I leaned my backpack against the leg of the table and sat down across from her.
“Mama.”
Her eyes came into focus. She sighed. “Not this again, Evie.”
I swallowed. “Please, Mama, try to understand. I need to see more of the world than these walls.”
“What is there to see? Suffering? People starving? Go look at the TV if you want to see the world so badly. You know I’m right.”
We used to watch the news together. Every young girl abducted, every college girl who had her drink drugged was somehow a mark against me.
That could have been you, she would say.
Whereas most families might let the tragedy of strangers pass them by like waves, she would catch them, collect them, marking down their names and ages in her notebooks and checking whether they had been found in six months, a year, five years, until I felt like I was drowning in unseen violence.
“I don’t want to watch the news. I want to see things for myself. Ordinary things. I want to be ordinary. I want to live.”
She scowled. “Don’t be dramatic. You’re living here. You’re safe.”
I firmed. “No, Mama. I know you need to stay inside, but just as much, I need to go out into the world. Experience things for myself. And I’m going to. You can’t stop me this time.”
Her face seemed to crack. Plump tears slipped down her cheeks. “I don’t understand why you’re talking this way. What have I ever done but protect you?”
Guilt swelled my chest, but I forced it down. I would be strong.
“I can’t stay here. I love you, but I just can’t stay.”
“Evie, Evie, my baby.” She clasped her hands together, begging.
I knelt at her feet, taking her hands in mine. I could feel each bone, each tendon beneath the paper-dry skin.
“Please. Give me your blessing to leave. I’ll come back to visit. Maybe even move back to town after a while. I need to see something of the world first.”
“How are you going to afford it?”
I’d been lucky enough to get a job doing touchups for a small photography studio up the road when I was sixteen. I could do the work from home, and the paychecks were deposited directly in our account—well, technically my mother’s account. I wouldn’t take that money even if I could, knowing she didn’t have another source of income.
I did get a small weekly allowance, though, and had saved up a hundred and sixty dollars. Not enough to get me all the way to New York, not with paying for gas, food and motels along the way.
“I talked to someone through the college’s job placement system. There’s an opening at a photography studio up in Dallas.”
I’d work there for a while, saving up money and looking for another stop closer to Niagara Falls. That was the plan anyway.
She sniffed. “If you leave, you won’t ever come back.”
It was a pronouncement, bitter and unyielding.
“I will, I promise—”
“No.” She hardened, her tears drying as quickly as they’d come. “I mean it, Evie. You wouldn’t be welcome here anymore. You’d be one of them.”
The paranoia. I knew it was a sickness, but labeling it didn’t help me.
“I’m your daughter. Always.”
She shoved back from me. “If that were true, you wouldn’t leave me. If you leave, you wouldn’t be my daughter anymore.”
Her words sank into my stomach like a lead weight. No shock, only resignation. Maybe I had always known it would come to this.
“I love you, Mama,” I whispered, and it panged with permanence.
As if finally realizing I was serious, her eyes widened, filling with rage.
“You won’t last a second out there. Not one goddamn second, you hear me? You have no idea what kinds of things happen out there—”
“I do, Mama. Because you’ve told me every day that I can remember. Well, do you think nothing bad ever happens here? That I’m safe just because I’m trapped here? What about Allen?”
Her head jerked back as if I’d slapped her, and in a way, I had. We never talked about that, not even to the counselor.
Mama had dated a few men when I was very young, when she still left the house. The last man she dated was Allen. He had been so very understanding of her desire to spend nights at home instead of going out for dates, even if it meant her young daughter was in the way. My mother would take her pills and go to sleep and he would slip into my room.
One night, she caught him in the act. She’d kicked him out of the house the next day, and that fall, I’d stayed home to be homeschooled instead of going to ninth grade.
She had stopped dating altogether. She stopped going outside too. The world was too scary. Well, I was a little scared too, but I was even more terrified of rotting here. At least her isolation had led to me getting my driver’s license and the rust bucket I used to get groceries each week. It was a pumpkin turned into a carriage, ready to take me away from here.
I softened my voice. “I’m not mad at you for what happened. It wasn’t your fault.”
Her nostrils flared. “You ungrateful bitch. I picked you over him. Is this how you pay me back? By leaving?”
I steeled myself. “I’m going now. I’ll call in a few days to let you know I’m settled.”
A plate landed at my feet like a Frisbee, clattering harmlessly to the floor, shatter-resistant. I slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked to the door. A bowl of oranges spilled around my ankles. A mug thudded against my leg.
She screamed at me, and I kept walking. I wanted to be smug. I was finally getting what I wanted. I had done it. It was a victory. But I couldn’t shake the feeling I had left something important behind.
Not all those who wander are lost. I knew that, I believed it, but just now, with my mother sobbing obscenities while I drove away in my ten-year-old Honda, I felt very alone and a little bit lost.
Chapter Two
‡
The Niagara Falls mark the border of Ontario, Canada and New York, USA.
By late afternoon, I knew I’d taken a wrong turn. I’d only driven two hundred miles away from home. The three-lane highway had narrowed to one lane on either side, flanked by deep ditches and wide fields.
I’d only run occasional weekly errands in my car, and now I was driving across Texas—which felt as broad and wide as the world. The signs changed as soon as I left our small city. Different colors, different markings than the maps, and I soon found myself turned around and twisted.
I considered going back but I’d been driving this way for two hours. By the time I got back to the main freeway, it would be dark. I might miss it again and make everything worse. Besides, I was tired, hungry, and I really had to use the bathroom.
An exit sign had little pictographs for food, gas, and lodging. I pulled onto a smaller road, also devoid of cars or buildings. The pavement was smooth enough. The little reflective lights in the middle were comforting, like maybe I couldn’t be too far from civilization if they’d bothered with safety features.
Eventually I saw a complex up ahead, several buildings clumped together with a row of semi-trucks parked by the gas pumps. It looked like an all-in-one business, with hot food specials listed next to the gas prices and a vacancy sign for rooms to let.
Inside the tiny gas station building, a large balding man sat behind the counter while a tiny fan blew directly at his face. He looked me up and down in a way that made my skin crawl.
“How much?”
“I’m sorry?” I stammered.
Somehow, my mind had made a leap to something inappropriate, as if he were asking how much I would charge to have sex with him.
Crazy thought.
“How much gas?” He nodded toward my car at the pump.
I exhaled, feeling silly. Why had I even thought such a dirty thing? I felt bad for doubting him. That was the anxiety talking, secondhand anxiety leftover from all the lectures my mother had ever given me. Brushing off the embarrassing du
st of fear, I paid for my gas and rented a room for the night.
Forty dollars made a sizable dent in my small pocket of cash, but the musty bed and aging particle board furniture would be more comfortable than the back seat of my car. Even better, the door had a thick, shiny lock that looked like it had been replaced recently, as well as a latch that only opened from the inside. After examining all the entry points, I berated myself for paranoia again.
My stomach growled. The soda I had bought wouldn’t tide me over all night. Maybe I’d pick up some chips to go with it. My jeans and a T-shirt seemed stale and a little constricting after the long car ride.
I put on a loose-fitting sundress that fell below my knees. It was white and airy, darkening to baby blue at the hem. I had bought it on impulse from the Walmart about a month ago but never worn it before today. My mother would have said it invited men to sin with me. I thought it was pretty and normal, and hopefully it would help me fake my way to confidence. Slipping twenty bucks into my coin purse along with the room key, I set out.
My car cooled in the night air right outside my door, but there was no point driving such a short distance. The buildings of the gas station, the diner, and the motel rooms were nestled together amid a wide expanse of concrete in an even larger plain of empty farmland. The other motel rooms I passed seemed vacant, their windows dark and parking spaces empty.
I felt tiny out here. Would it always be this way now that I was free? Our seclusion at home had provided more than security. An inflated sense of pride, diminishing the grand scheme of things to raise our own importance. On this deserted sidewalk in the middle of nowhere, it was clear how very insignificant I was. No one even knew I was here. No one would care.
When I rounded the corner, I saw that the lights in the gas station were off. Frowning, I tried the door, but it was locked. It seemed surreal for a moment, as if maybe it had never been open at all, as if this were all a dream.
Unease trickled through me, but then I turned and caught site of the sunset. It glowed in a symphony of colors, the purples and oranges and blues all blending together in a gorgeous tableau. There was no beauty like this in the small but smoggy city where I had come from, the skyline barely visible from the tree in our backyard. This sky didn’t even look real, so vibrant, almost blinding, as if I had lived my whole life in black and white and suddenly found color.
I put my hand to my forehead, just staring in awe.
My God, was this what I’d been missing? What else was out there, unimagined?
I considered going back for my camera but for once I didn’t want to capture this on film. Part of my dependence on photography had been because I never knew when I’d get to see something again, didn’t know when I’d get to go outside again. I was a miser with each image, carefully secreting them into my digital pockets. But now I had forever in the outside world. I could breathe in the colors, practically smell the vibrancy in the air.
A sort of exuberant laugh escaped me, relief and excitement at once. Feeling joyful, I glanced toward the neat row of semi-trucks to the side. Their engines were silent, the night air still. The only disturbance: a man leaned against the side of one, the wispy white smoke from his cigarette curling upward. His face was shrouded in darkness.
My smile faded. I couldn’t see his expression, but some warning bell inside me set off. I sensed his alertness despite the casual stance of his body. His gaze felt hot on my skin. While I’d been watching the sunset, he’d been watching me.
When he suddenly straightened, I tensed. Where a second ago I’d felt free, now my mother’s warnings came rushing back, overwhelming me. Would he come for me? Hurt me, attack me? It would only take a few minutes to run back to my room—could I beat him there? But all he did was raise his hand, waving me around the side of the building. I circled hesitantly and found another entrance, this one to a diner.
Hesitantly, I waved my thanks. After a moment, he nodded back.
“Paranoid,” I chastised myself.
The diner was wrapped with metal, a retro look that was probably original. Uneven metal shutters shaded the green windows, where an OPEN sign flickered.
Inside, turquoise booths and brown tables lined the walls. A waitress behind the counter looked up from her magazine. Her hair was a dirty blonde, darker than mine, pulled into a knot. A thick layer of caked powder and red lipstick were still in place, but her eyes were bloodshot, tired.
“I heard we got a boarder,” she said, nodding to me. “First one of the year.”
I blinked. It was a cool April night. If I was the first one of the year, then that was a long time to go without boarders.
“What about all the trucks outside?”
“Oh, they sleep in their cabs. Those fancy new leather seats are probably more comfortable than those old mattresses filled with God-knows-what.” She laughed at her own joke, revealing a straight line of grayish teeth.
I managed a brittle smile then ducked into one of the booths.
She sidled over with a notepad and pen.
“We don’t usually see girls as pretty as you around here. Especially alone. You don’t got nobody to look after you?”
The words were spoken in accusation, turning a compliment into a warning.
“Just passing through,” I said.
She snorted. “Aren’t we all? Okay, darlin’, what’ll it be?”
Under her flat gaze, I turned the sticky pages of the menu, ignoring the stale smells that wafted up from it. Somehow the breakfast food seemed safest. I hoped it would be easier to avoid food poisoning with pancakes than a steak.
After the waitress took my order, I waited, tapping my fingers on the vinyl tabletop to an erratic beat. I was a little nervous—jittery, although there was no reason to be. Everyone had been nice. Not exactly welcoming, but then I was a stranger. Had I expected to make friends with the first people I met?
Yes, I admitted to myself, somewhat sheepishly. I had rejected my mother’s view that everyone was out to get me, but neither was everyone out to help me. I would do well to retain some of the wariness she’d instilled in me. A remote truck stop wasn’t the place to meet people, to make lasting relationships. That would be later, once I had started my job. No, even later than that, when I’d saved up enough to reach Niagara Falls. Then I could relax.
When my food came, I savored the sickly sweet syrup that saturated my pancakes. It would rot my teeth, my mother would have said. Well, she wasn’t here. A small rebellion, but satisfying and delicious.
The bell over the door rang, and I glanced up to see a man come in. His tan T-shirt hung loose while jeans hugged his long legs. He was large, strong—and otherwise unremarkable. He might have come from any one of those eighteen-wheelers out there, but somehow I knew he’d been the one watching me.
His face had been in the shadows then, but now I could see he had a square jaw darkened with stubble and lips quirked up at the side. Even those strong features paled against the bright intensity of his eyes, both tragic and terrifying. So brown and deep that I could fall into them. The scary part was the way he stared—insolently. Possessively, as if he had a right to look at me, straight in my eyes and down my neckline to peruse my body.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable in this dress, as if it exposed too much. I wished I hadn’t changed clothes. More disturbing, I wished I had listened to my mother. I looked back down at my pancakes, but my stomach felt stretched full, clenched tight around the sticky mass I’d already eaten.
I wanted to get up and leave, but the waitress wasn’t here and I had to pay the bill. More than that, it would be silly to run away just because a man looked at me. That was exactly what my mom would do.
Back when we still left the house, someone would just glance at her sideways in the grocery store. Then we’d flee to the car where she’d do breathing exercises before she could drive us home. I was trying to escape that. I had escaped that. I wouldn’t go back now just because a man with pretty eyes checked me out.
&
nbsp; Still, it was unnerving. When I peeked at him from beneath my lashes, I met his steady gaze. He’d seated himself so he had a direct line of vision to me. Shouldn’t he be more circumspect? But then, I wouldn’t know what was normal. I was clueless when it came to public interaction. So I bowed my head and poked at the soggy pancakes.
Once the waitress gave me the bill, I’d leave. Simple enough. Easy, for someone who wasn’t paranoid or crazy. And I wasn’t—that was my mother, not me. I could do this.
When the waitress came out, she went straight to his table. I drew little circles in the brown syrup just to keep my eyes off them. I couldn’t hear their conversation, but I assumed he was ordering his meal.
Finally, the waitress approached my table, wearing a more reserved expression than she had before. Almost cautious. I didn’t fully understand it, but I felt a flutter of nerves in my full stomach.
She paused as if thinking of the right words. Or maybe wishing she didn’t have to say them. “The man over there has paid for your meal. He’d like to join you.”
I blinked, not really understanding. The gentleness of her voice unnerved me. More than guilt—pity.
“I’m sorry.” I fumbled with the words. “I’ve already eaten. I’m done.”
“You have food left on your plate. Doesn’t matter how much you want to eat anyway.” She paused and then carefully strung each word along the sentence. “He requests the pleasure of your company.”
My heart sped up, the first stirrings of fear.
I supposed I should feel flattered, and I did in a way. He was a handsome man, and he’d noticed me. Of course, I was the only woman around besides the waitress, so it wasn’t a huge accomplishment. But I wasn’t prepared for fielding this kind of request. Was this a common thing, to pay for another woman’s meal?
It was a given that I should say no. Whatever he wanted from me, I couldn’t give him, so it was only a question of letting him down nicely.
“Please tell him thank you for the offer. I appreciate it, I do. But you see, I really am finished with my meal and pretty tired, so I’m afraid it won’t be possible for him to join me. Or to pay for my meal. In fact, I’d like the check, please.”
Make Me: Twelve Tales of Dark Desire Page 54
