by S. H. Kolee
“Of course, dear. She’s only dead when she’s on the other side.” She said it so matter-of-factly that it sent chills through my body.
“Do you remember how long ago she died?” I hated to bring up her suicide, but I thought it was important to see how grounded in reality her imaginings were.
Mrs. Brooks looked at me oddly. “Of course, I remember. Don’t you? You’re the one who found her.”
I nodded stiffly. “Yes, I remember. That’s something I’ll never forget.”
Mrs. Brooks’ expression turned sad. “It was such an awful way for her to go. I’m just glad she left a note to say goodbye.”
I froze. There had been no suicide letter. What was she talking about?
“I think you must be mistaken, Mrs. Brooks,” I said gently. “Cassie didn’t leave behind a letter.”
Mrs. Brooks gave me an embarrassed look. “I’m sorry, Madison. I found it in her things that were sent home from school after she died. I never told you about it because it made things too real.” Her face brightened. “That was before I knew she could come back.”
“Do you still have the note?” I told myself there really was no suicide note. There couldn’t be, yet a pit of dread started to grow in my stomach.
Mrs. Brooks nodded towards her dresser. “It’s in my jewelry box. It’s probably time that you read the contents. Go ahead.”
I didn’t realize I was trembling until Logan put a hand on my arm. “Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, his expression worried. “Maybe you should wait.”
I shook my head. I had waited too long as it was. Almost a decade. As I walked to the dresser, I told myself there would probably be no letter in the jewelry box. It was just another one of Mrs. Brooks’ delusions. Yet my hand was shaking when I reached to open the jewelry box.
Nestled in the box was a piece of paper folded in half. I picked it up carefully as if it were a bomb that would explode any second. You could see that the letter had been folded and unfolded many times by how worn the crease was. I hesitated before unfolding the letter. I was afraid that whatever I was about to read would change my life forever. If I were being honest with myself, I was afraid the letter would reveal that I was, indeed, responsible for her death.
I slowly opened it and sucked in my breath when I saw Cassie’s familiar handwriting.
I know this will come as a shock for all of you. First, I want to say how sorry I am. I know I’m taking the easy way out, but there are no other options for me. I want each and every one of you to know that there was nothing you could have done to stop me. You know me. When my mind is made up, no one can change it.
I could fill this letter with boring details of why I’m leaving, but I want to focus on the present, not the past, which I’ll be part of by the time you read this. Instead, I want to tell the most important people in my life how much I love them and how you need to keep on living for me.
Mom—I know this won’t be easy for you. My decision has nothing to do with you or my childhood. I had an amazing life and I couldn’t have asked for a better mother than you. Please don’t let my leaving break you. You and dad are still so much in love. You can have an amazing life together. Before I realized I wouldn’t be here long enough to get married, I used to wish that one day I would have a marriage like the one you two have. I love you, and I always will.
Dad—I know you’re known as the strong one in our family, but I also know how soft your heart is. You had such dreams for my future. Please don’t be disappointed that I won’t be able to fulfill them. Mom is going to need you, and I know you’ll be her rock. I’ll always be your little girl, no matter where I am. Love you always.
Logan—I’m so glad I met you. I always used to wonder what it would feel like to be in love. I was convinced that it couldn’t be as overwhelming as those trashy romance books I used to read made it sound, but the reality of my feelings for you made those stories pale in comparison. I know we talked about a future together, but I also know it would have never panned out, and we both know why. I’ll be happy for you, no matter where your path leads you.
Maddie—My soul sister. I can’t put into words how much your friendship has meant to me. It was because of you that I stayed here much longer than I planned. You always said I was the bold and daring one, but you give yourself too little credit. You were fierce and strong in your own quiet way. I know it’ll be hard for you to be the one to find me, but I also know that, out of everyone, you’ll be the one able to handle it. We grew up together, and we thought we would grow old together. I’m so sorry I won’t be here to share life’s milestones with you. Please always believe in yourself. And please believe that I’ll always love you, no matter what. Just choose to be happy and everything will have been worth it.
It’s important to me that no one feels any guilt. When I close my eyes for the last time, it’ll be with a sigh of relief. No more pain and no more worries. I love you all.
Goodbye.
Tears fell from my eyes, dropping onto the piece of paper. I stared at the teardrops that had blurred some of the letters as my stomach churned in protest. What did this letter mean? It explained nothing, and with its cryptic statements, I had no idea if Cassie knew Logan and I had been cheating.
“I cried the first time I read it too, Madison,” Mrs. Brooks said reassuringly. “It didn’t shed any light on why she killed herself, but now I know it doesn’t matter. Maybe she knew before she died that she would come back.”
Mrs. Brooks’ words made the dam break and my sobs were unleashed. I sank to the floor, the letter clutched to my chest as my body was wracked with anguished cries. She was wrong. Cassie would never come back. I would never know why she took her own life. She had written that everything would have been worth it if I chose to be happy. Did that mean she knew about the cheating and was forgiving me? She had written to Logan that they both knew they wouldn’t have a future together and that she would be happy for him no matter what path he chose. Was she referencing him choosing to be with me?
It was too much to take. I felt like I had just seen a ghost by reading Cassie’s letter. A letter that brought up more questions than it answered.
I felt hands on my shoulders and I looked up to find Logan above me. He didn’t say a word. He just picked me up and carried me to an armchair and sat down, cradling me in his arms.
My sobs continued and he just held me, whispering soothing nonsense and stroking my back. It seemed like an eternity before the last sob left my body and I finally calmed down. I looked over at Mrs. Brooks to see what her reaction was to Logan holding me while I cried. Instead of looking upset, she smiled at me.
“I know it’s hard, Madison, but you’ll feel better once you see her again.”
I shuddered at her comment. As much as I cared about Mrs. Brooks, her conviction that Cassie came to visit her scared me and I wanted to get away from this house. I thought about Mr. Brooks sitting alone downstairs. As much as I wanted to flee, I couldn’t leave him alone to deal with this all by himself.
“Should we go?” Logan asked, seeming to have read my mind.
I shook my head. “No, I’m all right.” I glanced at Cassie’s mother. “Is it okay if Logan reads the letter?”
“Of course. Part of it is addressed to him.”
I handed the letter to Logan and watched him read it. Even though it probably wouldn’t mean much to him since he didn’t remember Cassie, I felt as though he deserved to read it since part of it was written to him.
His expression was unreadable as he scanned the letter. When he was done, he folded it back up and handed it to me.
“What do you think about it?” Mrs. Brooks asked eagerly, as if the suicide note was some short story she wanted an opinion on.
Logan studied her for a moment before answering. “I think it’s written by someone who’s scared to face the future, and so she decided it would be better not to have one.”
Mrs. Brooks face fell and her expression turned angry.
“Cassie does have a future.” She laughed but the sound was ugly. “You all think you knew her, but no one knew her like me. She would never have ended her life if she didn’t know there was a way to come back. You’ll see tonight.”
I got chills from her words, even though I knew it was her sickness speaking. The door opened and Mr. Brooks walked in, his gaze dropping to the piece of paper in my hand. His eyes shot to his wife.
“You showed them?” he asked, sounding surprised. “I thought you didn’t want anyone to see Cassie’s letter.”
The corners of Mrs. Brooks mouth turned down. “I thought they had a right to read it since she wrote parts of it to them.” Her expression turned sour. “I wish I hadn’t. Logan had the gall to say Cassie sounded like she was afraid of the future.”
She looked at her husband expectantly, as if she was waiting for him to admonish Logan for his comment, but he merely looked away from his wife.
“Why don’t you two go downstairs,” he said to me. “I need to talk to Judith.”
I put the letter back in the jewelry box and followed Logan out. It was a relief to leave the room. We went back to the living room and sat down. Logan put his arm around me, and I stiffened. His presence had been a huge comfort to me here. Instead of throwing his opinions around and insisting he knew how to handle Mrs. Brooks, he had been a silent and steady support. But that didn’t erase everything that had happened between us. I had lapsed back into our old patterns because I was so stressed and worried about Mrs. Brooks, but I needed to snap out of it before I became too comfortable.
I stood up so that Logan’s arm fell away and faced him.
“I appreciate you bringing me here, and I appreciate you staying to make sure I’m okay, but I think it’s best if you leave now.”
Logan frowned. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. From the sounds of it, Cassie’s mother is probably going to have some kind of breakdown tonight when her daughter doesn’t show up. I can help.”
“Help do what?” I asked in frustration. “None of us knows what to do. Cassie’s mother is more far-gone than ever. I think the only choice Mr. Brooks has is to commit her.”
“I agree, but I can help by being here for you.”
I scowled. “In case you forgot, we’re not exactly on the best of terms. The last time I saw you, you were trying to beat Mack up. Before that, you were screwing Kristina.”
Logan’s jaw tightened. “What you think happened between Kristina and I didn’t happen. I didn’t sleep with her. Hell, I went to bed alone that night and the next thing I know she’s next to me naked and you’re about to commit murder.” His mouth twisted. “Not that I blame you. But you have to believe me, Maddie. I didn’t cheat on you. I swear.”
I wanted to believe him so badly. I wanted to believe he wouldn’t betray me. But was I desperate enough to believe his lies?
“How the hell did she get into your apartment? Even if I did believe she somehow snuck into your apartment to stage a scene, how would she know that I wouldn’t be spending the night there?”
Logan’s fists clenched. “I don’t know. After you left, she wouldn’t admit to anything. All she kept saying was that we were meant to be together and now there was nothing to keep us apart.” He stood up, towering over me. A muscle jumped in his jaw. “You didn’t waste any time running into Mack’s arms. What’s going on between you two?”
I laughed incredulously. The nerve of his accusations was almost funny. “Are you kidding me? You’re questioning my relationship with Mack after what I walked into in your bedroom?” When Logan’s expression remained thunderous, I made a sound of frustration. “Nothing is going on between us! We’re just friends. Maybe your own unfaithfulness is making you suspect something between Mack and me.”
Before Logan could respond, Mr. Brooks came back downstairs. He seemed oblivious to our fighting and sat down heavily on the couch. He looked up at us, his face a mask of despair.
“There’s nothing else I can do for her,” he said, his voice hoarse. “I thought I could make her better if I took care of her, and just loved her enough.” The anguish on his face was heartbreaking. “I’m going to make the call tomorrow to have her committed.”
I sat down next to him, and tentatively put my hand on his shoulder as he sobbed. Mr. Brooks had always been kind to me growing up, but he wasn’t the most demonstrative person, the exception being with his wife and daughter. I didn’t feel comfortable doing anything else, like hugging him, but he didn’t even seem to notice my hand on his shoulder as he shook with despair.
After a few minutes, he looked up, his eyes red-rimmed. “Will you stay the night? I think it’ll be easier if you’re here when they come tomorrow.”
I wanted to refuse. I knew it was irrational, but Mrs. Brooks’ insistence that Cassie was coming tonight scared me. But I owed it to both of them to stay.
“Of course. I brought an overnight bag because I had a feeling this was going to be complicated.” I looked at Logan. “I’ll figure out my ride tomorrow. Thanks for bringing me. You can go now.”
Logan had an implacable look on his face. “I’m staying, too,” he said with a look that dared me to object. I should have, but I didn’t. I was too tired to argue any further. If Logan wanted to stay, there was nothing I could do to stop him. It wasn’t my house. If I were being honest with myself, despite everything that had happened between us, his presence was still a comfort.
Mr. Brooks took us to the guest room with the assumption that we would be staying together. I didn’t bother saying anything, since I figured Logan could just sleep on the couch downstairs.
Mr. Brooks ordered a pizza for dinner, but no one ate much. We spent the rest of the evening sitting in front of the TV, although we were all lost in our own thoughts. After a while, Mr. Brooks said he was going to bed early and left to go upstairs.
“I think I’m going to head to bed, too,” I announced, standing up from the couch.
Logan turned off the TV and stood up. “I think that’s a good idea.”
I looked at him skeptically. “You don’t actually think we’re going to sleep in the same bed tonight, do you?”
“Where am I supposed to sleep then?”
I pointed to the couch. “That looks pretty comfortable. I’ll get you a blanket and pillow from the guest room.”
Logan didn’t look too happy. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone. We don’t know what could happen tonight.”
I got goose bumps from his words, but I masked it with a look of derision. “You don’t actually believe we’re going to be visited by a ghost tonight, do you?” I scoffed. The minute I said the words, I regretted it. It was irrational but I felt like if I said it out loud, it would somehow come true.
“Of course not,” Logan said. “But we don’t know what Cassie’s mother is capable of.”
“Mrs. Brooks would never hurt anyone,” I balked. “She may be sick but she’s not dangerous.”
“She’s not the same woman you grew up with,” Logan said gently. “I just think it’s better to be safe than sorry.”
“I can’t stop you from spending the night here, since this isn’t my house,” I said firmly, “but I can stop you from thinking you can dictate sleeping with me. I’ll be fine.”
Logan looked like he wanted to argue, but I shot daggers at him and he sighed, finally acquiescing. I got him a pillow and blanket from upstairs and left him to make up the couch.
Even though I was as familiar with the Brooks’ home as my own, I had never spent the night in the guest room since I had always slept with Cassie in her room when I stayed over. The guest room was across the hall from Cassie’s old room, and I was relieved that her door was closed. I knew what I would find on the other side. Her room was exactly the way she had left it, as if it were waiting for her to return.
I turned off the lights and climbed into bed, but I was afraid to close my eyes. A part of me regretted not letting Logan stay up here with me. The house sou
nded too quiet, and despite it not being very late, the night was pitch black. The sound of my own breathing seemed loud, and I couldn’t help being afraid that it would mask any other sounds that would warn me of another presence.
I told myself I was being silly and forced myself to close my eyes. Despite my anxiety, the turmoil of the day had taken its toll on me and I drifted off to sleep.
Chapter Eighteen
I awoke abruptly, a gasp dying on my lips. I held my breath, unsure of what had roused me from my sleep. There was nothing but silence, and I wondered if maybe a bad dream that I couldn’t remember had woken me up with such a feeling of fright.
I breathed in slowly and steadily, willing my pulse to slow down. I felt myself starting to calm down when I heard it. A loud scraping noise that sounded like it was coming from the hallway. My adrenaline kicked in and I strained to hear the noise again. When it sounded again, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my chest. Everything in me was screaming to stay in bed and just hope that whatever was making that sound would go away, but I knew I would never be able to rest without knowing who, or what, was making that noise.
I slowly got out of bed and crept to the door, holding my breath as I turned the knob and slowly opened the bedroom door. I didn’t know what I expected to see, but the hallway, illuminated by one small lamp, was empty.
I heard the scraping noise again, and realized that it was coming from the room across from me. Cassie’s room.
Scared wasn’t sufficient to describe what I was feeling. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack as I opened my door wider and silently stepped into the hallway. I didn’t believe it was Cassie making that noise, but I needed to know for sure. And I would never know the truth unless I had the guts to open her bedroom door.
I put my hand on the knob and took a deep breath. I twisted the knob and opened the door, my heart in my throat. I gasped when I saw the scene in front of me.
Mrs. Brooks was standing in front of a full-length mirror in the corner of Cassie’s room. She was wearing Cassie’s old sweatshirt from the University of Michigan over her nightgown. She whirled around when she saw me in the reflection, a garish smile on her face.
