I snatched him up by his collar, raising him a little before I shoved him into the wall so I could get right in his face. “Listen, motherfucker. I watched this girl cry over you after you fucked up. You lied, you cheated, you were the piece of shit. Don’t come around here disrespecting Viv, or I swear to God you will regret the day you ever met her. I oughta toss your ass down these stairs right now.”
“Carter… let him go.” Viv’s hand covered mine, urging me to release my grip on Darren’s shirt. I noticed then how tightly I had his collar pulled around his neck, my fist jammed against his throat. His face was slightly red, like he was struggling to breathe. “Carter, please. You’re hurting him.”
I released him abruptly, halfway hoping he would lose his balance and actually take the plunge down the stairs that I threatened. Unfortunately, he didn’t, but he didn’t say shit else as he scrambled down the steps two at a time. When he was gone, I turned to Viv, my eyes going immediately to her hands as she rubbed her wrist. An ugly bruise was already forming where he grabbed her, and that sight sent a fresh surge of anger rushing through my chest.
“Are you okay?” I asked, reaching for her, but she pulled away.
“Yes.” She nodded, but her eyes were glossy and wet like she was on the verge of tears. “Um… thank you for intervening. I only opened the door for him without my pepper spray because I thought he was harmless. He has never touched me like that before. He is… I guess he is very upset because I have not been responding to him.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets, desperate to keep them occupied from wanting to touch her. “After the shit he pulled, I don’t know why he expected you to do anything but ignore him. What does he want? Did he did think you were going to take him back?”
She shrugged. “I do not know why he thought it was a possibility, but yes, he did. I told him to get his ass off my doorstep.”
“Wow. Dude is bold as hell thinking he could still have a place in your life. I can’t stand motherfuckers like him.”
“Like him?” Viv asked, crossing her arms over his chest.
I nodded. “Yeah. Men that think it’s okay to play with women’s emotions, to lie, to trick them into thinking a relationship is something it’s not.”
Shaking her head, Viv laughed a little, then turned to enter her apartment. Just before she closed the door, she looked me right in the eyes, and asked, “Carter… do you really think you are any better?”
“I believe we may have scared him,” I said, laughing through my tears as Roman disappeared through the door, looking very disconcerted by the scene he’d walked in on between Simone and me. We were both crying, sitting cross legged on his living room floor, serving ourselves from a buffet of ice cream on his coffee table.
“Nah,” Simone said, balancing her bowl on her leg. “You scared him. He’s used to me being an emotional mess, especially since the pregnancy. You being all… not happy is new for him I think. But… I mean, you’re managing a lot right now emotionally. Are you sure you’re okay? Do you want me to ask Roman to kick Carter’s ass? I asked once already, but I think he thought I was playing.”
I laughed again, wiping my face dry with the back of my hand. “That is not necessary.” Simone rolled her eyes, then took another dramatic spoonful of ice cream. “Seriously,” I said. “I do not even understand why I still needed to come here for this, you know? It’s like… I can’t just ignore the hurt like I want to.”
“Well… Viv, you never gave yourself a chance to really get over what Darren did. You “ignored” the hurt and got wrapped up in Carter. And based on what you told me about your little scandal in France, you did the same thing with Thierry, just came over here and immersed yourself in work, never giving yourself a chance to work through it. So… what you’re feeling now is the result of three broken hearts.”
I heaved a sigh, throwing my head back against the seat of the couch. “So what do I do?”
“What every other woman does, I guess,” Simone said with a shrug. “You hurt. You be a little mean to the person that did it, and you sit on the floor and eat ice cream with your pregnant friend, and then, eventually you move on. You heal. Maybe with the help of a lover, maybe not.”
“So you think I should go on a date?”
“Maybe so.”
I scoffed. “Maybe not. I actually… I don’t know, the last month, even though I’ve been emotional, I’ve actually felt like I could catch my breath…learning to enjoy my own company again, you know?”
Simone smiled. “Yeah. I do.”
A comfortable silence settled between us as we finished our ice cream, then Simone asked, “Have you talked to Carter lately?”
“No,” I answered, ignoring the slight increase in my heart rate. “Not since that little incident two weeks ago where he nearly killed Darren.” I shook my head, wondering where Darren had found the ridiculous amount of nerve required to think that I would take him back. His sob story, about yet another makeup and breakup with his fiancé was compelling, but I had absolutely no interest in him, not anymore. After I made that clear, he decided to get ugly, but then Carter came along. “I am still wondering why he has the idea that what he did to me was somehow better than Darren.”
Simone lifted an eyebrow. “You really think that, Viv?”
“It had the same result, so yes.”
Simone frowned, absently scraping her spoon around her empty bowl.
“I’m guessing you disagree?” She gave me a sheepish smile, but still said nothing. “Simone,” I urged, “Say what you need to say. We are friends. You can tell me if you see this differently.”
“I do,” she nodded. “I mean… I understand that he was sending you mixed signals. I totally, totally get that he hurt you, and trust me, I’ve torn into his ass about that. But he never lied to you Viv. He never treated you like you were second rate, never intentionally used words to cut you, not like Darren did. Darren… that motherfucker is a snake. I just don’t think Carter fits into that category.”
I sucked my teeth. “You say he has never lied, but all those loving words, brushing my hair, rubbing my feet… do you know he went and bought tampons for me once? In retrospect, all of that was a lie. He was doing all of those things to make me think he cared, when truly, he did not. Not in the way he tried to make me believe.”
“That’s not true,” Simone said, lifting a finger. “That, I know for a fact. I know that him hurting you makes it hard to believe, but Carter absolutely cares for you.”
“Then what is the problem?”
Simone sighed, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before she brought her head back down. “Carter… is not who you think you’re gonna get when you look at Carter. Outwardly, he seems like this very put together, very confident guy, right? But… he’s not. Or at least, he doesn’t see it that way. Has he talked to you about his mom, about his family before?”
“A little bit… not too much detail though. I could tell it was a sensitive subject.”
She nodded. “Well, it’s not my story to tell, so I’m not going to tell it, but… I can say that I think Carter has a whole lot of self-doubt that came out of that. Because of it… I think he has a hard time accepting love. He gives it very naturally — you and he have that in common. I mean… even with Roman, after the miscarriage, you know how he was there for him and they were just kind of… homeboys, you know? Not exactly friends, especially when they were rivaling for my attention — which, by the way, was only because you were unavailable. Carter has always had a crush on you. But, anyway, after that, because Carter is just that kind of guy, they became friends. So when you guys came together, these two huge-hearted people, it was like kismet, you know? You and he both shared with me how beautiful it felt. But… you had your doubts that he felt the same, and I don’t think it mattered to Carter if you felt the same or not. It wasn’t even on his radar, he was just happy to have somebody to love on… while trying to convince himself that’s not what was happening.”
&nb
sp; I remained quiet, simply absorbing Simone’s words as she continued.
“And then you, after I told you… begged you not to… you had to go and ask for a definition. Don’t get me wrong… I understand why you needed one, but I knew you were gonna scare the shit out him, and he was gonna be like “whoa, stop the presses.” Now… it’s not that I don’t think he was wrong for getting so involved with you when he had so much uncertainty rolling around, I do. And then the fact that he was so inarticulate about it, and he kept trying to be so close to you, my God… I kinda wanted to stab him in the chest, seriously. Just a shallow wound though, nothing fatal. And in the sake of fairness, I do want to reiterate that sleeping with someone you’re trying to get over is not a smart thing to do.”
I rolled my eyes as she playfully nudged me with her foot, but I knew for a fact that was true. That night, I’d had a few glasses of wine, and I was feeling terribly lonely, and missing Carter so bad. And then there he was at my door. I didn’t invite him in intending to sleep with him, but once we were together, it felt so much like old times that when the urge hit to kiss him.. I did. Because that’s just what was natural between us. There was a moment, standing in my mirror, where I knew it was a mistake, knew we shouldn’t go there again when I wanted something he didn’t… but our eyes met, and no matter what his mouth said… I saw love there.
Afterwards… reality came back.
“But, anyway,” Simone continued, “I’ve already said way too much, but it’s only because I kinda still hope there’s a chance for you guys.”
I shook my head. “I don’t know Simone. I may give my heart easily, but you only have to break it once for me to learn my lesson about you.”
“And I get that, I totally do. Just… maybe keep an open mind.”
Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen.
The strain ripping through my biceps didn’t mean anything to me as I lifted the weight over my chest, lowered, then repeated. Sweat dripping in my eyes, the corrugated metal bar biting into my hands because I forgot my gloves, nothing fucking mattered. Viv thought I was just as bad as fucking Darren, and that didn’t sit well with me at all.
“You’re gonna regret that in two days,” Roman said, entering the weights area from the direction of the locker rooms. He smirked as he passed me, kneeling to adjust the weights on the machine I’d just finished using.
I knew he was right. If I kept it up, I would wake up in two days stiff and sore, barely able to move because I’d overworked my muscles, and I wouldn’t have anybody to blame but myself. I pushed the bar back up onto the rack and sat up, using my tee-shirt to wipe my face.
Roman shook his head as he grabbed the handlebar for his machine, positioning himself in front of it to do bicep curls. “So,” he said, glancing at me as he pulled up the weight. “What’s been going on with you man? You haven’t been around lately, not even at the barbershop. What’s up?”
I shrugged, leaning to grab the bottle of water at my feet. “Nothing man. Just laying low.”
“Mm. Would that have anything to do with a falling out with a certain chocolate shop owner?”
“Maybe… maybe not.”
Roman laughed. “So you mean it definitely does. Carter… dude, what’s your problem? You’re falling apart on me, man. What the fuck did you and Viv do to each other?”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, lifting an eyebrow.
“You’re all moody and shit lately. She’s all moody and shit lately. Right now, Viv is in my living room with Simone, eating up my little girl’s ice cream, and crying and shit, and I heard your name. Simone actually asked me to kick your ass a few weeks ago. So… what did you do?”
I took a swig from my water. “Nothing.”
“Bullshit,” Roman said, finishing his first set of reps. He stepped back, glancing at his watch to time his break. “You forget that I’ve known you for years, Carter. I’ve seen you with women. Heard you talk about women. You and Viv… that was some whole other, next level shit. Never seen you like that with anybody else. So… I ask again… what happened?”
“She wanted something I couldn’t give.”
Roman cocked his head to the side, then huffed as he bent to pick up the handlebar again. “Why not?” he asked, as he began his second round of bicep curls. “I’m assuming she wanted what, a relationship? So why not? You’re about to be 32 years old man, we’re not kids anymore. Why not Viv?”
“Why not anybody?” I tossed my hands into the air in a defeated gesture, then swiped one over my face. “I wasn’t looking for that with anybody. I don’t even have my own shit together, plus I’ve got my little brother up here to worry about. And Viv… damn, man. Viv is fucking amazing, but I can’t go there. Not with her.”
“But you went there, already. From what I could see that was damn near your wife for a good month, month and a half, so what changed? You were cool with the arrangement as long as you didn’t talk about the arrangement?”
I shook my head. “No, it wasn’t that. Like… when I first talked to Viv after she broke up with old boy, it was just about cheering her up, making her smile, making her laugh. But then, we just… we vibed, and I wanted to be around her all the time. Viv is the kind of woman that you don’t mean to get caught up in, but before you know it, you’re stuck, and you can’t pull yourself out. You’re catching feelings when you didn’t even intend to, and then once we slept together… .” I groaned, reaching up to massage the back of my neck. “I was okay with feeling like I did about her. Didn’t mind that at all. But… Viv has had her heart broken, like… ripped out of her chest and stomped type of broken. She told me she was putting her heart on the line, and… I just couldn’t do it anymore.”
“Why not?” Roman asked, cleaning off the handlebar as he finished with the weight machine. “You went after Simone… Why not Viv? You scared of a girl with a broken heart?”
“Hell yes,” I said, chuckling. “Simone… she was — no disrespect intended — easy. And I don’t mean that like I could have easily had sex with her or anything like that, I mean emotionally, Simone was strong. She wasn’t putting up with any bullshit, she wasn’t fractured… she didn’t have the kind of cracks that Viv does. Man… the way I feel about Viv, I… I don’t ever wanna be responsible for the kind of tears I’ve seen her shed because she was hurting. But I ended up doing it anyway, and now… hell, I’m just trying not to make the shit any worse. I don’t want to let her down like that again.”
Roman stared at me, frowning, for a long moment before he shook his head. “Carter…you know… that’s your fucking problem, right there. You’re worried about letting your stepmom and deceased father down, so instead of doing what you wanna do with your life, you run and work in a barbershop when you don’t even like cutting hair. You were worried about letting your little brother down, so you… I don’t know, decided to just not be around. You and Viv catch feelings for each other, and you don’t wanna let her down…. so you break it off with her. You’re doing some pretty disappointing shit for the sake of not disappointing anybody.”
“So what am I supposed to do then?”
“Something else, genius. You’ve never heard that doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity? You’re sick of the barbershop, you wanna work in technology… do it. You want a better relationship with your brother… make it happen. You like Viv, wanna be with her… just do it. It’s not that fucking hard, man.”
Roman gave me a brotherly pat on the shoulder, then went across the room to use a different machine, but I was done. I hit the showers, then left, with his words resonating in my head the entire way home. Maybe I had, without realizing it, become stagnant, stuck in a cycle of non-action. Maybe that’s why being with Viv had been such a breath of fresh air. She was different, and beautiful, and… probably exactly what I needed, and I fucked it up.
That’s what I should have been asking Roman’s advice about. He was the king of getting his girl ba
ck, after all of the ups and downs he had gone through with Simone. Maybe if I took a page out of his book, I could turn things between Viv and me around… but I didn’t know if she was even still willing to trust me like that.
Career-wise… I had no doubts that I could thrive in the tech market. That’s where my passion was, it’s what I did, but the barbershop… that was family. Those were my roots. Before the neighborhood had been cleaned up and turned into the black business mecca that it was now, I would go to the shop after school, back when it was still simply named “pops”, and sweep up hair to earn money to pay for internet access at home. I grew up here, watching my grandfather, then my dad turn this into a spot to not just get your hair cut, but gain a community. That’s what I enjoyed. Not the trip to barbering college at my dad’s insistence, and definitely not cutting hair. I was good at it, sure, but it wasn’t where my heart was.
When I walked into my apartment, Roderick was sitting on my couch, holding a large canvas in front of him and staring at it in awe. “Hey… what’s that?” I asked, taking of my coat to hang on the hook by the door.
“Heaven,” he answered, his face spreading into a euphoric grin.
I narrowed my eyes, stepping around to the back of the couch to look at the front of the canvas.
Motherfucker.
I snatched the print of my favorite picture of Viv, the one with her covered in caramel, from his hands, clutching it against me to hide it from his view. “Where the fuck did you get this man?”
“Delivery man. It was here when I got home.”
“Did it have your name on the packaging?”
He reached up, scratching his eyebrow. “Well… not technically, meaning… no, not at all.”
Didn't Mean To Love You (Serendipitous Love Book 2) Page 14
