by E. McNew
When we arrived at our destination, I instantly recognized the hotel. We were staying in the same hotel that our grandparents took us to when we were little kids. It had an outdoor patio with a beautiful fishpond and giant Koi fish. I immediately had a flashback in time, about sixteen years ago, where I was standing in the same exact place feeding these fish. My grandparents were sitting at the table to my left, and I ran to them and gave them both long hugs. It was all so familiar, and my grandparents made it feel that much better. For a short while, I forgot about everything that was worrying me and making me anxious. I was just happy to be in this temporary time warp. My grandparents still saw me as the little girl that I was desperately searching for, and because they still saw her, I knew that she was still in me - somewhere…hiding…but still there. I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed my grandma and grandpa.
After getting settled in our hotel room, I met my sister’s soon-to-be husband for the first time. The groomsmen were all in another hotel room living it up with jack and coke. I was watching everyone as they poured themselves drinks to celebrate. I wasn’t supposed to be drinking at all, but I asked for my own anyway. With my mother’s close (and almost glued to me) eye, and my twin sister with me, I knew that nothing could get out of control. I was too anxious to not have a drink. We had a fun night and I was excited for tomorrow to come. We were going to be having the rehearsal dinner. Merri bought me a cute polka-dot dress and I wanted to wear it. It had been a long time since I had a reason to dress up.
The night of the rehearsal dinner, we all piled into a few vehicles and designated some sober adult drivers for the wild groomsmen. The restaurant was amazing. It was like walking down to an underground jungle. We even had to take an elevator to get to the very bottom. It was like nothing I had seen before. So far, besides Lilah, everything was going just fine. That was until I saw my dad and stepmom sitting at a table talking with some of the groom’s relatives. They didn’t see me notice them. I quickly turned away and stepped outside. I was panicking at first and then broke down crying again. This time I couldn’t figure out why. Seeing my dad sparked probably every emotion I had ever felt, all in one moment. I was overwhelmed. I puffed on a cigarette and tried to tell my mom what was wrong. I was sad, mad, confused and let down. I didn’t know if I was feeling let down by him or let down from myself. The last time I saw him was when he confronted me after seeing Derrick and I walk out of my apartment that April morning. After that incident, he tried to visit me in jail to tell me that my grandfather had passed away, but I refused his visit. I thought he was coming to lecture me or make me feel even worse. When I found out what the real reason was after speaking to my mom on the payphone the next day, I felt like a total jerk. I was sniffling for the rest of the night. If I saw him smile, it would cause me to miss him and despise him all at the same time. After the rehearsal, everyone packed into the vehicles and retired for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a big day and there was not going to be room for anyone to be hung over. Merri’s friend and I drank until the alcohol was gone. She listened to my problems, and she made it clear that she had my back and didn’t like Lilah because of the way she treated me. I thought it was so nice that she immediately gave me support after just meeting me and possibly hearing who-knows-what from who-knows-who at the rehearsal. This girl was awesome.
The next morning we woke up around 9:00 am. We all had to go to the salon to get our hair done and get ready for the ceremony. I was slightly hung over, but after eating I felt much better. Of course I hid this from most of my family. My rationing was that it was probably better to be an alcoholic than a drug addict, right?
The music started, and suddenly we were walking down the aisle to take our places for the ceremony. It was a beautiful ceremony, and my sister looked like a princess. The next hour was spent in the church taking post-nuptial photographs with the wedding party and guests, and then we were off to the reception. I was the most excited about this. When I left my house, I told Derrick that I wanted him to pick me up a few hours into the ceremony. I figured that I was going to be really miserable the entire time and that I would be wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. He called me around noon to say he was on his way, and Danielle was with him. We had an overnight visit with her scheduled for that day. Since the drive was five hours, I figured that I would have plenty of time to hang out with my sister and have dinner at the reception. He would have to make stops to feed and change Danielle, and if he came too early, he would surely give me time to at least finish eating. My grandparents and uncles had been asking about Danielle from the time I arrived. I had to explain that I only had her a few days out of the week at that point. I knew that they all wanted to see her, so I had planned to bring her to the reception for a few minutes before I had to leave. Derrick knew the situation, and I didn’t think he’d mind.
After the newly married couple danced, dinner was served to the more than two hundred guests. As the appetizers came out, the D.J. approached the wedding party’s table and asked us who wanted to make the first toast. Shit. I thought, avoiding his eyes. Not it! I mentally exclaimed as I casually turned away. The real problem was that I was scared as all hell. I knew that a good portion of the people in the room, from close family to friends of family I’d known my entire life, to an entirely new extended family, had probably heard at least something terrible about me at some point in the last year. Everyone from the bride’s guest list knew that I had babies. About half of them were at my own wedding four years earlier. Although probably unintentional, their blank smiles and unsure eyes said it all. They knew my babies were gone, and they knew they weren’t coming back to the family. I knew that they all knew this because not one person ever asked me where the girls were. I surrendered to the fact that it would be best for me to just stay silent and make sure that Merri knew that I loved her and that I was happy for her before I left.
The guys gave their speeches. One of them was already hilariously trashed. Valerie was next. She recalled the days that she and Merri spent in basic training and some other cute stories. Lilah was nowhere to be found (go figure) and Jessica was last. Her speech was nice, short and sweet.
I’VE GOT A MILLION MORE THINGS TO SAY THAN THAT! THESE PEOPLE DON’T KNOW MY TWIN!! I affirmed to myself as I eagerly hopped out of my chair after kicking my shoes off. I grabbed the mic from the D.J. as he was bringing it back to his station. Not thinking twice, I walked onto the dance floor where the others had given their toasts.
The room grew silent.
As I stood in front of my twin sister, my best friend, and my right hand from my first breath of life, I saw the same bright-eyed, blond little pipsqueak three-year-old that shared some of the most precious childhood memories with me that any two kids could share. Running on green grass, building forts in the woods, plotting to terrorize our mom, beating each other up in school, and loving each other so much we couldn’t stand it, all flashed before my eyes. Tears welled up in my eyes as I recalled my twin sister patting me on the back when we were only ten, and telling me it was okay to cry after being worried sick over our young mother’s recent diagnosis of illness. It was okay to cry. She saw everything I was seeing. Words weren’t even necessary, but I somehow managed to tell the story of Lizzie and Merri…for everyone to hear. When I was done with giving my toast and everyone cheered, I walked back to my seat to her right. We were so eager to hug that we almost missed a few times. Regardless of my personal battles, I would have never missed an opportunity to publicly tell my best friend how much she means to me.
I’ll never forget how sad I became when my phone rang that day. We were in the middle of eating a delicious dinner and the party was barely getting started. It was Derrick. He had arrived to pick me up much earlier than I expected. My heart sank. “Well since I’m in the middle of eating dinner, can I have a little more time?” I begged. “You got to be fuckin’ kidding me. I just made a five-hour drive and you want me to just sit here in the parking lot with our kid
in the back? Not happening.” He was practically yelling at me. I hung up the phone and Merri knew what was happening. “You have to go, huh?” she asked. My chin started to quiver as I was trying very hard to fight my tears. “It’s ok Liz, I understand,” she said. Her friend Valerie offered to walk me out since Merri was busy being the new happy bride. Before we left the building, I stopped at the table where my entire family was seated to say goodbye. I gave everyone hugs, and my grandparents and Uncle Tony asked me where Danielle was. “She is out in the car,” I told them. “Well bring her in! I want to see my great niece,” my uncle said in a playful demanding way. I pulled my phone out of my purse to call Derrick to see if he would mind if I brought her in for a few minutes. “Hell no! If they can’t even be around me, what makes you think I am going to let them be around my daughter? Nope. Not happening.” I hung the phone up again and started crying even more this time around. I couldn’t handle the conflict mixed with so many emotions of anger, confusion and loss. My family members had a look of disappointment on their faces, and I walked out of the building sobbing. Valerie walked me to the car that was parked toward the back of the parking lot. I dried my tears and doted on Danielle as I stepped to the side for Valerie to say hello to her. She gave me a hug and I got into the passenger seat, not knowing when the next time would be that I would have the chance to be in the same room as my entire family again. The reunions were becoming more few and far between, and I had a feeling that I wouldn’t get to see everyone again for a long time.
Derrick was in a better mood once we started to drive. He was asking me questions about how my time was, and I answered them in a monotone manner. I was angry with him. It suddenly became clear to me that he was the exact reason why I was not an active part of my family as I always had been. He was the reason why I couldn’t even introduce them to my daughter. I felt empty and sad the further away we drove. I couldn’t handle any more, and I broke down crying. “I…I’m just sad because I didn’t realize how much I missed my family until I saw them again…I don’t want to live like this!” I cried. “You have got to be kidding me!” he yelled. He abruptly pulled to the side of the road into an empty lot with nothing but dirt and trees. My adrenaline was pumping and I couldn’t understand why he had become so violently mad. “GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!” He yelled. “Dude! What the hell? I’m not allowed to be upset that I never get to see my family anymore?” “GET OUT OF THIS CAR. NOW!” I could tell that he was serious. I grabbed my purse off of the car floor and opened the passenger door stepping out into the mud. It was lightly raining. I thought that if he really did leave, I could probably call my mom and she’d find someone to come pick me up - although I didn’t even know where I was. In defeat, I sat on a log and waited. Derrick was sitting in the idling Jeep and Danielle was getting fussy. I said nothing to him. I wouldn’t even look in his direction. If he wanted me to get back into the car with him, he was going to have to do a ton of sweet talk and apologize. After about ten minutes, he did just that. The rest of the ride home was quiet and I resented him irreversibly.
Chapter 52
I worked extra hard in all of my classes and went to every meeting that I could get to. As far as I could tell, Derrick also was staying clean. The visits with our daughter, Danielle, were going as scheduled, and I loved taking her to the front yard with me to look at all the pretty flowers I had planted. It was like a temporary retreat and always put me into a hypnotic meditative state. She was getting to that adorable age where her personality was coming out and it was effortless to get her to smile. During our next hearing, we would find out if the Judge would approve for her to permanently come home. This would not mean that we’d be out of the system, but at least until the case was closed, she could be with us.
I took her with me to my next Drug Court Hearing just a few weeks before the official hearing for custody was scheduled. Halloween was coming up, so the Judge and Supervisors of the program decided to have a Halloween-style Drug Court meeting. I wasn’t going to look like an idiot and dress up, but Derrick’s mom ordered Danielle an adorable costume that I wanted for her. It was a baby lamb outfit. She looked so pathetically cute it was ridiculous. When the Judge called my name, I walked up to the desk holding my little lamb. He shuffled through the paperwork as usual. “So I heard that you taught Danielle how to clap?” He curiously asked with a slight grin on his face. The Judge was a kind, older man who sincerely cared about the families who were going through this hell. He was evenly spoken and had a mixed look of compassion yet accountability in his eyes. “Danielle, clap!” I said to her in my annoying squeaky voice. She excitedly clapped as she made some baby-babble noise, and the whole room made those “aaawhh” and “so precious” comments. If only clapping my hands together could get them to adore me just as much…I thought.
The two weeks came and went, and it was time for Court again. Derrick’s mother flew into town again to show her support. She knew how nervous we were and how hard we were working. Obviously, we didn’t tell her about our slip-up. A few days before Court arrived, our Social Worker randomly arrived at our house. We had Danielle with us, as we did more often than not lately. “Here, Derrick, I’m sorry it’s last minute, but if you can go and get this taken care of before Court, it will help with the Judge’s decision,” he said as he handed him a piece of paper. “Ok, no problem,” Derrick confidently responded. When the Social Worker left, I asked Derrick what the form was. “Oh it’s just a drug test,” he said. “No big deal.” I was relieved to see his reaction, because it confirmed to me that Derrick had indeed been clean.
The next day we pulled into the parking lot for the office where the test was scheduled. Derrick’s mother was at our house with Danielle, and I decided to wait in the car. I mainly went along for the ride because I wanted to stop and get food on the way back. About five minutes after Derrick entered the building, which was surrounded by other offices, I saw him walking slowly back to the Jeep with the form in his hand. By the way he was walking and the look on his face, I could tell he was mad. He got back into the driver’s seat and turned on the car. “What is wrong?” I nervously asked. “They’re trying to take a hair sample, that’s what’s wrong!” he practically yelled. “Derrick, it’s probably been over four months since we messed up. Why are you so freaked out?” I demanded. “Because, it’s not going to be clean alright?” he shot back. “What the hell? When was the last time you did it? I thought you were clean this whole time!” I yelled. I could feel me face heating up every passing second. “I did some shit with Jeff like two weeks ago. We had a ton of shit to do and I didn’t know they were going to test my hair!” he yelled back. “Derrick, you have to take it,” I sternly said. “If you don’t take it, they’re going to count it as a dirty test anyway and we’ll have no chance.” I reasoned with him and he finally went back in to take the test. He did shave his head about a week ago. I should have known. He was trying to cover his worst-case scenario. I was so sick of his lies and his deceit. I wanted him to fail the test. I already had it planned out if he did.
The next morning, we met the foster care lady at the office and we all headed to Court together. She had a box of Danielle’s things that the foster mom packed for her. They were already assuming that Danielle was coming home. I wasn’t sure if anyone had the test results yet, but I assumed that the test was either negative or they were still waiting for the overnight results to come in. Derrick, his mother and Danielle headed out for the car, and I made it a point to pull the Foster Worker aside before exiting the building. I quietly whispered, “Can you relay a message for me if something unexpected happens?” I asked. I definitely had her attention. She looked concerned and confused. “Sure Elizabeth, what is it?” “Derrick acted a little strange yesterday when he found out that his drug test was going to be a hair follicle test. I’m not saying that I think he’s been using drugs, but if that test comes back positive, I need the entire Court to know that I WILL leave him to get my baby back.” I tried to hide the stre
ss from my eyes, but I’m sure it was obvious. “Of course I’ll tell them. I’ll just give your Social Worker a call on the way to Court to give him a heads up, is that okay?” “Yes, I would appreciate that, thank you,” I said as I rushed out to meet the rest of the family in the car. I didn’t want them to know what I had just said.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I was nervous and worried, but I did feel better that I at least said something to someone about it. There was no way in hell I was going to be away from my daughter again because I was with a low-life drug addict. I felt somewhat liberated.
Our case was the first to be called. My stomach was in knots, and I was happy that Derrick’s mother was holding Danielle at the moment. I needed to be able to compose myself in case the worst was about to be announced. The Judge started doing the usual with going over paperwork, and he didn’t point out any sort of negative drug test. Once he was done with the overview of our progress, I immediately knew that Derrick had somehow passed that test. I was confused and relieved. The Social Workers all talked highly about our progress and recommended that Danielle come home permanently. Once they made that verbal recommendation, I knew that she would get to come home for good. “The Court grants both parents permanent custody of the minor child, and will put another six months of services in place.” The Clerk handed me a card with the next Court date, which was six months away, and we were done. We got our baby back. It had been the most difficult, heartbreaking last eight months, but I somehow got through it. My baby was coming home for good and I could rest easy knowing that I wouldn’t have to give her back. Everyone was very happy for us and excitement filled the air as we packed up and drove home. I called my mom and told her the good news right away, and I truly felt like I was a stronger person for getting through the hoops of fire.
