by Kelly Mahon
For sure. So what does he need to record all your sound effects? Do I have to rent a microphone or something? Just tell me what to get. You guys can come over as early as you need to record all the sounds and combine them or whatever. I know you have a lot to cover. I can get some bagels if you guys want too. Thanks man.
I think the idea is he would do it all on his computer and just send you the file. Some amazing things he can do with sound effects.
Oh ok, so you’ll record it right into my computer then. Cool. Just so you know, one of the African gray parrots knows how to talk. Some kid taught him to swear so he curses up a storm sometimes. You should incorporate that into your parrot impression.
I don’t think you’re understanding. This guy has thousands of sound effects of animals already on his computer. He can put them together to sound like a pet shop. That way all you need to do is press “play” during your phone call, and it will sound like a real pet shop.
I’m a good actor, but I can’t make three different sounds at the same time. Also I’m really worried about these animals…
Basically, I don’t think we need to be there in person, is what I’m saying.
Forget about the animals. I’m the one you should be worried about—I’m in deep.
Plus I dumped so much food in all their cages before I left the other night, they’ll be fine for at least a few more days. I think I get what you’re saying about playing the sound effects now. I didn’t realize you already recorded them on his computer. You’re two steps ahead of me man! Can you send me what you did so I can have a listen?
Ha, we didn’t record them. These are real animal sounds that he already has. I can send over a sample later. If you like it, you can arrange to pay him.
I don’t understand. Where did you find the animals? When did you do all of this???
My friend is a sound editor. That means he has thousands of sound effects on his computer for work, including animal sounds. So I’m asking him to put together a sample for you. It might take a few hours.
Yes, I get it. I’m not an idiot. But WHERE did he find all these animals to record on his computer? Maybe I’m not asking this clearly. Can you ask him if he has two gerbils fighting?
He went to Africa to record lions. He went to the ocean to record fish.
I said a bunch of rodents, man. These two gerbils in there, they are always going at it. It would be so believable if when my friend calls, I can be like “Hang on man, those two gerbils are fighting again, you know the ones. Let me go break this up,” and then he hears the gerbils fighting in the distance and me breaking it up.
Oh sorry man you’re right, I forgot. I’ll ask if he can do gerbils.
I’ve been thinking about this and I think I’d just feel better doing it live. We’d have more control. Besides, how am I supposed to play a recording on my phone if I’m using it for the phone call?
I’m just not convinced that one or two people can sound like an entire pet shop.
You could play the sounds off a laptop?
Don’t have one. Look, if you bring the sound editor, the scamper sound guy, and yourself that’s three. And you’re such a good actor you can probably switch really fast from parrot to frog to chinchilla etc. Just a few seconds of each: squawk holy shit fuck—ribbit ribbit—squeak squeak. Like that.
A real actor wouldn’t turn this down. I never give up. But the sound editor is terrible at that kind of stuff. He’s only a yellow belt with sound effects. I guess I could bring my kids? They make weird noises all the time (hint hint gerbils).
Do you have any friends (female/attractive/good at cooking) that could help us?
I see…I should set you up with my sister…
Can I get her headshot? Also how’d the phone call go?
The last time I sent her photo to a stranger she got very angry with me. But you’d get along great, being two single parents and all. She’s also good at squawking…different kind of squawking. Phone call went fine. Turns out there was a small explosion in the shop and the fire department had to break in. A true blessing in disguise.
Out of loop Mom desperate to learn secret language
I’m the mother of three teenagers and recently they’ve been speaking this language at home that I can’t understand. I’ve come to learn it’s pig latin. Every night at the dinner table they talk to each other and I have no idea what is going on. I think they’re using it as code to talk about sex, drugs, and beer. I need someone to give me some lessons in this language. I jotted down something I overheard them say last night below. Maybe you can translate it to prove you can understand it and then we can schedule a lesson.
“isthay eatloafmay astastay ikalay itshay”
Hi,
My name is Meg, I’m responding to the ad you posted. One question.
Did you have meatloaf for dinner last night?
Hello, thank you for responding. Yes we did have meatloaf for dinner last night! It’s their absolute favorite meal that I cook. How did you know that exactly?
That’s what I thought…I hate to be the bearer of bad news but what your kids said was “This meatloaf tastes like shit.” They were speaking in pig latin.
Well, that can’t be right. They practically lick their plates clean when I make this meatloaf. I leave the room for one minute and it’s gone.
Haha I’m so sorry, but that’s definitely what they said. It’s pig latin. I can teach you how to speak it, it’s actually very simple once you know how.
Why would they say that Meg.
I don’t know…maybe they’re scared to tell you. A lot of people don’t like meatloaf. Especially kids.
So they’ll say it to each other in a secret language right under my nose? What else are they talking about right in front of me that I don’t know about!??
Who knows. They’re teens. And a lot of people don’t love meatloaf. I’m not a huge fan of it myself, admittedly.
If you ate one bite of mine you would probably beg for seconds. Also, I use catsup on my meatloaf, which teens love.
Haha maybe. I think a lot of people use ketchup though? Do you still want to learn pig latin or talk about meatloaf recipes all day? Lol.
Yes I do. You’re almost as fresh as my kids are with that mouth. Lucky for you I’m not your mother.
Haha. I don’t mean to be!
Hm. So how do my kids all know this pig latin? Where does one learn to speak it?
Well it’s a made up language. It’s been around for a long time, a lot of kids speak it for fun or to prevent adults or non speakers from understanding what they’re saying…as you know. Like I said I can teach you.
Ok well are you sure you know how to speak it correctly then? Maybe they were saying this meatloaf is so delicious and you misinterpreted.
I am 100% sure that I translated it correctly. I can teach you. Are you offering any sort of compensation?
Well why don’t we try another so I can see if you really know how to speak it. I wrote down a few things I heard them say this week. What does this mean?
“iyay oundfay ickorlay inyay ommaysay edicinemay abinetcay”
I found liquor in mom’s medicine cabinet.
Oh my god.
I wouldn’t get too worried. Maybe just sit them down and have a talk. I’ll teach you how to translate so they won’t be able to do this in front of you anymore.
What does this mean:
“ichwhay oneyay ofyay om’smay oyfriendsbay eptslay overyay astlay ightnay”
Are they really saying these things? Why don’t I just teach you so you understand what they’re saying and I don’t have to keep translating. That is what the ad posting was for, right?
What about this one. Please.
“iyay oundfay ayay egnancypray esttay inyay ethay arbagegay”
Just take the first letter of each word, move it to the end, and add “ay,” that is it.
Assistance eating burritos
I recently broke most of the bones in my body and am in a full body cast. I’m not looking for sympathy, it’s all good—I moved back in with my mom and she’s taking great care of me. But there’s one thing she won’t do. She thinks I eat too many burritos…I don’t care, I love burritos and I’m gonna find a way to eat them. I can have the burrito delivered, but I have no way of eating it by myself. I need someone to come feed it to me through the mouth hole of my cast every day for the next few months. Email me if you’re interested, it’s been four days since my last burrito and I’m jonesing for one.
Hi, my name is Joe. I am available to help.
Thanks man. I love my mom and all but she is killing me. She’s been making me eat healthy when all I want is a goddamn burrito. I can’t move at all, I’m just lying in bed, at least let me eat what I want. I ordered one for lunch today and it literally just sat in the kitchen. I could smell it from my bed. She basically force fed me a vegetable smoothie instead. It was disgusting.
No problem. When do you need me? How long and how much?
I could probably use you this week and as long as I’m in this cast, which could be weeks or months. The only thing is I have to figure out what the best time of day is. Has to be when my mom is out or distracted enough that you can sneak in and feed me without her knowing.
I’m too old for this. Just stop eating burritos.
Um, easy for you to say. You’re not the one stuck in a full body cast at your mom’s house on a liquid diet against his own will.
Look, I know you don’t want to help me, but I’m desperate. I tried ordering another burrito for dinner tonight. I even gave specific instructions to the delivery guy to walk right into the house and find me with the burrito already unwrapped for faster entry into my mouth, and of course my mother intercepted it in the living room…Not before the mouthwatering smell of hot pork and beans reached my nostrils. It was honestly torture. I need help ASAP.
But I’m inviting you man. It’s fine. Look, I think she’s driving to Woodbury Commons some time in the next few days to do some shopping so that should be an all day affair. I ordered a breakfast burrito this morning because, well, I’m not a quitter and she fed it to our dog dude.
Ok, so my mom will be out shopping for the whole day tomorrow. You can just slip right in with a burrito or I can order one and you can meet the delivery guy at the door, whichever you choose, and then bring it to me in bed. When you get here, we can figure out the best technique to keep the burrito from falling apart as you feed it to me. I’m sort of lying at a weird angle and as you know, they can get very messy and fall apart if you don’t hold them correctly. We need to be careful not to make a mess. If my mom comes home and finds rice and beans everywhere, the jig will be up.
Hey, me again. I have a backup plan. Would you mind bringing a bag of tortilla chips with you when you come? I think our best bet to not make a mess is to line my stomach with a layer of chips to catch any falling burrito bits. Then when we’re done with the burrito, we’ll have nachos, and those might even be easier to feed me.
Your mom can come home unexpectedly saying she forgot something or a neighbor can see me coming in your house. If the police get called I will get locked up. I’m 39 years old. Too old for that man.
It’s easy man. Obviously I haven’t made it to an ATM recently, but I have a checkbook. Just put the pen in my mouth, same as the burrito and I’ll write you a check.
And if the police get called I’ll talk to them. I’m very persuasive in my current state, people feel so sorry for me they don’t even know what to do.
How much are you offering bro?
Well what do you think is fair?
I really don’t want to do something like this man honestly. As I said, I am 39 years old. This is something for a friend or a buddy of yours. If I do it, it has to be worthwhile. Like $150.00.
Fine, ok. Do you know how to pick a lock?
Help finding ants
I knocked over my son’s ant farm. He’s very attached to these ants so I need someone to come help me find them all and put them back into the farm. They’re running around everywhere. I wouldn’t let my son take the farm with him to his dad’s this weekend and now I’ve spilled them all over. He is going to kill me. I need to do this before he gets home tonight.
It’s a waste of money to pay someone for this, sadly this is a game of time. Put something sweet in the middle of the room on top of a paper and wait…You will get the majority of the ants to come. It has to be easily accessible.
Ok I will try that…
Something horrible happened…I stuck my hand in a jar of jelly to smear on the wall in my son’s room and when I tried to pull it out it got stuck. I kept pulling and I got it out but the jar went flying and broke and there is jelly EVERYWHERE. the couch, the floor, the carpets, the walls, THE CEILING.
Damn man…I guess I should have given more explicit instructions. I feel bad for you seriously…all that extra cleaning—I mean I hope something good comes of it.
MY SON IS GOING TO BE HOME IN AN HOUR AND I JUST TRIPPED AND STEPPED ON LIKE 40 ANTS.
You might just have to make the trip to the store man…shit is not looking up…I mean 40/200 is nothing, think he will notice?
I don’t know. I’m trying to lure them back into one spot, and they’re scrambling everywhere.
So, I was trying to clean up the jelly and I spilled a bowl of water and I think I drowned some more…like a lot more. I don’t even know how many ants I’ve killed at this point, but he WILL notice. The ant farm was a gift from his dad. He’s going to think I did this on purpose.
Damn….damn!!!! You gotta replace that shit! Take it easy though, keep a cool head.
You’re right, I need to get my chakras aligned. I’m going to put on headphones and play some meditative music while I vacuum up the dead ants. I need to hide the evidence and then I will get back to the live ones once I’m done.
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
What happened?
It’s really bad.
???
Hi. So I’m on my third glass of wine. Not only did I vacuum up about a hundred more ants, who even knows at this point, but right before I go to unplug it I hear this loud, ‘vwoop’ sound, right? Turn around and realize the vacuum hose is plugged up with something so it’s making this crazy noise. I pull it out of the wall and take out the bag and open it. Most of the ants are dead. I’m able to find maybe ten live ones. So I go back into my son’s room to put them into the farm. What do I see? His gerbil’s cage is knocked over….
Wow gotta replace that mother fucker too!!!! Damn, I honestly feel for you…
Why don’t you make the story like the gerbil got out and by the time you realized it, you saw the ants everywhere and you began to panic…one hell of a Friday night…
One hell of a Friday night.
Snake fashion show help
I’m having a fashion show for my pet snakes and I’m looking for some backstage help. All snakes will be modeling my own toeless sock designs. I make them into gorgeous little outfits. I’ll need wardrobe assistants to help with quick changes as well as wranglers for the models. Email if interested.
Hello,
I’m replying to your ad on Craigslist because for starters, it sounds awesome. I’ve always been good with animals.
I’ve snake-sat before, so I can handle snakes fairly well. At my old job (nightclub) two of my coworkers had pet snakes. They actually brought them to the club to party with them, like props. No, they never got harmed, I made sure.
Wow, that sounds very cool. I tried bringing snakes into a club once and almost got arrested. It is great to know you’ve handled snakes before though. T
his should be a cinch. Do you have any fashion experience?
I can sew a little bit if that’s what you mean. I do have a good eye for making things match. My old boss told me the only reason he hired me was because I’m stylish. I’m not trendy stylish, more like I find my own thing and go with it.
That sounds great. I need someone with an eye for fashion since there are so many outfits and quick changes. Many of the outfits have accessories, so you need to know what looks chic. Each snake has about four to five outfit changes. By the fifth, they tend to get a little irritable. You’ll be wrangling them at the same time, so your keen fashion sense should help you despite all the angry snake distractions.
Great! All this sounds doable. How many snakes and how big are they?
Mostly pythons and boas but a few smaller snakes as well. Sometimes some of the non-constrictors try to eat each other, so you have to make sure they all behave. I especially don’t want them to eat each other backstage in their costumes. Not sure snakes can digest sequins.
I see, I see. That’s a decent amount. Somehow I’m not surprised about the whole trying to eat each other. Will the snakes be in tanks/cages/tables or just roaming round? Will each model be designated a certain amount of snakes to change their outfits and watch over?
Well, the snakes are the models so I’m not sure what you mean.
I see your point, I apologize. I’m a model, so I thought you were hiring models to assist with the snakes throughout the event. My wording was wrong.
