by Laura Acton
The words ‘small steps’ popped into Dan’s mind. Unsure if he would be able to accept what Brody offered, Dan pivoted in place, ready to stride back to Scott’s SUV, but his eyes landed on his five cousins. Rely on them. You don’t have to do this alone. You have a family now. They’ve earned your trust—they have never betrayed you.
Thoughts continued to swirl in his mind as Dan gradually released his grip, opening his hand. He scanned their faces, pausing for a moment on each one, studying their Broderick blue eyes, noting only compassion. His gaze rested on Zach last. Somehow it seemed right to ask for his help since Zach had gone four-wheeling with him and Brody. His voice a bit strangled, Dan said, “Brody left me something. It’s in this unit.” He held out the small key to Zach. “Will you open it for me?”
Zach took the key from Dan’s shaking hand, then advanced to the door and unfastened the lock from the hasp. Holding the padlock and key, Zach turned to back to Dan, surprised to find he still faced away from the storage unit.
Adam stepped toward Dan and placed a hand on his back. His words quiet, he said, “I’m here for you. I understand this is hard to face. When Sophia died, I couldn’t deal with going to our apartment. The burning ache of everything I lost consumed me. Every item contained a memory and remembering hurt. Unable to cope with the pain, I ran away.
“Running doesn’t truly help … only puts off the inevitable. Jeff and Scott helped me and eventually … her belongings which initially caused me anguish began to bring me peace and even joy. Not fast or easy—took me a long time, but I learned to accept our time was short, but no less beautiful and I didn’t want to taint what we had with grief. I found a way to embrace her life and celebrate the fact I had her for even the brief amount of time I did.”
Scott said, “Time to turn around. You don’t have to do this alone.”
Drawing in a breath, Dan pivoted and stared at the metal door. I’m many things, but I’m not a coward.
Witnessing the anguish Dan’s eyes, Zach started to comprehend how much misery his cousin had endured. He hoped whatever Brody gave to Dan would bring him joy, but he realized he shouldn’t be the one to reveal Brody’s offering. Taking a deep breath, Zach went to his distraught cousin and laid a hand on his shoulder. “It’s unlocked. Whatever is in there, Brody left to you. He wanted you to have it, so you must open the door.”
Dan nodded. Zach was right. He couldn’t pass this off to someone else. Dan had to do it no matter how agonizing it would be.
As Dan moved to the door, Adam gave his brother a nod and reached out to squeezed Zach’s shoulder as he mouthed, ‘you did the right thing.’
Kyle glanced at Jeff, seeking guidance. He was out of his depth with no experience he could draw on to help Dan.
Jeff leaned in close to whisper, “Like I told you on the way, just being here is enough.” Jeff comprehended his drill sergeant approach isn’t what Runt needed now. Scott and Adam were better equipped to assist Dan today, but the rest would be here to offer unconditional love and support.
“Okay.” Kyle sighed, wishing he had more to give as he refocused on Dan.
Slowly Dan bent down, grabbed the handle, pulled up, then pushed hard, so the door rolled all the way to the top. Dan stared at the pristine, speedway blue, dual cab truck with a ram-air intake and a four-inch lift. He noted the black off-road bumper and roll bar with four lights … everything exactly the same as the last time he saw it except for the new all-terrain tires.
Leaning his upper body on the front of the truck, Dan laid his cheek flat on the hood and stretched out his arms above his head. Overwhelmed and unable to contain his anguish any longer, Dan’s shoulders began to shake with the force of his growing emotional storm.
The mouths of Zach and Kyle dropped open as their eyes beheld Brody’s gift and their cousin’s reaction. Adam and Jeff shared a stunned expression, both speechless at the contents and Dan’s obvious distress. Scott bowed his head. His heart wrenched as old images of finding Danny catatonic invaded his mind. Can Danny handle these emotions?
As Dan sank to his knees, all five cousins moved forward. Scott reached Dan first and guided him to the ground safely. They surrounded Dan as he knelt and buried his face in his hands. Leaning down, each lay a supportive hand on his shoulders or back while their cousin broke down completely. His racking sobs tore at their hearts, more so than when Jeff had forced him to climb up the ten stairs. This time tough love was not the answer—he needed tender care and support.
His gaze moving from Dan to the awesome truck, Zach realized where he had seen a truck like that before. For several minutes, staring at the air intake, something he had thought was cool looking when he was only sixteen, memories flooded in. His voice unsure he said, “I think that is the same kind of four-by-four … no, it can’t be, but it sure looks like …”
“Like what Zach?” Adam asked softly.
Zach squatted, moved Dan’s hands from his face gently, lifted his chin so their gaze met, and waited for Dan’s eyes to focus on him. “Is that truck similar to the one you rented?”
Dan nodded. He answered in a gravelly voice, “Brody gave me the truck.”
Kyle glanced at the blue truck again. He had been envious of Zach and wished he got to go with Dan that day. Incredulous, Kyle exclaimed, “Brody bought you the exact truck! The one you took Zach out four-wheeling in?”
Zach grinned stupidly. “Dan, that’s so awesome!”
Adam, Scott, and Jeff all turned to stare at the four-wheel drive truck. Damn. No wonder Dan broke down.
Clenching his fists, awash with anguish and intense hatred of himself, shaking with rage, Dan yelled, “I fucking killed Brody!”
Scott turned back to Dan and tried to console him. “Dan, it isn’t your fault. He was not supposed to be there. It is not—”
Dan cut him off as his eyes flashed, revealing his self-loathing, remorse, guilt, and tortured soul. “I blew him away! You don’t understand. No one told you …” He drew in a ragged breath and pinned his glare on Scott. “I found Brody. I was the one doing IDs. I saw what I did to my brother. There was nothing left.”
His eyes shifted to Jeff. “You know what a .50 cal does to a body! Bone and flesh are reduced to nothing—nothing was left.”
Scowling, Dan glared at Adam, as he belted out, “This isn’t like Sophia. You didn’t kill her.”
Dan tilted his head up, lifting his eyes to the sky and screamed for as long as he had breath. The primal wounded animal howling scared the hell out of his kin. It sounded as if Dan’s soul was being destroyed.
Out of breath, Dan dropped his chin and stared at the asphalt. Desolation in his tone, his words were barely audible, “This isn’t like Sara either. This is not imagined fault. It is my fault Brody is dead. I pulled the trigger and blew a hole in his chest, obliterating Brody’s heart.” Dan pounded the ground with his fists as raw pain ripped through his soul, shredding him as if it were May twenty-sixth somewhere in Afghanistan all over again.
Jeff and Adam restrained Dan’s hands before he could hurt himself. He fought them, but they held on securely as Dan bellowed, “Why, Brody? Why? Why did it have to be me?”
Scott pulled Dan close, wrapping his strong arms around his cousin as tears clouded his own eyes. “Let it out Dan, release and let go.”
Dan’s arms tried to wrap around Scott. Adam and Jeff released their hold and Dan hung tightly to Scott, burying his face in Scott’s shoulder as he wept. Scott rocked ever so slightly as he offered Dan the only comfort he could.
They were all well aware Dan fired the fatal shot, but none of them knew he was the one to find Brody. That was a whole other level of torment. As trained soldiers each was familiar with what a .50 caliber round could do to a body—it was never pretty. Witnessing what his bullet did to Brody’s body had the potential to drive Dan insane, especially with the bond those two shared.
The cousins stood in a circle around Dan protecting him from the view of anyone who might happen to pass
by. Being Christmas that was highly unlikely, but they did it anyway.
After about fifteen minutes Dan quieted. He pulled back from Scott and Adam handed him a handkerchief. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose then he attempted to stand. He found five pairs of outstretched hands helping him to rise. Once on his feet, Dan lay his throbbing palm on the hood. The freezing cold of the metal seeped through his bandage and dulled the stinging like an ice pack. He left it there as a strange buzz in his ear reminded him of Brody’s soft and encouraging voice.
Brody urgently whispered, “Trust them. Open up and talk to them. Share what you’re thinking about with them. Let them in, Danny.”
When the buzzing stopped, Dan scanned his cousin’s faces. “Brody bought this for me five years ago. He came home for Christmas. Not that he had a home to go to. Me and Brody always chose to live in the barracks on base instead of getting off base housing. Brody stayed with Blaze.”
Dan ran his hand along the vehicle, maintaining a connection as he sluggishly made his way to the driver’s side. “My Christmases always sucked. The first year Gambit died in October, and his replacement Robbie was blown up just before the holidays. When my unit escorted Robbie home, I spent Christmas in the field with Murphy and Travis beating the shit out of me.
“My second, occurred while being held captive. The third, Plouffe assigned me to Marley’s unit—those guys risked their lives to rescue me when I was injured. Guess my fourth wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been, Brody, Mason, Patch, and I did a recon mission together. That was the last Christmas for Ripsaw, Buzz, and Dutch, glad they had leave. They were killed in February.”
He blew out a breath. “Almost didn’t live to see my fifth, but I can’t tell you any of those details.” Sorrow over Yankee’s death washed over him. Death was familiar but never easy. His hand touched his brow. “Suffice to say, I’m grateful Brody sucked at yo-yos, and I took his yo-yo from him after he split my brow open. The yo-yo, well, it sorta saved me. Mason was promoted to command a unit that year, and Baboon joined Blaze’s unit, but the day before Christmas Plouffe sent me on a mission with Shy and his men.”
“As much as my sixth Christmas sucked, sorry can’t reveal details, at least I was with my own unit and with Brody.” Dan stopped and leaned his forehead on the glass as he stared at the steering wheel. “Brody bought this for me the year I was with Marley. He did it before he and Blaze cut their leave short and returned after they were informed I was in the hospital.”
Dan fell silent as memories competed to be recalled. Brody’s face swam in his vision. “The first thing I saw when I woke up was Brody. He was always there for me. Always. He never let me down. He knew me better than I knew myself. He accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. He never made me feel weak or less of a man when I was scared or injured. I trusted him with my life, and he trusted me with his. I betrayed his trust. I killed him.”
Jeff, Adam, Scott, and Zach quietly stood as Dan talked. He seemed to need to say some things. They could see Dan was trying to process this. So they remained quiet. Kyle listened until the last two statements, but couldn’t help blurting out, “You didn’t betray him. Accidents happen. You didn’t intend to shoot him. It was a terrible accident. From all you told us about him, Brody wouldn’t want you to blame yourself. Hell, he might even feel guilty he was down range where he shouldn’t have been.”
Closing his eyes, Dan let Kyle’s words roll off his back without reacting. Kyle had no experience, so had no clue what he was saying—wet behind the ears as Dutch and Buzz would say. Though, a kernel of what he said crawled back up and insisted on settling in the corner of his mind. Would Brody want me to condemn myself?
Adam asked, “Do you know why Brody gave you this truck?”
Dan opened the door and ran his hand along the supple, black leather seat. He sighed and let his rambling thoughts have a voice. “Yeah. Neither of us owned a vehicle at the time we finished Special Forces training. We didn’t need one living on base. We could’ve taken a taxi to the house, but I wanted the ability to leave at a moment’s notice. You know how it was between my father and me back then.”
He glanced at his relatives and noted they all nodded and their eyes held no condemnation for him, nor any pity, both of which allowed him to continue. “When I decided to rent a truck, the agent was a cute blonde. I flashed her a smile and low and behold she upgraded my rental to a four by four without any charge. Brody laughed the entire time and said the Sinner could get a nun to break her vows with one smile.”
Seeing their confusion, Dan explained. “Before we joined Blaze’s unit, Brody called me Sinner, and I called him Saint. A few years earlier, the guys with which we attended Quick Reaction Force training, at LFAATC in Aldershot, actually dubbed us with those names. We had a hell of a wild time going out to the Halifax bars when we had time off.”
Scott smiled. Later he would talk to Dan about the trouble he caused him in Halifax. Being almost identical had rather interesting outcomes when women in bars believed he was Dan. The moniker Sinner—more than appropriate for his younger cousin. Though, for now, Scott would continue to listen.
Sliding into the cab, Dan ran his hands over the steering wheel. Trying to do what Brody asked, he desperately dug for recollections of their good times, though every fiber in him wanted to curl up and die now. He inserted the key but didn’t turn it on.
Having spent most of his emotion, Dan’s tone came out flat. “Brody shared something in his letter which makes this gift really hard to accept. He said he was not going to re-up for a third tour. If he had, I would have too, but he basically said I had risked my life enough for his dream and it was time for me to live mine. Little did Brody know he would die at my hand.
“I killed my brother, and he gives me the truck we drove on one of our most fun days together.” Dan snorted, and his tone dripped with contempt. “Fate fucking loves to screw with me. Sometimes I think there is an evil puppet master out there pulling my strings and laughing his head off at the irony of this situation.”
Brody wiped his eyes as he floated near the passenger seat. It didn’t always work, but Brody whispered to Dan, hoping he would hear him. “No one in the light is laughing, dear brother. Though evil does lurk in the world, and you must continue to fight. Please let the pain go and concentrate on the happy times.”
The strange buzzing was back. Dan’s hand rubbed his ear. Focus on what Brody wants me to do—remember the fun. His eyes sought Zach. “The day we went four-wheeling, Brody says I laughed more than ever. In the letter, he said it was one of his all-time favorite days teaching you how to spin-out and do doughnuts. Remember how you got us stuck in the mud bog?”
Zach smiled, “Yeah, I remember. Though, technically it wasn’t my fault. I only followed your directions. I recall busting out laughing when you and I pushed, and Brody punched the gas. I swear we took a mud bath when the tires spun and spat tons of mud at us. That was one of my best days too. I got to spend it with you, Dan.
“And though I only spent one afternoon with Brody, I could tell he was a special guy. Kyle’s right. How Brody died wouldn’t change how he felt about you. He would want you to be happy. You were given the all clear. No one knows why he was there. It may have been your bullet, but it was not your fault. If it had been, you would be in Club Ed, but you’re not.”
Dan’s head dropped as tears welled again. He couldn’t seem to stop them. His bullet and his fault Brody was dead. Guilt weighed heavy in his heart and threatened to drown him. It hurt so much.
Scott approached Dan and said, “Brody would want you to smile and laugh. Everyone agrees, you are not to blame for his death, though we understand you don’t believe that now. However, it is the truth, and one day, you will accept the fact. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday you will. Until then, you can drive this truck and remember how much Brody cared about you.”
Dan lifted his head and stared at Scott, assessing the veracity of Scott’s words. He could tell Scott believed hi
s words, but Dan’s guilty conscience would never be relieved. Never.
After Scott spoke, a silence hung around all of them like a heavy shroud. The cousins understood the heavy burden of guilt Dan carried on his shoulders, and their hearts ached for him.
Jeff let out a long, slow, shaky breath. The emotion rolling off Dan was powerful, and he read the guilt, pain, and conflict in Dan’s eyes. He wanted help but couldn’t find the words. Jeff reiterated to himself what he told Kyle, just being here for Dan is enough.
Recognizing Dan wasn’t prepared to release his guilt, Adam broke the stillness but changing the subject. He forced a grin and said, “Start this baby up. Let’s hear the engine.”
His Brother’s Voice
65
December 25
Storage Unit 420 – 4:40 p.m.
Dan gazed at five men, drawing strength from family who would never judge him weak. Confident they accepted him as he was, exposed and defenseless with all his shields lowered, he focused on navigating this emotional minefield. Reaching for the ignition, he turned the key, and the engine roared to life.
Brody’s voice rang clear and robust in the interior of the truck through the speakers, stunning Dan. His eyes flicked to the console, noting a CD was playing. “Hey, Danny. Yeah, it’s me. Without a doubt, my letter left you shell-shocked. Glad you came despite dealing with a plethora of conflicting emotions. Just so you are aware, I bought this especially for you and believe my gift will help heal your wounded soul.
“Undoubtedly, you’re still hurting. I’m aware of how the deaths of our buddies tore you up inside. You can’t save everyone. The reason I won’t allow you donate this truck is that you’re carrying unjustified guilt. You can’t deny the fact. I’m here to tell you my death was not your fault, Danny.
