I fell backward onto the bed as the truth washed over me.
“You did love me,” I whispered. “Just not the same way I loved you.”
It had taken what felt like a lifetime of being gone, but I finally understood the difference. All of the pieces fit. All of the logic made sense.
Jacob hadn’t fallen for Sadie. He had simply confided in her.
His deepest secret.
And in the end, Sadie’s only crime was that she had kept it for him.
“Please don’t do this,” I begged him, tears streaming down my face. “Please listen.”
But he didn’t hear me. Couldn’t hear me. Because he was too busy finishing his suicide letter.
I’d rather be dead than tell you I’m gay.
So I’ll make it easy for all of us.
CHAPTER 36
always something there to remind me
It was a long way down from Jacob’s roof, but I jumped anyway. Barely even felt the leaves brush by or my ankle twist as I hit the ground.
Sadie’s house. I’ve got to get to Sadie’s house.
I couldn’t pick up enough speed for zooming, so I was stuck hobbling down the street like a little old lady.
What if I can’t reach her? What if she can’t get to him in time?
My head was throbbing. I felt sick to my stomach. Heat lightning crackled through the night sky and I stopped running. When I looked up, I was sure I could almost see a girl’s face hidden in the clouds, watching me.
“What am I supposed to do?” I cried. “I’ve got to save him! Please, help me!”
The lightning flashed again and the face disappeared.
For a second, I turned back toward Jacob’s driveway, thinking of his tears. Then I looked ahead in the general direction of Sadie’s neighborhood, way across town. At least fifteen minutes away, and that was by car. A sense of dread began to creep over me like a slow-moving blanket of fog. I was totally stuck.
No, I was totally screwed. I couldn’t go forward, but I also couldn’t go back.
“Why can’t you be real?” I begged my useless hands. “Why can’t you let me fix this?”
I heard the faintest rustling of leaves as dark vines began to rustle and twist their way up from the street. All of a sudden, Larkin’s voice was everywhere. Her words forced their way down my throat, and locked around my chest like a parasite.
It’s easier than you think.
I touched my necklace, remembering her offer. Finally, I understood why she wanted it. The necklace represented everything I had left of my life back on earth. It stood for the people I had loved most, and the love we had shared.
My salvation.
My throat went numb. I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.
“Don’t be afraid.” Larkin’s face flashed across the sky.
What if this was it? I thought. What if this was my only chance? Maybe I could go back for one more day and get Jacob the help he needed. Maybe I could clean up the mess I’d made and make sure nobody else I cared about had to die as needlessly as me. Maybe this would be one more day to help Jacob see that he wasn’t alone. To help him forgive himself for being complicated, and worthy of being loved.
For being HUMAN.
Larkin had said I could go back. She had said I could relieve another day, no strings attached.
Well, just the one little string.
Carefully, I moved my long hair out of the way and unclasped my necklace. I held it up in front of me and watched as the small golden heart—perfectly imperfect—dangled and spun at the end of the chain.
Could it be true? Could the necklace somehow be linked to my eternal salvation?
I thought of Jacob. Thought of the pain on his face and the tears in his eyes and the words he’d scribbled down so desperately. I took a deep breath and knew what I had to do. “What are best friends for?” I whispered.
When I looked up a moment later, Larkin was standing beside me.
“I hoped you’d come around.” She touched my arm softly. “So,” she said. “Do we have a deal? How much is another day on earth worth to you?”
I knew the answer before she’d even finished her question. There was only one way to bargain your way out of heaven.
And this was it.
“Everything,” I said, handing over my necklace. “It’s worth everything.”
CHAPTER 37
listen to your heart, before you tell him good-bye
It is a terrible business, the trafficking of human souls. The D&G calls it “the Ultimate Unholy.” The worst crime against heaven and earth and humanity and everything in between.
Lucky for me, it was also apparently Larkin’s after-school hobby.
“Which day did you choose?” she asked. Her voice was casual and light, as if we were discussing her hair, or the latest bikini sale at J. Crew.
“None of your business,” I snapped, not caring if I was being rude. I was most definitely NOT in the mood for chitchat.
“Suit yourself.” Her voice sounded sweeter than ever, but there was nothing friendly about the way she pushed up my sleeve. She kneeled down next to me and aimed the pocketknife at my arm.
“Hey!” I cried. “What the hell are you doing? I already gave you the necklace.” I tried to shove her away, but her grip was stronger than I expected.
“Chill out, it won’t hurt,” she said. “Think of this as your initiation into a very cool club.” She pointed proudly to her own tattoo. “See? Now we’ll match.”
My mouth fell open. “I thought you said you got that in Cancun.”
“Did I? Guess my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.”
Larkin was lying. This was so totally going to hurt.
Still, I tried my best to focus on the positive. The Plus Side to our bargain: one more day to breathe again in the waking world. After which, I would completely belong to her.
Talk about a healthy relationship.
“I’ll count back from ten, so you know exactly when to scream,” Larkin said.
“Thanks a lot.”
“Ten,” she began. “Nine. Eight . . .”
It’s worth it, I thought. I’m going to save a life. I’m going to fix what is broken. One more day—to have and to hold—forever and ever amen.
For that, I would be eternally grateful.
I opened my eyes and caught a glimpse of the blade flashing in the moonlight.
“Five . . . Four . . .”
I squeezed my eyes shut and braced myself for pain. But just before I felt the tip of the blade cut into my skin, something else flashed through my mind.
Or, rather, someone.
I thought of his bomber jacket and ridiculously bad jokes. I thought of how angry I had been at him for pushing me off the Golden Gate Bridge, and how it drove me crazy whenever he called me Cheeto. I thought of how he would always refill my Sprite without me having to ask, and how he had carried me back to Slice when I couldn’t make it on my own. I thought of the sound of his voice whenever he called me Angel, and how—whenever I wrapped my arms around him from the backseat of his motorcycle—it felt like I was home.
“One,” Larkin whispered.
Patrick. I’m so sorry.
All of a sudden, something flew straight into my side at a hundred miles per hour, knocking me down the street like a bowling pin. I landed face-first in a ditch, gasping for air and totally covered with mud and grass and weeds. I managed to roll over, and a few seconds later felt Hamloaf furiously licking my face, trying to clean me off.
“Ugh, dog breath.” I pushed him off and rolled my sleeve up to get a good look at my shoulder. Larkin’s blade had only grazed my skin.
A sudden crash distracted me and I jumped up, running toward the sound. About forty feet away, Patrick and Larkin were squared off, facing each other. He had her pocketknife in his hand. And it was pointed right at her throat.
“Your services are no longer required,” he said. “Leave us.”
“She’s mad
e her choice,” she said. “We’ve got a deal. So why don’t you just go back to your stupid little pizzeria and leave us alone already.”
It seemed Larkin really had been listening when I’d told her all about Patrick. Either that or she recognized the leather jacket.
He took a step closer, letting both of us know he was serious.
Please don’t, I begged him softly. I need to do this. It’s for Jacob. I need to go back for Jacob.
“See? She wants to go,” said Larkin. “You should let her. Anyway, just because you couldn’t handle it doesn’t mean she can’t.”
I looked back to Patrick. “What’s she talking about?”
“Keeping secrets, are we?” Larkin said. “That’s not very polite, you know. Why don’t you share with the whole class?”
“Oh screw you,” Patrick shot back. “You don’t own her. Brie’s got better things to do than bring meaning to your pathetic little half-life.”
In that instant, Larkin’s burns seemed to come alive in the glow of the moonlight. “Better things to do like you, you mean?” She crossed her arms. “Listen up, Bon Jovi, I’ve heard all about you. I’ve heard all about your cheesy motorcycle and your absolute crush that she absolutely does not reciprocate. So do yourself a favor and find someone else to drool over, okay? Because this”—she drew a heart in the air with her pointer fingers—“is so not happening.”
Whoa. Mega ouch.
Patrick’s eyes met mine.
Cheesy motorcycle? That’s harsh, Cheez Whiz, way harsh.
I never said that. I swear.
He shook the insult off and turned back to Larkin. “Listen up, Robin, or Blue Jay, or whatever your name is. I’m not letting her do this. It’s as simple as that.”
“It’s done,” Larkin said, glancing over at me. “Come on Brie, tell him.”
“That’s funny,” he said. “’Cause I kind of think you’re wrong.” Patrick dug around in his pocket and pulled out my necklace.
“Hey, that’s mine!” I ran over and grabbed it out of his hands.
“You’re right.” Patrick’s voice had grown tired. “It’s yours. Don’t ever let her have it, Brie. Nothing is worth what you’re about to trade. Nothing.”
“Stay out of this,” I begged him. “Please.”
He pointed the pocketknife back at Larkin’s throat. “Dare me?”
Her eyes darted to me for help, but in that exact moment, I literally wasn’t sure whose side I was on.
“Fine,” Larkin said, sensing my uncertainty. She glared at Patrick. “Just believe me when I say, there is nothing worse in this universe than wanting someone who doesn’t want you back. Hate to say it, Pizza Boy, but your girl’s forgotten you.” She let out a bitter laugh. “So either way, you pretty much lose.”
Your girl? Forgotten you?
“What do you mean?” I said, completely overwhelmed. “Will somebody PLEASE speak English for once?”
“Case in point,” Larkin smirked at Patrick. “Guess you really are as dumb as you look.”
“Stop it!” I said. “Don’t talk to him that way.”
She grabbed me by the shoulders and got so close that for a split second I could feel the heat from the fire that had disfigured her lovely face. “I seriously can’t believe you’d take his side, Brie. I can’t believe you’d defend him over me, after knowing me practically your whole life. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“Larkin—”
“You’re just like everybody else.”
“No. You know that’s not true. Listen—”
“No, you listen,” she said. “You don’t know the first thing about pain or loneliness. But you will. You’ll see what it feels like to have everyone in the whole world forget about you like you were never even there in the first place. You’ll see what it feels like to have nobody.” She started to back away.
No, no, no, no.
I couldn’t let her leave. I needed her to help me get home. If I didn’t, there was no telling what Jacob might do to himself. Or how many more lives would be ruined.
“Here.” I held out my charm necklace in total desperation. “Please take it. I’ll do whatever you want.”
She stared at it for a long moment, then wiped away a single stray tear. “Forget it. You two deserve each other.”
And just like that, she was gone.
No!!
I broke into a run and clawed at the air, trying to catch her vanishing silhouette. But within seconds, there was nothing left of her but smoke.
As if she’d never even been there in the first place.
I sank down to my knees. I was too late. I’d lost my only chance to save him.
To save myself.
“This can’t be happening,” I whispered.
I heard Larkin’s pocketknife clatter to the pavement. “Angel,” Patrick said softly, resting his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
Suddenly, every part of me was on fire. Every particle and atomic memory of skin and blood and tears and bones was seething, burning through my dress. I felt like I might explode into flames and ash and nothingness. Part of me almost wished I would. At least then I wouldn’t have to feel anymore.
God, I was so sick of feeling. So sick of hurting. I just couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t comprehend that Patrick had ruined my one and only chance to make things right. He had ruined everything. More than everything.
I’m sorry, Jacob. I am so, so sorry.
I shoved Patrick’s hand off and got to my feet. “What is your problem? It’s none of your business what I do or don’t do. It’s not up to you how I choose to spend my eternity. I can do whatever I want with it!”
The sleepy ache in my chest had blasted into a searing wall of pain I almost couldn’t withstand. Squeezing, choking the air out of my lungs until I felt like a deflated helium balloon. Soon there’d be nothing left to hold me up.
“I couldn’t let you go.” Patrick lowered his head. “You can’t possibly understand what you were about to do. You can’t see it now, but I swear, you would have regretted it.” His voice was quiet. Full of desperation, and guilt, and an overwhelming sadness.
But I didn’t care.
Let him feel bad. LET him feel guilty! I was so sick-to-my-stomach-pissed-off, I could hardly even look at him.
Maybe I can try again. Maybe it’s not too late. Maybe I can try to apologize to her—
“No!” Patrick grabbed me suddenly and shook me hard. “Is that seriously what you want? To give up the only chance at peace you have left? To be that control freak’s prisoner until the end of time? To beg and plead for death because life as you know it is so unbearable?” His eyes were on fire. “Forgive me, Angel. Forgive me, but I refuse to stand by and watch you choose to spend your eternity in hell.”
I struggled against him, finally breaking free. “Then don’t watch. Then back off.”
“Please try.” He put his hand against my cheek. “Please try to remember. Don’t you see what I’ve given up for you? Don’t you know how long I’ve been waiting? Can’t you feel it?” He locked his eyes on mine a final time, and my throat filled with the taste of burning fuel. I felt the heat of fire and smoke stinging behind my eyes—like being burned alive from the inside out.
“Don’t touch me!” I screamed. “I never asked for your help! Why can’t you just stay out of my life, or afterlife, or whatever the hell this is?” I yanked myself free from his arms. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Brie, don’t—”
“Don’t what?” I got in his face. “What is it you want, Patrick? What is it you really want from me?”
He couldn’t answer.
I shook my head and started to storm off. “Forget it.”
“No.” He grabbed my hand again suddenly. “I . . . I mean, we—”
“We nothing,” I cut him off. “There is YOU and there is ME. And that is all. That is all there will ever be.”
“But, Angel. You don’t understand—”
He looked like I had knocked the wind out of him. “How?” he whispered. “How could you possibly have forgotten so much?”
“I’m not the one who’s forgotten,” I said. “Look at you! You’ve been here so long you don’t even remember what it means to still have people care about you. You’ve forgotten what it means to make someone a promise that you’ll always be there no matter what.”
My voice wavered, but I kept going. “You waste so much time making stupid jokes and thinking about yourself that you’ve completely forgotten that love is about everyone but you. Love is about loving someone else more than you love yourself.” I wiped away an angry tear. “Not that I’d ever expect you to understand.”
He didn’t answer right away. But I could see the effect my words had had on him. The spark had gone out of his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said at last. “I only ever wanted to make things better. I only ever wanted to protect you.”
“Well, I don’t need anyone to protect me,” I snapped. “Especially not you.”
The second the words were out of my mouth, I wished so badly that I could take them all back. I couldn’t believe how cruel I had sounded. The trouble is, sometimes words are like arrows. Once you shoot them, there’s no going back.
I was shocked by how hurtful I had been. But what he said next shocked me even more.
“Don’t you know I love you? Can’t you see I’ve always—”
“Well, I don’t love you. Do you hear me?” I met his eyes and shot the only arrow I had left. “Even if you were the LAST boy left in the whole entire universe, I still wouldn’t choose you.”
The look on his face said he couldn’t tell that I was lying.
“Dulce bellum inexpertis.”
“I’m really not in the mood for your—”
“War is sweet to those who have never fought,” he said. “Not that I’d expect you to understand.”
And then there was nothing left to say.
He stuffed his hands into his pockets. “Thank you for being honest. I’ll stop bothering you now. I’ll stop wasting your time.”
The Catastrophic History of You And Me Page 19
