by Lois Richer
For a moment she thought he would. But then he closed his eyes and, without looking at her again, moved on to the person beside her.
Why God? her soul cried. He loves me. I know he does. And I love him. Is that wrong?
“Your will be done,” she heard Rick say.
Us loving each other—that’s not Your will? Tears slipped between her lashes. I can’t have him, can I?
A soft rush of certainty filled her. God was saying no. Oh, how that hurt. She took deep breaths then dabbed at the wetness on her cheeks.
God had something for Rick to do, a mission that was more important than loving Cassie Crockett. She couldn’t stand in the way of that. Not after she’d seen his extraordinary gift for ministry. His heart was for God and he took his vow seriously. She could not diminish his dedication by asking him to break that vow.
She didn’t think she could turn her back on the joy and the rightness of being with him. But as Rick stood in their circle, reminding them of how much God had sacrificed to have each of them as His child, Cassie suddenly understood. She’d finally learned that no matter what happened, God came first. Somehow He would help her give up the desire of her heart if she trusted Him completely.
As one the group rose, joined hands and sang the first verse of the hymn “Old Rugged Cross.” Cassie was struck anew by the depth of Rick’s abilities. She wasn’t the only one with tears drying on her cheeks. Others in the congregation had been as deeply moved and a few, like her, lingered in the sanctuary to absorb or perhaps prolong the glory they’d experienced.
It took a long time to resolve the turmoil in her heart. Part of her longed to ignore God’s will, to grab hold of her happiness and hang on, to beg him to give up his vow. She wanted what she wanted.
And yet how much more guilt would Rick feel? Cassie couldn’t do that to him. For Rick’s sake, she released everything into God’s hands. It would cost her dearly when she saw him and heard his voice, and when her heart argued that she had a right to happiness.
But she had a right to nothing. She’d given up the right to run her life the way she wanted when she’d renewed her faith and trusted God.
It had to be complete trust.
She gazed at the mural of the good shepherd on the wall. It had been painted many years before. The colors were faded and worn except for the eyes. Dark brown, gentle and beckoning, she stared into them and at last found the peace she craved.
He’s yours, Lord. Soft and tentative, peace flowed over her soul. She wiped away her tears. “Your will,” she murmured at last.
She rose and walked to the exit, but earnest voices stopped her from leaving. Rick was standing in the foyer, talking to George Stern, who looked upset.
“I’m tendering my resignation, George. Effective immediately.” Rick’s words hit her with a decimating force. “I’ll be leaving Churchill Tuesday morning.”
The moment she heard the words, Cassie knew two things instantly and with a certainty that filled her soul. First, this was where God wanted Rick. Churchill needed his love and understanding and patience. This town was his ministry.
And, second, he was resigning because of her, because she was causing him to struggle against the vow he’d made. The weight of it almost crushed her.
Rick could not leave. Churchill was where he belonged.
So she’d have to go.
She’d talk to Laurel and resign. They could find someone to replace her.
But who could replace Rick?
Cassie waited until the two men left. Then she made a beeline for her car. Her dad was arriving tomorrow on the train. She’d tell him her decision, she decided as she drove back to Lives. Maybe after they cleared the air once and for all, she and Noah could go back to Toronto and live with him. It wouldn’t be easy on Noah, but she knew he’d understand if she told him about Rick’s resignation.
She pulled into the yard and took a good look at what made up Lives Under Construction. But the exterior, the skating rink, the shed—that wasn’t the essence of the project. What mattered were the lives inside, boys who needed a man like Rick to guide them into their future.
Your will be done. With resolute determination Cassie left the car and walked into the house. “Laurel?”
“In the kitchen.” Her friend greeted her with a smile that quickly faded when she saw Cassie’s face. “What?”
“I have to resign, Laurel. Noah and I have to leave.” Then, despite her best intentions, she broke down. Weeping, she explained what had happened.
Laurel listened, but she didn’t try to talk Cassie out of her plans. Cassie knew that was because Laurel understood that Rick’s presence in Churchill was a necessity. Anyone could nurse a sick boy, but not everyone could be the spiritual leader these kids needed to rebuild their lives.
God needed Rick in Churchill, not Cassie.
It was time to go.
*
“Dad!” Cassie threw her arms around her father’s neck and hugged him tightly. “I’m so glad you came.”
“Me, too, honey.” He squeezed her and brushed a kiss against her hair. “Where’s my grandson?”
“Hey, G-grandpa.” Noah rolled his eyes at Cassie as the older man hugged him, but he said nothing, clearly happy to be reunited.
Cassie drove them back to Lives, bubbling with excitement as she and her dad caught up. Noah pointed out landmarks. Once they’d arrived, she introduced her father and they gathered to eat lunch. When it was over, the moment she’d been waiting for finally arrived.
“Can we talk, Dad?” she asked.
“It’s about time, don’t you think? I need to apologize to you for not supporting you enough after Eric’s death.”
“I understand now why you couldn’t.” She clutched his hand in hers. “But why didn’t you tell me?”
“Shame. Embarrassment. Maybe some anger.” He shook his head. “What kind of father doesn’t have enough money put aside to help his own daughter? I felt like a failure.”
“Because Rick lost your money,” she said.
“He told you.” John sighed.
“Yes. Dad.” She hesitated. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, Cassie. I earn a good salary teaching at the seminary. I don’t have a lot of expenses and the government sends me a pension check every month. If you need to borrow—”
“No, no. I was going to lend you some.” They grinned at each other.
“Rick’s a great guy, isn’t he?”
“You can say that after what he did?” Cassie said.
“I was mad at him at the time, but I always knew he was a risk taker.” He chuckled. “Rick is the son I never had. Just like I’ve always prayed for you, I’ve prayed for him for so many years. I believe God sent him to me to help and I tried my best.” Her father’s eyes narrowed. “Cassie, I’ve sensed something in your letters. You care for Rick, don’t you?”
“I love him.” She wasn’t afraid to say it anymore. “It’s because of Rick that I learned to trust God.” She explained about her decision to leave Churchill.
“You’ll live with me.” John studied her. “How does Rick feel about you?”
Cassie explained her belief that he loved her.
“He gave his resignation—that’s why Noah and I have to move. Rick belongs here, Dad. This place is his ministry, just like yours was always in Toronto. I can’t let him give it up for me.”
“So he’s still determined to keep that vow.” John’s eyes narrowed. “I brought his guitar. I think I’ll pay him a visit tomorrow,” he said thoughtfully.
“I love you, Dad.” She nestled in his arms, praying that somehow God would help her father help Rick.
*
“It’s so good to see you, John.” Rick held his office door wide, then embraced the stooped, gray-haired man who seemed to have aged twenty years since he’d last seen him. Obviously the result of losing his life’s savings. He pushed the thought aside. “I’m glad you came for Easter. And doubly glad to see this again.” He t
ook the guitar from John, glad to feel the weight of the case in his hands again. “I wish Cassie hadn’t done it, but I’m glad she did.”
“She knows how important that guitar is to your ministry,” John said.
Rick asked about mutual friends and the seminary where John still taught classes, even though he was supposed to be retired. Rick tried to dodge John’s personal questions. No way did he want to discuss his feelings for his mentor’s daughter. But John was as wily as ever.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about you recently, son.” John tented his hands under his chin, his face thoughtful. “The Lord keeps telling me to pray for you so you’ll see more clearly.”
“See what more clearly?” Rick asked in puzzlement.
“His love.” John leaned forward. “Or, more specifically, His forgiveness.”
“Have you and Noah been talking?” Rick asked. “He was in here this morning, asking about me questions about God’s forgiveness.”
“Cassie told me how my grandson was struggling, and how you helped him see the light. I don’t know how to thank you for doing that,” John said.
“I only did for him what you did for me.” Rick leaned back in his chair. “It’s about time I started paying back my debt to you.”
“There is no debt, Rick.” John frowned. “I told you that long ago. I love you like the son I never had. If I helped you, then it was a God-given privilege, not because I wanted payback.” He shook his head. “Are you still trying to keep that vow you made to God in seminary?”
Rick had known it was coming. He exhaled. “Yes. It’s the only way I know to repay God.”
“So you’re still trying to buy your salvation.”
Rick blinked. “Buy salvation?”
“What else can you call it? You think if you do enough, strive hard enough and help enough kids that you’ll be able to repay God.” John leaned forward. “I told you then and I’ll tell you now. You can’t earn forgiveness from our Lord. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, He’s still forgiven you for the mistakes you made.”
“But—”
“Isn’t that exactly what Easter is about?” The old man smiled. “The day Jesus died, your sins were forgiven. Period. There’s no way you can earn or be worthy of that forgiveness. By trying you negate God’s sacrifice.”
Rick frowned at the words as they began to sink in.
“If we can be worthy of forgiveness, if we can deny ourselves in order to earn it, then Easter doesn’t matter, son.” John sighed. “I should have said this a long time ago, the day you made that vow, in fact. But I thought—”
“You’re saying we shouldn’t make vows to God?” Rick asked.
“I’m saying your vow isn’t about God. It’s about you, about easing your guilt.”
“Me?” Rick shook his head, aghast. “No, I’m trying to make up for my mistakes.”
“You can’t.” John tented his fingers, then peered at him. “You’re not in control of the world. If you try to be, you make yourself ineffective for God. You’re fixated on the past and what you can do to make amends, but God doesn’t want your amends or your guilt. He’s already forgiven you. Now He wants you to move on, to do the things He has planned for you.”
Rick struggled to wrap his mind around what John was saying, but the next sentence drove all thought from his mind.
“My daughter loves you,” John said quietly. “She said you told her you feel the same. But you won’t act on those feelings, you won’t see that God brought you together, because you’re too busy trying to make God see how worthy you are.”
Stunned by the condemnation, Rick reeled.
“This vow you made—have you ever asked God what He thinks about it?” John asked. “That’s the thing about being in the ministry. We have to constantly measure our motives against God’s expectations. Easter is about forgiveness for everybody, regardless of what’s in their past. There’s no mention of earning it or making repayment because we can never atone. And when we try, we hamstring God.” John let that sink in for a moment, then rose. “I have to go, Rick. Noah and I are going to go ice fishing. My grandson and I have a lot of catching up to do.”
Rick shook hands with the man he’d revered for so long, his mind in turmoil as he watched John leave the church. Alone, he stared at the cross hanging above the altar. He thought of all the people he’d hurt and of the time he’d spent trying to make up for it.
My grace is sufficient for Thee.
What did that mean? That he’d been wrong to make his vow?
“Rick?”
Cassie’s quiet voice drew his attention to the back of the church. Love welled in him like an ocean tide as he soaked in her loveliness. Would he ever get over the yearning to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, to protect her and never let her go? “Cassie,” he managed to croak.
“I just wanted to tell you something.” She fiddled with bright pink gloves that he knew she’d made. That vibrant color personified Cassie—she brought light and life with her wherever she went. “Noah and I are leaving Churchill. On Tuesday. With my dad.”
“What?” Feeling sucker punched, Rick stared at her. Her brown eyes glittered with determination. “Why?” he whispered.
“I know you gave your resignation and I know you did it because of me. But you can’t leave. This is your mission field, Rick. This is where you belong.” Her voice grew stronger as she spoke. “The kids at Lives, Churchill’s seniors, the people who live here—they all need you. This is where God sent you. Because He has a purpose for your life here.” She smiled.
“If you leave, who will love the kids in your band and choir? They need to be part of something wonderful. Who will make sure the seniors are okay when the next problem hits? Who will show them that God is a God of love? You can’t give up your calling here. I won’t be responsible for ruining God’s plans.”
“But—”
“Because of you, I found God again. I understand now that His will comes first and I know that His will is for you to continue to minister here.” She stepped forward. Her fingertips skimmed across his face, cupped his cheek and followed the line of his jaw. She touched her forefinger to his lower lip as if to press a kiss there.
Rick nearly lost it. Every good intention, every resolve, even his vow—they nearly caved in under the rush of longing that wailed through him. His instincts urged him to grab hold of her and hang on for dear life.
“I love you with my whole heart, Rick,” she whispered, her smile affectionate yet sad. “But I understand that you have your vow, that you need to keep it and you can’t do that if I’m here. So I’ll leave wishing you God’s very best. I’m so thankful that one of the people you helped heal was my son.”
“I’m so sorry, Cassie.”
“You don’t owe me any apologies, Rick. I just want to say one thing more. It’s actually something Noah asked me,” she said. “You preach forgiveness. You’ve repeated it to the boys, to me and to Noah. You say it over and over.”
He nodded.
“But if God is a God of forgiveness and second chances, why can’t He forgive you for your past? Since when does God expect atonement for what’s already been forgiven?”
She gazed at him a moment longer, then turned and walked out of the church, leaving him with her questions ringing in the air.
Rick stood there feeling broken and lost. “I love you, Cassie,” he whispered. But his words fell into the emptiness of the sanctuary.
He returned to his office to work on his sermon for tomorrow, Easter Sunday. But there was no joy in his heart. Nor could he find joy in the glorious music the kids made in their afternoon practice. There certainly was no joy in watching Cassie walk out the door after practice without even looking at him.
Easter was all about joy. But all he felt was loss and guilt.
God doesn’t want your guilt. John’s words echoed inside his head.
Then what does He want?
Chapter Fifteen
“What are you thinking about, honey?”
Cassie was still adjusting to being around her father, and to his kindness. As he put an arm around her shoulder and hugged her close, sharing her wonder at the Easter morning sunrise, she sent up a quick prayer of thanks.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” she whispered. The sun’s rays made the snow gleam like a diamond, as if in jubilant praise. “I’ll miss this place.”
And Rick.
“You don’t have to leave.”
“Yes, I do. Rick’s needed here. I can be replaced.” She turned her head slightly, letting a smile tug at her lips. “Most women would fight like crazy for the chance to love a guy like him. He’s one in a million.”
“But?”
“But this place is his calling. How can I interfere in that? How can I ask him to turn his back on something he believes is his duty?” Cassie clapped her hands together. “Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay? Let’s just enjoy the time we have left here.”
So they did. They shared a riotous breakfast with the boys. While Cassie cooked waffles, her dad insisted on frying mounds of bacon. Laurel got carried away whipping cream enough for twenty people, and yet somehow it all disappeared.
Joy filled the air at Lives Under Construction. From time to time the boys paused in their feast to remind each other of something in their choral presentation. Cassie smiled at the syrup that dotted Noah’s T-shirt as he joined in the conversation. His stutter was almost gone and the dark clouds of anger had lifted, leaving behind the child who, because of Rick, was finally able to genuinely interact with the Lives’ boys.
“You’d better wait till you’re at church before you put on your new shirts,” she said. Each boy had a brand-new white shirt, black pants and a black bow tie. “We don’t want any spots on this performance.”
As she laughed and smiled with them, Cassie could only keep Rick out of her thoughts for minutes at a time. The idea of never seeing Rick again, of never hearing his burst of laughter or the music he could coax from his guitar or his amazing voice—
I’m doing the right thing, aren’t I, God?
