Once he had his breathing under control, Von walked through the house. After finding a spot in the fridge for the pizza, he checked the locks and turned out the lights before returning to Justin’s side. He peeled off the man’s socks. Von knew how much Justin hated sleeping in them. Next, he rearranged the pillows, making a spot for Justin’s oxygen where it wouldn’t move. Once he had everything arranged just right, he ensured the covers were tucked around Justin’s body before kicking off his shoes and crawling in beside Justin.
For the longest time, he simply listened to Justin breathing. He’d missed the feeling of having Justin sleeping beside him. Being without this man had been like missing a limb. The time he’d spent fighting his suspension seemed so petty and useless. He’d stuck to his workout routine and private ice sessions, expecting he’d rejoin the season at any moment. He’d fought, thinking the sooner he had shit together, the sooner he could fix things with Justin. Von could’ve flown back and tried winning Justin back sooner, but his attention would’ve been split between issues. Justin deserved to have his undivided attention. Now Justin had it, whether he wanted it or not. Von would stop at nothing to win this man. Maybe he hadn’t always been good at proving it, but Justin was the greatest love of Von’s life. No way in hell would Justin ever get rid of him. Even Justin’s hatred was better than nothing at all.
9
There was something heavy across his legs, pinning him to the bed. Justin’s eyes shot open. A large chest blocked his line of sight. Memories of the night before overcame Justin. He’d lost track of time. Fifteen minutes or fifteen hours could’ve passed for all he knew. His alarm clock hadn’t gone off, so he must not be late for work yet. Von was so freaking huge and warm, Justin felt like he was in a cocoon. Reality didn’t reach him with Von holding him. Without thought, Justin scooched closer. His oxygen mask kept him from sniffing Von’s skin. Justin shoved it out of the way before burying his face against Von’s chest.
Von’s deep breaths let Justin know the man slept peacefully through Justin nosing up his chest, seeking any hint of the man’s subtle cologne. He found it near Von’s collarbone. A clean, flowery scent filled Justin’s nostrils. He couldn’t stop inhaling it. Dark thoughts rose to the surface, but Justin stamped them down. Too few good things happened to Justin any longer. He wasn’t above stealing a moment no one would know about but him. Justin’s lies still rang in his head. He’d told Von he didn’t love him anymore. As if his love could die. If Justin knew how to kill it, he would, but this fucking spot—the place right below Von’s collarbone—Justin wanted to lick it. Temptation crippled him. He couldn’t move away.
The delicious flavor of Von’s skin exploded across Justin’s tongue, making him realize how far he’d gone. His mouth was open and sucking on the man’s chest without a single thought. Horror crawled up Justin’s spine, making goosebumps form on his skin. Justin didn’t stop. He felt Von stop breathing. The man’s muscles tensed, as if he was afraid to move an inch. Justin bit back a smile at the thought of rendering Von helpless. In the past, this was all it would take for Von to be hard for him. The desire to check was a real thing.
It suddenly hit Justin—he didn’t know why he held back. Life was so fucking short. Did it really matter if he touched Von? Since his diagnosis, he’d found he regretted the things he hadn’t done more than the things he had. Von had already broken him beyond all repair. There was no more damage the man could do. Before even Justin had accepted his decision, Justin shaped Von’s erection through his jeans. With his eyes closed, Justin could pretend things were different. He could block out the rage he felt each time he set eyes on Von. It had been four months since Von left for Phoenix. It had been sixteen long weeks since anyone had touched him. Damn, he’d missed the sensation of Von’s hard body beneath his palms. Chances were better than not he’d beat this cancer, but what if he didn’t? Did he want to spend what was left of his life never having anyone touch him? He could use Von for sex and not get hurt. Justin already hurt.
Von tilted his chin back, giving Justin better access to kiss his neck. He cupped the back of Justin’s head, holding him in place. Moving slowly, Justin slid Von’s zipper down before working the man’s button loose. The front of Von’s underwear was already wet. As Von’s erection filled Justin’s hand, doubts crept in. How many men had Von fucked since he left? Without any plan in place, Justin’s mouth moved back to Von’s chest, and the question slipped out.
“How many men took my place once you decided you were done with me?”
“I haven’t slept with anyone else since you tripped over me in the freezer section.” The words came out sounding harsh. Von was such a liar. Everything he said was suspect. A fresh wave of pain and regret washed over Justin. Funny how it didn’t dampen his lust. His cock begged to be set free. Rather than questioning Von’s claim, Justin stroked Von’s erection. With every slide of soft skin against Justin’s palm, his heartache grew. It didn’t make sense why he couldn’t separate himself from the experience. His alarm clock blared to life, giving Justin the excuse he needed to roll out of Von’s hold. After switching off the alarm, Justin slowly sat up to keep from throwing his breathing out of sync by moving too fast. He set his feet on the floor and stared at nothing. Justin’s body hated him. His heart hated him even more.
“Justin—”
“I have to go to work,” Justin said, moving away and heading for the bathroom. He stared at his reflection as he brushed his teeth. At some point in the night, he’d lost his stocking cap. He looked a mess, and Von had seen it all. Justin tried not to think. The worst of his usual dark thoughts were trying to push their way in. He didn’t have the willpower he needed today. He had no desire to convince himself to keep fighting—to keep living. Justin tore his gaze away from his reflection. He couldn’t look at himself any longer.
After turning the water as hot as it would go, Justin stepped beneath the steaming stream. His skin turned red, yet Justin still shook from the inside out. When he’d started chemo, his doctor had suggested Justin join a support group as well. The man had warned Justin that he would have days like this—days when his mind would whisper he should just give up. There was nothing for him here. He was tired. Battle weary. Broken. The tickle at the back of his throat warned him that the water running down his face wasn’t all from the shower. Justin dipped his head beneath the stream of water, hoping to wash away any tears that might be mixing in.
Cool air slapped his skin as Von ripped back the shower curtain. Justin could only stare at him in silence. Damn, he’d forgotten how fucking beautiful Von was without clothes. Before he had time to choose a reaction, Von’s nude body pressed against his. Von’s mouth covered Justin’s, cutting off any chance of an argument. Justin’s back was against the wall and his legs were around Von’s waist before he knew what was happening. By then, he no longer cared. The strong stroke of Von’s tongue gave Justin strength. He’d been weak for so fucking long. Allowing Von’s kiss didn’t feel weak, as he would’ve expected. Instead, it felt the way it always had—like he was the most powerful person in the world in that moment.
The head of Von’s cock pressed against Justin’s asshole. Von ripped his mouth away and held Justin’s stare as he pressed inside. “Be angry,” Von said, taking Justin by surprise and confusing him, considering what the man did to Justin’s body. “Fight me and tell me you hate me,” he added, leaving Justin torn between crying out in pleasure and just plain crying. Von leaned his weight against Justin and changed angles, pulling a moan from Justin. “It doesn’t matter if you believe me when I say I love you, because I do fucking love you. Yell. Scream. Try to throw me out.” Von’s tone softened as he leaned closer, pumping inside Justin. “Just don’t give up, okay?” He didn’t give Justin a chance to respond. His lips lightly touched Justin’s, stealing his thoughts.
Justin’s fingers dug into Von’s shoulders and tugged at his hair. He tried touching as many places as he could reach. His body was on fire, ready to explode, a
nd Von hadn’t even touched his dick. Incapable of standing another second of his cock aching, Justin palmed his erection. It was a mindless act. Von growled against Justin’s mouth, sounding more turned on than any man should. The noises the man made had Justin’s balls drawing up tight.
“Goddamn, baby. I love you.”
At Von’s claim, Justin’s traitorous body betrayed him. An orgasm slammed into him with a force he hadn’t experienced in a long time. It rocked Justin to his core. Gasps tore from his throat. Struggling for air had become a familiar experience for him, but this was different. There were no other phenomena on the planet that matched the way Von stole his breath.
Von threw his head back and sucked air. The cords in his neck stood out as he came. He cried Justin’s name. Justin couldn’t look away. His eyes burned from the effort it took for him not to blink. The way Von’s hard body became even more solid during orgasm always fascinated Justin. There was no one more beautiful than this man who easily balanced Justin’s weight and controlled their every move. He didn’t think anyone in their right mind would blame him for being weak. One glance at Von would rob anyone of their good sense.
When Von’s chin dropped and their gazes collided, Justin stopped breathing. There was so much emotion swimming in the man’s eyes. Justin didn’t really exist when Von wasn’t around. He went through the motions of living, but he was a shadow of himself. Justin was only whole when Von held him. It was beyond cruel. Von allowed Justin’s feet to slide to the floor, but he didn’t release Justin. Instead, he grabbed the body wash and set to gently washing Justin’s skin. Justin couldn’t fight. All his concentration was on his next breath.
“I’ve missed doing this for you,” Von said, sounding every bit as wrecked as Justin felt.
An unexpected burst of anger ran through Justin’s blood. Von wouldn’t have missed a goddamn thing if he hadn’t run for the hills and deemed Justin too much of a burden. He could’ve been in the shower with Justin every fucking day if he hadn’t dumped Justin. As a matter of fact, he could’ve come back at any fucking time in the past few months and tried to fix things. Instead, he’d been too goddamn worried about his career. Justin swallowed, trying to keep from flying into a rage.
“I have to go to work,” Justin said, shoving his way past Von and grabbing a towel. Without looking back, he dried his skin as he headed for the bedroom. He had to get the hell out of there. Justin should’ve known better than to think Von would let him run away. He was hot on Justin’s trail.
“There’s no reason to feel guilty, Justin. You aren’t weak. We’ve always been explosive together and your heart knows where you belong.”
Justin somehow kept his tone bland as he threw on the first clothes he found. “I don’t feel guilty. You of all people should know I never do anything I don’t want to do. Plus, it was just sex.”
“Okay, ouch,” Von drawled.
Justin tried not to rub the spot in his chest that ached over Von’s reaction. It was stupid, so fucking ridiculous that he cared he’d hurt Von with his words. He’d be goddamned before he took them back. He weaved a belt through his belt loops and tried not to think about it.
“I’m running late to work.”
Von grabbed some clothes from his drawer, the one Justin had been too weak to empty, even after moving. For a moment, Von blinked in surprise at his clothes—like he’d grabbed them out of habit before realizing what he’d done. He eyed the dresser before turning Justin’s way. Justin looked away, refusing to meet the man’s gaze. Von pulled his clothes on, obviously deciding to say nothing of the incident. Instead, he picked another argument that pissed off Justin.
“It’s ridiculous for you to go to work now that I’m here.”
“You should go home, Von,” Justin said, hoping he wouldn’t rip the man’s head from his body only minutes after he’d given Justin such an explosive orgasm.
Von stretched a T-shirt over his massive chest and tugged it down his torso, covering his gorgeous abs. “I don’t have a home. The moment I finished signing the papers to settle out of court with Luka, I hit the road to come back to you.”
“I’m sure you’ll land on your feet,” Justin said, sounding like an asshole and not caring.
“Justin, I’ve got you covered. Now’s the time for you to relax and worry about getting better. Fuck working. Just call and let them know you’re done. I’ll take care of you. Let me do this. Get back in bed and I’ll baby you until this is all a bad memory.”
It was such a shot to the gut. Every word leaving Von’s was like a twist of a knife. At one time, he would’ve given anything to hear those words from Von. It was too little too late.
Justin’s shirt clung to his skin in the places where he hadn’t fully dried before pulling on the material. The sight was distracting Von. His need to take care of Justin was making him half crazed. Like a mother hen, he wanted to rip the shirt from the man’s back and dress him in something dry so he wouldn’t catch his death the moment he stepped outside. Unfortunately, Justin kept opening his mouth and infuriating Von.
“I gave up my job for you once, Von. Remember how that turned out? I can’t afford to take another chance on you. You’ve proven way too many times you can’t be trusted.”
The anger simmering in Von’s gut wouldn’t cool, but he refused to give in to the explosion. Justin needed him whether he admitted it or not. This was too important for him to back down. After seeing Justin last night, barely breathing, Von couldn’t lose this argument. “If you won’t quit, then I suggest you pick which job you like or the one that wears you out the least, because you’re not working two. My accountant is already in the process of taking care of your medical bills. You don’t have to worry over them any longer. If you want to keep one job to prove a point to me or make yourself feel better, that’s fine. But I won’t sit back and quietly watch you kill yourself to spite me.” Despite his best efforts, each word had come out as if growled through his teeth. Justin didn’t look concerned.
“Fine,” Justin said, pulling on a flannel shirt over his T-shirt.
Von’s eyebrows snapped together. “That’s it? Just fine?”
Justin sat down and held Von’s stare. “You’re not forgiven.”
“That’s fair.”
Justin ignored Von’s interruption. “We’re not back together. The only reason you’re still here is because I’m not stupid enough to think I can make you leave and I don’t have the energy to try. If you need to stay here to ease your guilty conscience or whatever, then fine, but don’t think I don’t see through you. The first time you get a better offer, whether it be hockey or another man, you’ll be gone.” Justin tied his shoes as if he wasn’t ripping out Von’s heart.
Von breathed through the pain of Justin no longer believing in him. “There’s no such thing as a better offer than you.”
Justin shrugged. It couldn’t have been more apparent he didn’t believe a word Von said. “It doesn’t matter. There’s nothing left of my heart for you to break.” Justin stood. “Have a good day doing whatever it is you do. There’s a spare key hanging on the key hook in the kitchen, in case you need to go somewhere. Just please don’t bring another man to my apartment.”
The pain of Justin’s indifference clawed at Von’s insides. He stood. “Let me drive you to work. I’d rather you didn’t drive after last night’s episode.”
Justin eyed him—emotionless. “If that’s what you want.”
“It is,” Von said as he headed for his shoes. He needed to know where Justin was at all times and that the man couldn’t run away. This wouldn’t be an overnight fix. He needed time and to know Justin was okay. Unfortunately, Von couldn’t ignore the tiny voice in the back of his mind that grew stronger every day. The one telling him he’d gone too far this time. Justin would never love him the same way again.
The ride to Justin’s work was a nightmare. Justin didn’t talk to him other than ensuring Von didn’t get lost on the way. The new lab where Justin put his d
egree to work was smaller than the last. Most likely, it paid less as well. Another black mark against Von. The moment they arrived, Justin jumped from the truck, stealing any chance Von had of trying to kiss him goodbye. Before Von backed from the parking space, his phone buzzed.
Justin: I forgot to tell you I get off at 5:30.
Von: Hey, I’m unblocked. Does that mean I get to send nudes?
Justin didn’t respond. Von wasn’t surprised. Since he had to pick his battles, Von pulled away from the building, leaving Justin behind. He had a million and one things to do before five thirty rolled around. He was about to bowl Justin over, but first, he needed all the info he could get and there was only one person he could go to who still seemed to be somewhat on his side. At the first red light he came to, Von dialed Kate’s number.
Kate didn’t bother saying hello. “Justin didn’t appreciate learning I’d talked to you.”
Von had figured as much. “I know, but I wanted to let you know I’ve sent all the bills to my accountant. They’ll be taken care of.” His claim was met with silence.
Finally, Kate released a sigh. “You really do love my son, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“Then you’re just an idiot.”
Von swallowed a laugh. “Yes.”
“Has he budged a single inch or are you still sitting outside his apartment?”
“He’s letting me stay with him, but it’s not because he’s budged,” Von admitted.
Another silence filled the line before Kate responded so quietly he had to strain to hear. “I’m glad he’s not alone.” Kate blew out another sigh as if every word she spoke went against her best judgment. “I’m afraid for him.”
Fear tightened Von’s chest. “He won’t talk to me about his treatment.”
Pound (Hard Hit Book 10) Page 10
