by Louise Bay
“I hope so. I just didn’t see it. I wanted her to love me. I was too young to focus on the right stuff. But we had dinner last night after visiting hours. We’re both making an effort.”
“And Dad is okay with you?”
“Yeah. I think he was pleased to see me. He’s been asking me lots of questions about you. He still doesn’t understand what you do.”
“Well, that makes two of you,” I said, grinning. It felt good to know he was asking about me. I missed the feeling that there was a safety net behind me. That’s what parents did, they caught you when you fell, no matter how old you were. And I hadn’t had that since Mom died. There was no way any kid of mine wouldn’t know I was right there behind them.
“I miss you. How are things with Haven?”
“Okay, I think.”
“Excuse me? Okay ‘you think’? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means things are . . . I have a lot going on with Elemental starting up and Eric coming over and Millie—”
“What have you got going on with Millie? There’s no baby yet.”
“Yeah, but she’s needed me the last few days. Her sister’s not been around, so I’ve had to get her stuff and it’s kind of interrupted things with Haven. She’s not said anything but it’s—”
“You don’t need to become Millie’s manservant to prove you’re not going to abandon your child, Jake. You are the most kind-hearted, generous man I know. That kid is going to be begging to live with you. You never need to worry about not being there. It’s in your DNA, but you don’t need to sign over your happiness to Millie to prove that—to her, to the baby or to yourself.”
Beth thought I got all the good genes, but she had it the wrong way around. Somehow, her addiction had given her insight that I would never have. As if alcoholism had concentrated a lifetime’s experience into a few years. Or perhaps addiction was the cure for real wisdom, a way to drown out the cruelty of reality. “You think that’s what I’ve been doing?”
“I do. And remember, Millie is going to do everything she can to get you back. And preferably get a ring on her finger, I imagine. She’s fucked up by getting pregnant as far as her life plan is concerned. In fact, if you weren’t loaded, I bet she would have had an abortion—”
“Beth!”
“Be shocked all you like, Jake, it’s true. I’d put money on it. Don’t fuck things up with Haven by playing along with Millie’s games. You don’t even know if it’s your baby yet.”
Had I been too indulgent with Millie?
“I feel like I’ve been spanked,” I said.
“I don’t want to hear about your pervy sexual preferences. But consider yourself told off,” Beth replied.
“When are you coming home?” I missed her.
“Holy C. R. A. P.” Haven spelled out the letters as if she were swearing in front of a small child. We had just walked through what Debbie, my realtor, described as the master bedroom suite.
“Holy crap?” I asked her. It wasn’t entirely clear whether she liked the place or not.
Haven just nodded, which didn’t help my understanding at all.
“Well it’s good that there wouldn’t be anything to do,” I said, still staring at Haven to try to work out whether or not she was impressed.
“Everything is brand new. You’d be buying straight from the developer, so no one has lived with any of the fixtures or fittings,” Debbie explained. “And it’s already dressed. All the furniture will stay, so you simply move in.”
“What’s through there?” Haven asked.
“That’s the dressing room,” Debbie said as Haven wandered over and opened a door.
“Well that’s ridiculous. It’s as big as my whole bedroom.” She was wide eyed and so beautiful. I could see her here. She seemed at home.
“Beth would like it,” I said.
“Of course she would. It’s incredible.” So, she liked it, that was good.
“The heart of the apartment is the living space. Let me show you.” Debbie moved back into the corridor and we followed. “Views are southwest,” she said, sweeping her arm across the room.
The area was at least as big as my entire apartment, and in this light, Haven came to life. She looked as though she belonged here.
“There’s a study through that sliding door, which you can open up into the main room if you wanted more space.”
“Holy crap,” Haven said again, not bothering to spell out the word this time.
“All the floors are engineered walnut. Have a brochure. The full spec is in there. And then you have access to the wrap-around balcony from the master suite and the living space. It’s a great property, but it won’t be on the market long.”
It was a huge leap from my old place in Earls Court. I had this incredible girl and I was going to be a father in a few months. I was ready to take the next step toward my future.
“But there are two more bedrooms, right?” I asked.
The two smaller bedrooms were still a good size and plenty big enough for a baby. “This would work for a nursery.” I said as we entered the room next to the master bedroom.
“You’re pregnant?” Debbie said, glancing between us. “Or making plans to be?” Haven pinched her cheek between her teeth.
“Just planning,” I said, trying to be as ambiguous as possible. “Thanks for showing us around,” I said, wanting to steer the conversation to less uncomfortable ground. I didn’t want to explain my paternal complications to a complete stranger.
“I’ll give you two a moment and I’ll see you outside,” Debbie said.
When I heard the front door click, I turned to Haven. “So what do you think?”
“I think it’s beautiful. Like, amazing.” She sounded more subdued than she had before Debbie’s comment.
“You like it?” I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her toward me.
“How could I not? It’s like those places you see other people living in. It’s the kind of place I’d imagine Millie living in.”
That was the last thing I’d expected Haven to say.
“Forget about Millie. Can you see yourself here?”
“It’s not for me. It’s for you.”
Was it too early for me to formally ask her to move in with me? Although she wouldn’t just be moving in with me—it would be with me and Beth and the baby. “Yeah, but you’re going to spend time here, I hope, and maybe, you know—”
“What do you think?” Haven interrupted as if she didn’t like where I was going. When I’d mentioned our future at the wrap party, she’d dragged me home, determined to get me naked. Had she changed her mind?
“I don’t know,” I replied, and that was the truth. Every certainty I surrounded myself with seemed to be disintegrating.
Haven
“How did the dating piece go down with the readers?” Jake asked. After a day house hunting, we’d decided to go to dinner at my favorite local tapas place. I loved it. No one dressed up no matter the day of the week, you could always get a table and the food was incredible. They’d given us a spot in the corner of the dimly lit dining area, away from the bar and we sat kitty-corner to each other.
The lighting was the other reason I loved the place; candlelight was always a woman’s best friend. Jake’s, too, apparently. His jaw was completely kissable, covered in a day’s worth of scruff, the light emphasizing every contour. I made myself blink. The final apartment we’d seen had been incredible and it suited Jake somehow. He seemed at ease, comfortable in the space. But it reminded me of all the complications that the future held. It was good to get back onto neutral ground.
“It doesn’t go out until next week. I think it will be okay, though,” I replied. “This squid is good, right?”
“You don’t sound excited,” Jake said, nodding and taking another piece of squid.
I shrugged. I wasn’t excited. Normally when a big article of mine was being featured, I couldn’t wait to get feedback from readers. But dating rich men seemed like kind of
a silly feature. Was I encouraging women to go after sleazeballs like Louis Romano for their money?
“What are you working on now?”
“I asked Robert if I could do a piece about women in technology. You know that report that came out recently saying how it’s one of the worst sectors for women?”
Jake nodded. “Yeah, I saw that.”
“Well, I thought it would be good to cover it and investigate sexism in the workplace.”
“Robert wasn’t keen?”
“No. Thinks it’s too heavy.” I sighed. “And he’s right. We’re not the Economist. Articles like that don’t increase readers, and Robert’s all about improving circulation.”
“As editor, that’s his job, isn’t it?”
“I guess.” I knew what I was getting working for Rallegra. And it had always been what I’d wanted.
“So are you going to apply to the Economist?”
I took in a breath and narrowed my eyes as if I was seriously considering his question. “Not tonight.” I grinned at him.
“I’m serious, you should think about it. Work should make you happy and I’ve never seen you happy at Rallegra.”
I’d never really considered leaving Rallegra. I’d been focused on getting a promotion since I’d started there. “Okay, Mr. Fix It, I’ll take that under advisement. Talk to me about you. What about the flats today? Are you going to buy one?”
Jake grinned. It was the kind of grin that made me want to jump him right there, in front of everyone.
“What are you smiling about?” I asked.
“Nothing. It was just nice today. Doing that with you.”
I reached for some more food, trying to hide the fact that I’d loved that he’d brought me along to see the flats with him. It hadn’t been without incident though. Millie’s shadow had even followed us there. Planning space for a nursery pulled me away from the fantasy of penthouses. How often was he going to have the baby stay with him? Because he worked for himself, the custody arrangements might not be limited to every other weekend. Millie’s pregnancy was going to have a huge impact on my life if Jake and I stayed together. I’d end up being a part-time . . . caregiver for someone else’s child.
“Did you like any of them enough to buy one?” I asked.
“I’m not sure. It’s an adjustment,” he said. “You liked the places we saw today?”
“Of course. They were amazing.”
“You’d live in all of them?”
My stomach flipped. I shouldn’t get excited when he said stuff like that. A baby would change everything for him, for us.
“It should be about whether you would live in them, not me.”
“I was serious when I talked about our future, Haven.”
“You have a lot happening right now. Let’s just deal with the here and now. We’re together, and I love that we are. We don’t have to make long-term decisions about us.”
“But if I buy a place you don’t like . . .”
“Then we’ll move when we get married. Satisfied?”
I said it to shock him and I half expected him to choke on his beer. Instead, Jake’s grin transformed from sexy to scorching.
“I think we need to get the check,” he said.
“You’re amazing,” I said, my breathing returning to normal.
“You’re only saying that because I made you come three times,” Jake said as he pulled me onto his chest.
“You’re right, I am.”
“You’re using me for my sexual skills?” he asked.
“Yup.”
“You know you’re getting kissed for that.”
I giggled and he rolled me to my back and pressed his lips against mine. I pretended I wanted to resist him but of course, there was nothing better than kissing Jake.
I heard a phone vibrate somewhere but Jake ignored it and kept kissing me. He started to harden again against me and I relaxed.
The buzzing stopped and then started again. “Jake, that could be about your dad,” I said as I reluctantly pushed him away from me.
He reached across me and then collapsed onto his back with a groan. “It’s Millie.”
Well, at least she had the decency to let me have an orgasm before she called this time.
“I’m ignoring it,” he said.
I got up to go to the bathroom.
“I’m ignoring it,” he said again.
“I don’t want you to ignore it for me. If you need to answer the phone, answer it.” I tried to sound patient. I wasn’t angry with him, or Millie. I didn’t want to be the reason he wasn’t answering his child’s mother.
The phone started to buzz again and I pulled on a t-shirt. From the bathroom, I heard him answer. His voice was low and I couldn’t make out what he was saying, just that he was talking.
I brushed my teeth and waited until I couldn’t hear his voice. I didn’t want to listen in to his conversation.
As I opened the door, he was facing me, his head propped up on his elbow.
“Hey,” he said.
“Hey, how’s Millie?”
“Feeling sick, apparently. She asked me to come over again.” He rolled his eyes. I forced out a smile.
I got back into bed and he grabbed my ass. “So, are you going?” I asked.
“No, what can I do if she feels sick?”
“I don’t want you not to go because you’re worried you’ll upset me.”
“Are you saying you think I should go?”
“I’m not saying anything. Just that I shouldn’t be a factor in your decision.” I didn’t want to be the demanding girlfriend but at the same time, I wasn’t sure how I would have reacted if he’d left again. Millie wasn’t going to be a problem that simply went away. She would be hanging over us for as long as we were together. And once his baby came along, I would never come first. Was I strong enough to handle that? Since the flat viewings, something heavy and sticky had settled in my gut and wasn’t shifting.
Jake looked at me, his eyebrows knitted together. I reached up and smoothed his forehead with my thumb. He caught my wrist. “Do I need to hold on tight to you?” he asked.
“Always,” I replied.
Jake
“If you find that paper on lignocellulosic biomass that I gave you earlier, that should give you some context,” I said to Greg, the programmer Eric had brought on board. We were at the new offices on Lombard Street, which were working really well. Eric and Greg were as dedicated as I was to making Elemental Energy a success. Finally, we had some traction and were making incredible progress.
“I need those results from the lab,” Eric shouted at no one in particular.
Now that we were set up in an office, with computers and people, it felt as though we were real. And that seemed more and more important. Instead of the baby splitting my focus away from my business, it had propelled me forward. Now a legacy was not just important for me, but also for my kid. I was going to be a father, and I wanted that kid to grow up in a cleaner world and I wanted him or her to be proud of me. When I was small, my father had been like a god to me. I mean, what was more impressive than having your own real-life superhero father? He caught villains and bad guys, just like Batman. I wanted to be just like him. I might not have a badge or a gun, but I wanted to be my child’s hero.
Millie had been due to get her ultrasound today and part of me was excited to hear about it. I wished she’d been okay with me going with her. I wanted to say hello and introduce myself properly. A business, a baby, buying a place to live that didn’t look like a squat. Somewhere along the way, I’d become an adult. How had that happened? And Haven. I hadn’t expected her to come into my life and shape it so completely. I felt cheated every moment I couldn’t be with her.
Fitting all the pieces of my life together was becoming more and more of a challenge, but I was determined to make my kid, my business and my girl a priority. They were all important.
I checked my watch; it was just before seven. I’d been here twelve ho
urs and I’d promised to meet Haven for dinner tonight. I had so much to do here but I wanted to see her.
My cell vibrated in my pocket.
“Hey, Millie. How did it go?” I’d been waiting for her to call.
“The hospital gave me a CD and some pictures if you want to come round and see?”
I’d planned to see Haven back at her place. I’d not made it to her Sunday night dinner because of Eric’s arrival and I was desperate to see her, but this was my baby.
“Okay, I can swing by, but I really don’t have long.” I jumped in the car and made it to Millie’s in record time, then texted Haven.
Jake: I’m going to be a bit late, should be with you by eight thirty. J x
She’d understand.
Millie threw open the door almost as soon as I’d knocked on it. “It’s so amazing, Harry. I can’t wait for you to see.”
She had her laptop ready, and with a click the film of her ultrasound started to play.
“You see, that’s its head.” She indicated on the screen.
I grinned and nodded. I couldn’t exactly see what she’d pointed out, but it was amazing all the same. With every day, fatherhood was becoming more of a reality.
She put her arm around my waist and I pulled her into a hug. “Wow,” was all I could manage.
“It’s so overwhelming, Harry, isn’t it?” Her voice was faltering. Millie and emotion didn’t often mix. It must have been the hormones.
“It’s incredible. Do you have a due date?”
She nodded and couldn’t seem to get her words out. “January.”
“Okay. Good. Well, I’ll make sure I’m around at Christmas. Just in case.”
“Maybe we can spend it together?” she asked. “We’re going to be family, after all.”
And that was the problem, right there. I would never be with Millie in the way that she might want, but whether or not I liked it, and whether or not Haven could live with it, this baby meant Millie and I would be bound together forever. I wanted that connection with Haven, not Millie. I wanted to be married to the mother of my children. My parents had created a blanket of family, safety and love that I wanted to provide for my kid. I didn’t know if it was possible for me to do that on my own. I didn’t know how it worked when you weren’t in love with the mother of your child. When you had to fight over custody arrangements and schooling. I didn’t want to bring up children in a war zone. I was going to have to figure it out, and keeping Millie happy was part of that. I just wasn’t sure what that would do to Haven and me.
