by Lois Richer
But Rick knew that could never be. No one could wreak the kind of pain and havoc he had and get away scot-free.
She smiled at him now, as she sat across from him in their now-familiar meeting spot in the cafeteria. He could hear the harshness in his own voice and knew concern underlay it.
“You need to get out of here,” he said, hating how pale she was, and worried by the way her hand trembled when she lifted her coffee cup.
“A few more hours,” she murmured, closing her eyes to savor the brew. “Fresh staff will arrive then and I’ll be able to leave.”
“Can you last that long?” He struggled to stem his irritation at whoever had asked her to keep working when she was obviously so exhausted.
“Oh, Rick, how can you ask that?” She shook her head at him and for a moment her lovely brown eyes sparkled with a hint of mischief. “Don’t you know ‘I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me’?”
He had to smile. In spite of all the difficulty she’d endured, or perhaps because of it, Cassie’s faith had grown by leaps and bounds this week. He’d overheard her quoting an encouraging verse to another staff member. She’d even told him yesterday that seeing the precariousness of life had made her realize she needed to keep her faith strong. For that Rick gave praise.
“I’m not the only one who’s overworked,” she said. “You’ve been run off your feet looking after everyone, haven’t you?” Her big brown eyes peeked through the stray strands of blond curls that tumbled onto her forehead. “I hope you’re taking care of yourself.”
“Don’t worry about me.” Rick had made up his mind that today, he would finally tell her what he’d done to her father. And yet as he sat here, looking at her, feeling what he felt for her, he realized he couldn’t do it.
The knowledge shook him to the core. How could he be so weak, so selfish?
“I do worry about you, Rick.” Cassie’s eyes sent his a silent message that made his skin hum. His fingers itched to push that tendril of gold off her face. “I’m going to go finish my shift.” She stood and looked at him for a moment longer, clearly giving him an opportunity to say something more. When he didn’t, she gave him a tired smile and turned.
“I’ll talk to you later,” he called to her.
She waved a hand and kept going.
Rick left the hospital moments later. He needed to pray for strength to tell the truth. The fact that he had been tempted to keep quiet, to let the silence about his past continue, was unbearable.
Because he now realized that Cassie cared for him. The look in her eyes, the way she’d touched him—suddenly everything was clear. She felt about him the same way he felt about her.
Not my will, but Thine, he repeated in his mind over and over again, feeling his heart crack as he drove to the church.
*
Cassie stood outside the hospital and drew the frosty March air into her lungs. It felt so good to finally escape the sickness and loss, to let the sunshine warm her skin.
She saw a dark-haired man bend to lift a child from a car and her heart stopped. Rick. She opened her mouth to call out, then realized it wasn’t him at all.
She laughed out loud. Rick was so much a part of her, in her mind and her heart, that she thought of him constantly. Those moments in the cafeteria—when she’d finally realized that she loved Rick as she’d never loved before—had been the start of exploring a new vision of what her future could be, a future that she’d never dreamed was possible.
Rick filled her mind and her senses, her dreams and her waking moments. He was everything a man should be: strong without being overbearing, gentle but firm when necessary, caring, committed, thoughtful. The list could go on and she’d never fully describe the man who’d come to mean the world to her.
And he cared about Noah.
Thank You for giving me this love, she prayed as she walked toward her car in the staff parking lot. Please help me now.
She needed help because she was going to tell Rick how she felt. She was going to bare her heart to him and trust that he returned her love, that God would work it out.
Cassie kept a steady stream of prayers flowing as she unplugged her car’s block heater, then sat inside and waited for the engine to warm up. Doubts crept in, making her wonder if today was the right day, if this was the right time, if Rick would reject her. But Cassie resolutely pushed away her uncertainties and recited verses she’d memorized, verses designed to build her trust in God.
As she did, an idea flickered through her mind. So often she asked God for things, just as Noah often asked her. Before the flu epidemic, he’d pestered her about taking boxing lessons. Cassie had staunchly refused. She’d attended a boxing match once with Eric and had been appalled, so she’d remained adamantly against her son being subjected to such violence.
Did God feel the same when He refused things His children pleaded for, things He knew would be detrimental to them? He was her heavenly Father, He loved and cared for her. Sometimes He said no to her requests because He knew what was best.
Wouldn’t God, like any other parent, appreciate being thanked?
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving and a thanks offering, and into His courts with praise! Be thankful and say so to Him, bless and affectionately praise His name.
When was the last time she’d thanked God for anything?
With a grimace, Cassie shoved a CD in the player and let the heart-lifting melodies soak in. After ten minutes, immensely cheered by her private worship service and with the car giving off a toasty heat, she pulled out of her parking spot.
As she drove to Rick’s home, she couldn’t help noticing the brilliance of the sun. The days were longer now. Easter was just two weeks away. She wondered how the choir and band were doing. Rick had said nothing about practice, probably because he didn’t want to worry her when she was so involved with her patients. But Noah had told her during their daily phone call that the group kept practicing.
Singing was the one thing she and Noah could consistently talk about without arguing.
Cassie’s mood continued to lift the closer she got to Rick’s house. It stood isolated, alone on the cliff top at the end of the street. His car was there, as well as his snowmobile, so she knew he was home.
The full realization of what she was about to do—bare her heart to this man she’d come to trust—made her pulse thrum with excitement and hope. She pulled into his drive and parked her car.
This was it.
“Be with me, Lord,” she murmured as she walked over the snow, footsteps crunching loudly in the silence of the afternoon. “Soon Rick will know how much I care for him. Please, please let him love me back.” She inhaled then pressed the doorbell.
There was a long delay. Cassie was about to press it a second time when the door was suddenly flung open.
Cassie stared at her son, standing there in some kind of unfamiliar workout clothes with boxing gloves on his hands and a helmet covering his head. She stepped inside and pushed the door closed behind her, frowning.
“Noah? What are you doing?”
“B-boxing with R-Rick.” She could hear the challenge in his voice as he told her, “We p-practice lots. Rick s-says I’m g-getting g-good.”
“Who is it, Noah?” Rick appeared behind her son, also wearing gloves. His welcoming smile bloomed when he saw Cassie. “Hi.”
She ignored the greeting.
“You’re teaching my son to box?” she asked in disbelief. He nodded as if it were a perfectly normal thing to do. “Why?”
“Because he asked me to.” Rick motioned to a chair. “Do you want to sit down? It won’t take a minute for him to change.”
“No, I don’t want to sit down.” Cassie blazed inside. “How could you do this, Rick?”
He blinked, confusion clouding his eyes. “I don’t understand—”
Furious with him, Cassie turned to her son. “What I want to know is why you specifically disobeyed me, Noah.” She held his defiant gaze. “I
refused when you asked me the first time and I kept on refusing,” she reminded. “I know you heard me. So why?”
“Cassie, I didn’t know you’d forbidden it,” Rick interrupted. “I’m truly sorry. I had no idea I was going against your wishes.”
“But you didn’t bother to ask my permission, either, did you? The first time you ever mentioned boxing to Noah, I know you could see that I didn’t like the idea.” That same old wall of distrust began building inside, brick by impenetrable brick. “You should have asked me,” she said.
“D-don’t blame R-Rick!” Noah shouted.
She stared at him, shocked by the fury he directed at her.
“I n-need to d-defend myself.” Scorn filled his bitter words. “Y-You turned your b-back on m-me and everyone else. You c-closed down instead of f-fighting for what you b-believe. I’m n-not g-going to be l-like you, M-Mom.”
“How can you say that?” Bewildered, Cassie could only stare at the son she would gladly give her life for. “Your father—”
“D-dad would n-never have let people diss us l-like you d-did. You g-gave them b-back their m-money, but they k-kept on s-saying we s-stole it and y-you l-let them. You d-didn’t s-stand up for us. Y-You didn’t s-stand up for me.” Tears welled but he dashed them away angrily. “Y-you didn’t even n-notice what I w-was going through.”
“That’s not true.”
“I think we’re finally learning what’s been bothering Noah for so long,” Rick said in a very gentle tone. His arm slid around her shoulder as if to impart strength. Cassie, confused and brimming with suspicion, tried to pull away. But Rick drew her to a chair and urged her into it.
“Listen,” he urged in a whisper. “He needs to say this.”
Cassie could not tear her gaze from his. The tenderness she saw there was a balm to her injured heart. She stared into his green eyes, her confusion growing. Had she been wrong to trust this man? No, her heart whispered. Rick would help her, whatever was wrong. Somehow she knew that one thing was true in spite of the doubts that flooded in.
Finally she nodded.
“You have the floor, Noah.” Cassie saw something unspoken flow between them. “Get it off your chest, but when you’re finished, you’re going to listen to what your mother has to say.”
Noah drew in a deep breath, then turned to her. In unforgiving, bitter language he blamed her for everything that had happened since his father’s death. “I w-was the school f-fool,” he said, his tone blistering. “My f-friends c-called me n-names, said I w-was a crook. They s-said we were u-using the church’s m-money.”
“We weren’t,” she said, unable to remain totally silent under the assault.
“I d-didn’t know th-that. All I knew was that w-we didn’t g-go to ch-church anymore,” Noah said in a cold, hard tone. “Y-you were always w-working. I h-had nobody t-to talk to when it g-got r-really bad. N-nobody believed m-me when I s-said we didn’t t-take the m-money.” His face tightened. “Th-they would h-have believed y-you. B-but you w-wouldn’t s-say anything. I g-got b-beat up b-because you w-wouldn’t t-tell the t-truth.”
A part of Cassie was nearly ecstatic that Noah was finally talking. She prayed that he would finally find healing. Another part of her reeled at his accusations. But as he spoke, her son’s blame, his censure and most of all his feeling of being alone gutted her. All she could do was listen.
At last Noah finished, pale but still defiant. Cassie couldn’t speak.
“So because you were mad at your mother, because you blamed her for the pain you suffered when your dad died, because you needed to feel strong and invincible, that’s why you started picking fights?” Rick said.
Noah bowed his head.
“Picking fights?” Cassie said, her voice raw. “Noah was bullied.”
“No.” Rick shook his head. “Tell her, Noah.” When Noah didn’t respond, Rick continued. “You deliberately picked on other kids, pushing them around until they couldn’t take it anymore and they hit you. Isn’t that true?” Rick asked. After a long pause, the boy nodded. “You lashed out to get rid of the hurt and in doing so, you hurt other people.”
Cassie saw the truth of Rick’s accusations on Noah’s face.
“H-how d-did you know?” Noah mumbled.
“It was just a hunch, something you said the day you gave me a nosebleed.”
“He gave you a—” Cassie began.
Rick cut her off, his focus on Noah. “Thank you for admitting the truth, Noah.”
“I feel like I don’t know you at all,” Cassie whispered, aghast at what she was hearing.
“You don’t know m-me,” Noah growled.
Rick’s glower marred his handsome face. “I’m not sure I do, either. You conned me into teaching you boxing because you needed a way to get the upper hand with kids who wouldn’t back down from your threats.”
“Yes.” The admission hissed from Noah’s lips.
“The thing is, I never realized your mother had forbidden it.” Rick’s voice was hard. “I don’t like being used, Noah. I especially don’t like being used against your mother.”
“I’m s-sorry,” Noah said without remorse.
“Are you?” Rick held his gaze. “You had lots to say about the people in your former church and how they treated you so miserably. You accused your mother of not standing up to them.” Rick’s severe tone held Noah captive.
“Sh-she didn’t,” Noah sputtered.
“No, she didn’t, because your mother is the strongest woman I’ve ever known. She stood tall, did what she could to make amends for your dad’s mistake and then picked up and moved here to help you.” Rick shook his head when Noah tried to argue. “I think you’re the one who isn’t standing up to the problem. Instead of facing the issues and dealing with them, you’re hiding behind anger.” Rick’s tone softened. “You hurt kids who only wanted to be friends with you, Noah. You did to them exactly what people did to you. You’ve got a lot of burned bridges to repair if you want to have real friends here.”
Cassie could stay silent no longer. “I’m not sure I understand everything you’re saying, Rick.” She frowned at him. “But I wish you’d come to me with what you suspected about Noah. I feel like you’ve kept things hidden from me.”
Rick met her gaze and held it. “I’m sorry. I wanted to wait until you were more rested before I opened this wound. Now that everything’s come to light, I’m sure Noah can clear up any questions you have.”
“I have quite a few.” She looked at her son. “You’ve made a lot of assumptions about me. You judged me and condemned me, but whether you believe it or not, everything I’ve done has been for you.” When Noah had no response, she said, “We’ll talk at home. Get your things and let’s go.”
“Cassie, I’m sorry—”
“Not now, Rick.” Cassie waited while Noah pulled sweatpants and a shirt over his training clothes. She couldn’t shed her feelings of betrayal—Rick should have told her, should have clued her in. “Let’s go, Noah.”
Rick walked them to the door. When Cassie looked into his eyes, she could think of nothing to say. Finally, she stepped outside into the snow, leaving Rick behind her as she wondered how everything had gone so horribly wrong.
She’d come over here to tell Rick she was in love with him. And now here she was, feeling betrayed, crushed, heartbroken.
How quickly things could change and fall apart.
What a fool she’d been.
Chapter Thirteen
Cassie had been gone all of two minutes when Rick grabbed his keys and dashed out the door to his car. He’d put off talking to her for so long now it was embarrassing. What kind of man hides from the truth the way he’d been hiding? And he called himself a pastor?
His heart was pounding as he drove to Lives. He was driving too fast, recklessly even. At the rate he was going, he’d probably get there before her, if he didn’t end up crashing his car.
Breathe, he told himself. You’re almost there. The truth is almost out. Ju
st breathe.
When he pulled into the driveway, Cassie and Noah were about to go inside. Cassie nodded at her son as if to tell Noah to go ahead without her, and then she waited, arms crossed, for Rick to approach.
And when he did, she gave him a piece of her mind.
“I trusted you,” she said quietly. “I let go of all my inhibitions and I put my faith in you because I was certain you had our best interests at heart.”
“I do,” he said, chagrin under his quiet words.
“Do you?” she asked. There was a hard edge to her voice that Rick had never heard before. “It doesn’t feel like you do when you’re keeping Noah’s deceit to yourself.”
“I didn’t know it was deceit! But I was going to talk to you. I was waiting for the right time—”
“I was, too,” she whispered. “Do you know why I came to see you today, Rick? I was going to tell you that I thought we had something special between us. Now I’m wondering. I want so badly to trust you. I’m trying to trust you but you keep putting this distance between us.”
Rick couldn’t deny it, and he offered no defense. With a heavy sigh, Cassie turned to go inside. He gripped her arm, halting her movement.
She turned, frowning at his hand on her arm, and said. “I feel like I don’t know you or Noah.”
“You don’t know me, Cassie. You shouldn’t trust me because I don’t deserve it.” Just saying those words made him feel lighter. He was getting closer. Closer to telling her everything.
“Why?” she asked, hesitantly.
It was time.
“Cassie, I am a much bigger cause of the trouble between you and father than you realize. Because of me, your father lost…everything. He lost his life savings, and money he had put aside for you and Noah. I’m the reason he couldn’t help you when you needed him most.”
