Fit to Be Tied

by Kelsey Browning

  “Sure.”

  “Abby Ruth, you’re on cleanup duty while I call about the porta-potty.”

  “Why don’t I call the pot place and you deal with that toilet tornado?”

  Maggie located the phone number for Mrs. Potts Pots in the Handy Shopper newspaper she’d left on the kitchen desk. “Because I’m the one who’s been dealing with the even bigger mess outside.”

  “Fine.” Abby Ruth snatched a mop and bucket out of the pantry and stomped off toward the bathroom.

  Although they were still up to their necks in problems, Maggie grinned as she called and placed the potty order. By eight o’clock in the morning they’d have the party package delivered—a sink with a three hundred gallon tank of water and three portable potties. At least they’d each have their own private bathroom.

  A bit later, Maggie, Sera and Abby Ruth were all hunkered around the computer, staring at ThePerfectFit.com.

  “I don’t even understand what we’re supposed to look for,” Maggie admitted.

  Sera absently twirled her hair around her ink pen. “We need to find out more about OnceUponATom, but the only way to do that is to get on his radar.”

  “Well, can’t one of us just ask him out?” Maggie asked. Not that she was volunteering, but her first date had been quite a success.

  “It doesn’t work that way. I can get to his profile, but it’s not allowing me to favorite him under either your account or mine,” Sera said. “It’s like the guys get that function, but the girls don’t. This site has some gender inequality issues.”

  “I fought that crap my whole career,” Abby Ruth said.

  “And unfortunately, the private message function only works if your profiles were matched by the system or you’ve been favorited by a man.”

  “Apparently, whoever started this site has never heard of Sadie Hawkins Day,” Maggie commented. “What’s all this about matching?”

  “The system makes recommended matches, probably through an algorithm based on our answers to the profile questions. And that means we each end up with access to different guys.”

  “Well, that’s not fair,” Abby Ruth complained. “I don’t like having my choices limited.”

  But Maggie’s interest piqued. What if the site had matched her with someone even better than DanOfYourDreams? A flush, the kind she hadn’t felt since menopause, crawled up her chest. She took a step back to keep Abby Ruth and Sera from feeling the sudden heat pouring off her body.

  “Well, let’s take a closer look at y’all’s matches,” Abby Ruth said.

  Sera brought up her profile and clicked through the pictures one by one. Each man was more attractive than the last.

  Abby Ruth crossed her legs and bounced a toe up and down. “Let me see Maggie’s guys.”

  Sera’s fingers danced across the keyboard, and a screen full of handsome men popped up.

  Abby Ruth made a sound that reminded Maggie of the noise her cat used to make right before he hacked up a nasty glob onto her carpet. “This thing is obviously rigged,” Abby Ruth said. “Sera got all the leading men types and Maggie’s pulling in the hot lumberjacks.”

  “Well, if we change the answers to our profile questions, maybe the system will offer up new matches,” Sera said.

  “Me first!” Abby Ruth scooted her chair closer to the computer. “I want another chance at this game.”

  “You’ll need a different email address,” Sera said.

  “Well, set that up. And this time, I want the screen name CowgirlFun.”

  “I like it.” Sera clicked over to Gmail and created a new account. A quick logout from ThePerfectFit, and she began re-registering the new Abby Ruth. “You probably want to use something besides your real name since you were…asked to step down…the first time around.”

  “Fine,” Abby Ruth snapped. “Whatever you think’ll get the job done.”

  Sera typed in Polly Golightly.

  “That’s supposed to attract a guy who likes to bruise people with little blobs of paint?” Abby Ruth asked.

  “He’ll never see your real name. That’s the reason for screen names, remember?”

  “Good thing because I sure as hell wouldn’t give anyone that name.”

  “The questions are the key,” Sera told her. “Question one, what do you most often do in your spare time?”

  “Clean my guns.”

  “Good Lord, you can’t say that.” Maggie flopped back in her chair and covered her eyes. “Is that how you answered it the first time?”

  “Well, yeah. What was I supposed to say? Bake cookies?”

  Maggie had her doubts any account Abby Ruth set up would pull in anything but the crazies. “You’ll get matched with the serial killers, but then I guess that’s the point.”

  “The guy plays paintball,” Abby Ruth said, “so he obviously likes guns.”

  “Fine, we’ll let that ride.” Sera typed and clicked. “Question two, if you had to choose between living in an igloo or a teepee, which would you choose?”

  “Why are some of these different questions than I answered the first time around?”

  “This is actually a pretty sophisticated system,” Sera said. “It seems to constantly adjust its input parameters.”

  Input parameters? If they didn’t watch out, Sera would become a geek rather than a hippy Or maybe she could be both. A heek. Or a gippy.

  After another eighteen questions with Abby Ruth arguing about every blasted one of them, Sera raised her pointer finger over the keyboard, then let it fall on the ENTER key.

  The three of them watched the ThePerfectFit.com icon spin around as it processed Abby Ruth’s new registration.

  Abby Ruth’s new CowgirlFun profile finally displayed on the screen.

  “Push the button for the matches,” Abby Ruth demanded.

  Sera did as she asked and four rows of four men’s screen names appeared.

  “Yes!” Abby Ruth pumped a fist into the air. “Sixteen matches. These boys better not look like they came off the post office wall, or they’ll wish they were wanted dead or alive.”

  “Where are the pictures?” Abby Ruth asked.

  “Hang on. I’m still figuring this thing out.” Sera chewed on her bottom lip as she clicked buttons on the screen. “Here we go. I think I’ve got it.”

  “You’re supposed to pick based on more than looks,” Maggie said. “Besides, the screen names give you a real sense of the person.”

  Abby Ruth traced a finger across the list on the screen. “Fine, but I’m sure not interested in HappilyEverAdam. Who picks this stuff?”

  Sera clicked into the profile anyway.

  “I think he sounds romantic,” Maggie said, leaning forward to read some of the other details on that profile, until she got to part about Adam’s desire to live in a nudist colony. Maybe he was more up Sera’s alley.

  “Go back to the list,” Maggie said. She scanned the names. “How about LetsPlayBall?”

  Abby Ruth lifted her chin, squinting slightly at the screen. “Yeah, click on that one, Sera.”

  “He’s six foot three,” Sera read from the screen. “Loves to fish, plays baseball, very athletic. No felonies. Texas boy who loves small-town life.”

  “That guy sounds like my Tadpole,” Abby Ruth said. “Which makes that match downright creepy. Next guy.”

  “Wait,” Maggie said. “Scroll over to his picture. What if Teague is registered? I’ve wondered where he meets girls, because he sure doesn’t date anyone around here.”

  Sera moved the mouse and there was Teague in all his handsome glory. He was out of uniform, wearing a casual T-shirt and a smile. No wonder Abby Ruth wanted Teague and Jenny to get back together. Their sheriff was, as the younger girls would say, a total hottie.

  “Holy crap,” Abby Ruth said. “Will he see these same matches from his side?”

  “I’m not totally sure.” Sera shook her head. “Every time I think I have this system figured out, it seems to change on me.”

  �
��Reject him,” Abby Ruth ordered. “Immediately.”

  Sera clicked a big X and Teague’s profile disappeared from Abby Ruth’s page. “Fine. Here’s another one. Retired athlete. Widowed two years ago. Over six feet tall. Sandy hair. Loves women who can handle things on their own and not afraid to take charge. Shoe shoppers need not apply, but boot girls are a shoe-in. That’s so you, Abby Ruth.”

  She cut Sera a narrow look. “That man’s looking for a dominatrix,” she said, clucking her tongue against her teeth.

  “He is not,” Maggie said with a laugh.

  “Handle things. Take Charge. Boots. Yeah, that’s got BDSM written all over it.”

  Sera snickered. “I’m not so sure that still doesn’t have you written all over it. And look, he’s already favorited you! And his screen name is TexasBallPlayer. How perfect is that?”

  “Lemme see his picture.”

  Sera scrolled over to reveal a sixty-something man with graying sandy hair.

  The open, laughing expression on Abby Ruth’s face closed down faster than a government office at five in the afternoon. “No. I’m not interested.”

  “Interest has nothing to do with it,” Maggie said. “You were the one who said we needed to cast a wider net. I went on a date. You have to do your part too.”

  “I need to get to the ball field.” Abby Ruth turned on her heel and walked out.

  “Well, that was abrupt, even for Abby Ruth,” Maggie said. “After all her jawing about wanting the handsome men and she walks away from him? That woman makes me crazy sometimes.”

  Sera scanned the rest of Abby Ruth’s matches. “Do any of these pictures look familiar to you?”

  “Teague’s the only one I know.”

  “Hmm…I wonder…” Sera typed something, and a moment later the screen filled with dozens of handsome faces.

  “Oh. My. Gosh.” Maggie could barely breathe for all the good looks crowding the page. “Are those all on ThePerfectFit.com?”

  “No. I just Googled male models.”

  “How do you do all that?” Maggie needed to hone her computer skills to keep up with not only her grandkids but her friends too. She had a Facebook account, but that was only because her daughter had set it up so she could see pictures of the kids Pam posted.

  “It’s practice, just like you with those power tools.” Sera pointed to one on the fourth row. “But, oh my goodness, look at this.”

  “What?”

  She clicked again, bringing up Abby Ruth’s match results, and pointed to the leftmost picture.

  “Okay.”

  And back to the Google images. Sera pulled her bare foot into the chair seat, waving at the screen full of images. “Several of these guys showed up on Abby Ruth’s matches.”

  “Why?”

  Sera slowly leaned away from Maggie, met her gaze head-on. “Because we’re on to something. Some of these profiles. These pictures. They aren’t real guys.”

  “Don’t be silly.” Maggie laughed. “Why would someone do that? I know my guy is real. DanOfYourDreams most definitely showed up for our date.”

  “We don’t know if his real name is Dan, do we?”

  “I didn’t ask for identification, but why would he lie? I told him my real name.”

  “Let’s see if we can Google up his picture.”

  Maggie felt a trickle of concern climb her spine. She didn’t want Dan to show up on Sera’s Google search screen. She so wanted him to be real. She needed him to be real. But before she could protest, Sera had already typed in a search for handsome handymen.

  And the first picture on the first row was a guy who strongly resembled her DanOfYourDreams. The shot was from a distance, but it was clear Dan’s profile picture had been cropped from it.

  Sera studied it. “He’s very attractive. Was he this good-looking in person?”

  Maggie bit her lower lip. “You know, we were beekeeping. All that netting and the big hat and all. I’ll admit I wondered if he may have fudged his picture a little, but honestly, I couldn’t see his face.” Why hadn’t that bothered her more? Probably because she’d imagined him looking exactly like his profile picture. Which was ridiculous considering her photo was a bit of a misrepresentation.

  Plus, he’d been so sweet. So thoughtful. So romantic. “Maybe there’s an explanation.”

  “This picture is from a stock art site.” Sera must have sensed her disappointment—heck, almost felt like a darn heartbreak—because she started rambling. “But maybe he models too.”

  “Doubtful.” Maggie’s heart stalled, and her mouth went dry. “We’ve been duped.”

  “No, honey.” Sera reached out and wrapped an arm around Maggie’s shoulders. “Martha’s niece was duped. We’re investigating.”

  I wasn’t just investigating. I was invested.

  Chapter 16

  The next morning, the sound of a backup alarm sent Maggie running outside with Sera right behind her. A bright yellow rollback truck was backing up the driveway, carrying three hot pink portable potties and a pink leopard print wash station.

  “How fun,” Sera yelled. She leapt from the porch and ran out to greet the truck driver.

  Fun wasn’t exactly how Maggie would describe this situation, but at least Abby Ruth’s birthday party would be the perfect cover to give them facilities until the septic system was back in working order. That woman had griped up a storm when she’d had to do a squat-and-tinkle out behind the carriage house last night.

  As for this birthday party, Maggie needed to start thinking a little faster on her feet when she was making up stuff, because whipping up a good party in two days was hard work. And now they were down to hours until people started showing up.

  While the Mrs. Potts Pots driver set up the equipment, Maggie finalized the list of tasks and tore the sheet of paper into three parts.

  Abby Ruth stepped out on the porch with a clomp-clomp of her boots and pointed toward the pink potties. “I’m still not using those things. I don’t care if they’re brand new.”

  “Suit yourself,” Maggie said, handing her one of the lists. “But you get to drinking and I know you’re not going to hop in your truck and drive clear across town just to use a real one.”

  “Says who?” Abby Ruth glanced at the list and crumpled it against her hip.

  She was in a mood this morning. “What’s wrong with you?” Maggie asked.

  Abby Ruth stepped down on the second porch stair and plopped her blue-jeaned bottom on the top one. “I hoped Jenny and Grayson would come for the party. That’s all.”

  “Of course they’ll come. Sera talked to Jenny. Who can say no to Serendipity Johnson? No one. That’s who.”

  Abby Ruth looked at her short nails and buffed them on her thigh. “My girl is so busy. And hard-headed.”

  “Wonder where she gets that?” Maggie smiled, but it hadn’t really been a joke. “What’s the matter?”

  Abby Ruth shrugged. “I just wish she’d come. I haven’t seen her in too long. Besides, it’s time for her to get back in the man saddle, and I don’t want her making a mistake like she did last time. She needs to give Teague another chance. Oh, Maggie, if you’d seen those two back in the day…”

  Maggie sat down beside her. “You’re getting all maternal on me.” She’d never really seen this side of Abby Ruth, making her sorry she was always generalizing when it came to her friend.

  “You would be all maternal too. Those two were perfect together. If I could get her here for my birthday party, maybe…just maybe…they might get a little ember sparkin’ again.”

  Maggie knew what it was like to want your daughter to find a really good relationship. She’d had those worries before. “You know how Sera is always telling us not to let any negativity into our universe?”

  Abby Ruth nodded.

  “Well, let’s just keep on working on these tasks and plan on Jenny showing up. I bet the universe won’t let us down.”

  “Maybe you’re right.” Still, Abby Ruth’s shoulders rema
ined slumped.

  Maggie was reading through her task list when Sera walked up and Abby Ruth said, “Just in time. We’re checking our list. Again.”

  Grinning like a barn cat after an all-you-can-eat mouse buffet, Sera draped herself over Maggie’s shoulder. “That’s great. I love lists.”

  “I don’t know what you’re on, but I need a tablespoon of it,” Abby Ruth said.

  Sera’s response was a wee bit too happy. Abby Ruth was right about that because Sera wasn’t a list-lover by a long shot. “What’s going on? You’re extra happy today.”

  “I got a date.” The bells rang on Sera’s ankle as she skipped around the porch. “I’ll have to leave your party just a little early, Abby Ruth, but I can still help with all the before stuff.”

  “A date? It’s my birthday,” Abby Ruth huffed. “You’d think I’d get a damned date.”

  “Oh, don’t be like that.” Sera took her list from Maggie and waved it in front of Abby Ruth. “Come on. You can drive me to town to pick up supplies for the party.”

  Abby Ruth grabbed her keys from inside, then she and Sera were off.

  Maggie was climbing the stairs to get holiday lights out of the attic when a knock came at the door. Down she climbed again.

  Deputy Barnes stood on the porch holding a bouquet of Dallas Cowboy themed balloons. “Sheriff asked me to drop these off for the party.”

  “Did you get those from the flower shop in town?”

  “Sheriff did. Had me pick them up for him. I didn’t know they even had balloons.” There had to be two dozen blue and silver balloons and three mylars shaped like football helmets.

  “Me either.” There were so many helium balloons that it looked like enough to pull a lesser man right off the ground. Maggie laughed at the sight of the poor deputy holding them. “Nice of him. Why don’t you come in?”

  She took the balloons, not sure where they’d use them, but for now she just needed to be sure they didn’t fly off. She struggled with the bouncing batch, trying to tie them to the newel post.

  “Let me get that for you.” Deputy Barnes swept the bright pink curling ribbons into one hand and then whipped them around in a flurry that produced a lovely knot.