by L. B. Reyes
“If…If…I stop, she dies,” I replied.
Nathan grimaced, taking out his phone as he began to dial. I faintly heard him talking to the operator, his eyes set on me and the body. When he asked how long I'd been doing CPR, I didn't know what to respond. I hadn't paid attention. All I knew was that I wasn't going to stop, not until she started breathing again.
“Where's Han?”
“She should be on her way,” Nathan replied, placing the phone on speaker and then his hands over mine. The warmth of his touch did little to ease the coldness that had settled in my heart, but when he leaned down, pressing a kiss on my forehead, another whimper left my lips. “Let me, okay? It'll be more effective, you're tired already. We need to keep a steady rhythm. Let me help.”
I nodded numbly, moving my hands from under his but remaining on my knees next to him.
“I…I think I broke her ribs,” I stated, wincing at the thought of the horrible sound. “Do you think she'll be mad at me? I didn't mean to.”
The pain that flashed through Nathan's eyes was gone almost as fast as it was there. “I'm sure she won't be mad.”
I nodded, turning towards the sound of sirens that I suddenly heard. I ran over to the door with shaking legs, ready to direct the paramedics to Nana's room. I didn't get the chance to though, as they rushed in following Nathan's voice.
Standing by the doorway I saw how the paramedics spoke to Nathan who despite the circumstances remained calm. They continued CPR but both paramedics looked defeated. They lifted her up, an oxygen mask on her face, which had only grown paler.
I tried to follow behind them, trying to get to Nana as she got wheeled into the back of the ambulance, but Nathan pulled me back, his arm going around my waist. As much as I tried to free myself from his hold, he was stronger.
“She's not dead,” I breathed, my voice breaking at the end. She couldn't be.
I felt my knees buckle as I watched the ambulance begin to drive away, my heart pounding, my head a mess.
A loud scream invaded the room, the sound startling to my ears. It wasn't until Nathan turned me around, cradling my face in his hands that I realized it had come from me. He held me tight, his arms holding me up when I felt like I was about to fall.
Crushing devastation took over every bit of my body, grief so consuming that I didn't feel like myself anymore, because I knew, I knew nothing would be the same. Violent sobs left my throat as Nathan held me close to him, his arms wrapped around me like a cocoon. It had to be a bad dream.
All the moments I'd lived with Nana. All the memories that we would never make raced through my overwhelmed mind. She couldn't be gone, she couldn't have left us alone.
“I know, Evie,” he said softly, his lips pressed at the top of my head. “I know it hurts. It's going to be okay.”
“It's not,” I sobbed.
Knowing that it was true, Nathan didn't say anything. He just held me against his chest while I squeezed my eyes shut to try to block out the sight of her laying there.
“She was fine, Nathan. What happened? What did we miss?” The words came out between heavy crying; I didn't know how he could even understand what I was saying but he did. He understood perfectly what I meant.
I felt his thumb tilting up my chin, his eyes boring into mine with my same grief. “Let's go to the hospital. We’ll know more there,” he said, his thumb wiping away my tears. “You have to be strong. She wouldn't like to see you like this.” Nathan sighed, his hand going down to my neck, holding me in place so that I wouldn't lower my gaze. “It's breaking me to see you like this.”
It was brief, I could barely register it happening but Nathan leaned down, his lips touching mine in the most heart-wrenching kiss I'd ever received.
My brain kept telling me to stop him, that it was wrong…I didn't. Instead, I wrapped my arms around him, letting myself be comforted by his lips and touch.
It was tender and sweet; his hands caressing my face while our lips moved together.
“It's okay,” he tried to comfort, breaking the kiss. “Everything will be okay.”
I nodded even though I didn't believe him. In the distance I heard a car pulling up, the noise letting me know that my sister arrived. Not caring, I leaned further into Nate's embrace. I'd take the comfort because once my sister knew, his duty would be to comfort her.
The world around me was crumbling and I didn't know how to hold myself up.
CHAPTER 17
Evelyn
“Stroke symptoms typically include dizziness, difficulty speaking, numbness on one side of the body,” the doctor explained. He'd been explaining to us for the past ten minutes my grandmother's condition. I kept zoning out until he said the last part.
“Trouble speaking?” I asked, my voice sore from the crying all the way to the hospital.
“Yes. In your grandmother's case, her stroke was major.”
I shuddered, remembering the brief conversation I'd had with Nana that morning. She'd mentioned that she felt odd, but she seemed happy. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that she had sounded different. I took a seat in the cold, hard chair in the waiting room while the doctor continued speaking to Hannah and Nathan. Carter walked up to me, placing a hand over my shoulder.
“…brain has swollen and we can do surgery to attempt to correct it but…the ventilator is breathing for her and at this point, it is best for her medical power of attorney to step in, make a decision, unless she has a living will. Does anyone know if she has either of those?”
There was silence until I heard Hannah speak up. Her voice was so business-like. Emotionless. I couldn't believe it. Nana was lying on a bed and she didn't seem to care.
“I've called my mom and dad, maybe they know.”
Carter cleared his throat and I looked up, his sad eyes glancing over at Nathan. He nodded before addressing the doctor once again.
“Give us a few hours before the rest of the family arrives so we can make a decision,” Nate said.
The doctor nodded.
“Can we see her?” I asked softly.
It took a bit of convincing, but about half an hour later I was walking into the room in which Nana rested. There were tubes everywhere and she was so pale she didn't even look like herself. I crossed my arms over my chest. The room felt cold, lifeless.
“Here,” the nurse said, pushing a chair up next to the bed. “Take a seat. Only two people can be in here, okay?”
I nodded, giving her a small smile. My parents would be at the hospital in an hour or so and though typically I would dread their visit, I needed my mom. I needed a hug. I needed my dad to comfort me.
The sun outside still shone bright but everything in me, surrounding me, was darkness. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, no ray of sunshine in the middle of the storm. It was the type of pain that was all-consuming. She had been fine.
Placing my hand over hers, I sighed, kissing it.
“Nana, you can't leave,” I begged. “I just came back…you can't leave.” I sniffled, trying my best not to cry. I had heard that people in comas or in states like this could sometimes hear what you told them. If it was true, I didn't want her remembering me crying. She should wake up and be proud of me for remaining strong. I'd be strong for her. Hell, I'd leave the house and move in with her as soon as she woke up because she would wake up. She had to. “Please Nana, get better and we'll spend every day together, I promise. Just wake up, please.”
“You know you're the best example I have. The family is barely holding together. If you go…if you leave, it'll all fall apart. I need your advice, Nana. Especially with everything going on so please, wake up.”
My resolve was breaking so I stayed quiet, laying my head on the hospital bed, holding her hand tightly. She wasn't gone but I felt like she wasn't there anymore. The essence of her had disappeared. It shouldn't have, the monitor above me told me that her heart was still beating but I couldn't feel her.
I refused to give up.
“It's always going to hurt.” I didn't look up. Carter's soft footsteps entered the room, cautious and gentle, as if afraid of scaring me off. “When you lose someone, it stays with you forever. Time goes by and ironically enough with each passing moment more memories come to life.” I felt his hand on my back, comforting me. “You'll remember things that you didn't think mattered, miss those things. Wonder how things could have been different.”
“She sounded different.” I couldn’t hide the regret in my voice. “I should have known something was off. Maybe if I would have gotten there before I could have helped her. We wouldn't be in this situation.”
“But you didn't know,” he countered.
Carter's hand held mine and Nana's, the saddened touch making me whimper. “Come here, dear,” he said.
I stood up, letting him pull me into his fatherly embrace. Only then did I let go, the grief taking over.
“There, there,” he said softly, running his hand down my back soothingly. “It's okay. It'll be okay. No one is ever ready for these things but you're strong enough to get through it. You're not alone, you hear me?”
I nodded, leaning my head against his chest. He was sad too, she was his friend and lover after all. They'd been companions for years and now that had been taken away out of nowhere. It wasn't fair. Life isn't fair. We were giving up on Nana though when there was still a chance, we couldn't do that to her, not when there was still hope that she'd wake up.
***
When Carter and I made it back to the waiting room, Hannah was on her phone while Nathan had his head in his hands. It was clear who was more worried. He stood up when he saw me, and Hannah hung up quickly.
“How is she?” Nate asked, though the defeat in his voice said he already knew the answer.
“Nothing has changed,” Carter replied.
“Your parents should be here in a bit,” Nate said, placing his hands on my shoulders. I nodded numbly before taking a seat on the same chair I had before. Leaning my head back, I closed my eyes, hearing the quiet voices of Nate and Carter talking. Hannah joined in later, but I didn't care what they said. All I wanted was for this all to be over.
My heart was being squeezed and there was no way of freeing myself from grief's painful grip.
“There you are.” My head snapped up at the voice. My parents, Charles and Elizabeth Carson, had arrived.
Mom wore a beautiful dress, her long brown hair straightened while my dad was still dressed up as if he'd been at the office. Always so put together. I stood up, ran to my mother, and hugged her.
“Mommy,” I said. “Mommy, thank God you're here.”
She pulled back, cupping my face in her hands. Her eyes showed nothing but disapproval. My heart clenched.
“My God, Evie. You're a mess. Go fix yourself up.”
My dad simply placed his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it before they both greeted my sister with a hug. I shivered, watching them start talking about how Nana's situation would affect the company. Even though Nana didn't actively participate, she still was a shareholder. They discussed how this would affect pending deals with clients and how much of a set back it would be.
Nathan gritted his teeth, hands in his pockets in an attempt to hold back. That was my family. They were my parents.
And I had never been so ashamed of them.
How could they even consider themselves human with the way they were behaving? They weren't humans they were vultures.
“You know she may wake up, right?” I asked, steadying my voice. They wouldn't know how much this was killing me.
Mom turned to Hannah, her favorite daughter, the mature one. The one that knew how to behave appropriately and handle business with class, something that according to her I clearly lacked. “What did the doctor say?” she asked my sister. What I had to say didn't matter.
“She's on a vent, mom.” Hannah had the nerve to sound annoyed. “She's not going to make it through but we were waiting for you because we figured you're her proxy.”
“Charles, get legal,” my mom stated coldly. With the bandage ripped away from my eyes, I could see now where my sister got her lack of emotions from. “Tell them we need to figure out whether or not my mother has a living will or a proxy.”
“It's not necessary,” Carter said, pressing his lips together.
My dad raised his eyebrows, glancing over at the man who they hadn't even bothered greeting. His gaze focused on my sister's husband who sighed, extending a hand and taking a small package of papers from underneath his jacket. I frowned, confused.
“I'm her power of attorney,” Nathan said raising up the papers and handing them to my parents. Everyone's eyes widened in disbelief, including my own.
“You are?” I asked, feeling relieved that none of the others standing in front of me would decide whether or not she'd live. If it was up to them, they'd unplug her that very moment, hoping to keep the money that she had and move on with their lives. I trusted that Nathan would make the right decision.
Nathan gave me a sad smile.
My mother snatched the paperwork from his hands, skimming over it with anger. “Why the hell would she choose you?” she hissed, keeping her voice low but unable to hide the resentment.
“She knew who'd have her best interest at heart, I suppose,” Nathan said with a raised eyebrow. Briefly, I locked eyes with him but he broke the connection, exhaling as he looked through the papers. “A week. We'll be giving Anne a week to wake up. If she doesn't, we're taking her off of life support.”
“No,” I said, my voice breaking. “No, how could you just give her a week? She suffered a fucking—”
“Evelyn!” My dad raised his voice, preventing me from speaking again. “Watch your language. You’re in a public place.”
“I don't give a damn about where we are,” I hissed. “She's my grandmother and all you all are looking out for is Nana's money. I'll be damned if I allow that.”
My mother looked at me as if I was the stupidest person on Earth. “Evelyn, we have business to move forward with and we can't do that unless we've settled this.”
“I. Don’t. Care. You can lose the goddamn company. It doesn't matter.” I turned to Nathan. He had to give Nana more time. “A week is too little, Nate,” I said, stepping closer to him. “Please, please give her more time.”
The answer was there before he even spoke up. My heart shattered as the truth set in. “Evie, your Nana wouldn't want to be kept alive. This is something she and I discussed a lot,” he said in a soft tone. I shook my head. He was the only hope I had and he was letting me down.
“No,” I said. “You have to Nate, you can give her more than that.”
“Evie,” Carter said, placing a hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off, feeling the need to confront Nathan.
“It's her money, isn't it? You want her money too,” I accused Nathan despite the hurt that formed in his eyes.
“Evelyn,” he said cautiously. “Evie, it's not that. She wouldn't have wanted to be kept alive this way, you know her better than everyone here, and you know this.” He sounded almost desperate for me to believe him but I couldn't. The pain was clouding my thoughts as what I had learned about him.
“Liar,” I hissed, fisting my hands at my sides. “All of you are just selfish liars.”
“Do not make a scene,” my mom said, forcing a smile at the passersby.
I snorted, shaking my head as I took a step back.
“How's this for a scene?” I said, raising my middle finger and yelling loud enough for the whole lobby to hear. “Fuck you.”
With that, I turned around and walked away.
CHAPTER 18
Evelyn
“I knew I'd find you here.”
I'd been hiding out every day for the past week at Nana's house. Mornings would be spent at the hospital with her, praying for a change but nothing ever happened. If she didn't show any improvement tonight she'd be disconnected the next morning.
Jenna sat n
ext to me and I heard the rustling of papers. I didn't pay much attention because frankly, I didn't care. It was probably school work I was behind with anyways. The semester no longer mattered just like the rest of my family didn't either.
“Nathan's been worried about you. Says you won't talk to him.”
“He wants Nana dead like the rest of them.” I rolled my eyes, bringing my knees up to my chest and leaning my head on them. “I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to talk to anyone really so it's best if you leave.”
Jenna snorted, nudging me with her elbow. “You remember my mom is a notary, right?”
I shrugged not really caring what Jenna was about to say. She picked up the papers she'd set next to her, placing them in front of me. When I didn't pick them up she sighed, looking through them.
“Your grandmother, Carter, and Nate discussed this extensively in front of my mom.” My eyebrows furrowed at her words but I listened, now eager to hear what she had to say. “I have in my hands the original copy of her living will, in which she states that Nathan Maxwell is the person she designated as her power of attorney, the person who will decide what will happen if something should happen to her.” Jenna paused and I could feel her eyes on me, assessing whether or not to continue.
“What else?”
“Well, Anne never states specifically how long she would approve to be kept on a ventilator or life support, but she was clear that she wouldn't want it to be that long. Nathan wasn't lying, Eves, she didn't want to be kept alive that way and trust me, that's not an easy decision to make. He doesn't want to make the call, Evie, but Anne was clear: she didn't want your mom making it both because she’d make it for the wrong reasons and because she couldn't ask you since you're her little girl, Evie. She didn't want that pressure on you.”
I pushed back a sob, clearing my throat before speaking up. “It's only a week, Jen. Why can't he give her longer? Miracles happen, don't they?”
