by Rinna Ford
I sighed. My mind was jumping to conclusions. I’d think on it some more when I had a full night’s sleep. I got myself a glass of water and took it back into my room.
My phone buzzed with a text as I slipped under the covers. It was Tessa. I looked at the clock on my phone. It was after 1:00 am, but of course she would be up. She didn’t go to bed before 2:00 if she didn’t have class or work the next morning.
I needed to take my mind off of my mom and gush about my date. I needed someone to be excited with me about Brogan. And Tessa seemed to always know when I needed to talk about a guy. It was a gift of hers and something I loved about her.
Tessa: Hey roomie!
Tessa: How was the concert?
Me: Amazing! The band was awesome. I even danced a slow song with Brogan. Perfect night!
Tessa: Oooo Someone’s in love...
Me: So much
Me: How am I going to let him go, T?
Tessa: IDK, babe.
We chatted for a little bit longer about guys and plans for my birthday that was almost two weeks away. She was planning on coming to Savannah for the weekend of my birthday. She had all of these grand plans, but I knew that I wouldn’t want to do any of them. He would be gone by then and my heart would be broken. We kept texting until my eyes had trouble staying open. We said goodnight and I passed out, phone still in my hand.
The next week went by in a blur. Between work at the shop, classwork, and sneaking around to see Brogan, I was exhausted. Mom and Harlan had me meet with them when they interviewed potential employees. They finally hired a young guy named Tim. He was tall and lanky, probably around 6’1” and had an endless supply of character t-shirts. He had shoulder-length brown hair that looked good on him, until he would put it in a man bun. I really hated man buns. But Tim seemed nice and was eager to learn how to run the shop, which was a major plus.
Even with his great attitude, there was something about him (besides his man bun) that I didn’t like. He tended to look at me wantonly whenever he thought no one was looking. I kept my distance, glad I didn’t have to train him. I mostly saw him in passing, but that was more than I really wanted to.
My relationship with my mom was still strained. We barely talked. She thought I was upset about ending my relationship with Brogan so in her mind she was letting me be sad. But really, I just didn’t want to lie to her face. I got my breakfast in the coffee shop whenever I worked mornings and was out with Brogan most evenings so she didn’t see me for dinner. She thought I was just spending time away from home, from her. At least that’s what I told her.
Brogan and I spent a lot of time outside enjoying nature and in his hotel room enjoying each other. I was determined to memorize every expression on his face and every inch of his body before he had to leave. I was falling farther and farther in love with him and I was helpless to stop it. I knew he was falling right there with me, and that didn’t make our situation any easier. Because no matter how much he loved me, how much he called me his dream girl, he would leave, and I would probably never see him again.
Chapter Sixteen
Two days before Brogan planned to leave Savannah, I had the afternoon off from the floral shop and I was all caught up on my school work. Mom was working and I had the house to myself, so I decided it was the perfect time to take care of a promise that I made to Brogan. I was going to teach him how to make a pizza.
I gave him a list of the ingredients we needed, and he picked them up on his way over to my mom’s house. I had a lot of the ingredients already, but we need toppings and more cheese. You could never have enough cheese. That would be the first lesson.
I stepped out onto the porch, after I looked out the window and saw his Tesla parked in the driveway. I waited for him on the top step and watched him walking toward me. He looked amazing as always, but his face had an intensity that I hadn’t seen since we first met almost a month before.
He dropped the bags at the bottom step, rushed up until we were face to face, then crashed his lips onto mine. It was the kind of kiss you got lost in. The kind that would make you forget your own name. But just as suddenly as it began, he pulled away. His hands on either side of my head were holding me in place. He put his forehead to mine and sighed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. He obviously wasn’t alright.
He shook his head. “I just needed to kiss you.”
I pulled away to look at him. He looked a little sad. With only two days left together, I was feeling sad too. That had to be it. He went back down the stairs and picked up the pizza ingredients. When he got back onto the porch I wrapped my arms and legs around him like a monkey and he carried me inside. I was planning on spending as much time in his arms as I could.
He carried me into the kitchen and dropped the bags on the table. He then sat me on the counter and was kissing me again. I loved kissing this man more than I loved pizza and flowers, which was a lot. I only wished it were enough.
I had to pull away or we’d never get this pizza baked. I pushed him back and hopped down off the counter.
“Don’t give me that look,” I smirked. He was looking at me like I kicked his puppy. I loved that he wanted me, but I had a promise to keep. I started looking through the bags from the grocery store and emptied them onto the counter. I added the rest of the ingredients that I already had at home to the pile.
Brogan looked down at the counter and sighed. He then picked up a recipe card with instructions on how to make the dough. It looked as though he’d never seen a recipe card before the way he turned it over in his hand. I took it and put it down, handing him a bowl. We went over the recipe together and I showed him what he would need.
I taught him how to make the dough and sauce from scratch, and he didn’t complain once. In fact, he seemed eager to learn and followed every instruction as I gave it. The pizza looked amazing when it was all put together. He stuck it in the oven and I set the timer.
As it was cooking, we decided to eat outside so we got everything we needed and took it to the patio. Brogan was quieter than usual even though he smiled a lot. I caught him staring at me more than usual too. I was starting to get concerned about his behavior, but I was hoping he would tell me if something was bothering him, right? He had a lot of secrets that he kept, so I wasn’t so sure he would confide in me if something was really bothering him.
The pizza came out of the oven and it was absolutely delicious. I made sure to tell him how much I loved it. Brogan just smiled and ate another slice. Before I knew it, the pizza was gone. Brogan carried the dishes inside and I followed behind him, becoming more and more concerned.
I went to the sink and started washing the dishes when he put them on the counter. I felt Brogan come up behind me and I smiled. He put his hands on my hips and began kissing along my neck. I turned off the water and closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling. Then I turned in his arms and kissed him. My arms wound around his neck and he picked me up, my legs wrapping around his waist.
I could feel his hardness through his jeans and it made me rub myself on him even more. He took me through the house and into my bedroom. This man that I adored never stopped kissing me, never stopped touching me.
He made it to my bed and sat down with me straddling his lap. I let go of him long enough to pull his shirt over his head. My goodness, he was perfect.
He took my shirt and bra off quickly, then flipped us so he was on top. He removed the rest of my clothes and then he was inside me. I didn’t even remember him taking his pants off. I was lost in a haze of lust and passion. He filled me up so perfectly, so completely.
He kept his eyes on me the entire time he made love to me, making me stare back into them. Goodness, I loved him. He kissed me as we both came. My orgasm triggered his, making us fall over the cliff together.
He collapsed on top of me and I just held him. We stayed that way for several minutes. Brogan got up his elbows and gently kissed me, keeping his eyes open. He glanced over to my alarm clock and put his foreh
ead to mine. He sighed long and deep, and I knew something was really wrong. He then got up and went to the bathroom to clean up. I was starting to put my clothes back on when he came in, not wanting to be naked for whatever he was going to say. He saw me and did the same.
I was buttoning my shorts when he grabbed my hands. I looked up at him and realized that he wanted my attention. He led me to the bed and sat me down. He kneeled in front of me, looking distraught.
“Alya, I have to go,” he said. I sighed in relief.
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow, right?” I asked.
He looked at me like he wanted me to understand. “No, Dream Girl, I’m going back home. Tonight.”
My world stopped. What did he mean? It had to be a joke. A bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.
“No you’re not. You still have two days. We still have two days!” My words got louder and louder until I started getting hysterical.
He looked down at our hands and sighed, confirming my worst fear. I jumped up and moved around him, wanting to get space but still wanting to be near him at the same time. We still had two days!
“When did you find out?” I asked as I paced around the room.
He sat down on the bed leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He didn’t take his eyes off of me. “I got a message from my superior officer on my way here.”
“Today?!”
“Today.”
I took a second to think about what he had just said. I sat down in my desk chair and put my face in my hands. His strange behavior today made sense. He knew when he got here.
“You came over here knowing it would be the last time you would see me. We did all of that together,” I motioned toward the bed, “and you didn’t tell me you were leaving until we were done.” I let out a huff. “Did you think that I would thank you? That I would be happy that we got one last fuck in before you ditched me? That’s so messed up.”
He rushed over and kneeled in front of me. He pulled my hands away from my face and forced me to look at him.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.” I huffed again and started to speak, but he stopped me. “I was terrified when I got the message, just seconds before pulling up to your house. I was still processing it when I saw you and I just wanted to be near you.”
The tears started falling down my face as he continued.
“I have fallen in love with you so hard and so fast, I didn’t realize it until I got that message. I knew I was falling, but I didn’t know that I was fully gone. You are the only person that I have ever met that makes me want to leave my life. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything and it kills me that I can’t have you. I cannot stay here and you cannot come with me.”
I sobbed as he pulled me into his arms.
“I love you so much, Alya. I am so sorry that I’ve hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. Your tears break me into a million pieces. I am so sorry, my love.” He held me as I cried.
“Why?” I asked. “Why can’t we be together?” I pleaded with him to tell me. I deserved to know.
He hesitated. “I wish I could tell you everything, but I cannot,” he said. “You and I are very different and what we have is not allowed where I’m from.”
“Then stay.” I cried. “We can be together here.” I knew I was grasping at straws, but I had to try.
“I can’t. For you, I can’t.” Brogan hated this as much as I did, but he was resigned to this fate. This awful fate where the man of my dreams, my soul mate could never fully be mine. I knew in that moment that I would never have this again. With every fiber of my being, I knew it. Maybe one day a long time from now I would be able to get through the day without thinking of him. Maybe I’d meet a man that I could love and we would get married. I’d have his children and we would be happy. Even with all that, I knew I’d never have this kind of love again. This was a once in a lifetime kind of love, and I was losing it. Forever.
I cried even harder and held him tighter. I didn’t want to ever let go. “I love you,” I sobbed. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me…”
He unwound my arms from his neck and pulled away, kissing my forehead. My eyes were closed as my tears fell to the floor.
“Please don’t ask that of me, my love. Please don’t ask me to do something that I cannot.” I looked up at him. He had unshed tears pooling in his eyes, showing how hard this was for him too. Seeing that only made me cry harder. He wiped at his eyes and looked at the alarm clock. He got to his feet and pulled me up to stand in front of him. He pulled me into a hug and I breathed in his scent one last time, putting it into my memory. “I have to go,” he whispered.
Pulling my hands from around his neck, he held them together in front of me. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, then lifted my face to kiss my lips.
He moved away from me and walked toward the front of the house. On shaky legs I followed him. When I reached the front door he was at his car. He stood there at the driver’s side in the pouring rain, his eyes fixed on me. Then, just as suddenly as he came into my life, he got into his car and left.
I stood in the open doorway and stared into the distance long after his car had gone, tears still streaming down my face. In a daze, I grabbed my keys from the hook by the door and ran to my jeep.
I drove around for hours with no destination in mind. Finally the tears stopped falling and I was numb. I knew I should eat dinner, but I wasn’t hungry. It was getting late and I probably should tell my mom where I was, but I didn’t have the energy to speak. Besides, I left my phone at home.
I ended up at the beach that I had taken Brogan to. I sat there and stared out over the ocean. I watched the waves crash against the shore and knew what it felt like. I didn’t think I could take much more at the moment. It felt like life was beating down on me with no sign of ever letting me up.
I sat on the beach and watched the sunrise. The last time I had watched the sun come up I was 16 and we had just moved to Savannah. Mom brought me to a beach not too far from this one and told me that the sunrise symbolized a new beginning, because it was the start of a new day. I really wanted to believe that. In that moment, I needed to believe it.
Chapter Seventeen
I left the beach after sunrise and drove home on autopilot. I was numb. But at least I wasn’t crying any more.
When I walked through the front door Mom was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast. “Hi Honey,” she said and took a sip of her coffee. She turned in her chair to get a good look at me. Her eyebrows scrunched on her forehead. “What were you doing out all night? Were you with Brogan?” Her question had a sharp edge to it.
“No, I was by myself,” I told her. I couldn’t say his name. I just couldn’t. “I was at the beach watching the sunrise.” She looked like she didn’t believe me.
“You left some dishes in the sink yesterday.”
I sighed. She was obviously in the mood to nag me and I really didn’t want to hear it. I knew the best thing to do was agree with whatever she said, and maybe she’d leave me alone.
“Sorry, Mom. I’ll remember to do them next time.” I turned and walked down the hall to my bedroom, cutting off any further conversation. I dropped my keys just inside the door when I saw my rumpled bed. Still in a daze, I carefully took the sheets off the bed and put them in the hamper. Then I went to the linen closet and got some clean sheets to remake my bed. It felt like everything was in slow motion, especially me.
I had to be at work at 1:00 so I set my alarm and laid down, not changing my clothes. I laid there and stared at the wall, never able to fall asleep. I replayed all of the moments we had, from hitting him with my jeep to seeing him stand in the rain by his car. Every memory. Every touch. Every kiss.
This is what it feels like to be heartbroken, I thought to myself. I didn’t feel this way when I ended things with Jesse. When that had happened, I thought my world was ending. That feeling was nothing compared to this.
I laid there until my alarm
clock buzzed. I turned it off and went to the bathroom to get ready for my shift. I went through the motions like a checklist in my mind, but never really caring about any of it. When I was dressed, I made myself a sandwich and drove to the floral shop.
Harlan was working with Tim, still training him and they had the morning shift. I gave them both a smile when I walked in, but my heart wasn’t really in it.
“Hey Sugarplum!” Harlan exclaimed and came over to wrap me in a hug. I stood there stiffly until I realized I needed to hug him back. He pulled away when I didn’t respond quick enough and gave me a questioning look. “Are you alright, sweetheart?”
“I’m fine,” I smiled again. It was obvious that he wasn’t buying it.
“Hey Alya,” Tim said from the front counter, helping me get away from Harlan’s concerned expression.
“Hey,” I said back. I really wasn’t in the mood to talk. I turned back to Harlan. “What needs to be done this afternoon?” He went through a list of things out loud, but ended up writing it all down anyway. I think he was worried that I’d forget everything as soon as he left, which I probably would.
As Harlan was telling me about a flower arrangement that needed to be made, I noticed Tim had come to stand right beside me. He was glancing down the front of my shirt, not really trying to hide what he was doing. He winked at me when I caught him.
Disgusted, I sneered at him and walked around the work table to stand next to Harlan. Tim shrugged his shoulders and walked over to his locker to get his keys. Ugh. I decided that once again, I hated all men. Except for Harlan. He was still awesome.
After giving me the list, Harlan pushed Tim out the door, leaving me alone in the shop. It would be best to stay busy, so I started at the top of the list. Customers came in throughout the afternoon, leaving little time to think about HIM.
