by Kelly Mahon
Cathy, Cathy, Cathy…You know I love the taste of my TV dinners. Plus I have like a million of them in my freezer now. I would really hate for those to go to waste. How are your plating skills these days? If I remember correctly, they were a bit low on the plating scale. I take it you’ve been brushing up?
Finish the frozen “nasty” and then you should at least try me for 1 shop & cook.
What is the nasty?
The “nasty” = processed TV dinners. As opposed to all fresh and homemade.
Forgive me, my slang is not up to date. Yeah these dinners are nasty and fresh for sure. I don’t think you answered the whole garnish question. Would you be able to dress up a plate with a garnish? Some herbs or a light drizzle on the dish? Most of the meals come with pretty liquid-y sauces.
I could but honestly not enough $$. If you decide you’d like to try some real food let me know.
Is it the whole microwave thing? Honestly they’re very easy to operate. You just push the numbers to set the time you want to cook the dinner for.
Gross.
House sitter needed for upstate manor
Escape the city for a few days and relax in the middle of nature. It’s like renting an Airbnb, but it’s free. All you have to do is look after a few things…very easy. You will have the run of the estate, pool, and liquor cabinet. Just follow the rules (which I will share), respect the furniture, and please water my plants. The house is situated in a heavily wooded area with a ton of privacy and nature right at your fingertips.
Hi, my name is Lisa. I’d be ecstatic to sit your home. It sounds like a great opportunity to get some peace and quiet and meditation, which I could use. I actually really love plants. I helped plant flowers in the community garden last weekend so your babies will be fine with me. I hope to hear from you soon. If you’d like you can give me a call.
Hello. Nice to hear from you Lisa. I have to head out of town next week so I would need you to go up to my house and…keep an eye on things. Ideally you could arrive Monday and stay the week. If you are able to do that, I will tell you a bit more about the house and the grounds.
Yes, I would be able to do that. Please tell me more. I’m excited. lol
Ok. Will it just be you?
Yes
Ok. I will send you a code for the security gate and I will leave a key beside the third gargoyle on the veranda. This key is to the front door. There is a second key that is for the shed in the backyard. You shouldn’t need to get into the shed but I’ll leave the key on the key ring just in case. So the house is quite large…thirteen bedrooms, most of them are empty and unused. You can take your pick of any of them except one. You will know which one it is because it is locked with a red X painted on the door. There are plants in the study and the kitchen that need watering.
Okay, do you have any pets that need tending?
No pets. And by the way, if you see a cloaked figure roaming around the property at any point, it is likely the groundskeeper, Allen. He has a horrible allergy to the sun and keeps his face and skin covered entirely at all times.
Okay, what’s the address and if I get a little lonely can I bring my friend?
Yes, but just the one friend. And you should tell them everything I am telling you about the house. I will send you the address as soon as we are confirmed. There are a few more things you should know. This is not a big deal but there is sometimes a draft in the study. I don’t know why but at night it tends to get very cold in certain spots. Also, the house is very old and the pipes make quite a bit of noise so if you hear strange sounds like whispers or rapping coming from inside the walls, that’s all that is.
Strange noises and men in cloaks are nothing to be afraid of nor are the whispers as long as they don’t say my name. And I love to be cold so when would you like to meet?
That’s right, there’s nothing to be afraid of at all. I just wanted to give you fair warning so there are no surprises. Also please ignore the old doll collection in the attic. They belonged to my great-aunt.
Anyway, I will not be able to meet you but like I said, I will leave the house key along with the key to the panic room right next to the third gargoyle in front of the house and you can let yourselves in.
Okay. What are the directions to the house and what’s the code to the panic room? Oddly I love old dolls so no worries, I won’t go snooping. I’m only there to water the plants.
Oh dear, I meant to say shed.
The code is to open the front gate that will let you onto the property. I will give this to you next week. One more thing, do NOT, under any circumstances, go down to the basement. I cannot stress this enough. If you hear something odd, remember what I said about the pipes. If the power goes out again, the circuit breaker is located in the front foyer. Do not dare set foot in the basement no matter what.
Okay cool. Do you need me to remind Allen about his medication?
I appreciate that, but it’s not a good idea. Allen hears enough voices as it is. He came to me from a mental institution and does not like being confronted. Better off just leaving him be. I’m not sure if I mentioned this but there is no cell service at the house, so you and your friend will be off the grid for the week. Should be very relaxing.
Piñata wanted
We’re throwing my kid a birthday party this weekend. Looking for someone to come be a human piñata. Totally get it’s weird, but it’s what he wants and well, we like to spoil him a little bit on his birthday.
Good Evening,
I hope this message finds you well. My name is Dan and I would like to help make your son’s birthday extra special by being a human piñata. Yes, I realize it’s a bit of a different gig, but I take all work seriously and I’ve worked in an elementary school for the past 6 years so I’m used to how quirky kids can be. lol
I have attached my resume which includes my picture. If you are interested, you can reach me here or at xxx-xxxx. Thank you and have a great weekend!
Hey Dan, thanks for your email. Sounds like you might be just the guy for the job. Do you own any sort of costumes by any chance? Or multicolored clothing you could wear? The visual I have in my head is that rainbow donkey look, but really I guess a piñata could be anything.
Hmmm…I don’t have anything specifically multi colored, but if you give me 10 minutes I can put some outfits on and send pics? I am going to try to combine my most colorful garments!
Okay so I managed to make 2 outfits. As you will see, one of them is an ugly Christmas suit. I know it’s not Christmas, but it’s very colorful. Let me know what you think.
Ok sure, that works. We can wrap you in party streamers if you look nothing like a piñata. How much do you weigh if you don’t mind my asking? Trying to figure out the rig.
Sounds good! I am 159 lbs.
It might hold you but I don’t want to take any chances. There’s some scaffolding out in front of our building I might be able to suspend you from if there’s no construction going on that day. Basically you just have to hang there and let them hit you. If they get in a good whack, toss some candy and watch ’em go nuts.
I understand, and I certainly would not want to ruin your ceiling fan. And here I thought I was lean! Lol. And okay sounds good. I can throw candy for every hit and I’ll even throw in some silly puns here and there as well. When were you looking to have the party?
This Saturday. And good news…I touched base with the construction company and they don’t work on Saturdays so the scaffolding is all ours. We’ll figure out how to get you up there. Best way might be to tie one end of a rope around your waist and the other to the back of my pickup truck and pull up the street.
That might be the best way. Perhaps some clips to my waist as well the way rock climbers do it, or by manipulating the rope around my waist and under my arms.
Everything sounds great. Here’s hopin
g it doesn’t rain that day!
Same here buddy. So listen, the party starts at noon, we’ll be doing the piñata after lunch which puts us at about 2 PM. I have to figure out how the hell to get you up there using the clips so let’s start early so I can spend the rest of the morning worrying about the rest of the party. Can you get here around 7? I’ll have you hanging up there by 8/8:30. I have a feeling once the guests arrive it’s going to be mayhem.
Okay, so this coming Saturday, arrival at 7. Sounds good. I’m going to mark this into my schedule now. I am also going to speak to some friends and see if they have ideas in regards to how to be hung up there, utilizing a scaffold.
Yeah, maybe bring a book to read while you’re hanging up there since you’ll have a few hours to kill.
Hey! Sorry, hectic weekend. But sounds good. I’ll either bring a book or use my phone!
Ok great. And listen, I have to warn you, a couple of our neighbors are a little bat shit. The woman right below us is the worst. She hates kids so she’ll do anything to spoil their fun.
LOL okay. I mean I do tend to be a bit of a charmer, so perhaps I can sweet talk her while up there. Some old ladies just wanna feel young again :)
She’s a real piece of work, this one. She once complained to our landlord that my son was riding his scooter around the apartment making a racket. He doesn’t even have a scooter. He’s sixteen. My main concern is that she’ll call the cops—we’ll need to have a plan for if she does.
Well hopefully her and the rain stay away!
Yeah, Dan, we’re gonna have this party rain or shine so hope you’re on board to get slightly soaked. As for Mrs. Henderson, my main concern is the police showing up again if she complains. Really something I don’t need to deal with on Saturday so if you wouldn’t mind just taking one for the team and dealing with the cops, that would be awesome.
Quite an amount of stuff going on. How much does the gig pay?
I can’t say that I’ve ever hired anyone to do something like this before. Not sure how to price it. What do you think?
Well it is odd to price, and there are a number of factors that play into it (7-3 time slot, hung from a scaffold in public during a rainy day and exposed to not only your neighbor but potential malicious passersby, possibly dealing with law enforcement and finally dealing with a 16 year old beating me with no safe word as opposed to a younger child).
So with all of those factors involved, I was thinking $250.
Dan, I’ll level with you. Yes, it is supposed to downpour on Saturday and yes my neighbor is a nightmare, but to be honest, you’re really only working for about 20 minutes. The rest of the time is free for you to do with as you please…read a book, do a crossword, take a nap. And not sure I’ll be able to lower you until around 8 pm by the way but like I said, hang out and do whatever you want.
Wait, so even though the piñata aspect is 20 min, I would be literally hanging up there from 8 AM - 8 PM?
Correct. There’s a lot going on that day man. I’ll be chasing after about thirty teenagers. I can’t be fussing with a crane until everyone has been picked up by a parent and I’m no longer responsible for them.
Tea Party
Growing up, I had a ton of dolls. I used to ritually brush their hair and have tea parties with them every single day. Now that I’m an adult, and my childhood dolls have been taken from me, I’m looking for someone who will come over and let me brush their hair and have tea parties with me. We can even put real vodka in the cups instead of just pretending. When I finish all the vodka, I’m DEFINITELY going to want to brush your hair. Email me if you’re interested in helping me recreate the days of my childhood.
Hello,
My name is Ashley. I’m replying to your Craigslist ad. I found it interesting. In my childhood I would dress up my plushies, take them out for walks and make homes for them. I would gladly help you recreate your tea parties from childhood. I can make real tea and I’m good at baking.
Cheers
Hi Ashley, thanks for your email. I would love for you to join my tea party. Let me tell you a little bit about them. What I usually do is set up a small table in my apartment with some dolls that I keep in a box under my bed and you in a cute dress that I will lend you. I’ll set up a small spread with some finger foods and cups filled with vodka. You can have tea if you’d like, but I like to sip straight vodka. Then we’ll have quiet time for about an hour while I brush your hair 100 strokes. Let me know if you have any other questions, happy to answer.
Sounds great. When were you planning this for?
I’ll have to check my roommates’ schedules. They seriously hate when I do this so I usually like to schedule it for when I know they won’t be home. Do you like vodka?
Oh okay. Keep me posted.
I do like vodka, but only if mixed with something. But again I would like to brew some tea. Since it is a tea party.
You and this tea. Ok, sure. I’ll 100% be drinking vodka.
Hey! You can put a little bit of vodka in my tea. Yes, I’ll wear eyelashes. Will you provide them?
Yes, I will glue them onto your eyelids when we are getting you ready. I used to sometimes draw fake eyeballs on my doll’s eyelids so they could stay awake forever. Can I do that to you too? We’ll probably need about half an hour to get you ready.
Yes, that’s fine.
Ok great! So I will glue lashes on and then draw eyeballs onto your lids with black permanent marker. Would you mind if I put a little bit of blush and light pink lipstick on you too? That would really complete the look.
Yes, that’s okay! Anything else I should know?
Ok great! Yes, there’s more. My mother used to get furious at me for doing this to my dolls so I can’t even believe I’m asking, but sometimes I used to take markers and scribble lines all over their arms, legs, and faces. I don’t know why I did this, all I know is that it was really fun. Would I be able to draw all over you with markers after I brush your hair for a while? Something tells me it would feel really satisfying, especially after the amount of vodka I’ll have had.
Sure but for my body can it be washable markers rather than permanent?
It has to be permanent marker or it’s not the same.
Sigh, okay.
Well, not if you’re going to huff and puff about it.
I guess you’re right.
I am right. Just wondering if you’ve had a haircut or a trim recently?
No. Why?
Sometimes I used to give my dolls haircuts……
Haircuts is where I draw the line, I like my hair how it is now.
Ok. What about a trim…I really would like to cut it so badly.
I could wear a wig and you may cut that, BUT my real hair, out of the question.
Oh honey, I am not cutting my beautiful wigs.
Help finding cell phone
We’re going to need to act quickly. Long story short, I was going through my boyfriend’s phone to delete an unflattering nudie of myself this morning when he was getting ready for work. I knew he’d be pissed so when he walked into the kitchen looking for his phone, I panicked and shoved it into a lasagna. Since he was running late, he decided to leave for work without it. I’m catering a large party tonight, so I made 50 lasagnas, cooked half of them, and have no idea which one the cell phone is in. I need someone to come over and help me gently sift through all 50 lasagnas to find this phone before he gets home from work.
Haha! I’m sorry but this is too funny. If you’re serious, I can come over and help you find the phone.
1 sec sauce on hands
Lol ok
Hi. Sorry about that. I’ve been digging through lasagnas all morning. Now I’m using Siri so I don’t have to touch my phone. Hopefully she cooperates for once and my messages send like normal. I could really use your help. Ther
e is literally sauce everywhere. Has anything like this ever happened to you? Send. Yes. Send. Send. Siri send.
I can’t say that I have. I’ve lost my phone before but never anything like this. How did this happen???
I didn’t hear my boyfriend get out of the shower this morning. When he walked into the kitchen he startled me and so I just shoved the phone in the first place I could find. Then I had to act natural while he had his breakfast so I just kept making lasagnas and lost track of the phone.
Oh my god, that is too funny. Was the photo that bad? Why did you send it to him in the first place?
I did not send him this picture. He took it of me while I was sleeping. My mouth is wide open and I am drooling. It is the worst picture ever taken.
And I thought me and my boyfriend were crazy! I hear you though. That photo has to go. I would be pissed! Do you need my help?
Yes. Do you think you’d be able to very gently peel through the layers of lasagna to look for the phone? You have to be very careful. I’ve already ruined two trays and I really don’t have time to make new ones.
Lol I think I would be, but have you tried calling the phone?
Not even worth it. He of course keeps his phone on silent, making my life difficult without even trying. Send. Send. Send. Fucking send.
Why don’t you try poking something thin into the lasagnas like a toothpick or a chopstick to see if you hit the phone? If you need me to come, I can.
My boyfriend just called me from his office. He’s coming home at lunch to look for the phone himself. He’ll have a lot of questions if you’re here when he gets here so we have to wait until he leaves again. Any other ideas in the mean time? Fuck me! Fuck! Delete. Siri delete email.
