by M. Robinson
A daily blow to my conscience.
I was mentally and physically spent, moving purely on autopilot. If I stopped to rest, I wouldn’t be able to get back up again. Since Adriana was taken, I barely slept more than an hour or two each night. Every second counted in order for her to make it out alive. This wasn’t the first time I was experiencing the loss of a woman in my family. Martinez women died in my world. It was why I sheltered her with every breath in my body. Praying it’d never come to this, knowing in the back of my mind it eventually would.
Fate was vindictive like that.
“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit,” I whispered, gesturing the sign of the cross on my forehead and chest before making my way toward the confessional booth.
In a few strides, I was opening the door and stepping inside the dark wood cabinet. Carefully shutting the door behind me and taking a seat on the bench.
The priest greeted from the shadows, “Good evening, my son,” on the other side of the screen.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been over six decades since my last confession.”
I couldn’t believe I remembered what to say. My sins buried me alive a long time ago. What was even more shocking was I didn’t rupture into flames as soon as I passed the threshold of the cathedral. The devil was an angel once, and maybe that was my saving grace.
“Proceed, my son.”
I scoffed out, “I’m ashamed of who I am and what I’ve stood for since the day I killed for my family. My sister. Amari. Father, I am not a good man. For most of my life, I’ve done nothing right and everything wrong. I was born into a world where I was worth more dead than alive. I’ve done things I’m not proud of, seen things I can’t un-see, caused pain I can’t undo. Right or wrong never mattered until I met my wife. I gave up everything for her.”
“Proceed.”
“The first time I murdered a man, I was fourteen-years-old, and I haven’t stopped since.”
I didn’t need to see the priest’s face to know he was taken back by what I admitted. The truth be told, it was only the beginning.
“By the time I was eighteen, I’d murdered more men than I’d forgiven. Some deserved it, others didn’t. Justice was always brought on by my hand. Forgiveness isn’t part of my world. I can’t even forgive myself for the heinous acts I’ve committed. I belong in Hell, for this life and the next. I’ve tried, Father. For over two decades, I was an honest man. Being a good father and husband was all that mattered to me until my daughter was taken. It was so easy to fall back into what came naturally from the very beginning of my corrupt existence. I was brought into this life to follow in the footsteps of the men before me. Except…” I paused, gathering my memories.
The reality of the man I’d always been.
“I didn’t want to follow orders, so I made sure I didn’t have to. I eliminated the men who tried to cross me and take my place as leader of this depravity. I was the wolf, or I was the sheep, making sure I stayed alpha so people would have to bow at my feet. If they refused, they paid for it with a bullet to their head or their heart. There are no boundaries of what I’m capable of, Father. I’ve killed for the sake of killing. To stay on top. Innocent or guilty, none of that mattered. I have no decency, it was kill or be killed, and I always chose the first one.”
I leaned over, setting my elbows on my knees. The weight of my demons dragging me deeper into perdition.
“I’m eighty years old and I’ve cheated death so many times, I’ve lost count. Until I quickly realized, death would be too kind for the likes of me. Staying alive, living with the lost souls I’ve taken is my punishment for the sins I’ve committed. My Hell is on this earth, Father.”
Lighting crashed above my head, stirring the hair on my arms to stand at attention, and a shiver to course down my spine.
“I have destroyed families without batting an eye. Murdered enemies for merely disrespecting me. I made sure I was feared in order to stay alive, and I’ve watched my son do the same in the last several months. He’s led the pack, exactly like I had for several decades. I’ve prayed on my hands and knees for him to find the peace he needs to live the life he’s leading. Except, God stopped listening to my prayers the day I turned my back on him.”
“God always forgives, son. But it has to begin with you. Go on.”
I didn’t hesitate, revealing the one sin I never regretted, “I murdered my father.”
The silence was deafening, till he finally said, “Continue.”
“I have no remorse for taking his life. You see, he ordered the execution of my mother. Tried to play it off like it was just another consequence of the life we led. It wasn’t. I cursed God the day she died in my arms, while my sister and I watched her take her last breath. Her funeral was in this church, Father. This is the first time I’ve stepped foot inside these walls since.”
The memories of her ceremony sped through my mind. My eyes recalled what happened on the morning of her untimely death. A movie reel on repeat. The sound of bullets lacing her car.
The screams.
The blood.
The silence that followed.
“I hate you! Do you fucking hear me?! I fucking hate you!” I bellowed to the Lord above for taking my mother away from me.
Shaking my head, I shoved away the memories of that day.
“My sister left the city after our mother’s funeral, but not before she told me she was pregnant. She knew the world we were born into, and made me promise if something happened to her, I’d step in and raise her daughter. Six years later, I ordered the murder of another family member. Her husband, my brother-in-law, Michael. I hated him since the first time I met him. I can read people, Father. It’s how I’ve cheated death. He never loved her, she was a prize to him.”
I shut my eyes, thinking of another place and time.
“He was cheating on my sister with my wife’s mother, who later killed herself because of him. I know what it sounds like. I wouldn’t believe it myself if I hadn’t witnessed it all with my own two eyes. Amari was best friends with my wife’s mother, Sophia. At one time, Sophia meant something to me as well, but she was weak. All wrong for me and this life. I don’t think Michael loved either of them. He was nothing but a coward, trying to be a man. The best thing that ever came out of him was my wife. Long story short, he abandoned Sophia when he found out he knocked her up with Lexi. I threatened his life if he didn’t come clean with my sister about his affair and child. Giving him years to tell her the truth. He didn’t…” I shook my head, again inhaling a deep, solid breath.
“So I took matters into my own hands. Following through on my warning, he died in a car accident. Except, my sister and niece were with him. They weren’t supposed to be with him. It was raining, similar to how it is right now,” I scoffed out a breath. “Trust me, Father, the irony isn’t lost on me.”
Another strike of lighting shattered down upon on us, making it feel as though the confessional was trembling with what I was confessing.
“Amari died because of me. To this day, this moment, this exact second…she is my biggest regret of everything I’ve done in all my life. My actions ate me alive from the minute I learned of her death, which once again was brought on by my hand.”
A single tear fell down the side of my face, remembering her lying there no longer full of life, laughter, or love.
No longer full of anything.
“I still remember the day I had to identify her body at the morgue in the hospital, as if it were happening right now. I kissed her forehead, expecting to feel her warmth, her love, her soul, I felt none of those things. She was a freezing cold corpse against my lips. The last words I said to her were, ‘Peace, I leave with you. My peace I give you,’ while I made the sign of the cross over her lifeless body. Before I could fall apart and die right along with her, I left and walked into my niece, Daisy’s hospital room. She was so tiny, so frail, bruises covered her small frame from her face to her legs. There were
machines hooked up everywhere, as she laid unconscious in her hospital bed.” I paused again, needing a second to compose myself.
I’d never shared this with anyone but my wife.
She knew the truth.
My angel.
“The beeping sound of the heart monitor and the rhythmic hissing sound of the ventilator echoed all around me. Filling me with some kind of hope. Sometimes when it’s late at night, I can still hear them. I can still see her looking so small and delicate, holding her favorite blanket. The one I had sent for her first birthday.”
I was a horrible father figure to my niece. I tried to make up for it with her children, however, I couldn’t forgive myself for all the shit I put her through. It didn’t matter how much time went by, how much older she became. I still remembered her like the little girl who wanted me to hug her and tell her everything would be okay.
I refused to lie to her. Instead, I made her think the world was a cruel, cruel place.
Forgive me, Daisy. I just wanted better for you.
“I pulled up a chair beside her hospital bed and took a seat. Taking in her beautiful face that reminded me so much of Amari’s. Reaching for her hand, I lifted it and placed it in my grasp. My hands were so big compared to hers, they swallowed them whole. I bowed my head in shame over Daisy’s broken, bruised, cut up body. Sobbing for the last time in my life. Saying goodbye to my sister was the final farewell to what was left of my heart and soul, Father. I was now hollow inside. It was easier that way. I needed to turn off my humanity. No longer wanting to feel anything because everyone who mattered to me was gone. After that day, there was nothing left of me. I embraced The Devil. I didn’t just make an alliance with him, Father. I became him.”
“Son, God works in mysterious ways. Please continue.”
“I watched over my wife from the moment I learned of her existence. I protected her, cared for her, loved her when I didn’t think it was possible for a man like me to love anyone. She fought for me, and I spent years pushing her away until I couldn’t do it anymore. I faked my death when I was fifty-eight years old to be with her. She was much younger than me, by twenty years. I had my first kid when I was fifty-eight years old. I never wanted to have children, to bring innocent lives into this world. I did it anyway. I faked my death to have a family. To be a father. Everything I didn’t deserve. I took it anyway. I’m a selfish man, Father. My life alone proves that. Up until seven months ago, I hadn’t killed anyone for over twenty-two years. I thought that world was behind me. I thought I’d escaped the purgatory I was born into. I thought the blood on my hands was finally clean of all the souls I owned. I was wrong. So very wrong.”
I shook my head, overwhelmed with all my sins.
“Love saved me, Father, but love condemned my son to the world I fought so unbelievably hard to protect him from. He’s my worst nightmare come to life. I’ve seen myself in him since the first time I held him in my arms. My blood only knows violence, and it was just a matter of time for my genes to kick in. The night my daughter was taken is what started his demise. There was no holding him back, he was old enough to make his own choices. To burn in Hell beside his old man and the ancestors before him. They summoned Cruz, and in the end…I lost the battle for his soul. “Now here I am, Father, wanting to do the right thing.”
“You can, son.”
“These are my sins for which I repent.”
"Our Lord Jesus Christ, who hath left power to his Church to absolve all sinners who truly repent and believe in him, of his great mercy forgive thee thine offenses. And by his authority committed to me, I absolve thee from all thy sins.”
“Amen.”
“Give thanks to the Lord for He is good.”
“His mercy endures forever.”
“Your sins are forgiven. Go in peace, my son.”
“Thanks be to God. For which I am about to commit more sins in the name of my daughter.”
Motioning the sign of the cross, I spoke with conviction of my own execution…
“Even if it costs me my life.”
Chapter 33
—Cruz—
“I’m convinced you’re on a suicide fucking mission. If you thought for even a second I wouldn’t have figured it out, you’ve underestimated me.”
There was something about this fucking prick that rubbed me the wrong way from the moment I saw him at Sienna’s graduation party.
“Did you know who Adriana Martinez was before you participated in her kidnapping? You see…” I leaned forward, placing my elbows on my knees. “I’m trying to understand your thought process. I can’t imagine you didn’t see how your actions wouldn’t bring my retribution. So tell me, Giovanni, where is she?”
We were in my office downtown, having a private conversation. I sat in the armchair while he sat on the couch, instead of being tied to a chair like my usual interrogations. I had to give credit, where credit was due. The man had some brass fucking balls for not showing any fear in my presence. Aware of the fact, I knew the truth and how he played a hand in my sister’s disappearance.
The piece of shit had the audacity to grin. “Your reputation proceeds you, Martinez. Quite the devil you’ve become. In the last seven months, you’ve killed more men than anyone in years, trying to find your sister. I can see why though…she did get taken when you were supposed to be babysitting her. How’s it feel to get promoted to this—” he gestured around the room “—when you were just your father’s bitch prior to her kidnapping.” He narrowed his eyes at me, cocking his head to the side.
Waiting.
I knew what he was trying to do. He was playing the game. It was easy to catch who was lying, who was pretending, who was bluffing, and who was just full of fucking shit. A person’s body language always told me their story.
He was scared, outing himself with the subtle taps of his fingers against his lap. A nervous twitching motion.
“The only bitch I see here is you.”
“I’m just saying…” He shrugged. “That’s quite an accomplishment for someone so young.”
“I’m just saying,” I mocked in a condescending tone. “If I wanted your goddamn opinion, I’d fucking ask for it.”
“I—”
I didn’t give him a chance to reply, grabbing the folder sitting on the coffee table and throwing it on his lap.
“Now here’s a question I need you to answer, before I send my men to your house to slit your girlfriend’s fucking throat. She’s pregnant, right?” I arched an eyebrow. “Two birds with one stone.”
His jaw clenched.
“I’m in a position to destroy your entire life, and I’d be more than happy to pick up the phone and make one call. One fucking call is all it would take to have my men fuck every hole in her body, while I make sure you’re watching. So I’m going to ask you one more fucking time. Where is my sister?”
Tapering his stare, he gave me a smug look. Facial expressions always revealed a lot about a person. The eyes truly were a window to a person’s soul. Energy of any form was communicated through an individual’s gaze. In this line of business, looking for these signs meant survival of the fittest.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
The longer I was around him, the more I learned about him. I smiled, not paying him any mind as I lit a match for my cigar instead. Even sharing the air he breathed was making me sick to my fucking stomach. Taking a few deep puffs, I blew out a couple of smoke rings into the thick atmosphere.
“Was everything planned? Did you know…I mean, you couldn’t find your own goddamn cock if it was in your hand. So let me rephrase, did the men you work for, know my wife would be the perfect distraction to take what was mine?”
“I don’t know why you’re so upset. Look at the reward you’ve reaped. Sienna. Her sweet virginal cunt—”
Not allowing him to speak ill about my wife, I lunged forward and gripped onto his head. Snubbing out the end of my cigar right into his left eye.
“Ah
hhhhh!” he screamed as blood gushed down his cheek and the smell of burning flesh filled the space between us.
I dug it deeper into his skull until I finally stepped back.
“You motherfucker! My eye! My fucking eye!”
“You’re a second away from becoming permanently blind. Now fucking tell me where my sister is!”
“Fuck you!”
I loudly growled, grasping onto his head again, before I struck his other eye.
“Why must you test my hand at your expense, you stupid motherfucker!”
“I don’t know where she is!”
“Lying to me only wastes my fucking time!”
He wilted over, placing his head between his knees. “I can’t see! I can’t fucking see!”
“No shit! You’re about to never breathe again if you don’t start answering my fucking questions!”
Clenching his hands in front of his face, he gasped for air that wasn't available for the taking. I watched with fascinated eyes, not moving an inch to help the son of a bitch.
“Last I heard they took her out of the county. Where did they take her? I need a state, a city, a fucking street! Give me what I want to know before I pick up my fucking phone!”
“No! Leave her out of this!”
“Since you’re so keen on wasting my time, allow me to speed up the process.” I didn’t hesitate, calling one of my men. “Bring me Giovanni’s girlfriend. Now!”
“Okay! Okay!” he surrendered like I expected he would.
As much as I hated using innocent victims, it was part of this cruel world. I used any means necessary, no matter who or what it was. Loved ones were always the highest form of bait or collateral, it was what made this world go around.
“Yes! It was all planned!” he let out, trying to catch his breath. “Except, I don’t know where the fuck she is! All I was ordered to do was get you away from your sister that night at the party. That’s it. I didn’t know they were going to take her. I swear it! Please! I beg you! Call off your men!”
Still on the phone, I snarled, “Who is they?”
