He wove in and out of traffic, his body on autopilot as he fought the deluge of doubts.
* * *
Pulling up in front of Kerry’s condo, Leaper cut the engine and his tunes. His mind immediately silenced. She was so captivating. Standing by her car outside her condo, she was unloading grocery bags. Wearing a short dress with worn cowboy boots and a matching aged leather jacket, she was a vision even doing such a mundane task.
He waited, watching her. The way she moved was elegant, as if her every movement was part of a larger ballet. If he choreographed dance, Kerry would be his muse.
When she spied him, she walked over with a grin on her lips. “What a wonderful surprise! How did you know I’d be outside?” She kissed and then gestured to the bags of groceries she was unloading from her car. “You can guess what today is.”
Leaper held her for several seconds before he reluctantly released her. He admired Kerry’s forthrightness and her abundance of energy, like that little bounce in her step. His small sweet dancer. “I just knew. Intuition.”
“Right.” She cupped his cheek with her hand. “Chore day isn’t fun, but it’s a necessity. Sorry that the demonstration didn’t go as planned.”
“Yeah, me too. Thanks for the help.” He cleared his throat. “Do you need any help?”
“Nah, I’ve got this. What’s up with you today?”
“Playing hooky and wondering if you’d like to join me.” Gesturing with his hand, he motioned toward his Harley Davidson. “Want to climb aboard? We can drive up the coast or play in the ocean. Maybe fish or free dive.”
“Oh, yes! Boy, you know how to show this girl a good time. Water is my element.” She gave him a darling smile. “You know me so well. Give me ten minutes and I’m all yours.”
Her eyes were alight with happiness as she turned away. She slammed the trunk of her vehicle, beeped the automatic lock, lifted the grocery bags from the ground, and dashed into the house. As the door shut behind her, he looked at the blue sky. The sun was shining, and the whole day was theirs for the taking.
Somehow, she’d melted away his frustration and anger. It just…couldn’t exist in the same space as she did.
Checking his watch as she ran outside and took the proffered helmet from him, he noted it took her less than six minutes. She was a spitfire.
As she slung her leg over the seat and snuggled up behind him, he turned the key. The engine roared. He lifted the kickstand and set them on their path.
Okay, Day, we’re coming to claim you.
* * *
The ocean breeze slapped salt spray all over his face as he slowed his boat and cut the engine. Perfect, the Pacific is calm and gorgeous today.
His phone was playing Norman Greenbaum’s song “Spirit in the Sky.” He stretched his arms over his head and sighed with pleasure. “The sun’s shining. We’re in a boat several miles off Dana Point. It’s the middle of the week and off-season, so there are no tourists lingering about. Nothing to disturb us, except each other.” Leaper raised an eyebrow at her and then turned his attention to dropping the anchor. Leaning over the side, he made sure the anchor was secure before laying out the fishing rods and bait cooler.
Kerry pulled her sweatshirt over her head, revealing a pink bikini top. “It’s a gorgeous day.”
“You’re the one who’s gorgeous. Do you go to work like that?” Leaper gave low wolf whistle. “Not that I have a right to comment on fashion choices.”
“Often!” She batted her eyelashes playfully. Sitting in one of two chairs at the back of the boat was blissful. “You know how my patients like to drench me. Sometimes they’re not fond of me taking blood from their dorsal either, so I get a few extra splashes. I also swim with them to see how they’re moving and progressing.” She plucked at the center of her top. “I usually wear one-piece suits, but I have to admit, today is laundry day. Instead of bra and panties, I have this. Remember, I still have chores to do. Though I noticed a washer and dryer at your place.”
“It’s yours. Use it anytime. And don’t forget I offered to bring in the groceries, but you wouldn’t let me.” He bit his lip. “I could happily wash all your delicates by hand, if you like.” Leaper leaned toward her. “I mean that respectfully.”
“Thanks. That’s sweet. I’ll think about the washing. I know several wives who would jump at the chance for their husbands to do a load, and quite frankly, I think I’d be insulted if you didn’t notice I look hot in this suit. I was saving it for our next swim date. Today was just lucky. Well, that and…laundry day.” Her smile lit something inside of him. He liked the way she made him feel at ease. Usually he was awkward around women, but Kerry was different.
Leaper chatted about the tides and the weather and the possibility of their catch. When he was settled in his chair next to her, he asked a question he had been pondering for a while. He wanted to know about Kerry’s expectations, her wants and desires. “Any dreams?”
“Gosh.” Kerry laughed loudly. “There are so many. The highest priority is taking a trip to the Amazon. The river is supposed to contain three subspecies of pink dolphins in their natural habitat. I’ve read several papers, and I can’t help wondering if their diet and lifestyle contribute to their health.”
“How so?”
“The river is murky, acting like a natural sunscreen, yet they still get tons of Vitamin D. There’s a direct link between D and bone health and kidneys. Also, they can digest small furred animals as well. Bones and all, which is a type of protein I hadn’t considered before and would like to understand better. Lastly, I believe they, uh, mate often. Sex can be good for, well, the entire system.” Kerry blushed.
“Lots of sex and good food for a healthy life. Makes sense to me. Why are they pink?” asked Leaper as he threaded a rather substantial hook on the end of his line. He knotted it and secured the bait.
“The males, who are usually significantly larger than the females, often battle each other. It brings a pink hue to the top of their skin, like overinfused capillaries that are permanently damaged by wounds. Oh, and don’t get me started on the properties in their blood.” Kerry leaned toward him. “What also blows my mind is their echolocators, you know, in their snout, which are huge—larger than a bottlenose dolphin’s. With this biosonar, I can only imagine how the world opens to them. Learning more about that function alone could significantly improve our knowledge in mechanical replication, with applications as varied as helping impaired animals or humans to improving sonar on submarines and ships.” She blushed. “Too much? I get really excited about the possibilities.”
“Please. Get excited.” Leaper winked at her.
She wrinkled her nose. “Oh, Leaper.”
“Nah, I’m serious. This is very interesting.” Leaper tipped the end of the rod backward and then cast his line, allowing plenty of line to release with it. “Just to remind you, our goal today is to catch either yellowfin tuna or nothing. We grill or we pick up food on the way home.” He stretched his legs out in front of him. “It’s a good day to be off duty.”
“I agree.” Kerry’s cast was nothing short of amazing. She’d obviously spent a lot of time fishing before, and Leaper was impressed. Not that he was going to tell her. At least, not yet. He preferred to keep her guessing about some of his admiration. “This beats cleaning the rugs at my condo.”
Leaper grinned at her. “I’ll help you pound those rugs.” He wagged his eyebrows.
“You’re on,” she replied with equal delight. Yet they sat in companionable silence for a time, just enjoying each other’s company. It had an easiness that was remarkably calming. “Uh, I hope you don’t mind my bringing up a subject. The other night I heard you talking in your sleep about someone named Hissop. Let me know if I’m prying, but you seemed really upset.”
Leaper opened his mouth and then closed it. After several seconds, he spoke. “Hissop was killed on m
y last mission. It’s hard to talk about. I just… I hate taking green operatives on a complex mission, and I should have asked to pick a group of old-hats, but I let Command dictate.” Scratching his nails along his stomach with his free hand, Leaper made several long stripes on his skin and then stopped himself, realizing it mimicked the angle that Hissop had been sliced on. Leaper hunched over.
“I know shit happens—they always use that fucking line to make someone feel better—but it doesn’t do justice to losing someone,” he continued. “It’s fucking horrendous. A piece of myself died with him, and I’d gladly give my life ten times over to get him back.” A few tears spilled out of his eyes. “I know crying is the body letting pain out, but I can’t remember the last time I wept. I just… I hardly let go.” He took a long, ragged breath. “I don’t want any more of my guys to die. And the memories keep coming back faster and faster. When does it stop?”
Talking made the tears speed down his cheeks. He wiped his hand under his dripping nose. “Fuck.”
God bless her, Kerry didn’t say a word. She didn’t reach for him or try to comfort; rather, she just let him be. So he kept talking, letting the words spill out with his emotion.
“The doctors asked me questions. When I didn’t answer, they called it the ‘fog of war,’ which basically assumes you can’t remember what happened. But I’ll never forget, and on some level, most warriors remember every heartbeat of tragedy, like a metronome ticking away in their heads. Click. Click. Click.” Leaper squeezed his hand into a fist.
“Telling Hissop’s widow about her husband’s bravery, assuring her that he didn’t suffer, that it was quick—it’s the worst pain. I can’t even describe it.” Leaper swallowed the lump in his throat, choking momentarily before it went down. “I signed up knowing the possibility of bullets and shrapnel slicing me up. I knew it could happen and most likely would, but this…”
He unclenched his hand, wiped the tears from his face, and offered his open palm to her. She put her fishing pole in the holder and took his hand, squeezing it.
“This is the main reason I keep moving, so I don’t have to think, to face any of this pain and loss.” Leaper looked out at the ocean. “I know it’s always there, lingering on the horizon like a tsunami waiting to strike. But the last few weeks, it’s like… I’m understanding that conflict comes whether you want it or not. Out here with my boys, training and teaching them, I get that they are learning, fucking up, correcting, getting back on board with new attitudes and knowledge, and then they go through the whole cycle again. So if conflict is in everything, why not allow myself to have silence too? What happens if I let peace inside? What if I stop moving? Will my world explode, or will I heal?”
Kerry kissed the back of his head. “In pain, we heal. In healing, we experience pain.”
“Duality.” Leaper pondered her words. His mind could see so much so clearly right now. “I get caught up. It’s easy to get lost in the job. The missions, they take every ounce of your concentration and commitment. You have to be in—100 percent—for your Teammates’ safety and for yours. Sometimes it’s like living in constant chaos, beautiful and frightening, and yet when you return to civilian life… Christ, the slow, plodding pace feels odd and unnatural. My mind screams—where’s the uncertainty, the adrenaline, the extremes? And my body is…confused. It wants options.”
Leaper scratched the back of his neck and then rubbed the spot hard with the pads of his fingers. “My buddy Declan once asked me who he is outside of the Teams, and I didn’t have an answer. That was when his leg got blown off and he had to face the big questions. Well, I didn’t have anything other than a smarty-pants reply. ‘Yourself. You are yourself every damn day of your life.’ I was an ass!” He turned his head and looked at Kerry. “But I think I get it now, why he asked that particular question. He wanted to understand the civilian version of himself. When you’re operational, you don’t need that answer. But as you slow down or phase out, being prepared for stopping is a fucking necessity. It’s like the concept of peace is so foreign it’s almost scary. Even during the so-called quiet times in the world, there’s conflict. Someone is dishing it out, and someone is responding. It’s hard to fight human nature and territorialism. There’s always more happening out there in the world worth understanding…and knowing that someone has to deal with it. Always.”
“I never thought of it that way. When all you see on a daily basis is the usual stuff that happens here in San Diego, I guess you don’t think bigger picture. You’ve been ass deep in conflict, and there’s just always more out there. I get it.” Kerry nodded her head. “Sorry that’s all you’ve seen. So do you think that you are staying or leaving the Navy?”
He pursed his lips, considering it. “I don’t know. That’s the million-dollar question, or in my case at a base value, $125,000, give or take bonuses, and shit, I’m a saver. My body isn’t as flexible as it used to be. I don’t bounce back like I did during my first decade in the Teams. And politics have an effect on things. Different leaders want different types of Ops, and they impose crazy regulations that are impossible to uphold while keeping everyone alive and fulfilling a mission. If everything stayed the same, the same standard I came into the Navy with, then yeah, I’d stay in for thirty years, or until they booted my ass.”
He sighed. “But that’s not reality. I feel like…I need to know who I am outside of the military. I’m circling the concept of peace in my life and wondering if I’ll ever be able to…let go. It’s like life is banging on my door, and that knock is getting louder and louder every day. If I open it up, who or what will I find on the other side? I just don’t know.”
Kerry nodded her head. “As a civilian consultant, I’m rounding twenty years in a few months. I’ll get half pay at my retirement.” She touched his arm. “The dolphins aren’t a job to me. They’re…family. I know some of these creatures on a deeper level than I do my own family. I can’t imagine ever leaving them. There’s so much need right here. Besides, where does a nephrologist specializing in marine mammals go?”
“Research? There have to be grants.”
“There are. I guess I could be interested in trips, but I’d want to come back here…to these special creatures. Do you think I’m nuts? Is this a weird way to live life?” Kerry wound her hair into a bun and tucked the strands together to keep them in place.
“No. It’s who you are. I like your dedication. It’s rare these days.” Leaper closed his eyes. “I feel the same way. The Teams are my family. But, what else is too.” The boat rocked back and forth, calling on him to rest. Quiet stole into his consciousness, pulling him under, giving him something he hadn’t felt since he was a small boy: tranquility and restfulness.
Sometime later, the sound of Kerry’s voice reached into his solitude and pulled him back, slowly bringing him into present.
“Leaper. Wake up. Do you see that?” She sounded concerned.
The worst options raced through his mind, and he was on his feet before Kerry finished her question. His eyes scanned the horizon for threats. “Uh, I see…a collection of nets bobbing on the surface of the ocean. Shit! I know what that is.” Rushing to the toolbox, he opened the lock and pulled out a Ka-Bar and a bandana. He attached the knife to his leg and tucked the bandana into one of the straps. Leaper grabbed two masks and two sets of flippers before he secured the lid of the box. “How are you at whale whispering?”
“Oh God!” Kerry’s face paled. “Is that…a whale caught in nets?”
“Yes. You can stay here if you want, but I won’t let that creature die.” Leaper held a mask and a set of flippers out to her. “You don’t even need to get that close. Just stay off to the side and speak in soothing tones. I’ll take care of the rest.”
She grabbed the equipment and sat on the edge of the boat. After donning the swim fins and mask, she held on to the mask and slid over the side and into the ocean.
“That�
�s my lady,” said Leaper as he followed her actions and joined her in the water.
Cold water smacked at his body. The Pacific water had that cold edge—something that most trainees hated but Leaper usually preferred. It kept his senses awake, aware, and alive.
“Didn’t I just read about this problem in an NPR article?” asked Kerry as they swam with steady strokes toward the creature. “Wildlife getting caught in abandoned nets; it’s so awful.”
“Yeah, I read it too. Sickening. Human waste and neglect is horrific.” Leaper looked at her. “Sorry. I get a bit passionate about the topic. I’ve seen a lot of this. We rescued a small pod off the coast of Greenland, but one of them beached the next day. Too tired to continue.”
“That’s awful!” Kerry readily agreed. “Get as riled as you want on this topic. Just so you know, I have your back.”
“In the Teams we call it having someone’s six—and I’ve got yours too.” Leaper playfully reached out and tickled the small of her back.
She smiled at him.
He turned back to watching the whale’s movements, which were frighteningly slow. “He’s tired. This could be dicey. Keep in mind that you can turn back anytime. A wounded mammal is very—”
“Dangerous. Yeah, I’m familiar.” She swished her mouth with seawater. “Remind me to tell you about my thesis project someday.”
“You got it,” said Leaper as he pointed toward the side. “I’m going to eyeball it and figure out the best approach. I’m a free diver, so I can slow my heart rate and oxygenate my body beyond normal capacity. As soon as you start talking to it, I’m going to prepare my body and go under.”
“If there’s a problem…” Kerry’s voice was high and nervous. He could see the worry written on her face.
“There won’t be.”
* * *
She hugged her arms around her middle, knowing that she was about to do something very, very stupid. Well, hell, passion makes us do insane things that we struggle to survive.
The Power of a SEAL Page 14
