by Louise Bay
Back at my desk, I scanned my in box and found an email from Jake. It said nothing other than he was attaching photos of the Sandy article.
My stomach cramped and I steadied myself against the table. The lack of covering message assured me that he understood there was no future for us. It was what the sensible part of my brain wanted. The bit of my body I was trying to ignore, the part that wanted him to never give up on me, slumped in defeat. But it was always for the best when my head ruled my heart.
I clicked on the photos. There were over a hundred. They were beautiful and seemed to capture the very essence of Sandy. Her almost-black hair was glossy and glamorous, her smile wide and generous. She came across as warm and sensuous. Jake had captured what she looked like, but more, he’d brought out her very best. Was this how he saw her?
When I clicked on the last picture my stomach jolted again. It was of me, on my own, staring directly into the camera. I barely recognized myself. My cheekbones were highlighted and some stray hairs had escaped my bun. I looked relaxed, my eyes seemed to dance and there was a small, secretive smile on my face. The picture captured how I felt when I forgot myself. When I was with Ash and Luke and we were just . . . us. Was this how he saw me? Did he know me like that?
Did I want him to?
Jake
“So you’re still sulking?” Beth asked me. I was sick of sitting at my desk in our guest bedroom all day and had decided to change my surroundings. It may have been a bad idea because now I had my papers spread across the dining table, and Beth had more access to me to give me a hard time. She rarely needed an excuse to bust my balls but since Haven and I had stopped seeing each other—assuming we had ever really started—that was where her attention was centered. She thought I’d given up too easily. She thought I should fight harder. I was trying not to think. I had Elemental Energy to concentrate on.
“I’m not sulking. I’m working. There’s a difference. I have a million things to do if I want Elemental Energy to achieve what it’s capable of.”
“I thought you had a month before the Palo Alto guy started?”
Could she not stop pushing? She’d been like this since I got back from California. Couldn’t she just leave things alone? Haven had made this decision, not me. I ignored her.
“So you have some time. I thought the new photographer at Rallegra didn’t start for a while? I’m sure Robert could still do with the help,” she continued.
“I have a lot to do. Robert will call me if he needs me. I’ve finished the Sandy piece. I wasn’t assigned to anything else.” I was pretty sure that the last place I should be was Rallegra. Haven wanted us to be “friends” but that was not something I could comprehend. If I couldn’t be with her, then I couldn’t see her.
“Keep telling yourself that, Jake. You should go in there, scoop her up in your arms and tell her how you feel.”
She had gone way past irritating. Haven had decided, it hadn’t been my choice. There was no point in revisiting all this stuff. Maybe I needed to go for a run. “Will you back off? Haven and I were . . . it was . . . It’s over. I’ve had far longer relationships. You didn’t seem to have a problem when Millie and I split up.”
“This is different and you know it. You like Haven. Millie . . . wasn’t worth it. I think you’re punishing her for pushing you away.”
There was no point in talking about this. Haven had been clear. She didn’t want anything from me. At least she’d responded to my email. When I saw she’d replied, I’d thought she’d finally come around and we would be able to move past this misunderstanding. After reading her very cool, calm response about how she accepted my apology and wanted us to be friends, I knew she was gone.
The shutters had come down.
Haven was no longer mine.
“How am I punishing her by giving her what she wants?” It was true I was angry at Haven. She’d not trusted me, or how she felt. She’d just shut down and pushed me out. I could cope with her crying in my arms or being mad with me, but just to walk away as if we’d been nothing? Maybe I was punishing her.
“Perhaps you’re determined not to allow yourself to be happy.”
“Thank you, Dr. Daniels. I’ve allowed myself to be happy with a lot of women. It’s not like I don’t date.”
“No you haven’t. You’ve fucked a lot of girls, but you’ve always been the one in control. You’ve never lost yourself; found a great love. More than that, you choose women that you are never going to fall in love with deliberately.”
“I’m going for a run,” I said, standing up and staring at my papers strewn across the table. Worse than having Beth bust my balls, was Beth making sense while she did it. I didn’t want to think Haven might have been special, or right for me, when such thoughts were entirely futile. She wasn’t mine anymore.
Losing Haven hurt in the pit of my belly. I’d never felt like that after a break up before, but I figured it would pass. Our paths weren’t likely to cross again after I finally finished up at Rallegra. We would be just memories for each other, or at least she would be for me. I didn’t know if I’d ever been anything to her.
My phone vibrated against the table. Beth glanced at the screen and grinned. “That, my dear brother, is what you call fate. I don’t want to hear any excuses about how you’re too busy.”
“Robert,” I answered.
“Harry. How was the US? Make another ten million while you were out there? Bang a supermodel?”
“You have a twisted view of what my life really is.” I would have normally found Robert’s assumptions about my life amusing, but today it just seemed a little sad. The life he was jealous of wasn’t a life I recognized or wanted. “You remember I live with my sister, right?”
Robert chuckled. “We’ve got a couple of new pieces for you to work on. The first is on celebrity lookalikes. It’s going to be great. Emily is working on it with Jenny. They’ve found some proper crazy people who dress to look like their idols. Some have even had surgery.”
I rolled my eyes. How utterly pointless. Sometimes it surprised me that Haven liked her job. It seemed to jar against the rest of her—it was so superficial. Haven was the opposite. You couldn’t look at the surface of Haven and know anything about her. It doesn’t matter anymore, I reminded myself.
“I thought we could do that as a studio shoot; it’ll take less than a day. Are you good with that? We’re thinking Thursday next week,” Robert said.
“Yeah, that will be fine,” I said, as Beth stood over me. She gave me the thumbs up and I gave her the finger.
“The second one will be a bit more time consuming. It’s a piece about dating agencies that only accept millionaires or something. Haven has the details. You’ll need to go along to the meetings and a couple of dates.”
My throat tightened and I tried to push down a swallow. Robert seemed oblivious to anything that might have happened between Haven and I, and there was no need to tell him. “Right. Well, you know it will depend on Elemental Energy,” I said. Beth glared at me. I ignored her.
“We’ll work around you on this. If it runs long, I can just get our new guy to take over. Really appreciate it, mate.” He wasn’t giving me much of a choice and I wasn’t sure I wanted him to.
“And Haven’s happy with me doing it?”
“Yeah, she told me she thought you were very talented when she saw the Sandy Fox photographs. Coming from her, that’s huge. You know what a ball buster she is.”
I had no idea whether or not Haven knew Robert had asked me to be involved in this piece specifically. Did she want to see me?
“Okay, let me know when you need me in the office,” I said.
“I’ll get Haven to call you.”
“Happy now?” I turned to Beth as I hung up.
“Not happy, but I don’t want to kill you, so that’s a start.”
Beth would get used to the idea that Haven and I weren’t together. I just wasn’t sure I would.
Predictably, Haven arranged the deta
ils of our meeting. Jenny called the day before the shoot to say when and where I needed to go. I knew Haven would be early, so I planned to arrive fifteen minutes before our appointment. Glass Introductions was a high-end-dating agency. I didn’t really understand why we were going, or what Haven’s article was about. All I knew was I had to turn up and take some shots.
I had done everything that morning to distract myself from coming face to face with Haven. Nothing had worked. As much as I was trying my best to get over her, the thought of seeing her again was like a punch to my stomach. How could she have just walked away so easily? I couldn’t stop the images of her that were running through my head like a slideshow. Was she still angry with me? Would we get the opportunity to talk about what had happened, or to talk about anything at all? Hell, I’d settle for hearing about Luke and Ash. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was looking forward to seeing her despite myself. And more than that, something in me wanted to know she was still the same. She might have called time on anything between us, but I couldn’t bear it if she’d cut her hair or started wearing red to work. In the short time we’d been apart, I needed her not to have changed. I didn’t want to see evidence that she’d taken what she needed from me and moved on. I wanted to believe a part of her was still mine.
I checked my watch when I arrived. Glass Introductions was on one of the beautiful Mayfair Squares that surrounded a small garden. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping—it was enough to induce a good mood . . . almost. I was early, so I crossed the road and wandered into the greenery, hoping to find a seat where I could try to calm the pulse thrumming through my body. I passed between two bushes at either side of the entrance, and found Haven sitting opposite me on a bench. I saw her a split second before she looked up. From the moment our eyes met, she was all I saw. I wasn’t sure if I was still walking, breathing, or whether all my energy was used to look at her. She was so beautiful. I couldn’t help but grin at her.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey, Harry.”
Her voice was clipped and I couldn’t help but wince. She hadn’t called me Jake. Harry was the name my friends used. Haven would never, could never, be just a friend. She glanced away from me as I sat next to her on the bench. At least she was wearing her severe bun and funereal clothes. Maybe my Haven was still in there somewhere.
Haven
Men like Jake should be illegal. I thought I’d successfully built a shield to render me immune to him when I saw him again. Not so much. He grinned as he greeted me as if nothing was wrong—for a moment I wanted it to be true. I wanted him to kiss me as though we had nowhere to be for days. I wanted to grab him and pull his hard body against mine.
But I didn’t. Instead, I gave him a terse nod and I said hello.
Perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to, but I thought the corner of his eye twitched and his nose crinkled when I called him Harry.
I tried to make conversation as if things between us were normal. “I don’t think you’ll have to stay long. Just to get a couple of shots of Paula and some of the building. As you’re early, you could take the outside pictures now.”
His chest rose as he inhaled, then hung suspended mid breath, as if he were about to say something. But he didn’t and he exhaled. He nodded and turned to the exit. What had he been about to say? Could whatever it was take away the ache in my heart?
Being on another assignment with him was a bad idea. I checked my watch to give me something to do. Was he affected by me at all? He probably had so many women that there was always another waiting in the wings, ready to step in at moment’s notice. My throat constricted and I gripped the bench as I tried to catch a breath. I needed to be logical. I couldn’t let him see how just a look from him tore me apart inside. There was no time to be affected by mistakes or history. He had been with Millie before me, and no doubt he’d been with someone since. Perhaps he’d met someone on his trip to the US. I had to find a way to be okay with that.
I stood, smoothed my hair, took a deep breath and headed toward Glass Introductions. Jake appeared at my side as I rang the doorbell and almost instantly we were greeted by a very petite older lady and were shown through to Paula’s office.
“Good to meet you, Haven,” Paula said. She grinned at me, placing her hand over mine as we shook. She kept eye contact with me as though she really was pleased to see me. Some of the tension around having Jake so close began to leave my shoulders. I was so preoccupied with Jake, I’d lost focus on what we were here to do. I needed to get my head in the game.
“Thank you so much for seeing us. I really appreciate you making the time,” I replied, smiling at her. She was in her late thirties or early forties and was one of those tall and naturally elegant women who made me feel short and frumpy. “This is Harry, who is going to take some photographs, if that’s okay?”
“I never say no to a handsome man who wants to take my photograph,” Paula said, smiling at Jake.
Hearing Jake referred to as handsome grated on me. Jake was a good-looking man, no one could dispute that, but he wasn’t just a pretty face. It had been his insides that had made his outsides all the more appealing to me. His easy manner, his warmth. The way he called me out on my bad behavior. The way he said my name when we were in bed, as if it were a prayer.
I closed my eyes. Head in the game. Paula rounded her desk, which was set back into the huge bay window overlooking the square, retrieved some papers and headed toward two sofas opposite each other at the other end of the room. She gestured for Jake and me to sit. “You founded this business, is that right?” I asked. Paula nodded. “Did you start off working for a competitor and then decide to set up on your own?” I took a seat in front of Paula. Jake sat beside me. The sofa was wide enough that we weren’t too close. It wasn’t that he made me uncomfortable, more that, with him sitting next to me, it was an insight into how things might have been if we were together. And although we were there as colleagues, for a moment, I could let myself imagine that we were more. I sat forward and reached for the water on the coffee table.
“No, I was a dancer,” she said. Something in my face must have given me away. “No, not that kind of dancer.” She threw her head back and laughed as I smiled uncomfortably. “I went to ballet school and when I was just past my twenty-first birthday I took a fall and had to stop dancing completely. I had to rethink all my plans at that point. I had no idea what I was going to do until I spoke to an accomplished family friend who told me I should make a business out of what I enjoyed doing.” She sat forward and began to pour the tea into the cups set out in front of us. “Everyone assumed I’d end up a dance teacher, but what I really loved was helping people find love. Even as a teen, I liked to set up my friends on dates and play Cupid. And really, that’s what I do here. I get to know people, and then I put two together who I think have chemistry.” Paula smiled at me. “Milk?” she asked.
“Yes please. That’s so inspiring and great advice,” I said as I scanned my notes. “Perhaps you could take me through what would be an initial interview with a new applicant? Or is it a form that you fill in?”
“We call them members, but of course, whatever you need.” She set my tea in front of me and poured a second cup for Jake. “The normal process is split into two parts. First, we discuss you and how you spend your time—your job, how many hours that takes up, and whether or not it involves any traveling and also any family commitments or hobbies you have. Then we get deeper into your character—your values and pertinent background. In the second part of the interview, we get into your previous relationship history and what you are looking for in a partner. I would never set it out like that to a member. Normally we would have a relaxed conversation. I try to ensure we pick up all the relevant information. Perhaps I could profile Jake and you can take notes? Then, of course, if you’re going to date our members I’ll need to hear from you as well.”
My face started to heat as Jake’s presence in the room became bigger and bigger as
I considered Paula’s suggestion. Did I want to hear what he was going to say about what he wanted in a woman? He was all I was aware of as I faced the prospect of giving this stranger lots of personal information about myself.
“I’m just here as the photographer,” Jake said.
“Have you already found love?” Paula asked.
He held up his left hand, showing her his ring finger. “I’m still single,” he replied, and smiled tightly. “I’m very busy at work. I’m establishing a new alternative energy company. I don’t have much time for dating.”
Paula looked at me, as if I could elaborate for him, and then focused back on Jake. My heartbeat was so loud I wondered if they could hear it. He hadn’t answered her question. Had he found love?
“So you’re not looking for love?” Paula asked.
“Harry,” I managed to say. “So we don’t take up any more of your valuable time than we need to, why don’t you take some shots of Paula and then we can let you go and Paula can take me through the interview process?” I stared at his oh-so-broad chest. I couldn’t bring myself to glance up to meet his eyes.
He nodded and stood. Paula didn’t push the point. I watched as he expertly moved around the room, directing Paula and taking shots with various backgrounds and in different poses. I buried myself in my notes, pretending to be doing anything but absorbing every detail of Jake’s movements.
Twenty minutes later Jake seemed to have what he needed.
“You were great, Paula, so natural. I think I have everything I need, so I’m going to head out,” Jake said.
“You can come back anytime. Let me give you a card.”
“Thanks,” he replied. “I don’t seem to get it right on my own; so you never know, I might give you a call.” My gut twisted. I’d thought about Jake with another Millie, but the thought of Jake finding love was a whole different ball game. It was as if I couldn’t think about that and breathe. Somehow the two things weren’t compatible. Thank goodness he had resisted Paula giving him the full interview. I didn’t think I could take much more of him being so close, let alone hear about his potential future without me.
