“I wanted to update you on the condition of the girls, Captain Bergman.” I removed my hat and sat down across from him, next to the cold hearth.
“Yes, please. I’ve been so engaged with the organization of the cargo we brought aboard, I haven’t had a moment to check in with you.”
“I wouldn’t expect you to check in, which is why I’m here to give you my report. The younger Sherridan girl, Edwina; I don’t believe she has any sort of contagious illness, but rather is suffering from a severe case of seasickness, which I am tending to. She’s responding slowly, but I expect once she has her feet on land again, she’ll recover completely.”
“Well, there’s good news,” he said. His blue eyes were so clear this evening, and the flames of the candles on the tables reflected in the shine of his amber waves of mane. His hair was down. I was surprised to see it so. It looked freshly washed and combed as well, and from where I sat at only a few feet away, he smelled clean. I was distracted. “Anything else?” he asked, leaning back and resting his forearms on the arms of his chair.
“Two of the girls, a Lorna Merigold and Patience Larrimore, haven’t really spoken much at all. They are but fifteen and have been staying close together. They did request any books we could spare, so I was hoping you may be able to provide them with one or two from your library.”
“I’d be happy to oblige the young ladies, Ivan.”
“Am I keeping you from something?” I asked, feeling as if he was now beyond being formal with me. Regardless of our masquerade, there was an odd and almost eerie air about the room, and I was sensing an awkwardness between us I hadn’t felt before.
“No, not at all. I’ve just finished my supper, as you can see, and we have fair winds and a contented crew. I was only about to take a walk on deck and enjoy the last night of the full moon. Would you care to join me, Ivan?” He rose from his chair and swept his hair back, tying it, and walked past me to the door and opened it.
Immediately, my murderous rage aboard the Belle, burst through the forefront of my thoughts, and I stood and turned to him. “You’re cross with me, aren’t you? You’re cross because I murdered that man last night.”
“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about, Razor,” he said, and closed the door.
“Your face. Your face and the look in your eyes when I killed him; you’ve never seen me that way before. It frightened you, didn’t it?”
“Please, sit down, and let’s discuss this.” He spoke soft and low to me as he walked back towards his chair.
“No, I don’t want to talk about it,” I said. “I’m sorry. I warned you there were things about me, places inside of me that you’d never understand. Hell, I don’t even understand them, but you can’t look at me that way.”
“What way?
“As if I’ve hurt you when I do those things. I won’t do anything to deliberately cause you pain, but when the pain that lingers inside of me lashes out, I can’t stop it. I don’t know how to stop it.” He stopped and turned, looking down at me, only inches from my now blood-red face.
“You didn’t hurt me, little Razor. What you saw in my eyes was pain for you, not pain caused by you. I wanted to take it all away. I don’t try to understand what happens, and now, having witnessed it for the first time, I admit it made my heart ache watching you fly into such a rage. It doesn’t change how much I love you.” He rested his right hand on my cheek, and I closed my eyes.
How could I have doubted him? How could I have been so wrong about what I saw in his eyes? Maybe Ivan was real. Maybe wearing his mask was as good as wearing his armor on the inside of my soul as well. I had stood there, with the man I love offering me comfort from my demons, and then I had flown into his embrace after I’d lost my mind in murder, yet all I could think about now was how wrong it was. I doubted every decision I had made in regards to even becoming a pirate, especially disguising myself as a man in order to accomplish it. I missed my husband desperately, but our open discussion still hadn’t disclosed his distance. His hand upon my cheek felt cool. I reached up and lifted it from my face and placed a light kiss into his palm.
“Oh, little Razor, why do you vex me so? I wish we were making land in Nassau immediately. I need my wife,” he said, kissing my knuckles.
“You feel so far away,” I whispered up at him. His handsome face was only inches away, and yet I couldn’t hold it in my hands or kiss it.
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”
“What if I said I need you and want you more than anything else in the whole world?”
He threw his arms around my waist and picked me up. Then, he flew, still carrying me, to the door and did the unthinkable; he threw the latch. He sat me down, and within moments, he doused every light in the cabin and raced back to me, picking me up again. I didn’t utter a sound. I wanted this desperately, maybe needed it more than that, and I would do nothing to jeopardize this opportunity to feel him inside of me and loving me.
Once his mouth pressed onto mine, I couldn’t let go. We didn’t have time to make love as we always had. This wasn’t about making love, anyway. This was unbridled lust—hard, fast, and boiling over rapidly. He turned me away from him, assaulting my neck with his mouth as he pulled at my breeches and yanked them down fast below my knees, and I shook them away. One of his big hands wrapped around me and pressed hard against my belly, holding me still. The other rose up and covered my mouth as he simultaneously pushed me over his desk and thrust himself inside of me.
I knew instantly why he’d covered my mouth, when the hard, rough pleasure of him ramming into me made me cry out. Once the initial shock of his raw lust splitting me in two passed, the ecstasy of his repeated pounding against my exposed bottom left me breathless and unable to make a sound. Both of his hands clamped down hard on my hips and pulled me back to meet his every thrust.
My climax came hard and fast, and as I felt my body begin to fall limp on the desk, he stopped and flipped me onto my back and continued. “I love you. I love you more than life, and I don’t care who you kill. That will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, change.” He spoke in deep, breathy staccato whispers, matching each word with a thrust, until at last, he collapsed on top of me, and I had to cover his mouth. I remembered what I had thought the last time I left his cabin and how, when he needed me to be his wife, I’d resolved to shed my mask and allow him his pleasure. Yet now, as I lay there beneath him, I realized it was my own desire that unmasked me. In allowing myself to be vulnerable under his love, I was grateful for my own weakness, for once.
Fourteen
UNSEEN THINGS
Edwina was awake. As I lay on the floor on my bed of blankets and wood, I heard her stirring and clambered to my feet. “Well, hello, Edwina. How are you feeling?”
“Where am I? Where is my sister?” she asked, trying to raise her head.
“I’ll go and fetch her for you. You just lie still. You shouldn’t try to get up too quickly. You’ve been sick for quite a while.” I rushed out of the cabin and returned with Irvette in tow.
“Edwina! Oh, thank God you’re awake,” Irvette said, her eyes filling with tears.
“Where are we?” Edwina leaned upon her elbows and peeked through her sleepy eyelids and looked about the room.
“You’re aboard the Lady Jade, lass. We’re taking you girls to Nassau to find you passage for home.” I had sat down and was writing this all in my medical journal. I barely turned back to her as I spoke.
“I need the pot,” I heard her whisper to Irvette.
“Oh, alright,” Irvette said with surprise.
“That’s an excellent sign,” I said, “Proves she’s so much water in her now that it’s spilling over.” I chuckled, retrieving the pot and handing it to Edwina. “I’ll step outside.”
“Wait,” Edwina called out to me. I stopped in the doorway and looked back over my shoulder at her. “Thank you, sir. What is your name?”
“It’s Ivan, madam. Ivan Razor.” I smiled at the
lassie as I left the room and stepped into the passageway. The sounds of cheerful banter and the singing of shanties on deck as the men worked in the morning sun validated the crew’s contentment, and it was good. After everything we’d been through, the satisfaction of our success without so much as a scratch left everyone with a lightened spirit. Rasmus wasn’t a fan of heavy drinking, but these fellows deserved an evening off. The wind was fair as we turned due north to Nassau, and there wasn’t a drop of rain in sight. With the atmosphere of success, I knew there could be some merry-making ahead.
I’d noticed several of our newer crewmen had carried musical instruments aboard. I decided to seek them out in an attempt to have them put together a few tunes for us after dinner. Something as benign as some music and ale should keep morale high and also, hopefully, keep their thoughts away from a cabin full of pretty young lassies. My mind had wandered off, but I was swept back to reality when Irvette opened the door.
“Shall I take this above and empty it, sir?” Irvette asked with her eyes held low.
“You’ll not set foot on that deck until we reach Nassau. I’ll have my man, Fin, dispose of it. I’ll also have him bring down something for Edwina to eat.”
“The potato soup is fine. I’m not entirely certain my stomach could bear anything else.” She lay back again in my hammock and closed her eyes.
“Try not to fret too much. Just another day and a half, and you’ll have your feet and your stomach back on land again,” I said, walking to her side.
“Yes, and then aboard yet another ship back to America. I just don’t know if I’ll survive it, sir.” Her head fell to the side facing away from me. I pitied her, and yet I knew there was no proper life in Nassau for such a young girl, and she would unfortunately be left to suffer yet another voyage.
“Try not to think about that right now. Just rest, and I’ll have your breakfast brought in. Irvette, please stay with your sister. I’ll continue to have all of your meals brought to you until we make land.”
“Where are you going?” Irvette asked.
“I won’t be long. I’m going to look in on the other girls and then have a word with Captain Bergman.”
“He seems like a kind and gentle man—such a contradiction to what I’ve heard of pirate captains. I cannot imagine what led him to this life of piracy,” Irvette said, pulling my desk chair aside her sister and taking a seat.
The way in which we lived and the time that had passed ran by me in a flash, reminding me that, although he was my husband, and I believed I knew him so well, I was still absent of the most of knowledge of his life before we met. I decided there and then that whatever it took, once in Nassau, I’d find the answer to that question.
“Captain Bergman is a complicated man, I agree, but you’ll not meet a better captain, pirate or otherwise.”
The Captain was engaged with Master Green. The door to his cabin was open, so I knocked once and entered. Whatever they were discussing, it didn’t appear to be business, because they were laughing so loudly I had heard them ten feet from the doorway. When I entered, I noticed them seated opposite each other at the table, each finishing a plate of food.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” I said.
“Only the ridiculous tales Alphonse—excuse me, Master Green here has been telling me of some of his experiences while in service to his previous captain, and I use that term loosely. Alphonse, what about the time we found Willy passed out drunk at that table in the Golden Gull, and we relieved him of his purse and tied him to the chair so he wouldn’t get robbed or fall to the floor?” He and Green again burst into laughter, and then he took on a more somber tone and rubbed his brow. “Don’t think any of us will be setting foot in there again. I do believe our welcome was worn out the night I made that mess.”
I stood patiently and waited, without so much as a sigh.
What is it, Razor?” Rasmus asked, leaning back in his seat.
“I just wanted to let you know the sick girl, Edwina, is awake now. She’s still weak, but I believe she’ll be fine once we reach Nassau.” I stood behind Master Green, facing Rasmus as I spoke, and Green neither turned nor acknowledged my presence.
“That’s very good news, isn’t it Alphonse?” Rasmus nodded to Green, and I got the impression he was trying to mend whatever tear there was, real or imaginary, between he and I.
“Yes. Good news indeed, sir,” was his flat reply.
“Well, I was on my way to the galley to prepare their morning meal, so I’ll be going. Good day to you both,” I said with a bow and turned to leave.
“Razor?” Green called to me.
“Yes, Master Green?”
“I want you to know I hold no ill will towards you. I would like for us to put any differences we have had behind us from this day forward.” He turned in his chair and at last met me eye to eye as he spoke.
“Very good, sir. Consider it all forgotten.” I believed Rasmus had made an appeal to Green to say what he did. I was grateful to have one less worry weighing on my mind.
“Well, I shall take my leave, as I have work awaiting my attention,” Green stood and said. “Captain…Mister Razor.” He nodded to us and went on his way.
“Will there be anything else, Razor?” Rasmus asked.
“Master Green was pleasant. I’m pleased. I’d prefer not to be at odds with anyone aboard, especially him.”
“Before our cheerful memories overtook the conversation, we were discussing you. I promised never to keep anything from you, and I’ll not break that promise, even at sea.”
“Oh, so should I be worried about this conversation?”
“Absolutely not. He was telling me of your first meeting, and how you and your cousins dealt with Barclay and his crew. The man actually seemed regretful for his recent actions. However, he has strong convictions against women aboard ships.”
“And yet another of my horror stories for you; it’s a wonder you can sleep at night. I’d better be going,” I said, turning for the door.
“This is a horrible business, but the true horror would have been ye and those girls not surviving that voyage.” Rasmus rose from his seat and walked me the rest of the way to the door. “I know full well what you’re capable of, but it won’t ever stop me from worrying, nor will it stop me from wishing you’d give this up.” I started to speak, but he put his hand up at me to hush. “Don’t say a word. Good day, Razor.”
As I’d suspected, with the magnificent sunset over the Caribbean Sea at the edge of the Earth, came music and merriment on deck. The sky was almost periwinkle with strands and splashes of pink, and, as always, the water below was deep turquoise and tranquil. The crew had completed every chore to perfection. The decks were clean, our load secure, and our fine Lady Jade hadn’t a hair out of place. She glided as if she were crossing a ballroom floor, heading for her lover’s hand for a dance, as the music played all around her. The music, however, wasn’t suited to a ballroom, and her lovers, though light on their feet, were also light in spirit and heavy with ale and rum.
“Come on, Doctor Razor, ye scalawag! Fill yer bloody cup and ‘ave a drink,” that ol’ dirty gunner shouted at me. I was seated on a crate and, thus far, hadn’t partaken in the merriment. I’d chosen to enjoy the sunset instead, although the music was rather good. I found myself tapping my foot as I always did when listening to a bouncy tune.
“Yer better off if I don’t!” I shouted back. “Ye may require my services in the morning!” I smiled at him and rubbed my belly, to which he threw me a disgruntled scowl and then laughed. He wasn’t such a bad sort. None of them were, and it wasn’t that I was surprised, but after everything I’d been through with pirates in Port Royal, I’d expected the worst. The understanding I found that they were just men whose boundaries were skewed, perhaps lacking altogether, left me pleasantly surprised. The lot Rasmus had pulled together, were hard-working, hard-fighting men, whom over the past three months, I’d learned to respect, if not even like. However, had I
not been Ivan, that old gunner would appear to be someone else entirely. All of the sudden, I was sad. Had the man seen me as a woman rather than a man, I knew he’d never offer me a drink…unless I offered something in return.
“Not even a nip, aye?” James said, snapping me out of my head.
“Oh, hello, and no, I don’t think it advisable,” I answered, nodding my head at Rasmus as he stood speaking with Master Green some twenty or so feet away.
“Aha, so Ivan is, in fact, married aboard ship, then?” He chuckled.
“You are a tease, aren’t you Mister Robertson? I do hope you stay on with us for the duration of this odyssey. You know,” I said, perking up now that I had someone sober and reasonable to chat with, “I have three absolutely lovely cousins back in Port Royal. Are you spoken for?” I smiled.
“As a matter of fact, I am not, since you asked. I am, however, not in the market for a wife,” he whispered, leaning over my shoulder as I leaned on the port gunnel.
“You’re not? Well, I’m shocked. A handsome and obviously intelligent man like yourself, not looking for a wife? I thought that was the goal of all young men.” I laughed, too.
“Perhaps someday.” He sighed and leaned over next to me. “To be honest, I grew up, for the most part, fatherless. My father was a navigator and, of course, spent most of my early years at sea. We were well provided for; mother, my sister Kate, and me. But not having a father during those early years made things difficult for my mother.”
“Well, I’m sure she was lonely for him,” I said. “My parents died at sea. My cousins and I were raised by our great-aunt and uncle. We barely knew our own parents so, sad to say, we didn’t miss them.”
“Tragic, Razor, but I’m glad your landing was soft. However, where my poor mother was concerned, it wasn’t the loneliness as much as it was my terrible behavior.” He laughed. “I was a horrid boy. Finally, at twelve, she forced my father to drag me along with him, saying she’d toss me into the street if he didn’t.”
Jaded Tides (The Razor's Adventures Pirate Tales) Page 11
