by Kevin Brooks
Dad shook his head. ‘Come on, Pete… you know I can’t do that.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s a rabbit…’
‘Yeah, I know, but someone cut its head off and hung it on the gate.’
Dad started to get up. ‘I’ll sort it out, OK? I’ll go over there now. Just let me tell your mum where I’m going first…’
As he shuffled wearily across the kitchen towards the door, I stared at the table, trying to work out how I felt. Of course, I was glad that Dad was doing something about Raymond, and I kind of understood why he couldn’t do anything more… I mean, I knew it made sense to check things out first, and I knew the dead rabbit was only a dead rabbit… and maybe I was just worrying too much, jumping to stupid conclusions… maybe I was making a big fuss about nothing.
But what if I wasn’t?
What if…?
Dad was in the doorway now, and as I looked over at him and started to say something, his mobile rang. He took it out of his pocket, flipped it open, and put it to his ear.
‘Boland,’ he said.
I watched him as he listened, and I could tell by the look on his face that it was police stuff, something important.
‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘yeah, I know who she is… when was this?’
He glanced at me then, and there was something in his eyes that I didn’t understand – some kind of secrecy, or maybe suspicion.
‘Can you give me half an hour, sir?’ he said into the phone. ‘I was just about to do something… no, no, I understand… yes, of course… OK, I’ll be there in ten minutes.’
He closed the phone and sighed heavily.
‘What is it?’ I asked him.
He looked at me. ‘I have to go… they want me back at the station.’
‘But what about Raymond?’ I said. ‘You can’t just leave it –’
‘I’m sorry, Pete,’ he said. ‘That was the DCI. I’ve got to go back in.’
‘Why?’
He looked slightly awkward for a moment, almost embarrassed. ‘Look, I’ll call in on the Daggetts before I leave, and I’ll try to get someone to check out the rabbit –’
‘Why do you have to go, Dad?’
He sighed again. ‘A girl’s gone missing… her parents called in about an hour ago.’ He looked at me. ‘It’s Stella Ross.’
I was too confused to say anything for a while. I just sat there, staring at nothing, trying to get things clear in my head. Stella Ross was missing… Raymond was missing…
Stella…
Raymond…
The beauty and the beast.
Disembodied voices echoed through my head:
The star’s going out tonight…
Stella’s going out…
You’re going to wish you hadn’t done this…
‘Pete?’ said Dad. ‘Are you all right?’
I looked at him. ‘Stella’s missing?’
He nodded. ‘She was at the fair, apparently… but she didn’t come home, and her phone’s switched off. No one knows where she is –’
‘No one knows where Raymond is either.’
‘I know, Pete, but this is different…’
‘Why? What’s different about it?’
Dad just looked at me, not sure what to say.
I shook my head. ‘It’s because she’s famous, isn’t it? She’s a celebrity… her parents are celebrities –’
‘They’ve reported her missing, Pete. We have to look into it.’
‘Yeah, right,’ I said coldly. ‘It’s nothing to do with who she is, is it?’
‘It’s not a question of who –’
‘No? So how come your DCI just called you? He’s never called you about a missing person before, has he? I mean, he wouldn’t bother calling you if Raymond was reported missing, would he?’
‘Raymond’s not news,’ Dad said quietly.
‘So what?’ I spat. ‘That shouldn’t make any difference.’
‘I know it shouldn’t… but it does.’
Dad looked at me then, trying to make me understand. And I did understand. I knew exactly what he meant, and I knew it wasn’t his fault, and I knew there was nothing he could do about it.
But that still didn’t make it right.
‘Look,’ Dad said, ‘I have to go now, OK?’
I looked at him. ‘Are you still going to talk to Raymond’s parents?’
He nodded. ‘I’ll give you a ring as soon as I’ve spoken to them, and I’ll see what I can do about the rabbit. And don’t worry too much, OK? I’m sure everything’s going to be fine.’
‘Yeah…’
‘Tell Mum I’ll call her later on.’
‘OK.’
He smiled at me, picked up his car keys, and turned to leave. I watched him go, still not knowing how I felt about anything. There was too much to feel, too much I didn’t understand – Raymond, Stella, Raymond and Stella, Raymond and me, Stella and me…
‘Did you see her?’ Dad said.
He’d stopped in the doorway and was looking back at me.
‘See who?’ I asked him.
‘Stella Ross. Did you see her at the fair?’
‘Uh, yeah…’ I said hesitantly. ‘Yeah, I saw her. I talked to her, actually.’
His eyes narrowed. ‘You talked to her?’
‘Yeah…’
Dad stared at me then, a long and thoughtful look, and for a moment or two he wasn’t my dad any more – he was just a policeman. And I’d never felt more guilty in my life.
‘I want you to stay at home today,’ he said sternly. ‘Do you understand?’
‘Why?’
‘Just do it, all right?’
‘Yeah, OK.’
He nodded. ‘I’ll speak to you later.’
After Dad had gone, I just hung around in the kitchen for a while, waiting for the phone to ring. Outside, the rain had stopped falling, and the heavy black clouds were beginning to clear from the sky. It looked like it was going to be another hot day.
I felt like shit.
My head was all thick and fuzzy, my mouth was bone dry, and I kept burping up a horrible taste of sour gas. Everything inside me felt numb and distant.
I went to the toilet.
Washed my face.
Tried to scrub some of the fur off my teeth.
Then I went back into the kitchen again.
Sat down at the table.
Got up, went over to the fridge.
Drank half a carton of orange juice.
Almost threw up.
Sat down at the table again.
Waited for the phone to ring.
∗
It was half past eight when Dad finally called. Mum was still upstairs in bed, and I snatched up the phone as soon as it rang so it wouldn’t wake her up.
‘Hello?’
‘Pete… it’s Dad. Listen, I’m running late, so I can’t talk for long. I just wanted to let you know that I saw Mr Daggett, and I made him check Raymond’s room –’
‘Was he there?’
‘No, but they don’t seem to think it’s anything to worry about. They said that Raymond often goes off on his own –’
‘No, he doesn’t.’
‘Well, that’s what they told me. They said it’s not unusual for him to stay out all night.’
‘No, he just stays out in the garden sometimes, that’s all. He doesn’t go anywhere.’
‘I’m sorry, Pete, but there’s not much more I can do just now. Give it another hour or two, OK? If he’s not back by then, I’ll send someone round.’
‘What about the rabbit? Did you see it?’
‘Yeah…’
‘What do you think?’
‘I don’t know… I mean, I know it’s pretty bad, but there’s a lot of sick people around, Pete. This kind of stuff happens – dead dogs, tortured cats, mutilated horses, all sorts. I’d be surprised if it’s got anything to do with Raymond, but I’ll see if I can get someone on to it. It might not be for a while, though.’
‘Yeah, but what about –?’
‘Sorry, Pete, I’ve really got to go now. Don’t forget what I told you about staying at home, all right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘We’ll talk later.’
The line went dead.
I hung up the phone, sat down at the table, and looked out of the window. It was a big world out there. A world where everything was possible, and anything could happen.
I wondered if it already had.
Twelve
I was still sitting at the kitchen table when I heard the familiar sound of Mum coming down the stairs in her slippers. I glanced up at the clock and was surprised to see that it was nearly ten o’clock. I’d been sitting there for over an hour – thinking about things, trying to fit things together, trying to make sense of it all. But it hadn’t done me any good. I was just as confused as ever. In fact, if anything, I was even more confused now than I had been before. All I could see in my head were pieces of things, fragments of the night, memories of stuff that had happened – and that’s all it was to me: stuff that had happened.
‘Morning, Pete,’ Mum said brightly as she came into the kitchen. ‘Did you have a good time at the fair?’
I looked up and smiled wearily at her.
‘God,’ she said, ‘you look terrible. What’s the matter? Are you sick or something?’ She glanced quickly around the kitchen. ‘And where’s Dad? Isn’t he back yet? I thought I heard him talking to you earlier on.’
I didn’t really want to start explaining everything again, but I knew I’d never get away with not telling her anything, so I settled on something in between. I told her about Stella, that Dad had been called back to work because Stella’s parents had reported her missing, and I told her that I’d asked Dad to check up on Raymond because we’d got split up at the fair and I hadn’t been able to find him. But I didn’t let on how worried I was, and I didn’t tell her about the rabbit either.
She still had a lot of questions, of course – why was Stella Ross at the fair? did you see her? is Raymond all right now? – but I managed to fob her off with a few mumbled replies, and then I told her that I was really tired, and I wasn’t feeling very well, and perhaps it’d be best if I went to bed for a while.
I’m pretty sure she knew what I was doing – I could tell by the way she looked me in the eye and slowly nodded her head – but she didn’t say anything. She just gave me another knowing look, nodded again, and started to make some tea.
‘Do you want me to bring you a cup?’ she asked.
‘No, I’m all right, thanks. I just want to get some sleep.’
‘Right… well, off you go then.’
I looked at her for a moment, feeling kind of guilty again, then I went up to my bedroom, got out my mobile, and punched in Eric and Nic’s home number.
‘Yeah?’
‘Eric?’
‘Yeah, who’s that?’
‘It’s Pete.’
‘Oh, right… hi, Pete. How’s it going?’
His voice sounded strange, a bit breathless and nervy, as if he’d just been caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing.
‘Are you all right?’ I asked him.
‘Yeah… yeah, I’m fine…’
He didn’t sound fine.
I said, ‘Raymond’s not there, is he?’
‘Raymond? No… why should he be here?’
‘No reason… I’m just trying to find him, that’s all. He didn’t go home last night. You haven’t seen him, have you?’
‘No, not since the fair. He was with me and Pauly when we got there, and then he just kind of wandered off… I didn’t see him again all night.’
‘You didn’t see him with Stella?’
‘Stella?’
‘Yeah…’
‘Stella Ross?’
‘Yeah, Raymond was –’
‘I didn’t see Stella,’ Eric said defensively. ‘What makes you think I saw her? And what’s she got to do with anything, anyway?’
‘Nothing, I was just saying –’
‘Did you see her?’
‘Only briefly –’
‘When?’
‘I don’t know… about ten thirty or something, maybe eleven.’ I paused for a moment then, suddenly realizing that I probably shouldn’t be talking about Stella. I mean, if she was missing, if something had happened to her…
‘Pete?’ Eric said. ‘Are you still –?’
‘Is Nicole there?’ I asked him.
‘Nicole?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Uh, no… no, she’s not here.’
‘Do you know where she is?’
‘Me? No… I haven’t seen her since I left the den last night. Isn’t she with you?’
‘No.’
‘Oh, right… I thought maybe you two had got together or something.’
‘No,’ I told him, ‘we didn’t get together. I just wanted to ask her if she’d seen Raymond, that’s all.’
‘Right… well, like I said, she’s not back yet. I think she must have stayed out somewhere else last night. I mean, I got back about three o’clock or something, and she wasn’t here then –’
‘Sorry?’
‘What?’
‘You got back to your house about three?’
‘Yeah, something like that. I was pretty out of it, to tell you the truth.’ He laughed, trying to sound like one of the lads, but it wasn’t very convincing. In fact, nothing about him was very convincing. I didn’t know why he was lying to me, but I knew that he was. He had to be. I was there at three o’clock in the morning. I was sitting on the front step of his house, for God’s sake.
‘Anyway, Pete,’ he said quickly. ‘I’d better go. When Nic comes back I’ll get her to call you, OK?’
‘Yeah… OK…’
I was still trying to understand why he was lying, and why he sounded so strange – one minute nervous, the next minute harsh and defensive. It was almost as if he was two different people.
‘I’ll see you later, Pete –’
‘Hold on, Eric,’ I said, ‘before you go… have you got Pauly’s number?’
‘What?’
‘Pauly’s phone number.’
‘Why d’you want his number?’
He’d gone back to being the harsh Eric again.
I said, ‘I just want to ring him and ask him about Raymond.’
‘Pauly won’t know anything.’
‘How do you know?’
‘Well… he would have said, wouldn’t he? I mean, if he’d seen Raymond…’ Eric’s voice trailed off, and I got the feeling that he was struggling to find the right words. ‘I haven’t got it anyway,’ he said bluntly. ‘I mean, why would I have Pauly’s number?’
‘What about Nic?’ I said. ‘She must have called Pauly to tell him about Saturday night –’
‘Look, I’ve got to go, OK?’
‘Yeah, but –’
‘I’ve got to go.’
‘All right… but if you see Raymond –’
‘I’ll let you know.’
He hung up.
I stared at the phone in my hand for a moment, trying to picture Eric’s face – trying to work out why he’d lied to me, why he’d sounded so strange – but I couldn’t see anything. No face, no clues, no answers. Mind you, I’ve always found it quite hard to picture Eric, so it probably didn’t mean all that much. I mean, I’m not saying that Eric’s forgettable or anything, because he’s not. In fact, to most people, Eric’s completely unforgettable. Proud, principled, confident, mature… you know, one of those people who believe in themselves. He’s always been like that, even when he was a kid. He always seemed slightly older than the rest of us, slightly bigger… a bit more grown up. The kind of kid who doesn’t think farting is the funniest thing in the world. The kind of kid who isn’t confused all the time. The kind of kid who can grow a moustache at fourteen years old.
That’s what Eric was like.
And I’ve always found it quite hard to
picture people like that.
I’ve always found it quite hard to like them too, and as I closed the phone and went over to the bedroom window, I found myself wondering if there’d ever been anything about Eric that I had actually liked. I was pretty sure there had to be something… I mean, there has to be something to a friendship, doesn’t there? But the only thing I could think of just then – the only thing about Eric that had ever appealed to me – was Nicole.
I stood at the window for a while then, trying not to think about anything, just gazing out at the street, the houses, the parked cars, the sky. It was all so familiar that it didn’t look like anything. Raymond’s house looked the same as it always did too – dark and dull in the morning sunlight, the curtains closed, the front yard littered with rubbish…
I knew I had to go back there.
I didn’t want to.
All I wanted to do was lie down on my bed and go to sleep. Just lie down and close my eyes, forget about thinking, forget about Raymond and Stella and Eric and Nicole… just go to sleep and forget about everything.
Something made me look over at my black porcelain rabbit then, and just for a moment I thought I could hear a fairground organ playing, and somewhere in the distance, the sound of children’s laughter…
Every second of every day, we choose which way to go…
A whispered voice.
Bring me home.
I blinked my eyes, and suddenly everything was quiet again. No voices, no music, no children’s laughter. There was just me, standing at my bedroom window, knowing what I had to do.
∗
As I started to change into some clean clothes, I remembered what Dad had said to me – I want you to stay at home today. Do you understand? – and I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t actually told him that I would stay at home. I knew that I had, of course, but if you really want to make yourself believe something, it’s not all that hard.
You just have to believe it.
By the time I’d got changed and gone downstairs, I was pretty sure that Dad hadn’t even said anything about staying at home in the first place.
‘Mum!’ I called out from the hallway. ‘I’m just going out for a while, OK?’
