His expression was blank, an intrepid mask that lured her in. One foot moved in front of the other as she crossed the lot. His arms opened and she fell into his strength, drawing breath from his warmth and solitude from his unshakable stature.
She asked him to come for her and he came. No questions asked. He simply was there because she needed him.
“I love you.” The words fell out of her mouth and nothing inside of her wanted to draw them back. It was the simple truth, she loved him and she would always love him, because beyond his flaws and after his stubbornness, before his need to serve himself, he would always put her first. That was something no one in her life had ever done.
Her breath hung suspended like fragile icicles in her lungs as she waited for his reply. Perhaps it was her new knowledge of how she came to exist that insisted she hear his reassurance. Always less and now a bit lesser, her tattered dignity required the words. She needed his vow of love. It was the only bond that could possibly forgive and accept the shame of her conception.
“I love you too.” His arms sheltered her from the rain as he escorted her to the car. A thousand weighted worries eased with his easily given reply. She shivered in the cool interior as he settled in beside her.
It all made sense now. He would move hell and high water to protect her. It was an unfathomable awareness that nothing she could ever do would change that. There was no distance he would not cross to reach her if she called to him. Even when it came to what he’d done in the past, he merely let her go only to bring her home, surrendering everything he desired just to ensure she was safe.
The limo eased away from the rehab facility and she breathed a sigh of relief as he pulled her close. “Tell me why you came here in the middle of the day?” Lucian asked in a soft voice as he peeled a strand of damp hair back from her temple.
“I quit my job at Clemons.”
His shoulder tensed under the weight of her cheek. “How come?”
“A woman in my line started taking pictures of me. I think she was from the press. I chased after her and apparently we aren’t supposed to accost the customers. My boss was pissed and I overreacted because he wanted to change my shifts so I walked out and basically told him where he could stick the job.”
“Do you want your job back?”
She smirked. If she said yes, she had no doubt he’d somehow manage to resolve the situation for her. “No. I wouldn’t have stayed there forever. Maybe this is for the best.”
“So you left work and came to visit Pearl?”
“Yeah.”
“I assume it didn’t go well.” His large palm coasted over her damp clothing, pressing heat into her chilled skin.
“She recognized me for a change. It actually started out as an okay visit. I mean, I was upset, but . . . she . . . listened and made me feel better.”
“But that’s not how she was when you left?” He knew enough about Pearl and the way she treated her to know nurturing was not her mother’s strong suit.
“No.” She had the urge to let it all out, bare all, and hope he could catch all the broken pieces and mend her back together. “I don’t know who my dad is. I never did, but the amalgam of a man I concocted in my head, the image I carried around like a kind of a talisman since I was a little girl, that’s not him.”
She wasn’t making much sense. He waited for more of an explanation so she went on. Shame laced her confession. She never imagined her station in life could grow farther from Lucian’s, but it had. All within the span of a few moments with Pearl. She needed to tell him.
“The people who killed the man I believed to be my dad . . . they raped my mom. I think that’s where I came from.”
His grip on her tightened as soft lips pressed into the top of her head. The sigh he expelled spoke volumes of his regret. Something told her it was regret for her shame, however, not his. Inexplicably, she believed, after all he’d already accepted of her past, he wouldn’t be ashamed of her now.
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“It’s stupid to be upset about something so irrelevant. It changes nothing. It’s just another shift in the pieces I’ve stood on all my life, another unstable chip in who I am.”
“You’re right. It doesn’t change anything. You’re still you, and you’re more a compilation of your strength of will and personal experiences than anyone who played a part in the making of cells.”
“So why does it hurt so much?”
His chest expanded and he exhaled slowly. “Because those made-up memories were yours, and someone took them away. When you don’t have a lot, I imagine every bit counts, whether we acknowledge those parts of who we are or not. But this doesn’t change anything, Evelyn. You’re still the same person you were this morning.”
“Who is that?”
“Pardon?”
“Who am I?”
“You’re a young woman trying to find her way. You’re smart, courageous, loving, and honest.”
Her lips curled into a sad smile and she chuckled. “I’m Dorothy, the Tin Woodman, Scarecrow, and Cowardly Lion all rolled into one.”
He laughed. “What?”
“Nothing. I was thinking about that story earlier and how much it frustrated me.”
“The Wizard of Oz?”
“Yeah. I was so mad when I found out the great and powerful wizard was just a man behind a curtain.”
Lucian turned and softly said, “That’s all we all are. We’re just ordinary people trying to do great things.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, for the first time feeling at ease with that mediocre explanation of people and life. “I guess we are.”
***
The soft press of lips to the corner of her mouth had her lashes fluttering open. They were still in the limo. She’d fallen asleep.
“I want you to call Jason and cancel your lesson for tonight.”
She blinked as words crammed to the forefront of her mind, preparing to spill out in argument.
Lucian cut her off. “Either you call him or I will. You’re exhausted. I’m taking you up to the penthouse where you will take a long bath while I order dinner, and then I’m putting you to bed.”
“Lucian, there are some things I need more than sleep.”
He wasn’t angry, but his expression also told her he wasn’t budging. He held out his hand. “The phone, Evelyn.”
Her head was fuzzy and her nose was stuffy from crying. Rubbing the heel of her hand into her eye, she sat up. Maybe she should call it a day. The more her brain awoke the more she recalled why she wanted to sleep.
Shoving thoughts of Pearl and her morning away, she lifted her hips and dug out her cell. Lucian reached and she pulled her hand back. “It’s my responsibility. I’ll handle it.” He relented and she dialed Jason’s number.
After leaving a quick voicemail saying she wouldn’t be able to make their appointment that evening, she suffered an uncomfortable sort of guilt. She didn’t like making excuses.
“It’s for your own good,” Lucian said, rubbing his arm over her shoulder and easing her to the door of the limo.
She didn’t like that he knew what was best for her before she did sometimes, but he was probably right. She was muzzy headed and tired, emotionally drained. Still, she couldn’t give him too much credit or he’d slowly start deciding everything for her, and she wasn’t ready for that. “I wouldn’t have made the call if I didn’t think it was the right choice.”
His eyes narrowed, studying her, but there was a slight quirk to his lips. A smile. “So tough. Come on.”
The walk out of the limo was made in haste as it continued to rain, an otherwise beautiful day turned into a dreary smudge of inconvenience. Shoes squeaked over the pristine lobby floor, and all sound was buffered as the elevator doors closed around them.
When they arrived at the penthouse, Lucian walked her straig
ht into the master bath and proceeded to prepare the tub. Soft citrus fragrances wafted to her nose as bubbles frothed against the porcelain walls. He helped her off with her shirt, expertly sliding each little button through its hole.
These were the moments she valued surrender. When they were alone and he took control, she was able to let go and simply be. She valued that time, loved his gentle authority. Somehow her needs in privacy were quite contrary to the control she needed of her own life outside these walls.
Her legs were stripped down to nothing, and he helped her step over the high lip of the tub. She settled into the warm water and groaned at the delectable way the heat seeped into her bones.
Lucian disappeared and returned with a plush, folded bath towel and sat on the chair at the vanity. She sensed his need to say something, so she faced him and turned off the faucet.
“I want to talk to you about our arrangement. We can talk at dinner or after you rest. I’ll leave it up to you.”
She frowned. The term “arrangement” didn’t sit right with her, not after she’d come to an understanding with her heart. “What is it you want to discuss?”
He shook his head. “Not now. Relax for a while. It’ll keep.”
“You can’t do that. You can’t say something like that then expect me to relax. And why are you suddenly calling it ‘our arrangement’?”
His thick lashes blinked at her in confusion. “I meant our living arrangement. And it isn’t anything bad, we just need to get a few things clear.” He stood and her body refused to go after him, too comfortable in the heat of the silky water.
“I’ll order dinner in a half hour so you have time to unwind and clear your head.”
Yeah, like that was going to happen now.
He kissed her hair and left the room. Evelyn soaked for what she assumed was fifteen minutes, then climbed out of the tub and did a quick rinse and scrub in the shower.
On Lucian’s bed she found a white dress shirt laid out for her and slipped it over her shoulders, buttoning it down to her thighs. The scent of dinner wafted through the hall, and her hunger announced itself as she settled into the chair across from him.
He smiled. “Feel better?”
“Yes.” She lifted the cover off her dish and found a succulent slice of beef cradled in a nest of fresh greens. Lucian nodded at her, quietly prompting her to eat.
After several bites, he said, “There’s a party at Antoinette’s condo this weekend. It’s for Jamie. It’s his birthday. I’d like you to go with me.”
“Sure.” She nibbled on a sprig of asparagus. “I guess he and Toni are really an item now, if she’s throwing him parties at her home.”
He grumbled something under his breath, telling her he still didn’t approve of the match. “Shamus doesn’t know about it. It’s a surprise.”
“Oh. Will he mind?”
He cocked his head and lifted a shoulder. “We’ll have to wait and see.”
“Are you going to get him a gift?”
“I ordered his gift this morning.”
No time like the present, she thought. “What did you get him?”
“A Spider.”
“You got him a bug?”
He laughed. “No. I bought him a McLaren Spider. It’s a high-performance sports car he was drooling over at a trade show we caught last time we were in California on business.”
Wine went down the wrong pipe and she choked. “You bought him a car?”
His lips twisted. “To call this a car is an insult. It’s a quarter-of-a-million-dollar machine that can travel up to two hundred and four miles per hour. It’s built for racing so the safety features are extraordinary, yet it’s luxurious as well.”
Her jaw unhinged as she stared at him. She’d never be able to conceive that type of money. The fact that Lucian had it freaked her out. Sure, he lived in the lap of luxury and invited her to many fancy places, but good grief! She couldn’t justify buying nongeneric cheese.
When she continued to gawk, he placed his fork on the gold filigree rim of his dish and asked, “What?”
“You bought him a quarter-of-a-million-dollar car! What do you mean, what?”
He shrugged. “Shamus is a good friend.”
She scoffed. “I can’t even comprehend why such a thing costs so much. And who in their right mind wants to go that fast? Where do you even go to drive that fast?”
“The Autobahn.”
“What’s that?”
“A federal expressway in Germany with no speed limit.”
“Are you trying to kill him so he stops dating your sister?”
He frowned and she winced, regretting her words. He wouldn’t find that joke funny, not after losing his ex-lover in a motorcycle accident. “No. I thought he’d like it, but now you have me second-guessing my gift.”
She shook her head. Who spent that kind of money on gifts? “What did you buy your sisters for their last birthdays?”
He tilted his head as he thought about his answer. “Well, I gave Toni her condo, and Isadora—she’s a little more difficult to please—I gave a chateau in Italy. She visits there each August.”
Her skin felt heavy on her face. There was no precedent set to react to such an outlay of money. “Don’t ever spend that kind of money on me.”
He pursed his lips and said, “Are you finished eating?”
Yes, she couldn’t stomach another bite. “Yes.”
“Come sit with me. We need to talk.”
Her stomach twisted. Each step toward the sofa was heavy with trepidation. Her body settled beside him and she waited. Whatever he needed to say was going to be big. She could sense it.
He loosened his tie, the shadowy skin of his throat as tanned as the back of his hands. Once he settled comfortably into the cushions, he announced, “This isn’t working for me.”
The blood drained from her face in a whoosh that left her dizzy. “What?” she croaked.
“Our situation, it isn’t enough for me. I want more.”
Shockingly, no tears filled her eyes. His words trod over her like little daggers, each one burying itself deep in her heart. It was too much, too much agony, too much reality, too much shock.
Warmth surrounded her fingers. “Hey, you’re shaking. Evelyn, take a breath. Do you want some water?”
She must have nodded, because he stood and returned a moment later with a glass of cold water. She guzzled the entire thing and still was thirsty.
Where would she go? Back to her apartment, she supposed. But then what? She couldn’t go back to that place where she and Lucian didn’t exist.
She’d become so dependent upon him being in her life. Shock was an agony she could cauterize. She’d thought, after the last twenty-four hours, they’d reached a place of security and agreement.
He came for her, said he loved her, and she loved him. Love was all she could offer, but her ever-present fear of not being enough cut her down quick, and she choked on a sob as everything she held so dearly threatened to rip away.
“Maybe you should lie down. I should have waited to talk to you about this until after you rested.”
She had the instinct to run, but her body was so numb she feared she’d barely be able to stand. Her throat was dry. It was work to swallow. When she managed to produce a normal amount of saliva in her mouth, she asked, “Why?”
“Well, for one, I want you living under my roof. This nonsense of living apart is a step in the wrong direction for us and—”
“Wait, what? I thought you were breaking up with me.”
His eyes widened as he drew back in apparent shock. “Why the hell would you think that?” He actually sounded angry.
“Because you said it wasn’t working out, that you wanted more.”
“Yes. More of you!”
Oh. As her mouth hollowed around th
e silent word, she blew out a shaky breath.
“Evelyn, I’ve told you, you’re not getting rid of me. Ever.”
A tumultuous smile stretched her lips as pure satisfaction purred from somewhere within her chest.
“Can we talk now?” he asked, face tight, reflecting a cross between amusement and suspicion.
Her confidence slowly reestablished itself. “Yes. Let’s talk.”
Watchfully, he nodded. “Like I was saying, I want more. I know things have . . . escalated between us. I doubt either of us predicted falling in love, but I do love you and you love me. I’m not going to press for marriage until you let me know you’re ready, but I see no need for this distance. There are certain things I need in life and you’re one of them. I want you here, by my side, always there when I wake up in the morning.”
Images of her apartment broke away like figments of clay. Moments ago, the idea of having only her apartment to return to seemed like the most desolate end. It was only an inanimate structure. When she mistakenly thought she was losing Lucian, she realized how lifeless and empty her place truly was without him. But she wanted them both. She wanted her independence and him. That apartment symbolized more than four walls to her.
“I can stay over, but I won’t give up my home, Lucian. It’s important I have a place outside of what you give me.”
“Why?” This obviously wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but he seemed to be open to discussion.
“Because I’ve never had such a thing, and I won’t give it up before the novelty wears off.”
“But you expect the luxury of having your own place to wear off?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know what to expect. All I know is what I want. I want you and I want my own home. If you want me, you’ll have to compromise and accept that this is something I need right now.”
If she were being honest, she missed living with him as well. But this was an important stepping-stone for her. She was proving she could stand on her own two feet. Lucian should understand that, being that he held such high regard for control. He’d shown her firsthand how empowering control should be, and she was finally taking charge of herself.
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