I was drifting off to sleep, unaware, until a vision of myself in my car getting pushed off the road from James appeared. It was all in slow motion, but I forgot where I was and thought I was actually back in my car driving home from work, about to have that very hard conversation that needed to be had with Paul. The impact of James’ car hitting into mine with such force and seeing James behind the steering wheel with a can of beer in his hand made me scream out loud.
Before I woke up completely, a vision of myself flashed past my eyes as if I was looking straight at myself. My face had complete fear planted all over it. I fell backward, landing on my back in the middle of the spiral.
I awoke to find my head leaning up against Scott’s knee, and Scott with a bottle of water in hand ready to pour the contents down my throat. Before he could do such a thing I blurted out, “Scott how could you, you deactivated the Damanhur Spiral by crossing the lines, now we all have to exit and let it reactivate for five minutes.”
Scott looked confused and said, “Aye this coming from a so-called nonbeliever, what on earth did that crystal do you?” “
I’m not too sure myself Scott; I don’t want to talk about it just yet. Just get me out of the spiral.”
Scott did as he was told and lifted me up in one scoop into a cradle-like position and exited the spiral by crossing the lines again. Such a rebel, I thought, I hope Fletcher didn’t see us.
Once we had removed ourselves from the spiral and the next people in line now had to wait for five minutes until it reactivated itself, Scott proceeded to lie me down on the grass under a tree.
“Aye lass, you can't be doing that to me, you gave me quite the fright.” Scott said.
“I’m sorry Scott, I just saw a vision of myself when I was in the car getting pushed off the road by James. He was drinking behind the wheel.” I explained.
“Aye that is strange, do you think the crystal was trying to tell you something lass?” Scott asked.
“Your guess is as good as mine,” I replied.
“Well, have you got enough strength to walk on over to the “Caer Ibormeith workshop? It's due to start any minute. If not, I’m more than happy to swing you over my back to get you there lass,” Scott offered.
I laughed. “I can manage if we just take it slowly,” I ensured him.
“Aye well if it gets too much just let me know lass,” Scott said.
Chapter Eighteen
The Celtic Goddess of Dreams
We arrived at the workshop, which was taking place on the beach just a few minutes or so away from the campsite. People were starting to gather around and claim their spots with their picnic rugs. Scott laid ours out in a spare space of the already forming circle. The circle that has no beginning or end, a symbol of infinity.
Circles always did fascinate me, even as a young child. I always had the idea that we were not built to sit in a line or in a square but rather in a circle alongside our peers and as a community. A circle to me has always been a safe, solid, yet permeable space that creates an inside and an outside; this builds a strong focus on moving from person to person. A friendly, welcoming form where everyone has the ability to see each other and people’s voices were heard. It creates a field that invites sharing a story.
Be that so, I had no intention of sharing my story today alongside fifty or so strangers. This circle was large, people were quietly chatting to one another waiting for the guest speaker to arrive and start the workshop on Caer Ibormeith, The Celtic Goddess of Dreams.
“How you feel now lass?” Scott asked, still concerned for my wellbeing. I was just glad we were in chilly Scotland and not in Australia in the scorching heat. I was managing ok thanks to the refreshing temperature. Still a bit shaky from my crystal vision, but I decided to put that at the back of my mind for the time being.
Scott put a welcoming arm around me and said, “Aye, you are one tough cookie if I ever saw one.”
“Thanks,” I replied, not really sure what that implied, but I had no time to question it as the speaker had arrived. It was Fletcher.
He had said at the welcome ceremony that he was taking one of the workshops. He hadn’t told us which one, but by the looks of it he was going to shed some light on this so-called Caer Ibormeith Goddess that had got Scott all excited and enthusiastic.
“Halò and Fàilte / Ceudmìlefàilte, hello and welcome,” Fletcher said to his audience. He really was in his element up there, a true Scot who loved to be in front of an audience ready to tell a story or two - or in this case a myth, because that was just what it was, a myth.
Fletcher continued “So we are here today to discuss the one and only Goddess Caer Ibormeith, the Celtic Goddess of Dreams. Let’s begin.”
There was no mucking around with Fletcher. He was in storytelling mode, I could tell. “Caer Ibormeith was worshipped in Scotland. She was a shape-shifting goddess who spent one year as a beautiful woman and then the next year as a swan. Caer, accompanied by 150 swans, underwent this transformation every year on Samhain, a liminal time when the veil between the seen and the unseen worlds is at their thinnest.
“Swans appear frequently in Celtic mythology. Often connected with a goddess, they are associated with love, purity, the soul and music.”
Fletcher stopped at that point and took a sip of water from his water bottle. Enough time for myself to think, where is he going with this, how on earth does this relate to my situation? I looked over at Scott who, not surprisingly, was all ears and focused.
Fletcher continued, “Swans linked with a goddess can always be recognised as they appear with a gold or silver chain around their necks.”
I touched my bare neck; I had removed the chain that I had woken up from my coma wearing shortly after leaving the hospital, still unsure on who or how it was put there. Scott looked over at me with a shocked expression upon his face. Ok, so that is just a random coincidence, I decided. I still wasn’t sure about this idea.
Fletcher continued, “Swans, associated with the festival of Samhain, act as guides to the other world. Caer Ibormeith was a powerful goddess who made her own way in the world. She chose her man by appearing to him in his dreams.”
Ok, now he had my attention. I decided to give Fletcher the benefit of the doubt. Still though, I was not 100% sure.
Fletcher continued, “The man she chose was Aengus Og. As Aengus, God of Love, Youth and Poetic Inspiration, lay asleep one night he was visited by a beautiful young woman. She seemed so real and he reached for her, but she disappeared when he woke. He was smitten and knew not what to do, he told no one of his experience.”
Ok, so now Fletcher had my undivided attention. I was all ears, and by the looks of it Scott was still taking every word of this myth in, so much so that I saw a few tears well up in his eyes. But no sooner had they appeared than Scott quickly wiped them away. This was beginning to become rather an emotional experience. If this wasn’t letting my guard down and having an open mind, I didn’t know what was. We continued to listen to Fletcher.
“Every night for a year, while Aengus dreamt, she visited him and played sweet music on her Timpan. Aengus, having lost his appetite on the first night of this experience, fell ill. He wanted nothing more than to sleep his life away with his love by his side in the dream world.
“Finally, a physician was called. He quickly understood the source of Aengus’ illness. He solicited help from Boann, Aengus’s mother, to find the young woman of his dreams. She searched for a year but with no luck. Then his father, the Dagda, was called on for help.
“Aengus had been distressed for two years when the Dagdha asked the help of Bodb, King of the Sídhe of Munster, to find her. He took yet another year to search and ultimately find Caer.
“Now the help of Medb and Aillil was essential, as Caer’ssid he was in their territory, Connaught. They found her father, EthalAnbuail, and commanded her hand in marriage for Aengus. But her father replied that he could not obey, as Caer’s power was much greater than his. ‘I cannot fo
rce her into anything,’ he said. ‘She rules her own life.’
“That is when he explained the shape-shifting between woman and swan that took place every Samhain. EthalAnbuail then spelled out Aengus’ only hope. He was to go to the lake, Loch Bél Dracon, on the following Samhain, recognise Caer among her swan companions and call to her. Only then might she come to him of her own free will.
“Aengus went. He found her there with 150 other swans all with silver chains around their necks. Aengus gave up hope, not sure if he could find her amongst all the swans. But then he saw one swan with a silver and a gold chain who shined even more radiantly than the others, swimming towards him. He called to her. She must have wondered why he took so long to answer the call of his dreams. She replied that she would come to him if he promised that she could return to the water. He agreed, turning into a swan himself, for how else could he be with her in the water?
“Caer and Aengus embraced and returned to the lake, swimming around it three times. Then they flew away to Newgrange, Aengus’ home, singing a song of superior beauty. There they became human again and lived together with great love and joy. The song of their love cast an enchanted sleep of three days and three nights onto all those nearby. Even today there are those who claim to hear this love song every year on Samhain Eve.
“So, there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, the myth about Caer Ibormeith, the Celtic Goddess of Dreams. Feel free to call on Caer when you need guidance from the dream world. With her help, you will be open to receiving prophetic dreams. Let Caer’s otherworldly music work its magic on you to create more loving relationships in your life.”
Fletcher took a few questions after his presentation from people gathered around, but we had decided to keep all our million and one questions for our private meeting we had booked with him.
Fletcher finished the workshop with an old Scottish blessing.
“In the still of the night while the world around you sleeps, may the fairies smile upon you and the Goddess bring you peace.”
People started to slowly gather up their belongings and head off to other workshops, or to the entertainment they had on offer which consisted of a Celtic singer, and a bagpipe band. Scott and I on the other hand couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, and couldn’t even look at one another for the few minutes that followed. Scott was the first to break the silence.
“Letticia, the first night you had brought me into your dream I awoke and for the next day or two I was unable to eat and I was feeling rather ill.”
“Well, try explaining this then, how on earth did I awake from my coma with a gold chain around my neck?” I replied.
“You know what Letticia, let's save these questions for the man in the know-how: Fletcher. We are booked to see him in just over an hour. How are you feeling anyway? I think we need to get some food into you and a nice warm cup of tea before our private meeting,” Scott suggested, out of concern for my health.
“Yes, I think that’s a good idea,” I replied. Scott got up first and put out his hand to help pull me up to my feet. As I was making my way up from the ground our eyes locked for a minute and, if I wasn’t mistaken, Scott gave me one of his best winks in real life to date. A wink that had meaning behind it.
“Well, lass looks like you are my real-life swan,” Scott laughed.
“I wouldn’t go that far, Scott,” I replied. I was still getting over the wink and trying to keep my knees from giving out on me.
Chapter Nineteen
Fletcher
It was a few minutes before our scheduled private meeting. We arrived on the beach and waited outside the tepee with a sign on a post that read Caer Ibormeith, Goddess of Dreams.
There were four more tepee tents pitched along the beach designated for other Celtic goddesses and their private meetings with people.
It was dark now; the campsite was lit by the glow of the main bonfire and few other little ones that were scattered around the place. There were also a large number of telescopic solar lanterns posted throughout the site and beside each tepee. We also had a torch on hand if need be, as did most of the people there.
I looked up at the dark sky. Scott followed my glance. “You know Scotland has some of the biggest expanses of the dark sky in Europe, making it a perfect destination for the stargazer?” Scott said.
“You know Scott, I have a funny feeling you told me this in the back of a catering van in amongst a pile of dirty table cloths,” I replied.
We both laughed as we thought back to one of our dreams where we had just finished a catering shift on the Outlander set. Our feet were aching and we both collapsed into the back of Scott’s van and looked up at the sky, and Scott told me the exact same thing before we made love. “Shame it was just a dream,” I said.
The curtain which acted as the door of the tepee was now pulled back and there to welcome us in was Fletcher. He put his hand out to shake ours and said, “Halò and Fàilte / Ceudmìlefàilte, hello and welcome, my name is Fletcher, come on in.”
Scott replied, “Aye thank you, my name is Scott and this is Letticia.”
“Aye very nice to meet you both. I did actually spot your faces out in the crowd at the workshop earlier, for some reason you two had a profound effect on me.”
I laughed and said, “Scott does have that effect in a crowd for some reason.”
Scott gave me a naive smile as if he didn’t know what I was talking about. Fletcher continued, “Aye but it wasn’t just Scott in the crowd, it was you too Letticia. You both stood out to me, I felt great energy from you both.”
I laughed again. “That was probably because we had just come from visiting the crystal from the Damanhur Spiral. I was fully charged up with energy,” I joked.
Scott and Fletcher looked at me, unimpressed with my light-hearted jokes. I decided I needed to take this seriously. After all, what Fletcher had said at the workshop before did hold some substance to my and Scott’s situation.
“So, tell me you two, are you married?”
I couldn’t help myself but blurted out, “Ha, I wish, in my dreams.” I didn’t know how or why I said that, it just came out. I will blame it on that energy the crystal pumped into me.
Scott looked over at me with a confused look and said. “‘Ha, I wish, in my dreams.’ Did you really just say that Letticia? As I recall, in your dreams you were the one that kept denying my so-called marriage proposals that were never marriage proposals to start with. I was the one that did actually want to get down on one knee and ask for your hand in marriage, but I never did. Even in our dreams I knew the time wasn’t right, which resulted in you running away and fleeing back to Australia - and that is just one example.” Scott yelled.
“Oh Scott, you are so melodramatic,” I replied.
“Melodramatic, really that’s rich coming from a person who took off to Scotland in her dreams to find herself her very own Jamie Fraser but all she found was me,” Scott said in anger.
“Yes you are right, all I found was you. Once again I settled for second best by the looks of it. Even in my dreams I have to settle for second best, maybe that’s just who I am and all I will ever be. The woman who settles for Second best,” I said.
“Really, that’s how you see me?” Scott asked angrily.
“I don’t know how I see you, Scott. In my dreams you were mine, I had all of you. I fell in love with you, and I know for a fact in our dreams you felt the same way. You would have had to after our adventure in Scotland and Cairns, and how close we had become. God damn it Scott, I even kept you from being arrested by tackling a dodgy Irish man in the river called Emmet.
“Once I woke up from my coma my feelings never changed for you, but you, on the other hand, have hardly shown any acknowledgment or affection towards me and the experiences we have shared. Do you know how frustrating that is?” I asked.
Our voices started to grow louder the further we got into the argument. “You want to talk about frustrating, Letticia, ok let’s talk about frustrating. I car
ed for you. I was at your bedside for the whole six months you were in that coma. I had never met you before but yet I was falling in love with you in my dreams, or our dreams I should say. I wanted you so badly but in hindsight I didn’t even know you.
“I kept telling myself how insane I was, I’m a grown, intelligent man, get a grip and stay in control. It has taken all my strength not to let go and be fully with you in reality like we have been in our dreams. Now if that’s not frustrating then I don’t know what is.”
I looked at Scott in utter shock. “That’s what you call frustrating Scott? Wow, your interpretation is amusing to say the least. Try waking up from a coma and the man you thought loved you and who you thought you’d been in a relationship with for the last six months is the first person you lay eyes on, but then he rejects you. And you can see 100% in his eyes that he too is wanting to be with you, but would prefer to keep his pride than to admit that he, in fact, did fall in love with you in his dreams. That is what I call frustrating.”
I couldn’t take it anymore, I could feel my chest tightening with stress, and of course frustration. I got to my feet and pushed opened the curtain of the tepee tent, which got tangled in my arm so I frustratedly had to untie myself from it before I could escape and get out of this situation.
As I was pulling the curtain off my arm I said, “FYI this is what I call frustrating also. Damn your curtain.” I was now propelling all my frustration on the innocent curtain at hand. Once I had freed myself and was heading off to goodness knows where, I just knew I couldn’t be here, I heard Scott yell out to me, “Letticia wait up, we need to talk.”
I continued to run towards the sand dunes. I needed time on my own; I needed time and space to think. My mind was full, and all my thoughts were getting mixed up. Scott lost sight of me as I ran into the darkness. All I had was my torch to lead the way ahead.
We left a very stunned and confused Fletcher in the tepee. The look upon his face had spoken volumes. He had never experienced such a dramatic situation in his tepee before. I guess he was right in saying how he had felt such energy in us both back at the workshop. Well, that energy had just erupted in front of his very own eyes. Every last bit of energy that was inside me had now been drained and I was running on autopilot.
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