t going to end things with Tyler. When I’d originally found out I was pregnant, I’d been heartbroken, because the breakup had already been in the works with Darren and I knew if Tyler found out, he definitely wouldn’t leave me, no matter what. But then I woke up that morning after we’d been together for the first time in forever. The way Tyler’s face had lit up with hope when I asked him to make love to me that night.
“Make love?” The need in his expression, the hope, the love, it had radiated at me, taking my breath away. I hadn’t looked at him – not fully – in months, but I had been looking then, in those moments, and he was everything. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I couldn’t go through with it. I loved him, I couldn’t let him go. I messaged Darren and told him the plan was off, but he didn’t listen, he made sure Tyler saw the video anyway.
“I don’t know how far along I am, but I’m think at least seven weeks.” The little me in the video chewed her lip, still holding the test. “I love you, Tyler, and I can’t wait for you to get home.”
The screen went black and I was back in the present with Tyler sitting just in front of me. He swallowed thickly, as if he had his own lump in his throat. “A baby?” The words slithered from between his lips as if unbidden. He glanced back at the video noting the date – the same as the day we broke up.
I hadn’t meant for him to see this video, to know this part of how fucked up things had gotten. I nodded anyway. “Yes.” He scooted toward me, placing his hand over my belly. Tears welled in my eyes. “I changed my mind at the last minute.” I sucked in a deep breath. “I wasn’t going to go through with it, the breakup, but you were shown the video anyway.”
“But the baby.” He stared down at my stomach for a moment, trying to put the pieces together. I let him. I didn’t want to say it, to speak the words out loud. “Tell me what happened to our baby, Rowan?”
I shook my head back and forth, the warm tears sliding down my cheeks.
“What happened to the baby?” His voice grew louder, eating up the air around us. “Tell me what happened.”
But I didn’t. I couldn’t. I hadn’t told a soul outside of Stacie about those dark days of my life where I truly fell apart – a broken woman. A broken woman who killed her own baby.
“You didn’t.” He shook head, his green eyes piercing mine. He jerked his hand away from my stomach.
But I did. I had. I’d aborted our baby a week after the breakup. Things were over between us, and I couldn’t stand it, to be carrying his baby when he hated me so much. I never intended for him to know. I just wanted it out of me so I could forget, so I could move on and pretend it had never existed.
I took a deep breath. “I did.”
The distress in his gaze broke something apart inside me, something I didn’t know still existed.
“You weren’t going to tell me, were you? Tonight or ever?”
“No.” The word
came out firm. The truth. The truth was out – all of it. Every single piece of the web of lies I had created had become untangled and laid out before Tyler and me.
His left eye twitched, as if he was desperately trying to keep from exploding. He sucked in a breath, his gaze never leaving mine. “You should leave.” He stood up.
I followed suit, standing next to him. “Tyler, I thought it was the only way. I—”
“Get the fuck out of my apartment!” He shouted the words so loudly spittle flew from his mouth, making me jump back.
I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t try to change his mind. I left his apartment and the truth, the real truth about us, about Tyler and me. I left it there, all of it, every single truth, whether I wanted to or not.
It was done.
I laid in my bed. The one in the apartment I used to share with Tyler. His things were all gone now. It was just me, alone with my things. I never realized just how much of the stuff we had belonged to him. What was left was like a June bug shell: brittle, thin, and empty. Like my body.
My body was just a shell now. I had the procedure done today. The abortion. I pressed my hand to my lower abdomen where my insides cramped, where there was no longer a baby. No longer a little piece of Tyler and me. I’d spent the last week after our breakup desperate to terminate the pregnancy, to remove every little piece of Tyler from my life. I was certain that only then would I start to feel better about what I’d done – the pain I’d caused. Without this little piece of Tyler, I could move on with my life, unburdened.
I was wrong. The sheets that had once seemed soft against my fingertips were like cardboard. My mouth tasted like acid, and my heart seemed shriveled in my chest. I waited for relief to overcome me, to overwhelm everything.
It didn’t.
Instead a twisting pain that hadn’t existed before now emerged. I hoped it would go away.
It didn’t.
I didn’t know it then, but it wouldn’t ever fully go away. That little piece of Tyler would always stick with me, a constant reminder of what I’d done, and what I’d given up in the process. There would be days it got better, and others where the loss would overwhelm me, destroy me.
The Truth About Us Page 18
