“What’s going to happen now?” Jesse asked Sean.
“The FBI will talk to Carson. Decide if they have enough to arrest him. There’ll be a trial. Your mom will be questioned about how much she knew. You may be questioned.”
“My mom didn’t know anything. She wouldn’t have let me go if she did.”
Maybe, maybe not. Maybe she was willfully blind to the truth.
“Carson isn’t all bad,” Jesse said.
“No one is all bad.” That wasn’t true. Sean had promised never to lie to Jesse, and he’d just lied. “Well, there are some people who are mostly bad, but let me tell you something. When Carson recognized me last night, the first thing he thought about was you. He was worried about you.”
“But you weren’t going to hurt me.”
“No, never. But he didn’t know what the plan was, and he knew that whatever it was it would be dangerous. And he didn’t know if I was there to take you away from your mother.”
“Would you?”
“I thought about it for half a minute.” Sean stared at Jesse. He hadn’t been there for him. Through no fault of his own, he hadn’t been there. But would he have made a good father? He didn’t know. “Look, right or wrong, your mother did what she did and we can’t change that. But she loves you. She was there for you every day since you were born. I wouldn’t take you away from her. Okay? Don’t worry about what’s going to happen.”
“I can’t help it.”
“I get that. But you can’t affect it. It’s going to happen, good or bad, based on the courts and the FBI and lawyers and everyone except you and me. But we’re good, Jesse, I hope. I want—I want to get to know you. Is that okay?”
“Yeah. I want that, too.” He bit his lip. “Can I call my mom? Let her know I’m okay?”
“I already sent her a message, but yeah, it’s safe to call now.”
Sean wanted to take Jesse back to Madison and then go to Lucy. He had an uneasy feeling that something was very wrong.
* * *
Two hours later, Sean knocked on Madison’s hotel room. She opened the door.
Madison looked like a wreck. She threw her arms around Jesse and began to cry. “Oh my God, oh my God, Jesse, are you okay?” She held him at arm’s length, brushed the hair away from his face, then hugged him again.
“I’m okay, Mom. Mom, I can’t breathe.”
“You can’t breathe? Do you need a doctor?”
“You’re squeezing me.”
She let go. But she couldn’t stop touching him. His face. His hair.
“You’re okay.” She took a deep breath. Then she turned to Sean and slapped him. “I told you not to go!”
Sean stared at her and controlled his anger. “Don’t.”
“I told you they were okay. You put my son’s life in danger!”
Sean stepped into the hotel room. Kane was outside the door. He gave Sean a look of confidence before Sean closed the door.
“Jesse was in a house owned by a crime family.”
“There’s no proof of that. You’re making it up to make me look bad.”
“You? No. Carson? Yes. The FBI has plenty on him. He’s not getting out of this.”
“No. You did this, somehow. When I came to you, you found a way to discredit me…” As she spoke she realized how idiotic she sounded, so Sean didn’t say a word.
“How could this have happened?” she said, wiping tears from her face.
“Carson wanted to give you everything you wanted,” Jesse said.
Madison stared at her son as if he were a stranger. “What? You mean your father.”
“He’s not my father,” Jesse said.
Madison turned to Sean. “You promised you wouldn’t tell him!”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Carson raised you, Jesse. He loves you. He loves us. He wanted us.”
“Mom, he’s a criminal. He launders money for the drug cartels.”
“You can’t believe what Sean tells you. He’ll say anything to hurt me. I’m sorry, Jesse, but Sean and I were very young when we met. He was wild, he’d been expelled from Stanford and was almost put in prison for computer hacking! I didn’t want you around that. I wanted to protect you.”
Sean wanted to hit her. How dare she bring that up—here, now. Like this.
“There are two sides to every story,” Sean said, his voice low. He caught Madison’s eye. She was in full panic. She was afraid of losing everything, of losing her son.
Jesse said, “Mom, stop. Sean didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.”
Madison looked like she was going to faint. Or puke. Or both. Sean still had no sympathy for her.
“Honey, this is just mixed up in your head. I’m sure there’s a logical explanation for everything, and when Carson gets here, he’ll explain.”
“They arrested him at the airport.”
“What? No!” She grabbed her purse. “I have to go see him. Come on, Jesse.”
“I don’t want to go. I don’t want to see him right now.”
“I’ll stay with him,” Sean said. He didn’t want to stay. He wanted to go home and see Lucy. But he could bring Jesse with him. “He can come home with me.”
“No way. Absolutely not.”
“Why not, Mom?”
“Because! He’s not your father!”
Jesse looked from Sean to his mom. “But—what?”
“Madison!” Sean snapped. “Tell him the truth. Now, or dammit, I will get a paternity test and prove it.”
“I mean to say, he’s your biological father, but he didn’t raise you.”
“Because you didn’t tell him about me. Right, Mom? You kept it a secret.”
“I—” She was going to lie again, Sean could see it in her eyes. “We were young. He wasn’t ready to be a father.”
“That might have been the case then,” Sean said, “but I’m not a teenager anymore. And you didn’t give me a chance to prove myself to you, or to Jesse.”
“We’ll talk about this later. I need to see my husband.”
Jesse sat down on the bed. “I’m not going.”
Sean didn’t want to see Jesse start taking this whole thing out on his mother—no matter how much she deserved it. He said to Madison, “It’s been a long couple of days. And the FBI isn’t going to let you see Carson, not yet. My advice? Find him a good lawyer.”
“He already has one.”
“Maybe find him a lawyer who doesn’t also work for the drug cartels. They’re known to eat their own when threatened.”
She paled, and Sean felt guilty for being so blunt. But the truth was, Madison had to grow up and face the music. Her husband was a money launderer for some very nasty people. He was going to prison. There was no way around it.
“I’ll find him a lawyer,” she said.
Sean turned to Jesse. “I’ll see you later.”
Jesse ran over and hugged him. He whispered, “I was really scared the whole time.”
Sean’s heart tightened. “You know what?” he whispered back. “So was I.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
It was Thursday afternoon before Sean made it home. He walked into his house and Lucy was there, in the living room, curled up on the couch. His heart quickened.
He was home. He was truly home.
She sat up when he closed the door. She looked so exhausted. For the first time, Sean didn’t know anything about what had happened on a case of hers. He had known it was a bad one, and he knew now that they’d solved it and stopped a black-market baby ring, but it was clear from the way Lucy looked that she’d gone through hell and back.
And he hadn’t been here.
He practically ran over to her, kissed her, hugged her. She felt so good, so right here in his arms.
“I missed you so much,” he said. He buried his face in her hair. Her neck. He kissed her over and over.
She kissed him back lightly, then sat down again. He sat next to her, grabbing her hands. He never want
ed to let her go.
“Our cases intersected,” Lucy said.
“Yes. But Carson Spade is in custody and Jesse is back with his mother. And you found the missing sisters. It’s over.” He kissed her. “Can we talk about it tomorrow? I just want to think of nothing but us. You. Me. A hot shower.” He kissed her again.
She wasn’t kissing him back.
“Lucy, what’s wrong?”
“I saw Jesse’s photo.”
He blinked.
She continued. “I wish you had told me, Sean.”
“That Jesse is my son.”
She nodded.
That was when Sean saw what was underneath Lucy’s exhaustion. She was blank. Cool. She was assessing him. How he responded mattered.
“I didn’t know about him.”
“I know. Not until Madison told you.”
“Right. And I couldn’t just tell you over the phone. I wanted to, but I needed to be here with you. She never told me she was pregnant. She never told Jesse that I was his father. It was … a shock. But that doesn’t change anything, not for us. We’ll work through it.”
She extracted her hands from his and stood up.
“It’s not Jesse. It’s not that you have a son. You lied to me, Sean.”
“What?”
“Just now. You lied to me. I wanted—needed—to hear you tell me why you didn’t explain everything on Monday before you left. You knew Monday, when Madison came here and told you everything. And yet … You didn’t tell me. So I’ve been thinking and trying to figure out why you kept that from me, why you went to Mexico to rescue your son without even explaining to me the real reason you took the job. Nothing I thought of made sense. But I love you, and I knew you would have a good reason that I would understand.
“And then you lied to me.”
“I didn’t. That’s not what I meant!”
“You did. Why didn’t you tell me when you had the chance?”
He stared at her. This could not be happening. Lucy was emotionless. It was like she already had walked out on him. His chest tightened. “I—there wasn’t a good time. You had a tough case, an abandoned infant, missing girls, and I didn’t want you to worry about me. I had Kane—”
“Kane and everyone else knew. Everyone.” Now there was a flash of anger. Anger was good, right? That meant she still loved him. That she cared. “Kane knew. Jack knew. JT Caruso knew. Rick Stockton knew. They knew because they needed to know, because they were all part of this extraction in one way or the other. But not me. I didn’t need to know, did I?”
“Lucy—”
“I love you, Sean, and this has been the hardest three days of my life. Your attempt to once again protect me by keeping information from me hurts more than anything. It comes down to trust. I trust you explicitly. But you don’t trust me.”
“That’s nonsense! Lucy—”
“Is it nonsense? Because if you trusted me—my emotions, my ability to compartmentalize, my sanity—then you would have told me the truth and we would have worked through it. But you kept it from me because somewhere deep inside you think that I’m fragile. That I need protecting from, what, life? That lying to me, keeping secrets from me, is your way of loving me. That’s not love, Sean. It’s pity.”
“God no, Lucy, you’re wrong.” This was not happening. Lucy couldn’t be thinking like this. Sean began to panic.
“I was once broken. I know what it’s like to be in a million pieces. But I’m not broken anymore. I’m no longer fragile. You gave me hope. You gave me back the piece of me I was missing before I met you. You told me once that we were stronger together.”
“We are.”
“You don’t believe it. Because you don’t trust me to not break again under the weight of life. Life is cruel, Sean. It’s dark. It’s violent. Innocent people die and we can’t save them all. You were my light, my hope, my sanctuary.”
“I still am. Lucy, please don’t—we need to talk, we need to sleep, we need—” He couldn’t talk. The room was spinning. It was whirling away and Lucy was going with it.
“I need time, Sean. I have to think. I don’t know who I am without you. I have to find out. One thing I know, I’m not the broken girl I once was. I’m not going to be lied to or treated with kid gloves. I’m tired of telling people that I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m not falling apart because life becomes messy or the case I’m working is brutal.”
Sean couldn’t stop the tears. He did not cry, he never cried, but the tears flowed. “Don’t leave me.”
He saw the tears in Lucy’s eyes, and there was hope.
“Forgive me, Lucy. I love you so much.”
“I love you, Sean.” Her voice cracked. “I need time. I need—just—I’m going to pack a bag. I need to go away.”
“No. No! You can’t!” He grabbed her by the arms. “Don’t walk out, we have to fix this!”
“It can’t be fixed overnight.” She pulled away from him and walked up the stairs.
He started after her, then stopped, sat on the bottom step.
Lucy was leaving him. And it was all his fault.
* * *
Lucy closed the bedroom door and collapsed against the wall. She put her head on her knees and forced herself to breathe.
Walking away from Sean had been a lot harder than she thought. She focused on the lie he told—a lie she still didn’t understand. She wished she understood what he’d been thinking.
She loved him. He loved her. Why would he not tell her the truth? And then … lie about it? Lie that he didn’t have a chance to tell her? That’s what bothered her the most.
She didn’t want to leave, but she needed time and space. Distance. She had a key and the security codes to Jack’s house in Hidalgo. No … she couldn’t do that. She couldn’t leave work for a few days, and she was in no condition to drive anywhere today.
The security panel beeped. She looked up—Sean had left the house.
What was she supposed to do? Forgive him? Just like that? She wanted to, desperately, but there was that doubt in the back of her mind that he would do it all again. That his regret was only that she’d figured out he knew about Jesse before he left.
Time. Time and distance and then maybe they could find a way to pick up the pieces.
Or not. Because right now, she didn’t know if she could forgive … because she didn’t know how Sean thought of her.
She was too tired to think, too tired to do anything, really, but she had to leave before he came back. Tomorrow maybe there would be perspective. She’d get a hotel room. Noah already told her not to come in tomorrow morning. She’d sleep … if she could. Go to work. Bury herself in her job. It would save her.
It would have to.
She went down the hall to the storage closet and pulled out her travel suitcase. She packed up enough clothes for the weekend, a couple of work outfits, her toiletries. The faster she got out, the faster she could figure out what to do about … everything.
It was after six by the time Lucy walked down the stairs with her bag. She couldn’t bear to look at her house … it might be the last time she saw it. She didn’t want to leave.
She had to.
She went down the hall to the kitchen. Considered leaving Sean a note as to where she’d be, but he might not respect her wish for time. Maybe it would be better if he didn’t know where she was.
His laptop case and overnight bag were on the floor by the garage door. She picked them up and put them on the breakfast nook table.
She needed to leave him a note. Brief. Something like, We’ll talk tomorrow. Though she didn’t know what she could say. She’d said it all.
She grabbed a notepad that was next to the house phone and searched for a pen. She unzipped the side of Sean’s laptop case and felt inside for a pen. Attached to the clip was a folded piece of paper with her name on it.
Slowly, she opened it. It was dated Wednesday. Yesterday.
Dearest Lucy ~
In case everything goes sid
eways tonight, I need you to know that I loved you with a passion and joy that knows no bounds.
Lucy sat down. He went into the rescue thinking he might die.
You are everything to me. My beginning and my ending. You have made me a better person, a better man, a better brother, a better friend. You are my strength. I see in you a glow that humbles me, and always makes me want to do better.
I’m gone now, but you’re not. You have an amazing life ahead of you. You have family and friends who love you. But more than that, you have you. You are stronger than you know; you are braver than you think. You have always told me that I am the light in your darkness; princess, you are my light. You are my life.
You’re going to learn that Jesse Spade is my son. I didn’t know until Monday when Madison told me; I wanted to tell you, I don’t know what stopped me. I think … deep down … that you would think I was a lesser person. That I should have known that I had a son. That I should have talked to my ex-girlfriend, figured it out. But I didn’t know, and I hate that I didn’t know.
And I think in the back of my mind, I knew you had a tough case. I didn’t want you to worry about me. Or be thinking that this was anything but a normal rescue situation. I wanted you to focus 100% on your case. I wanted you to find the lost girls. Distractions can mess with our heads, they can lead to mistakes—I should know. I have made many mistakes.
None of this means anything anymore. The only thing that matters is that you know I loved you with every cell in my body. That now that I’m gone, I want you to live and love again. You deserve it.
Yours now and always,
Sean
Lucy didn’t realize she was crying until her tears hit the paper.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Sean didn’t want to see Dean Hooper or Noah Armstrong tonight, but they’d both left urgent messages for him that he had been ignoring all afternoon.
He was on autopilot. Lucy was leaving him, and he didn’t know how to make it right. He didn’t know what to do. She loved him … but she was walking away.
When he finally checked his messages, he knew he had to go into FBI headquarters. He didn’t want to leave the house … would Lucy be there when he returned? But what could he do? There was a lot of fallout from what happened in Mexico. Some things he needed to clean up himself. And he didn’t know what else he could say to Lucy.
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