by Rissa Brahm
Love.
She’d said love and then left him.
His Jamie, his love, was in pain no more—he’d kissed and loved and cherished her to death. Like she’d asked him to.
*
Before leaving Elaine at the hospital to endure the waiting game on her own, Preeya gave Amy’s mother-in-law her cell number and Ben’s just in case the kind woman needed anything. She offered one last comforting embrace—though there’d be no true comfort until the woman’s son was in the clear—then she waved goodbye and entered the elevator.
She took a huge breath in, then let it out in measured spurts of relief. But what relief? Another distraught mother, the second in one week. Not to mention the newfound truth about her own mother—her own mother who’d left.
She felt sick.
A panic attack?
No. No tightness in her chest. Though she was all alone in the elevator and wondered—then stopped wondering—why she didn’t feel panicked.
Anyway, this sick was head-rush-meets-eruptive-gut sick.
Oh God, and it was threatening.
Sliding down the cold metal wall of the hydraulic elevator car, she swallowed and swallowed again to try to control her queasiness. She sank down until her ass met the tile, then she pulled from her purse the water bottle Ben had gotten her at the beach.
Clear liquid, clear mind. Now breathe.
Yes, breathe. Breathe and count and focus.
She took another sip of water, then focused on each floor’s digital number, decreasing with the car’s slow, sleek descent. She matched her breaths in and out with the gleaming red digits and started to feel relief.
*
Ten floors came and went, and by the time the elevator arrived at the main level, her stomach and head and everything in between had somehow settled. Settled and calmed—she’d handled it. She’d handled it on her own.
The elevator doors slid open, delivering her to the lobby. Find Ben. She was sure Ben had escaped down there to make his sudden and strangely timed phone call, or, as she suspected, to take a much-needed breather. He probably’d had enough of hospitals in his recent past, doctor or not.
She turned the corner to find Ben trying to buy a water from the extremely well-lit vending machine.
“Damn it.”
She took a deep breath, still shocked at how that bout of nausea had vanished, then she squinted from the glare of the machine as she approached. “Just give it a little kick,” she said, coming up beside him and demonstrating in real-time. “And voilà.” The machine spat out a small and very overpriced bottle of ice-cold spring water. Huh, in Mexico? But Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
He grabbed it and gave her a faint smile.
“You okay?” she asked.
“I am. Well, now I am,” he said, reaching for her, pulling her into his arms. He squeezed her tight, like he didn’t intend to let her go. “I’m okay now,” he whispered in her ear.
She moved her hand up to his neck, then to his head. “So soft. Velvety now. Are you growing your hair back, because, although I like this,” she said, rubbing his peach fuzz while still wrapped in his embrace, “I like the distinguished and sexy near-bald thing you had going on, too.”
“I’m not sure what I’m doing,” he whispered, still holding her tight. “Let’s go back to your room. To rest…”
“Yes, that sounds good.”
CHAPTER 29
Five days had passed in what he considered to be heaven. In-her-hotel-at-the-bay, Preeya-heaven.
Ben had postponed his departure for one week. He used a few different excuses—Preeya’s fainting episode, Elaine needing added support, and Stacy’s worries—in hopes he could convince Preeya to change her mind about joining him, however dream-like it would be working together, making a difference together—hell, anything together with Preeya was a dream.
The DWB excursions were rough, but nothing Preeya couldn’t handle. She was amazing—resilient, hungry for new things, new people, new adventures, brilliant under pressure. But beyond Stacy’s safety concerns about the vaccine mission, he had his own—apprehensions that neither Preeya nor Stacy knew the half of. Yeah, Central Mexico, the cartel activity, the reports direct from the NGO, were pretty detailed. And he couldn’t, wouldn’t risk Preeya’s well-being. Especially now that he’d found her, his second chance at love this life. Completely unforeseen. Unfathomable, really.
He felt her foot slide up his leg, over his shin as she shifted in her sleep. He tittered, his Preeya-inflicted bruise hardly tender anymore. Practically healed. As was his heart muscle—seemingly healed, or getting there. She’d done that. She’d effected that change in him.
And she’d changed too. She’d played the free-spirit card hot and heavy since he’d met her in the taxi line, but there’d been a thick underlying angst behind it. Now with him, throughout their time in paradise, she’d surrendered a bit…to the real Preeya.
And he was falling for her. Falling fast, falling hard.
Maybe so was she? Falling for him?
He wouldn’t dare jinx it—he shoved the question down deep. For now, he took it as a great sign that she’d taken more time off from the airline to be with him, and she was so impassioned about this expedition, like she needed to go. Since that phone call the night of their pretend honeymoon. He still hadn’t asked and she hadn’t told him what that had been about, but he knew when she was ready, she’d bring it up.
For now, she was just laser-focused on going with him on this trip, while just over a week ago, her life had been a blank slate, pure limbo. Maybe this humanitarian route was her decided path? Relentless and excited, she pressured him every other minute to agree to her coming, and to help her collect the necessary camping gear she’d need. Yeah, she seemed ready to commit to something, to a set future. And although her zeal made it near-impossible to dissuade her from going and therefore, hard as hell to protect her—he now admitted to waiting for fate to help him out and play a card here—he was definitely glad to see her find a passion. A shared passion. He saw that she had so much to offer—too much…to be doing what she had been doing, which in his opinion, was just letting time fly by.
In the meantime, being with her each day and night in Vallarta had been pure bliss. They’d stayed in bed all day one day, then had gone dancing all night. Ben, dancing. Stacy couldn’t believe it. Then out to the best of the best in seafood markets with Stacy and the kids, and zip-lining in the jungle. Beach time, spa time, them time. It had been surreal, really, when just a week ago he’d been in his dismal hell.
The sun leaking through the curtains nudged his eyes open, and when he caught sight of her lying next to him, the sheet across her brilliant breasts, the rest of her free for his absorption, he was too happy for words or thoughts.
They’d been naked in each other’s tangled limbs and parts all night—kissing, caressing, talking about nothing and everything.
And that was all.
And that was perfect. He didn’t even need the release last night, although she’d eyed his arousal, played and stroked and teased him during the hours before they were both too tired to keep awake.
He reached out his arm to touch her flowing black hair. Black as a starless, moonless night—a cool, calming night, though. One with a cleansing breeze. A night where fear, and worry of the unknown had no place. Because she was there with him, and he’d begun to know that with her, a bright next day would come.
He stretched the sleep out of his limbs, both feet on the hotel room floor. He went to the curtains to open them.
Yes, a new day is here.
*
He’d called for room service. The surprise breakfast in bed made her giggle.
“I’ve never had anything like this before.” Her cheeks burned, chest swelled.
“Stick with me, kid…”
“I think I will.” She smiled, and could definitely picture it, more and more every day. “Here, take a bite of this.” She placed a strawberry at his lips—and he s
napped his teeth shut, scaring her three inches off the pillow-top mattress. She laughed and laughed, almost spilling the entire tray of food.
He kissed her hand and got up from the bed—naked and delicious—and strode to grab the newspaper that had just been slipped under the door.
She heard him grunt then scoff as he made his way back to her. “So, Preeya Patel, you really wanna come with me on this thing. This trip through the dangerous jungles of Mexico?”
“You know I do.” She’d go damn it. She’d wear him down once and for all, in the last day she had to do so.
He sat down beside her with the newspaper. And placed it at her side. “Seriously, Preeya, it’s risky. Really risky.” His finger pointed to the top half of the paper. The headline read, Cartel Crosses State Lines, then a photo of Mexican State Patrol clashing with masked gunmen.
Sudden angst lodged in her throat, a shock after so many days of total peace, ease, ecstasy. She swallowed hard, but the stubborn fear stood its ground.
“Puerto Vallarta is a safe haven. Cancun and Cabo, too. They’re off limits to these kinds of things…government alliances.” He placed his hand on her thigh and squeezed. “But I need you to triple-think this.”
Her pulse filled her ears. “Shit, Ben. Maybe you need to triple-think this. Helping people is one thing, but dying in the crossfire isn’t gonna help anyone. I don’t think you should do this.” Her brows furrowed, breathing shallowed. “Let’s maybe…find something else, Ben.”
*
Relief flooded his lungs. Thank God she didn’t need him to argue her into reason. Crazy to think about, but until meeting Preeya, he’d welcomed the danger. The stoic sacrifice. What if he did die in the field? Who would care, beside Stace and the kids? But at least the pain would be over. Like Jamie’s pain was over.
But now this woman, Preeya Patel, had crash-landed into his life and took his breath away in the process. “If you don’t want me to go, then I won’t. We won’t go.”
The relief in her eyes was confirmation enough of her feelings. For him. For them.
God, he was so deep into her.
And now he was ready to tell her. Tell her everything. Unleash his secrets. Let go of his guilt-ridden past. He slid his hand up her cheek then outlined her jawline.
“I want to tell you so much, Preeya.” He swallowed, then forced his gaze deep into hers. “I literally put myself at risk, you know, on these expeditions, because…well, in the back of my mind, after Jamie, I was okay to go. I mean, well, I wanted…to die. I had no reason to live. I mean, I wanted to help people, but I didn’t mind if I died doing it. These trips had become more of a hope for death…until now. Until you.”
She leaned back against the bed and studied him. As if to weigh the magnitude of his words, his declaration, with what was possible. Like no one had ever wanted to live for her? For the amazing spark of light that he knew her to be.
“There’s more, Preeya. I have to tell you more. And I don’t want you to think differently of me. That’s my biggest fear right now.”
“I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that would change my opinion of you.” She placed her hand on his chest. “Tell me. Anything…” She kissed him, a slow feather of a kiss, then leaned away.
He sighed and brushed his thumb down her arm. Stalling.
“Ben, it’s okay.” Her head notched, eyes sweet, patient.
“My guilt, Preeya. I’ve been running away from it, trying to escape it in the far corners of the third world. But it keeps following me. Because the problem is me. But I won’t let it drag me down anymore.”
He moved the food tray off the bed, then took both her hands in his and studied their interwoven fingers while preparing words. The right words. “Preeya, I couldn’t take it anymore, her pain—Jamie’s—watching it devour her. Watching my wife fade into oblivion. In such agony. After the fifty billionth time she’d asked me to help her…end it, I…I just couldn’t say no again. I helped Jamie die, Preeya. I helped my first love leave this earth.” He shook his head hard and slammed his eyes shut to reset himself. “That’s the guilt, the burden, I carry.” He moved his gaze from their interlocked hands to her radiant face, her eyes—now sharp, otherworldly daggers against white fire.
She pulled her hands away and tucked her knees to her chest. And froze there. “How?” She spat the word, a demanding whisper.
He swallowed, not expecting the recoil, her sudden fear. But he’d begun, so he had to finish it. “I gave her the combination of pills. I handed her the water to wash them down. I held her while she fell away.”
Nostrils flaring, she angled her head. “No.” She shifted, her eyes shifted, her breath quick and ramping. “How could you? End a life? Jesus Christ, Ben. Because you couldn’t take the pain?” Her expression showed pure disgust. “You’re not a doctor with a god complex, Ben…you’re a coward. A weak, goddamn coward!” She rolled away from him, out of the bed from the other side, the bedsheet now clutched to her chest, like a barrier to her heart. The heart that was so open to him only seconds before.
He was in shock. Her response sliced him open. His guilt more real now than it ever had been. But more permanent, like concrete. And it weighed as much. He felt the hardening cement in his veins.
“I loved her, Preeya. I did it for her. To see so much suffering in someone you love, someone you cherish?” He moved toward her, but she threatened him with an even harder glare.
“Cherish? In sickness and in health, Ben. Those are the usual vows, right? And you used your medical knowledge to make your life easier…better. That’s what the guilt’s about. You’re a smart guy, Ben, and you damn well knew all along why your guilt was so thick. And then you use me as a damn confessional?”
“Jesus, Preeya. Would you just put yourself in my shoes for a minute?”
“Never! My goddamn mother took that road, the easy fucking road—” But she cut off there. “You’re not worth the words. Just go. Just get the hell out of here.”
“Wait a minute, Preeya…what if your sister met a threshold of pain so horrendous, so—”
“Would I end her life?” She shook her head, contempt oozing from her. “You need to go now, damn it. I mean it, Ben,” she said, reaching for the desk phone.
“Fine. I’ll go, Preeya. I’m leaving. In fact, I’m leaving early, like tomorrow. For the excursion. What the hell was I thinking, choosing…choosing good…sex over good works, over helping people!”
A hard decorative hotel pillow came whizzing past his head. “Fucking asshole!”
He ducked out of the room, crashing the door shut behind him.
CHAPTER 30
He stood in the hallway outside her door, chest and brain ready to explode with fury. And with raw disappointment.
Betrayed. After finally saying the words out loud, she turned around and threw them back at him. Like battery acid, her words fucking burned.
Betrayed. By this woman who he’d found a new, different, stunning connection with.
And she accused him of taking the easy road? Drop out of fucking medical school to become an air hostess? Two damn years of “tea or coffee?” What a goddamn joke.
And her mother left? Okay. Left her and her sister. That’s fucked up, certainly. But hasn’t she followed in her mother’s footsteps just as closely? She video calls or visits her sister once a month? She’s doing the bare minimum there. She has no clue what it takes to be a true caregiver.
Like he had been to Jamie.
Then there’s Preeya’s “evil” father, the superficial greed-monger of a doctor. He works his ass off to pay for a facility like SafeHaven—Ben knew the cost of that place. Preeya’s dad made the tough call, it seemed to him. While Preeya boo-hoos about “Daddy the miser,” when in reality Ben bet that every pretty penny went to the top-notch care for his youngest daughter…and medical school for his oldest, which Preeya had tossed away like yesterday’s trash.
His chest heaved.
Damn it, though. Was it P
reeya’s fault? Really?
If he saw the other side, the abandoned daughter’s side. Had she been the recipient of all the collateral damage? Shoved off by both parents. Maybe in her mind, all adults take the shortcut, especially when it comes to her. Why wouldn’t she do the same in life? And why wouldn’t she lash out at Ben, the one person she pegged as different.
But she had to see that the easy way for him wasn’t the route he’d chosen for Jamie. Yes, it killed him to watch her suffer, but caring for her day after day, that’s what he had chosen for his livelihood, his role and purpose in life—there had been no greater honor than to use his medical knowledge and experience to tend to his wife. His first love. At that time, his only love. He would have gladly cared for Jamie to the end of days.
If her quality of life had been at all bearable for her.
But the tumor, it took over like an oil spill in a clear aqua sea. And that is what he told the medical review board. The truth. That the medical regimen couldn’t keep up, could never keep up with the growth.
But none of that mattered. What Jamie’s parents thought, what the review board said, or what Preeya believed.
Because the day he’d given in—when his wife’s eyelids fell and he could no longer see life in her huge brown eyes, it felt like he had fallen off a tall, jagged cliff.
And he still hadn’t really landed.
Although he thought Preeya had come into his life to catch him.
He was wrong.
CHAPTER 31
Another day in Vallarta would be insane. Pointless.
She should go. See her sister. Face her father. Get at the two-decade lie he’d let her live.
And Aunt Champa. She’d tear her apart for her cruelty. Her crass words. That woman was as bad as her mother, if not worse. At least her mother ran, branding herself a no-good coward. But Champa, she was just a pretender. Acted the loving sister to Preeya’s father, but treated his child like a second-class citizen. Fuck her.
Fuck her twice. To accuse Preeya of selfishness? For not showing up to her father’s wedding? The man had been absent all her life. No one let her in on the big family secret, of how goddamn selfless the man was, yet holding back his love, his attention, his presence. With such a cover-up, where the fuck would they expect her to put the blame?
