by E. McNew
I had a more than typical attachment to Derrick. I read somewhere and at some point, that when a couple goes through a trauma together, it either rips them apart, or brings them closer together. Derrick always told me that he went through everything right there with me. He may have been a part of the investigation, but he didn’t go through what I did. When Zoe was in he hospital, he didn’t suffer through a four-day hospital stay helplessly watching his own child being treated like a guinea pig to intern doctors. He didn’t have to see his child being put under anesthesia as she collapsed in his arms. He didn’t have to hear that his child had been given highly toxic chemicals that could have killed her. He didn’t go through shit.
I would think about the same things night after night, yet never allow it to click in my head that it was time to leave. My ration was that I had already lost the girls. I stuck with Derrick for this long, and it would have all been for nothing if I left. I had to stick to what I believed. It couldn’t be anything in the middle. I was going to stay with Derrick because that’s what I chose to do after the trauma. I made my bed, and I was laying in it.
A week before the six month review for the custody case, I had my last Drug Court meeting. I didn’t know it was going to be my last though. When I walked in, my Attorney excitedly told me that they were going to graduate me. I was really happy about this, but I was also shocked and unprepared. My case was called along with the others so the Judge could determine if he would agree or disagree on each recommendation, which in my case was graduation.
“I…I just don’t think I’m ready to set her free yet,” he said out loud as he was scuffling through my thick folder of progress reports. “Your Honor,” my Attorney spoke up, “Ms. Jeter has completed everything and more that the Court and Social Services has asked of her. Unless there is an objection that I’m unaware of, I think it’s time to let Elizabeth move forward with her life.” “The Department agrees, Your Honor,” the Attorney for the Social Services Department added. After Danielle’s State Attorney spoke up on my behalf, as well as Olga, the Judge finally gave in. He agreed to graduate me from Drug Court. Drug Court was probably the most intense hearing I had to attend. Its primary focus was accountability. The spotlight was on me - and every single move I did or didn’t make. I knew in my gut that I really wasn’t ready to move forward, but I wasn’t about to make an objection. It would confuse everyone and prolong being stuck in the system.
After all of the cases were called, Olga called the names out of those who were moving on from Drug Court and asked us to stand up and follow her to the back room. I was totally confused and almost died of embarrassment when I saw what was hanging on the wall - about ten burgundy colored caps and gowns. Oh…my…God… I thought to myself as I felt my face turning bright red. This is not happening. I feel like I’m graduating from kindergarten again! I was at least holding Danielle in my arms, so she was giving me something to do besides awkwardly stand there, swimming in a burgundy gown. Then it got worse. From the back room of the Court, I heard the song start playing - the graduation big-deal-symphony thing. I made sure to get behind everyone else. I wanted to hide so badly. As we walked out to the floor of the Courtroom, the other Drug Court families and the Court Staff started loudly applauding. Oh…my…God…I thought to myself, again. Olga walked up to each of us and put a sash around our shoulders and handed us flowers and gift baskets. When I saw that there was candy in my gift basket, I became a little more excited. The Judge gave his “congratulations” speech, my Lawyer gave me a genuine look of approval and kissed me on the cheek, and I was all done. I’ll never forget my Lawyer offering such a sincere gesture of love and concern for me on that day. She had been the only person, in a long while, whom I had gotten that from.
Chapter 54
I had finished Drug Court. I was no longer ordered to attend a specific number of meetings every week. I had completed my outpatient treatment, and besides Probation, I was almost finished with everything. I was still subject to random drug testing, but they didn’t call me in one time during those last few weeks. I was in the final stretch.
Up until the big Court date that would determine if the case with the CPS was going to close, I still attended meetings and made sure to walk a straight line. I knew that they could pull any sort of random stunt at the last minute so they could be sure that we were really clean. Derrick had claimed to be clean, but ever since the drug test incident, I knew that his word was as good as gone. I always called him out whenever he appeared to have that look on his face, but it never did any good. If anything it would cause an argument. I continued to work up until a few days before the Court date. I had been late one too many times, and the boss lady was fed up. So was I. Danielle attended daycare in the mornings and Derrick refused to drop her off. In addition, it took me longer to get ready to leave for work because I’m a female. It was the same place that Chloe and Zoe once went to. Of course, the staff had a general idea of the situation. They were, after all, subpoenaed to the custody hearing, where I had to go back and recall every vivid, painstaking moment. When I was already fifteen minutes late and had not even left the house yet, I sat on the couch in defeat after changing a last minute dirty diaper. My boss had warned me yesterday, that if I were late again she would have to let me go. I couldn’t argue with her, because I was indeed ten minutes late minimum, every day. Plus I was kind of ready for a break anyway. I called my boss ready to face the situation. “I’m sorry, the baby…” “Honey I love you, you have done great working for me, but I need someone who can promise to be on time every day. It’s just not going to work out,” she interrupted. I could hear the frustration in her voice, but she was still as nice as she could be about it. “Okay, I understand, and thank you for everything,” I sincerely responded. “You’re welcome baby, I’ll let you know if I have any smaller jobs you can help with.” We hung up and that was that. I was bummed and kind of embarrassed, but also kind of happy that I could kick off my shoes and do nothing for a while.
Doing nothing was a bad idea. When I had nothing to do, my thoughts raced through my mind constantly. These were mostly my thoughts of my girls, whom I missed and just wanted to hold so desperately. Then I would think about what happened - and who caused it. Then I wondered if I were safe and if Danielle was safe. After the cycle of flashbacks and anxiety, I’d shut it down. I’m fine. Obviously he didn’t do that. He’d be in jail. It was just some freak accident.
My days were slow and boring. I took care of Danielle during the days, watched her watch Sesame Street, fed her peaches or carrots, and so on. I was eager to get to the meetings by the time night rolled around and Derrick came home. He came with me a few times, to show his support. During the last meeting I recalled him attending, he actually said he was an addict before he began to speak. I was floored. I glanced over to my sponsor with a sly smirk on my face. She knew exactly what I was thinking. Accomplishment! It may be a baby step, but it’s progress! This gave me a bit of hope and comfort. Derrick displayed some sort of character showing humanistic qualities versus his normal overly superior, egotistical one. I was still running the Thursday night meetings and met the group of women at the beach for my last lead. The summer had come, and it was staying light out longer. We bumped the time back an hour so we could meet at the beach. It was a perfect place to take an inventory of our thoughts and actions and just allow ourselves to be human and in recovery. The sunshine brought a natural high, and we had some pretty deep discussions. We were sitting in our circle that day and talking about the beauty of enjoying life sober. I had just begun to speak my turn. “Elizabeth, addi…” when BOOM!
“What the hell was that?” I said in a panic. It sounded like a car crashed in the parking lot. All of the women quickly turned their heads toward the loud noise of impact. “Whaaaaaa-aaaaaah!” Oh no. Oh my God! My mind raced as adrenaline pumped through my veins. One of the little kids was screaming. The group of kids were all playing together close to the mothers in the vacant parking lot about
twenty feet from where we were sitting. It was Emily’s daughter, Aleah. Aleah was barely three at the time. Everyone raced over to the scene in a panic, screaming. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it if she was seriously hurt. Ever since I woke up that morning and witnessed what I witnessed with Zoe, I was extremely sensitive to any sort of pain or fear that a child may be facing. Derrick and I had some battles over this because I was constantly so worried that something bad could happen to Danielle. I was over-protective to the point of it causing anxiety for the entire family. I tried to contain it, but I even feared leaving Danielle alone with him for just an hour.
As I approached the scene, I saw the little girl kicking and screaming as she was lying on the pavement of the dented car next to her. There was a heavy woman about thirty feet away from the damaged vehicles, belligerent and flailing around drunk. Her shirt was too small, and her rolls were freely flailing along with her arms. The mother of the little girl was in a panic trying to keep her still in case she had a spinal injury. The paramedics along with the police arrived in about five minutes. The beautiful and serene afternoon had quickly transformed into uncertain chaos. The paramedics quickly strapped the little girl to a backboard and reassured her mom that it was a good sign that she was aware enough to be so upset and screaming and crying like she was. After mom and daughter left in the ambulance, the police determined that the little girl didn’t take a direct hit, thankfully. She was playing on the other side of the vehicle (which belonged to my sponsor) that was hit. The impact from that vehicle was what caused her to fall to the cement. It took the police officers a full hour to get the woman into the back of the patrol car. They had to call for extra backup because the woman was dead weight at that point. A few hundred pounds of dead body-weight apparently takes some strong manpower to transport. When all was said and done, those of us who were still at the scene ended the day by closing out with saying a prayer for the little girl who was hurt, and also for the woman responsible. It was ironic what happened that day. It was proof that while one person’s reality can be full of hope and content, there could be another person just a few feet away on the brink of death, or even worse, causing a death. It’s the only certain guarantee in life. Everything in life has a polar opposite. I was thankful that I had been able to attach to the positive side. I was also feeling stupid for the many mistakes I had allowed myself to make over the years. Most importantly, I realized that life was constantly going to be full of pain and uncertainty. I was hurting and aching over the absence of Chloe and Zoe, but I was so incredibly happy that they were alive and well. One day, I just might have a chance to hold them again. I told myself I would never, ever go back to living like that again.
Besides the occasional emotional distress I was in, everything at home seemed to be going in a good direction. Our custody hearing had arrived before I knew it. I was nervous in the lobby as usual, but I wasn’t nearly as nervous as I had been on prior occasions. We were called in by the Bailiff and walked to the Defendant’s table to sit next to our Public Defenders. It was pretty pathetic that this had become routine for us, but I was hopeful that it was all about to come to a close.
“Your Honor,” the Social Services Attorney began, “I can’t begin to express how thoroughly impressed the department is with the mother and father of Danielle. I’m sure I speak with most of us when I say that we all saw little to zero hope for this family back when the case first began. They’ve gone above and beyond what we’ve asked of them not giving us any reason to doubt their ability as parents in the process. We’re proud to recommend that the department should close this case.” I was stunned to tears. I had extreme feelings of guilt for screwing up, and I felt like I had been deceiving. On the other hand, I was still proud of myself for trying as hard as I could. My efforts were not going unnoticed, and that was showing to be true in this very moment.
Every official in the Court had something nice to say about us that day. I expected that the hearing would be the typical, emotionless ruling. Even the Judge said very sincere words of praise and kindness. He ruled in favor of all involved and closed the case. We were free from this nightmare - the nightmare that ripped my newborn baby away from me just a year before. I proved to myself that despite the circumstances, I could achieve anything that I put my mind to. When all odds were entirely against me, and the likelihood of getting Danielle back home was slim to none, I still did it. Leaving the Court felt as if a thousand pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders. It was exciting and I was looking forward to really beginning my life.
My Probation Officer had agreed to help me get off of Probation early, or at least try, by scheduling a Court Hearing and offering his recommendation. The whole reason for this was so we could pack up and move to Texas. With everything going so well in the past few months, I was no longer 100% sure that I wanted to leave my hometown. We began to socialize more and had friends over for barbeques and weekend camping trips. It was easing into summer and the weather was perfect. I wasn’t ashamed to go out in public as I had once been. I felt normal again, and I felt as if I were better understood and maybe even forgiven for my mistakes. Being with Derrick and having our baby together wasn’t something that felt like a shameful thing at this point. I had confessed and owned up to my mistakes to myself and to the Court, and they all knew this. Derrick was another story and was great at putting up a front. He was so great at this that even a Judge, who had probably seen it all, couldn’t see beyond his lies and false claims. He hadn’t been 100% honest to me or to the Court about his sobriety, and I wondered how often he had been using drugs on the side. All of these thoughts were brewing in my subconscious, but it was easier to brush them to the side. Things were looking promising and I had to accept that.
My Court Hearing was two months away, and I knew that passing months were probably my last in my hometown. We were already looking into the cost of moving, and Derrick’s mother already had offered to pay for the expenses that we couldn’t take on. Derrick continued working, and I stayed at home with Danielle. I had some friends who also had young babies come over once in a while during the day just to have something to do. One of these friends was someone I had met years ago who had a short fling with Donnie back when Derrick and I first started dating. She then met someone new and ended up having a baby. She claimed to be clean, but I wondered if she really was. Any person that was associated with Donnie and Derrick was a drug user. Most of them were still using drugs. We would occasionally look back and remember the days of getting high and fixing things that weren’t broken. She saw it as more of a humorous thing, because she hadn’t suffered the dire consequences that I had. It was hard for me to ever smile in response to her memoires.
One afternoon after Derrick had gotten off of work, I knew something fishy was going on when he called me into the kitchen. He never called me into his proximity for something unimportant. He was smoking a cigarette under the kitchen fan, and Danielle was in her high chair finishing her dinner. I had no idea what was going on, but I knew that it couldn’t be bad because he was in a good mood. He looked over at Danielle. “All right Danielle, are you ready for this?” She smiled and clapped. Oh God. This is awkward - really awkward. I think I know what he’s about to do. As I was sitting on the kitchen counter near the stove, nervously puffing on my cigarette, he turned in my direction and pulled something out of his pocket. He opened a box that had a shiny gold ring with hearts cut from diamonds. “Will you marry me?” he asked.
Chapter 55
Once I saw the ring, I became more excited than nervous. I definitely was shocked at this proposal. It was completely unexpected. I had periodically been nagging him about our future and how I thought he needed to make up his mind. I thought that if I was going to be living a life that my family did not approve of, among many others, I might as well do it the best way that I could. Or at least live in a way that I thought was morally the best way possible. For Danielle’s sake as well, I wanted us, as her parents, to be a good exampl
e. She needed to grow up with us being married as a committed family unit.
“Of course I’ll marry you!” I shyly said as I put the ring on my finger. I felt my face turning red and Derrick was kind enough to point it out. I told him to shut up as I buried my face in my hands. He kissed me and I told him that I loved him. “Yay. I’m excited. Look at mommy’s ring Danielle!” I said as I walked over to her and kissed her head. Without considering the fact that my family disliked Derrick with a passion, I went to my computer to send them an email along with a picture of my ring. I figured it would be best to break the news through an email than over the phone. I didn’t want to call and let the excitement I was feeling become destroyed and ruined with guilt. Derrick called his parents to tell them the news, and of course, they were excited. I felt a sense of relief, and thought that just maybe all of the troubles we had encountered over the last few years had made us closer and taught Derrick a lesson on the value of life. He was still coming home every day appearing to be clean, and good events were continuing to unfold. Perhaps this has caused us to become somewhat complacent.
