by BJ Harvey
Fuck, I wish I had a fucking time machine so that I could go back all those months ago and tell her with my first message as nightdancer.
She told me she felt stupid, and that 'poor Kate had to resort to internet dating'. Nothing could be further from the truth, but she wouldn't give me a chance to explain. She just took off out the door, but not until she'd delivered the most crushing blow of all to my heart. She had thought I was the one.
All night I lie in our bed wondering how I'd fucked this up so badly and what in God's name I was going to do to get my girl back. Because I want her back.
I need her back.
By the time the sun comes up, I've barely slept, and I have a full shift ahead of me. I've tried ringing her, but every call is sent to her answering machine. Every text is ignored. It is like she's Antarctica, and I'm a stranded ship without navigation.
FUCK!
I just need a chance to explain. Maybe some space is needed. What if I move back into my old apartment? That will give Kate space to think about things.
Yes. I think that's what I need to do. I grab my phone and call Zach.
“Zach.”
“Zan. What's up?”
“I need my room back.”
“You fucked up already, man?”
“Fuck you.”
“What did you do? Get caught with your pants down?”
“No, asshole. Would you look elsewhere if you had Kate?” The line goes silent. “No, I didn't think so. She found out about the internet dating profile, and that I was the guy she was talking to.”
“You're a fucking moron, dude. I thought you told her. Isn't that why you didn't move back?”
“I didn't move back because we were together and happy. To be honest, I fucking forgot about the stupid website. I haven't logged on for ages. That was until this afternoon at the bar. She borrowed my laptop tonight and must've seen the site in my favorites.”
“You fucked up.”
“Yeah, you think?” I reply deadpan.
“So she kicked you out?”
“Kind of. She told me to be gone when she gets back, then she stormed out. Mac texted me last night. She went to their place. I think it would be better if I give her some space and move out.”
“You sure it won't make things worse?”
“I don't have a clue right now, but she should at least be able to come home without me here stopping her. It's the least I can do.”
“You going to win her back?”
“I fucking hope so. I don't want anyone else. Only her.”
“Well, you need to tell her that. I'm the wrong person, sunshine,” he replies.
“If she'd pick up the damn phone, or answer one of my ten text messages, then I'd tell her.”
“She isn't going to answer, dude. You need to do something big, huge, to make up for this. This is the stuff that relationships are ruined by. You fucked up. You need to own it, then you can move on and make it up to her.”
“All hail the wise one. I've got to go to the station. I'll pack my stuff and dump it in my room on my way. All good?”
“Sure, man. I hope you get this sorted.”
“Me too. More than anything I've ever wanted in my life.”
KATE
I was barely able to talk when I knocked on Mac and Daniel's door last night. I was about to walk away when Daniel answered with a towel wrapped around his waist, and the best case of sex hair I'd ever seen. I started crying again, knowing I'd interrupted their engagement celebration sex.
“I'm…sorry. I'll..g…g…o,” I stuttered, turning and moving toward the elevators.
“Kate! Get your ass in here now,” Daniel's voice bellowed down the hallway. I scurried through the door and took up residence on their couch.
“I'm so sorry. I knew I'd cause trouble by coming here.”
“Kate, you are welcome here anytime. You need Mac, and you need me. We're here for you.”
I started crying again, and Daniel's eyes softened as he turned and yelled toward their bedroom. “Mac, put some clothes on and come out here. Kate needs her best friend.” He walked toward me and sat down. “Whatever he's done, it'll be okay.”
“How did you…? Never mind. I don't think it will be okay,” I'd spit out before burying my face in his chest and bawling my eyes out.
“Kate, if this is payback for earlier, I…” Mac walked into the room and stopped dead in her tracks as I looked up at her, pain written all over my face.
“Shit. Superman, she needs white wine. Stat.”
“That I can do.” With a kiss on my forehead, Daniel got up and headed to the bedroom to get dressed.
Mac sat next to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. My tears wouldn't stop falling. I didn't know how to stop them. Did I want to stop them? I was beyond caring what I looked like right now. My heart was broken. My seemingly perfect relationship had been a lie.
“Babe, what happened?” she asked as Daniel handed me a glass of wine and took a seat opposite us. I hadn't even realized he'd walked back in the room.
“I got home on a real high. You know me, I'm emotional. I cried the whole time Daniel was on his knee in front of you. Well, I kind of jumped Zander when I got home, and all was right with the world. You have your dream guy. I had mine. So when I asked to use his computer, I didn't think anything of it until I saw the Chicago Singles site on his favorites. I couldn't help myself. I opened it, and there was his username saved, all ready to go.”
“It's not a crime to be on a dating site, hon.”
“No, but do you remember that guy I told you about that I was talking to on the internet?”
“Yeah, but you stopped that awhile ago, right?”
“Of course I did. I sent him a message a few months ago after my second date with Zander and said that I'd met someone, and I wanted to see where it was going.”
I looked at Mac, but her face was expressionless. She'd pulled her arm back and was wringing her hands in her lap. Something seemed off. I'd expected her to be more pissed at him. My bulldog best friend should have been all over this like a dog in heat, but she wasn't. She knew my stance on lying, but she'd stayed quiet, looking at the floor as if she'd wanted it to swallow her up.
It was what she didn't say that grabbed my attention. She was too quiet and reserved compared to when I'd first arrived. Her reaction was too controlled.
“Mac, What-”
“Did he get angry at you for snooping or something?” she asked, interrupting me. She was acting really defensive.
“No, not at all. Mac, what aren't you telling me?” I looked her straight in the eyes, shocked when I see her look away. Her body tensed up, and she looked across at Daniel who just shrugged his shoulders, oblivious to her discomfort.
“Mac?” Then it hit me.
I stood up, pointing my finger down at her. “You knew, didn't you? You fucking knew it was him. That's why you were encouraging me to pursue it with nightdancer...and Zander, come to think of it. Oh my fucking god. What the hell? You're supposed to be my best friend!” I wave my hands between us angrily. “We're supposed to tell each other everything. I can't believe you of all people would deceive me.” I grabbed my purse and walked toward the door.
“Kate, wait!” Daniel called out, his voice low. He was angry as well, but as I turned to face him, I saw that it wasn't with me. Mac was still sitting on the couch staring at us in disbelief.
“Stay in the guest room. I don't want you out there by yourself when you're so upset. If you need space, you've got it, but don't go home. You know he won't leave until he sees you again. I hardly know the guy, but from what I saw this afternoon, he's too far gone to let you go without one hell of a fight. Sleep on it. Okay?”
He rubbed his arms up and down my arms and I sighed. Knowing he was right, I turned and started walking toward the guest room.
“I'm so sorry, babe, but you know he loves you. It may not seem like it now, but he does. I've never seen him like this. He's different with y
ou.” I looked up at Mac to see her eyes full of tears. I couldn't trust myself not to say something I'd regret which wouldn't do either of us any good. She's heavily pregnant with twins, and she doesn't need stress, and I was too pissed off and upset to control myself, or my words.
“I'm sorry too.” I said, turning my back to her.
I heard Daniel's raised voice as I slammed the door behind me. I hated that I'd caused trouble for them, but Mac was in the wrong. Whatever her reasons, she was wrong.
I collapsed on the queen sized bed in front of me. I kicked my shoes off and curled into a ball, grabbing a pillow from under my head. I'd let the tears fall. One for every moment I'd thought that Zander was different; that he wasn't like all of the other men in my past. I felt my phone vibrate again and looked to see Zander's name flashing at me. He'd been ringing non-stop since I'd left. He must've known better than to come after me, but the ten missed calls and numerous texts showed that he was worried.
I powered my phone down and threw it on the floor. I didn't care about anything right now.
I fell asleep in the same position, clutching the pillow for dear life.
KATE
When I wake up in the morning, I feel exhausted. I tossed and turned all night. For the first night in three months, I slept alone, and I found myself unconsciously reaching for the man I knew wasn't there, craving the feel of his hard warm body against mine.
My heart aches like never before over the loss of the good man I thought I knew, and the pain of finding out my best friend knew all along and couldn't tell me.
I reach over and grab my phone from the floor. I turn it on and find more missed calls and unanswered texts. I'm past anger at this point. I've skipped the bargaining stage of loss and moved straight into depression. My body feels heavy. I want to stay tucked up in this room forever and forget about the mess waiting for me outside these walls and this apartment.
How can something so right go so horribly wrong in mere minutes? How can I go from an extreme high to such a devastating low?
I read through the texts from Zander, tormenting myself with the hope that he's feeling as bad as I am.
Zan: Baby, you need to let me explain. I'm so sorry. I love you.
Zan: I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to get to know you. You've been with me since that night I put you to bed.
Zan: I only saw your goodbye on that site yesterday. I was going to talk to you about everything at dinner. I love you.
Zan: I'm going to give you space. But I'm not letting you go. I'm gonna fight for you until there is no fight left in me. I love you.
Then my worst fears are realized when I read the text he'd sent me first thing this morning.
Zan: I've hardly slept. I know you're at Mac's because she texted me last night and told me you went there. I miss you like crazy, and couldn't sleep without you here, but I'm moving back into Zach's. It doesn't mean I'm giving up. You just need to let me explain and apologize. I love you more than anything.
He ended every single message telling me he loved me. Is that what a man using his circumstances to his advantage says? If it was only casual sex to him, and a bit of a game, would he ring me twenty five times and send me numerous text messages telling me he needs to explain and that he was going to tell me everything last night anyway?
That message set me off again. He actually listened to me and gave me what I thought I wanted at the time. I was full of anger and hurt beyond belief when I asked him to leave.
What the hell have I done?
I look at the time. He'll be at work by now. He's starting a five day stint. I was looking forward to a week of waking up with him and going to bed together at night. Now all that awaits me is an empty apartment.
Did I overreact? Should I have let him explain? Have I fucked this up by not letting him have his say? I stumble out into the living area to find Daniel sitting at the dining table with a coffee in his hands, reading the newspaper.
“Morning. Where's Mac?”
He looks up and gives me a small smile. “She's having a soak in the tub. She didn't sleep well. It may have something to do with the few harsh words I had for her last night. I think she's feeling a bit worse for wear. She feels really bad for hurting you, Kate.”
I sigh and sit down across from him. “I know. I just didn't expect that from her, you know?”
“I do. Her intentions were good. The execution, not so much.” He shrugs and I can tell he's feeling sorry for me.
“I hope I haven't caused problems between you two. I love you both so much. I couldn't bear it.”
“Kate, nothing will make me love that woman of mine any less. She fucked up, and I made sure she was aware of it, but she'll be back soon. What I want to know is what you are going to do now that you know the whole story.” He leans back and looks at me. This is Daniel acting as a big brother, and to be honest, it's exactly what I need.
“I love him. I can't help it. I don't know if Mac told you about Liam, but he was my ex-boyfriend who kept me as his dirty little secret for six months before I walked in on his impromptu engagement party with his fiancé. Lying has always been my deal breaker. I can probably work through anything else except that.”
“I get that hon, I really do, but he's not one of those guys. From what Mac's told me, he's not the type of guy to fuck around on you. He's a good guy with a good family who would do anything for you.”
“He's all of those things.”
“And are you really willing to throw away a chance at something good with him without giving the guy an opportunity to explain why he did it?”
I stare at Daniel, the silence between us more telling than any words I can say.
“Didn't think so. You're a beautiful, kind, amazing woman who any decent man would give their left nut to be with. Look at what Mac and I went through to get to this point in our relationship. What if he couldn't approach you any other way than on the internet? What if Mac's attempt at matchmaking was more than just wishful thinking? What if your best friend who knows you better than anyone else knew that you and Zander would be good for each other?”
My eyes well with tears as his words sink in. Damn him, he's right.
Right on cue, Mac walks into the room and comes straight up to me, pulling me up for a hug.
“I'm sorry, hon. I really am. I thought you two were made for each other. Him being the big protector, you being the dreamer wanting to be looked after.” She's crying now too. “Damn this leaky eye syndrome. I blame you, Superman.” I bet she's glaring at him over my shoulder.
“Hey, don't bring me into this,” he says, looking at both of us and laughing.
“Now, how about I take you ladies out for breakfast? Then we can give Kate some time to think about what she's going to do.”
“Sounds like a plan, Superman,” I say before I crack up laughing, realizing what I said.
“You're a poet and you didn't even know it,” Mac retorts, giggling while Daniel just looks at the roof and mutters something inaudible.
Until I have to, I'm not going to think about anything beyond my friends and breakfast.
I'm going to give my heart a break.
ZANDER
Twenty-four hours and there has been no word from Kate. No replies to my text messages, no calls. I haven't even heard from Mac. If this is what Hell feels like, then I will never sin again.
I miss her smile, the way she lights up a room whenever I'm near her, the warmth around me when I'm holding her in my arms at night. Fuck, I sound like a girl, but I don't care. I need to get her back. I just need a chance to explain, an opportunity to make this whole mess up to her.
Samantha, who is now my partner, keeps complaining that I'm distracted and a liability. I sort my head out after that and focus on the job, but when I get back to Zach's apartment, it's a different story. I'm so used to coming home to Kate that the apartment seems cold, eerily quiet. My mind keeps wondering what Kate is doing, whether she is okay, and if she is still pissed o
ff at me. The lack of communication has me leaning toward yes.
How can I make it up to her?
Her reaction and her words last night cut me like a knife. I knew the whole nightdancer thing would bite me in the ass. I just kept hoping that she'd give me the chance to explain, but looking back I know nothing would have helped. It was never my intention to carry on talking to her once I moved in, but after our first kiss where I pretty much told her we were going on a date, my curiosity took over, and I wondered where her head was at.
I want to ring Zoe or Mia and get their opinion, but I know that they'd kick my ass for hurting Kate. They fell in love with her over the weekend they visited, and I don't know if I can bear another ear bashing from a female I love right now.
I'm glad Kate went to Mac's. I felt better knowing she is safe. The natural protector in me wants to march over there and bring her back home.
Sunday night I can't control myself. I go to Kate's apartment and knock on the door. I just want to see her, check she is okay. I called out to her, even begged her to answer the door, but she didn't come.
If she needs space I can give her space, just don't expect me to give her too much. I need to show her that I'm sincere; that the internet dating fuck up was only so I could get to know her, get close to her. I need to tell her that I've wanted her since I met her, but I just didn't think I deserved her at that point in time.
She told me that she thought she'd found the one. Well, I need to prove to her that she isn't wrong. I want to be everything she wants and needs me to be, and I'll spend the rest of my life trying to be more than that. I meant what I said to her that night when I denied myself a night with her. She deserves a lifetime of making love.
I'm going to prove that I'm the one to give it to her.
A week has passed with no word from Kate. My daily phone calls are still going unanswered as are my text messages. I'm struggling with the silent treatment. I fully expected her to call me and give me an earful. I'm starting to think I've underestimated how much I've hurt her, so on Monday morning, nine days since I moved out, I grab a moment to call a florist near Kate's salon. I order a single pink rose to be sent to her at work for every day this week. It's a small gesture, but I hope that the cards I've asked to be sent with each delivery will get my message across to her. Slowly but surely I'm determined to show her how I feel.
