by Rissa Brahm
“Geej, I’m here for you, no doubt.” She took Gigi’s hand. “Hey, how have you been sleeping?”
“Haven’t been, but I’ve kept myself busy. I even found a project.”
Preeya’s phone pinged—a text. Maybe Ben? “Let me get this, Geej. Your project, I want to hear more about it in just a second, okay?”
Gigi nodded and grinned. “Second place takes some getting used to, is all,” Gigi teased in an unconvincing tone.
Preeya lifted a brow then waddled around the sofa toward the corner armchair for some privacy. “Hey, I got your favorite cookies yesterday,” she said over her shoulder. “The ones with the mint filling. In the pantry.”
*
Sylvia, not Ben. Checking in, sweetie.
She sighed. This wasn’t like Ben. To leave, vanish. Without a word.
Damn it. Her heart rebounded under her ribs, fast and fierce. Could he be more insensitive? Her chest tightened. Like it used to when alone, even with Gigi in the very next room.
Breathe and just call him.
She hit his speed dial, but hung up the next second. If she tried to speak, she’d burst out sobbing. She’d never told him the entire story about that day, the day her mother left, but he knew the gist. He knew the goddamn gist. Fury filled her airway, and she coughed to clear the knot of rage.
“You okay? Need some water, Pree?” Gigi called from the kitchen.
“No, I’m good, thanks.” She swallowed and inhaled through her nose then cleared her throat again. Text. Send a text and defer the conversation while Gigi’s here. She couldn’t let Gigi in, not on this one. Not on this one.
Where are you?
She hit Send and waited, thumb tap-tapping the screen.
Five beats passed until, Ping.
At the office. Didn’t want to wake you.
She grimaced and heaved a breath. No note? And when will you be back?
Left note on the coffee maker. Will be home for dinner. Let’s talk then ;-)
She let air infiltrate her lungs. Her shoulders eased down as her next breath seeped out. They’ll talk and all will be fine.
*
Preeya returned to the sofa after snagging the note from the kitchen. With the box of chocolate mint cookies ripped open on the coffee table, Gigi beamed from the couch with remnant crumbs at the corner of her upturned mouth. “Cleopatra” had a cookie in one hand while reaching for another. Preeya smiled and winked at her. She was glad her best friend was there with her.
“Good cookies?”
“The best. You’re the best,” Gigi said through a second mouthful, then laughed, crumbs spewing onto Gigi’s lap.
Preeya cracked up, too, then Gigi’s phone bleeped.
Gigi glance at her screen. “Oh my goodness!”
“What? What is it?”
“My dad. He got me a stroller—the super deluxe you told me about. He texted a picture. Look!” Gigi rocked her body to upright but couldn’t bring herself to stand, and since Preeya had already surrendered back into the cushions…. They laughed and Gigi just held the tiny phone screen up in the air to show Preeya from afar.
Preeya squinted. “Well, I remember it, anyway. Awesome, Geej. You can take the baby running around Green Lake.”
“Yes, yes, I can.” Gigi looked pleased, positive. Then her friend’s eyes sank a bit and she took another big bite of cookie. “I’ll have enough extra weight to run off, too.” More crumbs sifted off her mouth.
“Please. Our jobs now are to feed these babies!” Preeya wagged her finger then pointed to a cookie. “Throw me one.” She caught it midair, smiled, then bit. “So…” mouth full, “the project…tell me everything.”
“Oh, yeah!” Gigi sat up straighter on the couch, excited, prepping the buildup Gigi-style. But then she paused and tilted her head with narrowed eyes. “Ben’s still sleeping?”
“Uh, no. He…decided to get work done at the office when he found me so deep asleep.”
Gigi nodded, seemingly relieved. “Oh, okay…well, anyway,” she said, tucking a leg under her, “I started working on a family tree for my little…offspring here.” Gigi rubbed her belly and before Preeya could respond with anything more than a nod and a smile, “And I wanna do yours, too! For my godbaby!”
Preeya blinked and gave Gigi a close-lipped grin. Oh God, would Preeya break her heart when…if she recanted the godmother title. She couldn’t bear to think about it. “Sounds…terrific!”
“Yeah, it’s so fun, Pree, and a great distraction for me. But more importantly, it’ll be great for the kids to know their histories.” Gigi’s face froze with glee—for effect.
“Wow, Geej.” She was excited to see Gigi genuinely pumped about something. “That’s awesome. I love it.”
“I was going to surprise you, but, you know, there’s some information I need…so I can finish the online genealogy questionnaire.”
More information.
Her family.
Preeya licked her bottom lip then smacked both lips together. Her genealogical tree would be half a tree. Her father hated talking or thinking about her mother. And Preeya steered clear of Jenny Patel, too.
“We can do the questionnaire now, on your laptop if you want? Since there’s no crib shopping…”
“Geej.” She looked down at her hands and swallowed. Gigi meant well but, God, she just didn’t want to—
“I know what you’re thinking.” Gigi giggled and slapped her own thigh. “Not like clairvoyant I-know-what-you’re-thinking, of course…but I know…that your mother’s a bad topic. But, you know, confronting your fears…it can only heal, mend. And, Pree, knowing where you come from on both sides, and seeing, factually visualizing, that you are your own individual person…that’s truly cathartic.”
It made sense. But Preeya’s turning stomach disagreed. The logic didn’t matter. The thought, alone, felt bad. She burped and swallowed a flash of hot acid.
“More heartburn? You want some tea?”
“No, Geej. I, uh, I’m just not sure I want to think about my mom, with my mood affecting the baby so directly.” She knew Gigi would understand that—Gigi was the one who taught her those things.
“Right, of course. It’s just…buried deeper, Pree, are more negative memories and associations with your mom. They need to be addressed.”
“You’ve seen something, sensed something? Is something wrong, you know, with—”
“No! No, no. Not at all. It’s just”—Gigi rocked and shifted to her feet, then came over and sat next to Preeya—“I spoke to Ben. The other day when we had that bawling session in the car…and he mentioned…that you’d been having nightmares.”
“I haven’t. I haven’t at all.” She should be happy that her best friend and fiancé were connecting, talking, assumedly about her welfare, but…she wasn’t happy. She felt like an untrusted child.
“Not consciously…in your sleep. He said you scream and yell every night. About your mother.”
Preeya couldn’t catch a breath. She didn’t remember any of her dreams…or rather, supposed nightmares. Why wouldn’t Ben tell her, wake her, mention it?
“I’ll be right back.” Preeya scurried through the kitchen to the powder bath. Unsure if she needed to vomit or cry or just splash ice-cold water on her heated cheeks, but she knew she needed to be alone.
*
Gigi had eaten half the box of chocolate mint rounds by the time Preeya returned from the powder room.
“I think it’s a good idea, Geej.”
“What? What is?”
“Let’s do the family tree. My mother’s side included. I know where she was born and I know her maiden name. That’s about all—I’d never met her parents. Can’t ask my dad because, well…doesn’t matter. Anyway”—she fell into the sofa next to Gigi and took her hand—“I was thinking…I want to dig a little deeper, and maybe with your dad’s help, we can locate her. Find her. I want to find my mom. My dad would hate the idea. But, Geej, I think—and feel—that you’re right. I have
negativity buried and I want to be done with it. For the baby, and for me and for Ben, I want to be done with it, with her.”
CHAPTER 53
She saw the headlights soar up the front curtains. Ben.
Then her phone buzzed in the center of the table. Both Gigi and Preeya could see the message. Gigi’s here?
Preeya smiled at Gigi. “Have some more ice cream, Geej, and give me a few minutes.”
“No, Pree.” Her best friend slammed her last spoonful of ice cream and slid her chair back at the same time. “I’m gonna go.”
She’d insist Gigi stay to chill with her and Ben, but she and Ben wouldn’t be chilling. They’d be clearing the air. Discussing stuff, a lot of stuff. And without a word of explanation, Gigi already seemed to understand. Her friend kissed Preeya on the cheek, collected up the pages of notes they’d taken, and stuffed them in her purse—a little haphazardly, Preeya thought. “Why the rush, Geej? Relax, you really should slow down a bit, like you tell me to.”
Gigi nodded as she brought her empty bowl and spoon to the sink—fast, faster than Preeya’d seen Gigi move since their twentieth week—then moved to the side kitchen door, blew Preeya a last kiss, and left.
She heard the front door bolt flip. The door opened, then shut a moment later. His sigh—a sigh of relief to be home—met her ears, and her chest rushed with pounding heat and soft flutters. Of all the things she’d wanted to say to him that morning, then more from new realizations she’d been hit with throughout the day, the only thing she died to do was hug him. Hold him. Be held by him.
She dropped the kitchen towel she’d wrung in knots and marched out to meet him.
But he was already heading up the stairs. Away from her.
*
Alone, but not by choice this time, not like earlier in the powder room, she got the old chest-squeezing sensation again. Preeya paced and counted and breathed. For what felt like forever. He wasn’t coming back down? His note, and his text, said they’d talk.
What the hell?
Don’t make things bigger than they need to be, Preeya. Remember, he buries things, hates conflict, hates opening up.
And when he had confided in her about Jamie’s death—in Vallarta—she’d exploded at him. Could she blame him now for the avoidance? He had been hurt by her this morning, and hell, the man fled to the third world for more than a year to process his loss, his pain over Jamie.
Just give him space, Pree. A day and a night. And try not to take it personally.
Wait, don’t take it personally?
That’s all it is—personal!
And it had been—she looked at her phone—twenty minutes. She didn’t hear the pipes kicking and creaking, so the shower wasn’t running. Had he…gone to sleep?
That’s it. She tramped up the stairs, huffing the entire way.
*
At the doorway, she caught her breath.
He’d folded down the comforter for her, a neat triangle, and had placed a fluffed pillow for her head and two long body pillows like she liked along the length of her side of the king-size bed.
He lay on his side, snug under the covers, facing away from her. His chest, the blanket, lifted and fell with every deep, soft breath he took.
Officially asleep.
Sweetly asleep and home. In their bed. Only after he’d arranged her pillows for her. She could’ve just melted to the floor then and cried.
Pretending to be a single light feather as she crawled beside him, she fell into the turned-down bed more like an entire bird—an ostrich, maybe. She froze. He stirred, grunted, and shifted an inch away.
Away?
What is this? And what am I doing?
She wanted him awake. She couldn’t take another second without clearing things up, opening up. She needed his heart and arms open to her now, and holding her through the night. She just couldn’t end the day this way.
She reached over with some effort and gripped Ben’s shoulder.
“Ben,” she whispered. “Ben…please wake up. Talk to me.”
He groaned and rolled over to face her, his golden eyes still mostly hidden behind sleep.
“I get it. I understand. Please, I am so sorry, God…” She sighed and scooted closer to him, then pushed her belly up against the small of his back, took his arm, and draped it over her hip and thigh. He inhaled, his eyes closed, nostrils wide, then he sighed and engaged his arm, pulling her into him tighter.
“I should’ve… I should’ve asked you, discussed it with you, the whole Gigi godparent thing. I mean, of course I should’ve. But, then again, I had promised her the day I found out I was pregnant… Then, when you and I got back together, it just didn’t come up. We’ve been so busy, I guess.”
She waited…for Ben to respond. It took him a second to open his eyes. He swallowed; she watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down. A beat, still no words. He just looked at her—no, looked through her. Not from drowsiness, it seemed. His eyes were distant, zoned-out. Resigned.
“Ben…listen, even though I feel strongly about Gigi being the, our baby’s godmother, I know it isn’t solely my decision. It’s our baby, our decision, our lives. And I love you, us. God, so much, Ben.”
The corners of his lips lifted to form a half smile while his gorgeous golden eyes remained glazed over with a glint of hovering doubt.
Couldn’t he see she was trying here?
And that us is a two-way street?
“Ben.” Sick of the silence now, her pulse spiked. “You know, while we’re kind of, not really talking here, you really should’ve told me about the night terrors.”
“Gigi,” he grumbled. His stare shifted to the ceiling.
His first word to her—Gigi? So her best friend told her about the dreams. Like he should have. What the hell is his deal? He still held her tight to him, but God, where the hell had he gone? A fortress stood between them.
“Talk to me, Ben. How long have I been…or, rather, what all did I say? In my sleep?”
He sighed while shaking his head then shifted, and kissed her forehead. “Fucking Gigi.”
“Hey!”
“Preeya…you haven’t had one of your… episodes in nearly a week. I didn’t tell you—and yes, maybe I should have—but I decided not to because you were working through it. You are working through it. The natural course of things, Pree—and time—heals all. I didn’t understand that when Jamie died. Everyone tiptoed, pretended, skirted topics and conversations and events that might trigger things. I hated it. Fucking despised it. But now I see the purpose. There are stages, Pree, and they need to be respected. Your world was turned upside down with the truth about your mom, then the loss of your sister. Add the start of you and me, the baby. Things this deep can’t be rushed—no shortcuts, Preeya. And as for Gigi—she shouldn’t have told you about the nightmares. I told her in confidence.” He huffed and flared his nostrils, as if ready to punch a wall. He closed his eyes. “That was stupid of me.”
“It is my right to know, though, Ben. It’s my—”
His fingers pressed her lips. “The nightmares were your body’s way of working through the trauma. What if I weren’t here during your unconscious night-fits, not lying next to you to hear you screaming, your seven-year-old self wailing away? No one would be there to tell you, anyway. And if you were ready, you’d have had waking thoughts, not REM episodes. But you weren’t ready. And now they’ve stopped, Pree. Like I said, you’re working through a cluster of shit, and doing it naturally. In your time.”
She grimaced, nothing to throw back in her defense. Fine, but…“What about this morning? You think I’m too delicate for you to voice your anger about my choice of Gigi as the baby’s godmother?”
“Yes, Preeya, you’re fragile right now. I don’t want to argue while you’re pregnant and knee-deep with school, on top of the other shit I mentioned.” He blew out a stream of air, then lowered his voice to a whisper. “Getting you upset, stressed—babe, that’s not okay for you, and it’s potent
ially harmful to the baby. Fact. It’s just fact.”
Preeya had heard every word, let each one sink in, but she couldn’t ignore the airy feeling in her stomach, slightly queasy. “Okay, I get it. You didn’t want to argue this morning. You don’t want to set me off. But our relationship, Ben, it needs to be open and honest. We…we have so much ahead of us…and so much behind us…and just so much going on in our present, we can’t dance around things, each other, or…or we’ll lose us in the process. I mean, we’re just getting to know each other, really. And, like I said…yes, I’m learning to think us versus me, but I can’t have you treating me like…like a child with kid gloves. That’s also not us. If you believe in me, then trust I can handle things…life—especially with you by my side.”
“First off, I don’t doubt you, Pree. Physics, biology, the science of the body and birth, those are the variables that concern me. I never doubt your strength. I—” He paused there.
“What, Ben? See? This is what I mean. Just tell me.” She huffed. “Let me in, Ben.”
He squeezed his eyes shut. His head shook, holding something back. Keeping something from her…assumedly something that might just upset her.
*
“Listen, Pree,” he said, then pinched his nose in thought. A beat, then another, flitted by. “Wait a second.” He scooted his body up to a sitting position but then made sure to help her shift with him. He needed to maintain a physical connection with her for this. He’d gone over it all in his mind, God, for so many hours. He’d been at the office to check his mail then escaped to Gas Works Park across town for the rest of the day. A perfect distraction. Another people-watching haven, and the entire scene had helped him to both take his mind off and put his thoughts on his situation. His life. The situation from that morning with Preeya, tiny but enormous at the same time, really had him reeling.
Preeya glared at him, reaching her breaking point, he knew. He brought his hand to her face, sliding a loose strand of her silken black hair behind her ear. “I—”
“Benjamin Trainer, I swear. Here, I’ll start. You can follow my lead on how to talk openly—a new precedent for us, I know.” Said with a not-too-subtle hint of sarcasm. “I won’t even talk about the godparent thing again…that we can put off for a little while.” She sighed. “How’s this, a light topic. I’m”—her eyes got wide, like she hoped to incite anticipation in Ben, but he had trouble finding the energy, the mood—“going to locate my abandoning mother so that I…”
