The door opened the rest of the way to reveal Carl standing right behind Natalie. It was the first time she’d seen him since the party store, and her heart hurt to see his cold expression. Anaya dabbed at her eyes with the tissue and straightened her back. Jeff stayed where he was behind her desk, face unreadable.
“Carl, come in. Thank you, Natalie. That will be all. Close the door behind you and go home.” Anaya took a deep breath.
Carl stepped inside, and Natalie slowly began to close the door, as if it weighed three hundred pounds.
“Natalie!”
“Oh, okay, boss lady.”
With a click, the door closed.
Anaya felt literally and figuratively trapped between Carl and Jeff. She looked from one to the other, trying to decide how to proceed.
“I can go, Anaya,” Jeff offered. Carl glared in his direction but didn’t look directly at him.
Then Anaya realized what she needed to do. What she should have done a long time ago.
“I think that’s a good idea, Jeff, but before you go, there’s something I need to say.” Anaya took a deep breath. “To the both of you.” She should have asked Natalie to turn on the air conditioning. Suddenly, she felt hot.
She turned to Carl. “Carl, I know I didn’t tell you about Jeff and I working together on navy base project, and that was wrong. I should have said something sooner. Much sooner. But despite my mistake, I remain committed to our relationship.” She took a hesitant step toward him, wanting to wipe the icy expression from his face. “I’m sorry for not being completely honest with you, but I love you, and I haven’t done anything to disrespect our relationship because you mean a lot to me.”
Next she turned to face Jeff. She took another deep breath. “Jeff, I have tried hard to keep things professional between us, and I think I have succeeded. I like working with you, but we are coworkers only. I want that to be clear.”
Jeff nodded, his expression stony. “Thank you for the clarification,” Jeff said formally. “I respect your decision. And when you have a moment, get back to me on that last email from Sue.” He headed toward the door. “Take care, Carl,” he said as he passed. When he opened the door, Anaya heard Natalie squeal. She must have been standing right outside.
The door clicked shut once again.
“Babe, I’m sorry,” Anaya said turning to Carl. She took another step toward him, wanting to see forgiveness on his face. But he just stared at her.
“All of our rushed conversations and you working late were because of him?”
“Carl, no. I mean, yes. I would’ve worked those long hours regardless of who was on the project. It just so happened we were working together.”
“When did this all happen? When did we start having problems that made you run to another man? I thought we were good, Anaya. I mean, you had been working a lot so we hadn’t spent much time together, but I never suspected this. I never expected you to betray me this way. To betray us. I trusted you. When you said you were working, I believed you. Why, Anaya?”
She shook her head. Tears streamed down her cheeks, following the paths that earlier ones had carved. This isn’t the way things are supposed to be.
Carl put a hand to his head as if it pained him. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You think apologies fix everything, Anaya? How many times can you apologize, and how many times am I supposed to forgive you?”
Anaya shrunk back from his venomous tone. She spoke softly, hoping to calm him down. “Carl, it’s not what you think.”
“Oh no? That’s interesting because it seems like something is going on. You were crying when I got here, weren’t you? That must have been some conversation.”
“I don’t know what to say.” She felt defeated.
“You can start by telling me why you lied to me. How about that? You work with developers, lawyers, and politicians all the time. You’ve never lied to me about who you worked with before. Why now? Or have you been lying to me all along?”
“Carl, no. I never lied to you about who I worked with before.” She didn’t care that Natalie was probably listening at the door.
“Then why now? Why now? Why for him?”
“I don’t know.” She sobbed uncontrollably.
“Are you still in love with him?”
“What? No. I’m in love with you.”
“I don’t get you.” He sighed and put his hands on top of his head. “I came here because I wanted to see your face. That’s it. Seeing your face always makes me feel better. Sometimes it’s the best part of my day. Can you imagine loving somebody like that? Where just seeing that person’s face can make everything alright? You have been everything to me, Ny. My mornings, my afternoons, my weekends. My entire life revolves around you, and I didn’t have a single complaint about it.”
“Carl, please,” she sobbed.
“I won’t compete for you,” he continued. “I can’t do that. Especially if I’m going to lose every time. I love you, Anaya. But I can’t be second anymore. It’s bad enough that I come after your work, family, and your girlfriends. But now, to come second to the same—” He took a deep breath. “Look. I’m sorry that we’re having this conversation here. I know you keep work and personal life separate. Honestly, I didn’t expect all of this to happen. Like I said, I just came by to see your face, but I guess things happen the way they should.” He took a step forward and kissed her on the forehead.
She clutched at his arms desperately. “Carl, let’s work this out. Please, I love you.”
“I accept that.” And he did. He accepted that she loved him in the way she wanted to.
“Thank you.” She breathed a sigh of relief. “I love you so much.” She put her arms around him, waiting for him to hug her back.
“Then marry me, Anaya Goode.”
Maybe she didn’t hear him right. She took a step back to see his face. He couldn’t be proposing. That didn’t make sense. Married? She couldn’t get married. Not right now. Life was complicated. Ava was in the house. She didn’t know if she was going to continue working in the county. Carl’s place was too small. She could never live in a space with such a small closet. Things were too complicated to think about marriage.
“Marry me,” he repeated, and his voice was full of love and pain and desperation all at once. “Marry me, Anaya.”
She took another step back, shaking her head. “Carl, we aren’t ready. Life is complicated. I can’t—”
“That’s what I thought,” he said. “Exactly what I thought.”
They both turned in shock as Natalie burst through the door.
“Boss lady, you have an urgent call on your line.”
TWENTY SIX
For the first time in over a year, Carmen accepted Sophie’s dinner invitation. In the past, Carmen had declined Sophie’s invitations complaining of traffic, exhaustion, or wet hair. A low barometric pressure could be a solid excuse for Carmen. Until this beautiful October day, she seemed to have no interest in visiting Sophie’s home.
“Hi, Mamá.” Sophie hugged Carmen, who smelled like roses.
“Hola, mija.”
“Make yourself at home. I’m so glad you came.” Sophie turned to light three peace candles. She saw her mother look at a photo of Terry and Sophia in Spain, before picking up the most recent one of them in India. Carmen and Sophie hadn’t traveled alone together since Sophie was in high school.
“Oh mi Dios!”
Sophie looked back to see her mother sprawled on the seating cushions. She rushed to help her sit up. “Are you okay?”
“These pillows are so low! Who likes to sit on these things, Sophia? Agua, por favor.”
“Everybody likes them,” Sophie called as she made her way to the kitchen. “I think it’s a nice touch, no, Mamá?”
She came back with the glass of water to see Carmen nod with pursed lips.
Carmen studied the glass as Sophie handed it to her. “Sophia, did you take
this glass from my home?”
“No. Daddy bought them for me as a housewarming gift.”
“A housewarming gift? Do you know these glasses are Baccarat?”
She knew. She had picked them out herself. Sophie inhaled and exhaled five times. She was going to have a pleasant dinner with her mother if it killed her.
“So, do you like my place?” Sophie asked brightly.
Carmen frowned and nodded towards the pictures of Terry and Sophie. “I see you and your father are communicating more.”
“Yeah, we have been taking trips.”
“How can I forget? That’s the reason he was late with my check last month. Can you believe it? I’m his wife, and I get an allowance like the help.”
“It’s been good spending time with him,” Sophie said, putting tiny sandwiches on a plate.
Carmen snorted. “Well good for you. It must be nice to just take off without a care in the world while others have obligations.”
Sophie didn’t know what her mom was talking about. Perhaps she had met someone with obligations, because aside from manicure and day spa appointments, Carmen didn’t seem to have an obligation or a care in the world.
“Did that varmint go to India with you?”
“If you are talking about Daddy’s new friend, no. It was just the two of us.” Sophie sighed. She didn’t want to fight, but she had to find a way to tell Carmen to stop bringing her father into every conversation.
“And did your father ask about me?”
“No, Mamá.”
Carmen snuffed again. “Fine.” She looked off onto Sophie’s veranda.
“Daddy is happy, and he wants you to be happy too.”
“How can I be happy without my husband, Sophia? All the years of supporting him and putting off my own career. Now look. Who am I now? I am nothing!”
Sophie widened her eyes in surprise. She had never heard Carmen say anything like that; she always wore a proud façade of independence and happiness. It was the first genuine thing she heard her mom say in a long time.
“No, Mamá, you are something. You are a mom and an actress and a daughter and a friend.” Sophie kneeled in front of Carmen and grabbed her hands. “You’ve done well for yourself, and when it was time, you chose your family over your career. That’s admirable.”
“Your father doesn’t think so,” Carmen said, disappointment lacing her tone.
“Does it matter what Daddy thinks?”
For a long moment, Carmen continued to look out the patio window. Then she turned to look at Sophie. “Your place is lovely, Sophia.”
Sophie held her breath. Perhaps an evening of tea, conversation, and those little sandwiches would be the first step in repairing their relationship. Perhaps she could even invite her mom to the Goodes’ for Thanksgiving next month.
Carmen looked at the floor and frowned. “This rug is nice, but a darker color would match better.”
Sophie rolled her eyes. Baby steps.
“The rug is one of a kind. They don’t make it in this pattern in any other color.”
“I see,” Carmen said. “I like your hair that way too, even though it’s a bit frizzy.”
Sophie dodged Carmen’s criticisms like a black belt. “Yeah, sometimes the wind does that.” Dodge right.
“Your hips look so wide, mija. Have you been eating paella again?”
“Nope.” Duck.
“You remember the Johnson’s daughter, Robyn? She’s a forensic scientist. Why don’t you do something like that?”
“Not interested.” And dip.
“What are you going to do with your life, Sophia?” Carmen asked, frustrated by her daughter’s responses. “Continue living in this fancy place that your father pays for? Where is your degree, Sophia Inez? Where is your job? Caitlin and Anaya have degrees and jobs. Good jobs. Why can’t you?”
A few months ago, Sophie would have exploded as her mother systematically asked about each thing she thought was wrong with her daughter. It was like she had a mental list of Sophie’s faults, and she could not see her daughter without addressing each one.
Sophie could either kick her mom out of the house or persevere with understanding and love. She decided to continue in love because while Carmen judged Sophie’s lack of ambition, Sophie knew that her mom’s lack of substance was one of the reasons Terry moved on from their marriage.
Continuing in love didn’t mean Sophie wasn’t affected by her mother’s words. Sophie almost bit a hole in her lip trying to rein in her anger at her mother’s assumptions. But she could do this. She had spent months in therapy and had mentally prepared herself for this moment. Ny and Catie didn’t have mothers, and they always encouraged Sophie to make amends with Carmen. Sophie spent a lot of time making sure she was emotionally healthy, and mending things with her mom was important to her. Not just for recovery, but because she wanted a relationship with her mom.
She took a deep, cleansing breath. “I had a major setback in my life, and I wasn’t healthy, so I couldn’t finish school. Now that I’m moving towards being healthy, I will pursue my degree again.” For the thousandth time.
Carmen flung her hands into the air, but Sophie spoke before she could. “Why are we like this? Why can’t we just get along and love and support each other like other mothers and daughters? Why all the animosity?” Sophie struggled to keep her voice level. “I didn’t use drugs to hurt you or embarrass you. I was having a hard time, and that’s the way I dealt with it, and believe me, I’m paying for it. While all of my friends can drink wine and enjoy life, I have to be careful about certain triggers so I can maintain my sobriety. I work hard to lead a normal life, and all I want is a little support. Why can’t I get that from you?”
Her mother looked up with fire in her eyes. “We gave you everything, Sophia Inez! Everything!”
This was the moment. People always assumed Sophie had everything because her parents had money and celebrity status. But all the gifts and trips in the world didn’t change how Sophie felt about herself. Money couldn’t teach her life lessons and appreciation and all the things that parents helped their children develop. Sophie was self-made because her parents were too busy to raise her, and she had done a horrible job at raising herself.
She looked at her mom, whose lips were turned down in a frown. It looked like she had stopped with the lip fillers. They were still too big, but they weren’t as bad as before. She had also ditched the false eyelashes.
“You and Daddy gave me wonderful experiences and all the tangible things anyone could ever hope for.”
“Then why, mija?” Carmen yelled. “Why did you do this to us? To yourself? To our family?”
“I was hurting. Fancy trips weren’t enough. I needed you there during my school plays and soccer games. Do you remember when I got bronchitis? Irma slept at the foot of my bed because I couldn’t sleep. You and Daddy were there for me in some ways, but I didn’t feel the love and guidance that I needed. I was hurting and desperate for attention most of the time. The drugs just numbed the pain. Don’t you think I want to make you and Daddy proud? To make something great of myself like Anaya and Catie? The pain was eating me alive, and the drugs made me forget about all of it. They just made me numb.” Her eyes welled with tears, but she blinked them away. “And now I’m starting over. I’m trying, Mama. I am.”
Carmen walked over to the window and looked out for a long time before turning to Sophie.
“I wasn’t the first person in my family to model. I had an older sister who modeled too.”
Sophie almost choked on her coconut water. She never knew she had an aunt.
Carmen recounted how her older sister, Eliza, became a model and was represented by a large New York agency in the seventies. Eliza was discovered during a family beach vacation in Havana. Eliza had no modeling experience beyond the somersaults she was doing in the sand when the modeling agent approached Carmen’s parents. Apparently, Eliza’s cheekbones “would set magazine covers on fire.”
&
nbsp; Sophie listened intently while Carmen continued.
“At first, my parents refused to let Eliza go. They heard about the rumors of acting and modeling and didn’t want Eliza exposed, but eventually, Eliza convinced them it would be a good way for her to pay for college and to help our family. They finally agreed, and Eliza started modeling.” Carmen sat down near the window and looked out. “One day Eliza didn’t show up for a shoot, and one of her roommates found her in a hotel room, dead from a cocaine overdose.”
Sophie gasped and hurried to her mom’s side. “Why did you never tell me any of this?”
“Ah, mija. My parents buried her twice. Once at the cemetery and again when they forbade me to ever speak of her again. My father saw Eliza’s drug addiction as a betrayal. It brought shame to the family. My parents told everyone Eliza was hit by a car while she was on a modeling shoot.”
“Mama, that’s terrible,” Sophie cried.
Carmen’s normally stoic countenance dissolved into tears. “This is the first time I’ve cried for my sister in thirty years.” Sophie knew they were tears for every day Carmen had missed her sister and for every time she was forced to deny Eliza’s existence.
“When I found out that you, mija, were going down the same path as Eliza, it was too much. It was hard enough to lose my sister. I couldn’t face losing you.” She sighed bitterly. “So I pretend I don’t care and cover my fear and concern with anger.”
“Oh my goodness, Mama. Lo siento. Why did you never tell me this?”
“Ah, Sophia. I wanted you to have a life of a princess. Not a life of regrets and family shame. I wanted you to be something great. Much greater than I ever was. Not living in the shadows of the past or the hindsight of some man. You are much better than that. Much better than I am. Te amo, Sophia Inez, and I want you to be the best person you can be. That’s all I ever wanted.”
Carmen put her arms around Sophie for the first time in a long time, and for the first time, Sophie felt safe there. She held on tight. Sophie hadn’t expected that her mother’s attitude toward her would change overnight, but she understood Carmen in a way she hadn’t before. And looking in Carmen’s eyes, Sophie thought maybe Carmen understood her, too.
Never Too Soon Page 23
