by Sarah Wexler
LORD OF THE DANCE
The guy invited me to an Armenian festival, which I assumed was for the food and cultural experience. He never mentioned that it was because he's obsessed with Armenian dancing. So when I showed up and he saw that I walk with a cane, he was obviously put out. I explained that I could dance a bit, just not super enthusiastically all night, but he seemed uninterested. Then he excused himself to the bathroom, from where he texted me that he "wasn't feeling well" and had decided to go home, leaving me an hour from my apartment, alone, at an Armenian festival.
IS HE BENJAMIN BUTTON?
He came from out of town to visit me for the weekend, and things were going well...until he started comparing me to his ex-girlfriend. I didn't measure up, it seemed, as he proceeded to unfavorably compare my shower, my mattress, and even my pubic hair to those of his ex. When I saw his profile on a dating site a few months later, he'd miraculously shaved fifteen years off his age.
A BLONDE WOULD HAVE MORE FUN
We had mutual friends, and he asked me out over IM (I later found out he heard I was easy and wanted to try). We went to dinner, and after sitting in silence through our appetizers, he asked me what my ideal guy is like. I went into a lengthy explanation about qualities, interests, values, etc. Then I asked him what his dream girl is like. He said, "Blonde." I'm a brunette.
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?
We met up to walk around a nearby park. We passed a cell phone on the ground, and he picked it up—I thought he was going to be a good Samaritan and try to return it.
Instead, he put it in his pocket and said, "Awesome. Free phone." As we continued walking, he seemed distracted and like he was bored. At one point, I told him that I'm a bit of a Trekkie and he just flat-out said, "Yeah. I have absolutely no interest in what you're talking about."
MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR
We decided to go out to a nice dinner for our first date, so I dressed up: a dress, high heels. He picked me up in his huge pickup truck, which I struggled to climb into without flashing the street, while he sat in the driver's seat complaining about how long it took me to get in. After dinner, he decided to take me on a driving tour of his hometown, spending an hour in traffic pointing out every single spot of "significance" in his life: his paper route as an eleven- year-old, his tenth grade history teacher's house, etc. We also drove by his mother's house...which was when he told me he actually lived in a camper in her backyard so that he could still have her cook his meals and do his laundry.
I thanked him for dinner but said that I didn't think it was going to work out. He then sent me an angry email every day for two weeks listing all the reasons I was unacceptable to him!
MAYBE IT WAS THE WRONG CAR?
We met online and had emailed for a few weeks, with both of us posting pictures. On the day we decided to meet, it was pouring down rain. He called to say he was outside in the car, so I ran out to meet him. I got in, my hair dripping wet, and said hello. His response: "Sorry, I'm not interested." He unlocked the doors and barely waited for me to get out of the car before he took off.
WAS HE GOING TO GUESS?
He was an interesting enough guy, very well-read. I asked him what his favorite book of all time was, and he said The Celestine Prophecy, because it made him see life differently.
I started to tell him about my favorite book, but before I barely got a syllable out of my mouth, he shushed me.
ANALYZE THIS
I was on a date with a guy who worked as a psychologist, and we had some interesting discussions about people and relationships. At the end of the date, we ran into my ex. The shrink insisted that we all sit down so he could analyze our relationship and why we broke up, which he did for the next forty-five minutes.
NOT A MAMA’S BOY
I'd known him for a few weeks so was excited when he asked me out to a yoga class. But the whole time, he acted weird and awkward, so I asked, "Is something wrong?" He said, "I'm not interested in pursuing this relationship as long as you are living with your mother." He, on the other hand, was currently living in his '76 VW Microbus, which was parked at a local hostel.
FIRST DATE TOPICS TO AVOID: EUGENICS
The dinner date was going well until he began to tell me about his "checklist." He seemed very excited that I met many of his criteria, telling me quite earnestly that he wanted attractive, tall children and would do whatever it took to secure that. I'm 5'9", and he said my height was a plus and he liked that I was slim. I tried to joke that he was making me sound like a brood mare, and he reached across the table, took my hand, and asked if, as the potential mother of his children, I would ever consider plastic surgery.
THE MATCHMAKER
I went out on a blind date with a guy who was hot and fun.
I really liked him, but it was clear that he wasn't as into it. Oh well, it happens sometimes. When he texted me, just five minutes after we parted ways, to say that he had a good time but wasn't feeling it romantically, I thought it was a bit unnecessary—his feelings, or lack thereof, were pretty obvious—but I couldn't begrudge the guy for being honest with me. The next day, he texted me again to tell me that he'd thought it over and realized I might hit it off with his younger brother—would I like his number instead? Insult, meet injury.
THE CAREER COUNSELOR
We bonded over our family lives and senses of humor. He was funny and relaxed—until I mentioned that I work in publishing. He picked up his drink, pushed back his chair, put up his feet, and proceeded to give me a grandfatherly lecture about how books and magazines were going out of business and I likely wouldn't have a job this time next year.
VERY COMPLIMENTARY
I was totally smitten when he started listing the things he liked about me—my smile, my glasses. Then he goes, "The only bad thing is that your fingers are fat."
SPORTY SPICE
I met a guy on my marathon-training team who asked me out to dinner for the next night. I ordered, starting with a Diet Coke. He sneered and looked at me in disbelief, finally sputtering: "But I thought you were a runner!" Um, it's not like I was filling my CamelBak with the stuff. I explained as much, and he retorted that soda was "full of chemical crap" and he "prefers a woman who takes care of her body."
THE POET
He took me to a poetry reading—we were twenty minutes late, because he'd forgotten to print out directions, but that turned out to be fine because the reading went on for another two and a half hours (and there were only three other people in the audience). When it was finally over, I asked if he wanted to get a drink, but he said I didn't look "fully engaged" in the reading. If I wanted to hook up sometime, that was cool, but for a relationship he was really looking for someone who took literature more seriously.
THE ANGRY ATHEIST
Over coffee, he asked me about my religious views, so I explained I was raised Christian and believe in God, although I no longer go to church except on holidays. Before I could even finish, he started to rant about how any smart person would deduce that there is no God. When I tried to change the subject, he asked me what my thoughts were about abortion.
EVERYONE’S A CRITIC
He wasn't exactly perfect—he'd arranged our date via text message, suggested we go to Chili's, and showed up ten minutes late. But within the first five minutes of conversation, he felt superior enough to nitpick everything I said. He insulted my choice of wine ("You might as well order grape juice if you're going to order white."), my eating habits ("You don't eat meat but you do eat fish? That just doesn't make sense."). To top it all off, he even managed to criticize the hospital where I volunteer ("My friend had an awful experience there."). I wanted to tell him I was having an awful experience here.
THE SELF-ESTEEM BUILDER
We started to make out, but I didn't want to go further, so I got up to leave. He followed me to the door and said I was obviously just leaving because I was too insecure to get naked in front of him. I rolled my eyes, so he dissected my entire outfit: "You're wearing hig
h heels, which means you're insecure about your height. And don't even get me started on your padded bra."
THE TROUBLE WITH TWITTER
My date seemed to be sending a lot of text messages while we were at dinner. Annoyed, I asked if it was work-related and if he really needed his phone out the whole time. He said yes, because he was live-blogging our whole date on Twitter, down to what I was wearing and how long it took me to decide what to order.
HOOFING IT
He offered to come "pick me up for dinner." You can imagine my surprise when he showed up at my place on foot (apparently he didn't own a car, a detail he conveniently left out). I'm all for going green, but I was wearing heels, so I wasn't too jazzed about walking a bazillion blocks just to dine at some generic Italian restaurant where he'd made a reservation. Though I never complained, I eventually started to limp, at which point he started to rant about why girls always wear such uncomfortable shoes.
Awful First Dates: Hollywood Dispatch
"I went bowling on a double date...I got excited and I accidentally threw the ball the wrong way— backward. It was so embarrassing. They were like, 'Yeah, she's so uncool.'"
—singer Jessie J
Chapter 10
MR. OUT-TO- DINNER DISASTER
We've already covered how weird guys can get about who pays for dinner, but lots of them screw up the date far before the check comes out. Some of them think it's romantic to order for you— the thing is, when he's known you for ten minutes (not long enough to learn you're a vegetarian) and orders you the veal parmesan, or says you'll be having a martini when you're really more of a red-wine type, the practice just seems antiquated, even arrogant. Other guys ruin their second-date chances with their table manners. We're not asking for Emily Post-level etiquette; in fact, we'd settle for guys who don't make pasta into finger food or insist that belching is a compliment to the chef.
THE DINNER DECIDER
He was forty-five minutes late to the restaurant where we were supposed to meet for dinner. I wouldn't have waited, except that he called every five minutes saying he was only a minute or two away, so I should sit tight. He eventually arrived and while we were waiting for our food, I went to the bathroom. While I was gone, our food had come out. except he'd sent mine back because he decided "it didn't look good." While he sat there and ate, he kept putting big blobs of mashed potatoes on my plate, insisting, "I really want to watch you eat this." Then when the waitress came back and we ordered our second round of drinks, he told her to use less vodka in mine because he didn't want me to get too tipsy and "make a scene." After that, I politely excused myself. He left me so many messages in the next week that I ended up having to change my phone number!
BUT IS HE A DOUBLE DIPPER?
I met this guy for a drink and we decided to share an appetizer of hot spinach-artichoke dip. It came with a handful of pita-bread triangles, and he ate all but one of them, which he so graciously let me have. Since there was so much dip left, I was about to ask the server for more bread, when I saw him grab the bowl of dip and sink his fingers into it. He then ate the entire bowl of dip with his index and middle finger, wiping the bowl clean.
WINGING IT
I had been chatting with a guy online and our attempts to meet kept running into scheduling problems, so I was excited when he texted me one evening that he was at a local bar and I should come by, since I happened to be free. I walk in and spot the guy—he's wearing a fedora and he's up to his elbows in a huge platter of chicken wings. Without even looking up from eating, he offers me some wings. No thanks. I order a glass of water. I stand there for a few minutes while he's hoovering up the wings and ignoring me…then I say, "Um, you know, it's actually kind of late and I'm just gonna go on home." Again, he doesn't even look up but says, "Okay, see ya!" The next day he texted me to say, "I'm so glad we met...want to get together again?"
WE FEAR LEVEL 10
While driving me to dinner, he took three phone calls back to back and ignored me. He kept bragging about how lucky I was he decided to go out with me that night as everyone was dying to have him show up at their clubs and parties. We got to the quiet bistro, and he couldn't seem to get the waiter's attention, so he yelled "YO!" startling everyone, me included. He told the waiter we were ignored because we were black. He pulled the race card on a black waiter! Then he took three more calls over dinner. At the end of the night, I was dying to escape, and he told me again how lucky I was that he'd toned down his ego to a level 3, as he's usually a level 10.
BIKER BOY
On the night of our date, he showed up an hour late to pick me up. When he did show up, he just stayed outside my house on his motorcycle and beeped the horn. I ignored him until he came to the door. We took off on the motorcycle, I thought to dinner, but he ended up driving us around for an hour, at times in the rain. When we eventually stopped, he said, "I worked out today, so I need to eat some chicken. Is there a fried chicken place near your place?" I told him I was vegetarian. Still, he drove us to the fast-food place, bought a whole chicken (I didn't get anything), and then invited himself back to my house. He ate the chicken with his fingers and without a plate. After he finished eating, he walked over to my DVDs, pulled out a movie, and put it on without asking me. I told him I had to get up early, but he didn't seem concerned. After the movie, I thought he'd finally leave, but he put on the TV and watched until 1 a.m.!
I tried several times to get rid of him, saying I was really tired and needed to go to bed. In the end, I had to actually walk over to the door, open it, and say, "Please leave."
SICK...OF YOU
I met a really cute guy at a bar, and we exchanged numbers. After texting for a few days, we made a Saturday night dinner date, and he said he'd pick me up. When I got into his car, I realized how thick my beer goggles must have been. Also, his heat was turned up crazy high. I soon understood why: he was extremely feverish and shivering to the point of his hands shaking. He told me he'd spent the entire day in bed and had taken four extra-strength painkillers (note: he was driving us to the restaurant) before picking me up so he wouldn't have to cancel the date. Kind of sweet, but he was really sick, and when I promised we could reschedule, he refused to take me home and headed on to the restaurant, driving like a crazy person. At dinner, not only did he order my meal without consulting me, but he also sat there shivering with his coat on, watching me eat, because by this time he was feeling too sick and weak to eat anything himself. When he dropped me off, he actually had the gall to ask for a good-night kiss. No, thanks—I don't need your swine flu!
YOU SAY POTAYTO, I SAY POTAHTO
He said he knew a great place we could go for dinner that had amazing steaks and baked potatoes, so I accepted. He picked me up at my apartment and drove about twenty-five minutes. He asked me to close my eyes as we pulled in the parking lot because it was a surprise. When I opened my eyes, we were parked in front of a Wendy's. (I also want to point out there was a Wendy's five minutes from my house, so we drove all the way for nothing.) We went inside and ordered; because he has celiac disease, he can't eat wheat, so he ordered a baked potato and a hamburger with no bun. We sat down to eat and he looked down at his burger patty and said, "Mmmmm...steak."
SHHH!
We decided to meet up at the pizza place for lunch, which was good because I was starving. When we met there, he informed me that he had already eaten, and insisted we head to a local bookstore, over a mile walk. There, we spent the next two hours reading books. In absolute silence. Every time I tried to ask him a question or start a conversation, he'd give a one-word reply and go back to reading. Not that I could hear him, anyway, because my stomach was growling so loudly.
FINE DINING
I asked where he wanted to go to lunch, and he said he had just the place in mind. We were in Manhattan, where there are thousands of cute, inexpensive places to eat, but he was set on walking us to his pick. It was a grocery store, where he enthusiastically recommended the chicken soup from the salad bar.
INDIAN BUMMER
I met him at a friend's party, and he asked me out, saying he wanted to surprise me for dinner. On the way there, he told me we were going for Indian food (I have an irritable stomach, so it's not my favorite, but I planned to just eat some plain naan bread). When we walked in, everyone greeted him ecstatically...because his family owns the restaurant. So on our first date, I had to meet his mom, dad, aunts, cousins, and grandfather. I told them I couldn't eat spicy food, but they kept bringing me dishes and begging me to try them, so I kept nibbling to be polite. Of course, before we could leave, I got terrible stomach cramps and rushed to the bathroom. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, when I came out, his mother handed me a Pepto-Bismol.
