by K. Langston
Once I clean up, I fill the claw foot tub with hot water and drop in a bath bomb I found underneath the sink.
I soak for a while, contemplating my life. Where I came from. Where I’m going. Looking forward is a lot less scary than looking back, but looking back is getting easier with him by my side. What he’s done for me, what he’s given me, is more than anyone else ever has. He gave me freedom. Love and protection.
His whole heart.
I get out of the bathtub and put on some comfy clothes, brush my hair and teeth, then grab my mother’s notebook off the bedside table. Bringing along a thin sweater to ward off the night chill, I take a seat on the porch swing, sinking back into the comfy cushions.
Fireflies dance in the distance while locusts sing their night song.
Opening the book, I begin to read.
September 24, 1998
I’ve been horrible about keeping up with this. Things have just been so crazy. Selena consumes so much of my day and by the time I’m crawling in bed at night, I’m too exhausted to lift a pen. It’s gotten easier though. We have a steady routine that we’re both adjusting to so I’m not quite so exhausted all the time. She turned six months old last week. She’s not crawling yet but she’s curious about everything. She knows how to give kisses and she’s always smiling. Always laughing. God, that laugh. Best sound in the whole world.
Teddy’s beard has become her latest obsession. Every time he picks her up, she paws at his beard until he buries his face in her neck, kissing and tickling her until she’s laughing so hard she can hardly breathe.
I love watching them together. I would tell him to shave it but I love the look on her face when her tiny fingers yank on it. And he looks quite handsome with it, too. I’ve been noticing that more and more lately. I never realized just how handsome he was until I watched him with her. How tender he is, how sweet. He’s always been in good shape, but the more time he spends outdoors, the more fit he becomes. Grease stains his fingers and I find myself wondering what they would feel like on my skin. I catch him looking at me sometimes, too. Hard, blatant stares that leave no question about what he—or rather whom—he wants.
Unlike me, he never looks away. I can see the longing in his eyes, the desire. And every single part of me wants to answer to it.
Except my heart.
It’s the only one I can’t convince. Because it’s bled enough to know that this one could very well end me altogether.
January 5, 1999
Teddy and I made love for the first time last night. Well, technically we made love several times. I lost count after a while. Seems he had a lot of pent-up sexual tension. We both did. But after the first time, things slowed down a bit. His touches grew less greedy, more worshipful.
We spent hours in-between talking. More than we have ever talked before. Teddy and I have always been close but there are walls that I refuse to tear down for anyone. Walls I built when I was robbed of my innocence. But I know Teddy. He’s like a jackhammer. Hard, strong, and made to break through solid rock. And the scary part is, I’m willing to let him.
What he doesn’t realize is that if Cesar ever does find me, Teddy’s fate will be the same as mine. But I’m not sure I’m strong enough to tell him no.
October 11, 1999
Teddy’s worried about me. I’m worried about me. I know this isn’t healthy, but I’m so overwhelmed with fear.
Afraid that if he finds me, I’ll lose them both forever. That the only happiness I’ve ever truly known will be stripped away from me.
I find myself asking what would’ve happened if I hadn’t run? Tears fill my eyes each time I look at her because I know what my fate would have been.
And hers.
Sadness and fear grip my heart regularly, and I find it hard to get out of bed some days because I’m always thinking today could be the day. The day I’m torn away from them.
I’m sick of running though. I’m sick and tired of letting this fear consume my life.
November 20, 1999
Teddy and I got into a huge fight tonight. He wants me to see someone. I’ve become more and more depressed lately. To the point where I don’t even want to get out of bed. I know he’s concerned but a therapist isn’t going to help me through this. I’m not sure what will, but talking about it is the last thing I want to do.
All I want to do is forget.
So I told him I would write it down instead. Maybe if I tell my secrets to these blank pages it will help eliminate some of the constant pressure in my chest.
When I was sixteen I ran away from home. My father was sexually abusive. It went on for several years before I finally found the courage to tell my mother, who didn’t believe me. She called me a liar, a slut, and told me if he was abusing me it was all my fault. That I enticed him. Me, a thirteen-year-old girl, enticing a grown man.
I was devastated, broken, and utterly distraught.
The abuse continued and got worse after he found out I’d told, so one night, I stuffed everything I could in a backpack and ran.
My friend, Teddy, lived next door with his parents and was three years older than me. He was the only friend I really had. The only person I trusted. He knew what was happening and he’d wanted to step in several times, even threatening to call the authorities, but I knew if he did they would send me away.
He had a job lined up in California, so the night I ran, he took me with him. I dyed my hair, changed my name, got a job waitressing, and started taking night classes to get my GED.
Then, two years later, my life drastically changed again. I’d earned my GED and enrolled in night classes at the community college but the waitress job wasn’t cutting it anymore to pay for my tuition, and I refused to let Teddy pay, even though his job as a diesel mechanic paid more than enough. I wanted to make it on my own. It was important to me.
I quit my job waitressing and started working at a nightclub called Santana. It was a high-end nightclub where a lot of politicians and rich people spent their time. My income tripled and I was finally able to afford a place of my own. Teddy begged me not to leave. I knew he had feelings for me but I didn’t reciprocate at the time. He was more like an older brother than a lover, but he was also all I had in the world so I didn’t move far, the next building over from his in our apartment complex actually, but I was doing it all on my own and that’s what mattered to me the most.
One night, after my shift, I was walking to my car when a dark figure appeared, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in a dirty cell in Mexico with several other women. I stayed there for days or weeks, I still don’t know. We were given minimal food and water until a man came to prepare us for sale. Cesar just so happened to be visiting my captor that day, and when he saw me, he wanted me as his own. According to him, he paid a pretty high price for me, too. He never let me forget that.
I was taken to his home where he trained me to be his sex slave. After a while, it became second nature. It was what I had to do in order to survive. I was terrified beyond belief but Cesar gave me shelter and food and sometimes, even mercy. Though, those moments were few and far between. I stayed there for five years before I finally summoned the courage to escape through one of Cesar’s elaborate tunnels.
I just wish I could forget that night altogether. The night his brother raped me. It burns in my mind like a hot iron against my skin, branding me over and over and over again.
His hands tearing at my dress.
His palm wrapped tight around my throat.
His alcohol-soaked breath fanning my face.
I long to forget it all but I can’t. I don’t know how.
Cesar had left me no choice in my servitude, so I’d submitted to his needs and desires rather quickly in order to avoid punishment. It was what I had to do in order to survive.
But what Carlito did was far worse.
He stripped me of more than my free will.
He robbed me of the capacity to compartmentalize. After that night, I knew I had to
escape.
Even though that was the worst day of my life, she was the beautiful consequence. I have never regretted keeping her, and I never will. For all intents and purposes, Teddy is her father and will always be. He adores her and would lay down his life for her if it meant keeping her safe. Sometimes I catch him holding her, gazing down at her with such immense pride it makes my heart clench in my chest. I love him so very much but I have no idea how to open up to him. To let him in. I’m so scared that once I do he won’t want all the broken pieces he finds. Or what’s even scarier, he won’t have a clue how to put me back together. She’s the only sure thing I have in my life. The only reason I am able to get out of bed each and every day. The only reason I want to fight.
Pain grips my heart like an unforgiving vice. I read her words once more, letting them sink in.
My uncle is my father.
He raped my mother.
My body trembles as the notebook falls from my hands to the floor. Throwing open the door, I rush down the porch steps, emptying my stomach into the bushes.
“Oh God, no.” I heave.
How could my mother ever look at me with any kind of love after that? No wonder she slipped into a depression. It must have been the worst feeling in the world, looking at me and being reminded of that night every day of her life.
A hand touches my back and I flinch. “Baby, what’s wrong?”
I purge again, the nausea in my belly growing stronger.
“My—my uncle.”
“What about him? Was he here?” Justin asks, looking around.
I shake my head, unable to catch my breath.
Justin guides me inside, sitting me down on the sofa. “Stay here.”
He rushes off and I try to get a hold of my emotions. I can’t believe what I just read, and trying to digest it is like trying to swallow a thousand swords.
Justin returns, setting down a glass of water in front of me. He lifts my chin and wipes my face with a cold cloth before setting it aside and handing me the glass of water. “Here, drink this slowly.”
I take a sip from the glass, the cool water soothing my raw throat.
“Now tell me what happened.”
“I was reading my mother’s journal and…” My lip trembles, the weight of the knowledge nearly too heavy to bear. “Cesar isn’t my father. Carlito is.”
As she tells me everything, I can only see red. Blinded with rage over what these men did to her mother. The pain they’ve inflicted on her.
Cradling her soft face in my hands, I hold her eyes. “I swear to you, I will not rest until your mother’s death has been avenged and you are completely safe.”
She nods, and I pull her into my chest.
“He’s a monster. How could he do that to her?”
Anger nips at my gut, pulse pounding with fury.
“I want to see Teddy,” she weeps, lifting her head.
I glance at my watch, noting the time. “It’s a little late, are you sure you don’t want to wait until morning?”
“Please, I need to see him.”
After giving Pop a call to make sure Teddy is awake, we make our way up to the main house. I need to put a call in to Morales to let him know what we have discovered but that will have to wait until I get Selena settled.
By the time we arrive at the main house, it’s pouring outside. Thunder booms followed up by spider webs of lightning flashing across the sky.
“Jesus, where did this storm come from?” I ask, walking into the house. Pop and Teddy are sitting at the kitchen table, each with a cup of coffee.
“It was supposed to stay farther to the north but looks like we’re gonna get pummeled instead,” Pop replies, casually taking a sip from his mug.
Selena walks over to the kitchen table, taking a seat next to Teddy. He senses her right away, his hand reaching out to find hers. “What is it, my dear?”
“I—I’ve been reading Mama’s journals.”
Lifting his jaw, I can see the bob of his throat as he attempts to hold back his emotion.
Her eyes fill with tears and her bottom lip quivers. “Did you know? Did you know she was ra—raped?”
She can barely say the fucking word, each letter coated in her agony.
“I had suspected but she never told me what happened.”
“Carlito is my father.”
Teddy’s face pales.
“What?”
Selena tells him everything she told me, my gut twisting in anguish at every spoken word. Pop is not fairing any better. He’s just as pissed as I am and judging by the flex of his jaw, he’s about ready to hunt down Carlito himself.
Not before I get my hands on him though.
“It ate at her for a long time. I wanted her to see someone. To get help. She wouldn’t talk to me about it. And that killed me because she talked to me about everything. There wasn’t anything I didn’t know about your mother. Her hopes, her dreams, her fears, she gave all of it to me. But not that. No matter how many times I begged, she wouldn’t tell me what happened to her and how she escaped. And later, after you and her were gone and I was alone, I realized why.”
“Why?”
“Because she was protecting me. She knew what knowing would do to me. She knew it would send me over the edge. Someone hurting her that way”—he shakes his head, voice growing thick and shaky—“it would have killed me.”
Selena leans in, wrapping her arms around his neck, embracing him. Pop and I step out into the mudroom, giving them some privacy.
Rain pours harder on the roof.
“I want to kill that motherfucker with my bare hands. To think that piece of shit was in my home,” Pop grits.
“I know. I need to call Morales and fill him in, see if they have anything new, and if not they better start digging fucking deeper because I’m not sitting on this shit.”
“What’s the plan?”
“Hunt the bastard down and deal with him myself.”
“That’s my boy,” Pop praises, slapping a hand to my shoulder. “I got your back if you need it.”
Another loud boom crashes and the lights flicker twice before going out.
“Shit,” Pop curses, moving back into the kitchen and I follow, pulling out my phone to use as a flashlight.
I shine it toward Selena and Teddy. “You two all right?”
“We’re fine,” she replies, squinting at the bright light.
Pop turns on the LED lantern he keeps handy for power outages, setting it down on the center island. Asher walks into the kitchen, wiping the sleep from his eyes. “Sounded like a goddamn bomb went off.”
“Power’s out.”
“I can see that, Pop,” Asher fires back, rubbing a hand down his face. “Can’t sleep without a damn fan.”
My phone rings from the pocket of my jeans. Pulling it out, I find Dino’s name lighting up the screen.
“Hey, Dino, what’s up?”
He pants heavily on the other end of the line. “Need help down at the stable. Lightning hit the barn and the horses are going nuts. Jack Daniels tried to jump out of his stall. His leg is hurt something bad.”
“We’re on our way.”
Pop is in motion before I even have a chance to tell him what’s going on, grabbing his keys and rounding us up each a flashlight. He hands one to Asher. “All hands on deck,” Pop says.
“I need to go change clothes first.”
“Nonsense. Slip on Justin’s huntin’ boots and grab a coat. I need you to bring the generator back up here while we help Dino with the horses.”
Asher scoffs but complies with Pop’s demands.
I turn my attention back to Selena. “Will you be okay while I’m gone?”
“Of course, we’ll be fine.”
“I’ll take care of her,” Teddy informs me.
Leaning down, I give her a quick kiss on the lips. “Be back as soon as I can.”
Pop and Asher are already in the pickup when I walk out into the garage. As we head toward the stabl
e, an uneasy feeling settles in my gut. I know it’s probably the chaos of the night that has me feeling this way. The storm, the looming knowledge of what Selena discovered, and the potential danger that lies ahead, but I shove it all aside as we pull up to the stable.
The guys aren’t gone for very long before the power comes back on but Rosco won’t stop barking.
“What is it, boy?” I ask, looking out the kitchen window. The rain is coming down so hard I can’t see anything.
Teddy taps his leg and Rosco comes over to rest his jowls on his thigh.
“Looks like you found a new friend.”
“He’s a good boy. Very intuitive.” Rosco wags his tail as Teddy scratches the back of his ear.
“I think I’ll put on another pot of coffee. I’m sure the guys will need something warm when they get back. This rain is crazy.”
With another boom of thunder, Rosco goes nuts again, his deep howl making the hairs on my arms stand on end. Teddy rises from his seat, reaching for his cane to steady himself before walking into the living room. Rosco flanking him.
I continue making coffee, trying to keep my mind occupied. Exhaustion weighs down my shoulders, the revelations of the night finally beginning to take their toll.
After I have the coffee going, I go in search of Teddy and Rosco but they are nowhere to be found. The front door is standing halfway open, a gust of air pushing it to smack the wall.
“Teddy?” I walk out onto the porch, expecting to find him there but pain explodes behind my eyes when I’m struck from behind.
My head throbs as I fall forward, my cheek smacking the wood of the porch. Darkness teases my consciousness but I do everything I can not to let it take me under.
“Get up,” the familiar voice orders, and I somehow summon enough strength to lift my head, a pair of wet, shiny shoes directly in my line of sight.
Pushing from the floor, I get up on my knees then to my feet. I sway, reaching for the back of my head, fingers prodding the wet stickiness. My vision comes into focus long enough to see dark eyes piercing mine. The anger and rage burning inside of me bubbles to the surface.
