by Brenda Novak
The response came almost immediately.
WhosYourDaddy: You can’t think while we talk?
Jane began to type again. I’m afraid talking will only make me more confused.
“Where are you going with this?” Sebastian asked.
“You’ll see,” she said and sent it.
WhosYourDaddy: I’ve confused you? About what?
I think I’m falling in love with you. Jane looked over at Sebastian. “Is it too much?”
“Judging from past transcripts, I’d say so, but…”
“He wants to conquer her, wants to feel safe, as if there’s no way she’d reject him,” she said. “Let’s give him that.”
He had to try something different; he was getting desperate. He nodded, and she hit the enter key. Again, Malcolm’s answer popped immediately onto the screen.
WhosYourDaddy: I’m already in love. I’ve been in love with you for years.
Jane had been right. Malcolm was going for it. But Sebastian was a little uncomfortable that there hadn’t been much transition between his and Mary’s more cautious chats and this. Were the flowers enough to explain it? Sebastian didn’t want to tip Malcolm off….
Just in case, he took over the keyboard and typed: All from meeting me at one party?
WhosYourDaddy: From making love to you so many times in my mind.
“Things are heating up,” Jane breathed and typed the next entry.
BrownEyedGirl: When will you do it for real?
Sebastian caught her before she could hit Enter. “He’s got Mary’s address.”
“We have to draw him into the open. Until then, he’ll be a threat to her regardless. And Latisha and Marcie don’t have forever.”
She had a point. They needed to put an end to this…. “Okay.”
Jane sent it and they waited.
WhosYourDaddy: You want me in your bed?
Sebastian deferred to Jane, who responded.
BrownEyedGirl: Now. I can’t wait any longer. I dream about your hands on my body, about feeling you move inside me.
Sebastian tried to separate Malcolm’s fantasy world from his own reality, but it wasn’t easy when he was sitting in a motel room with an attractive woman who’d looked at him the way Jane had earlier.
WhosYourDaddy: Sometimes that’s all I think about.
BrownEyedGirl: The thought of it makes me wet.
Shifting to ease the tightening in his groin, Sebastian told himself to ignore the deluge of testosterone. But images of making love to Jane filled his head.
WhosYourDaddy: I should’ve sent you roses ages ago.
BrownEyedGirl: I’m going to Fresno this weekend. Meet me there.
“Fresno?” Sebastian said, even though she’d already sent it. “Fresno isn’t the most romantic place.”
“Do you have a better idea?” she asked. “It’s about halfway between here and L.A., not too far to drive. And it would allow him to see me and keep pretending he lives down south.”
“Once you know who he really is, the L.A. part won’t matter.”
“But it does now.”
His nerves taut with hope and fear, Sebastian held his breath as he awaited Malcolm’s response. Would he fall for it, or would he shut them down?
WhosYourDaddy: I told you, this is a bad weekend for me.
BrownEyedGirl: I’m going, anyway. I’ll be at the Motel 6. If you want me like you say you do, you’ll be there.
“Are you sure about this?” Sebastian asked, catching her before she could send it.
“It’ll work,” she replied. “I can feel it.”
He nodded, and she hit Enter.
WhosYourDaddy: Are you serious?
BrownEyedGirl: You’ll see.
WhosYourDaddy: But I’m in a mess right now.
BrownEyedGirl: Then I guess you’ll miss out.
WhosYourDaddy: You’re killing me!
BrownEyedGirl: Wait till you see what I bought to wear for you.
Fleetingly, Sebastian imagined kissing Jane’s throat, imagined moving lower until he reached the soft curve of her breast and removed her sweater to see that tattoo….
WhosYourDaddy: What about your kids?
Jane looked at Sebastian. “Mary’s ex helps out with the kids, doesn’t he?”
“Every other weekend.” In an effort to conceal his arousal, he scowled in concentration. “But I don’t think it’s his turn next weekend.”
That news didn’t deter her. “Fortunately, we can make an exception,” she said and started typing.
BrownEyedGirl: Their dad’s taking them. He has something special going on, so I agreed. That’s why I’m coming to you. It’s the perfect opportunity.
WhosYourDaddy: You don’t know how bad I want this.
BrownEyedGirl: Then take it. I’ll be wearing my stockings and garter belt and nothing else. Imagine me on the bed, waiting for you….
The same picture popped into Sebastian’s mind.
WhosYourDaddy: Should I bring some wine?
BrownEyedGirl: Yes. And condoms. Lots of condoms.
WhosYourDaddy: You have me so hard I’ll never be able to sleep tonight.
BrownEyedGirl: I’ll take care of you when I get there….
WhosYourDaddy: Talk me through it now.
Jane started to type, but Sebastian took over again. He knew he couldn’t bear letting this get any more explicit.
BrownEyedGirl: Sorry, you’ll have to wait. I’m not interested in anything but the real thing.
WhosYourDaddy: I want you bad.
BrownEyedGirl: You can have me—this weekend.
WhosYourDaddy: But can I trust you?
Eyebrows arched, Jane glanced over. “Uh-oh.”
“Answer right away,” Sebastian murmured. “You can’t seem hesitant.”
Her chest rose as she drew a deep breath.
BrownEyedGirl: What’s that supposed to mean?
WhosYourDaddy: Nothing.
BrownEyedGirl: I’ve got to go.
WhosYourDaddy: No, not yet.
BrownEyedGirl: Don’t worry. We’ll talk again before Friday.
With that, Jane signed off.
Sebastian sat next to her in silence, his thoughts returning to the way she’d reacted when he touched her. That simple brushing of their hands had been an experiment to see how she’d respond to physical contact. He’d assumed it was what she wanted—he’d noticed the way she glanced at his body when she thought he wasn’t paying attention, how her gaze fell to his lips when he was talking, how she blushed when their eyes met. He’d been with enough women to recognize the signs of attraction.
But what Jane wanted and what she’d permit herself were two different things. Considering her past, he understood, but he was reluctant to leave it at that. He hated to see such a pretty, vibrant woman so determined to deny herself any chance of getting beyond what her bastard husband had done.
“I’d better go,” she said.
“You have to pick up your daughter?”
“No, she’s staying overnight, but I should get some stuff done before bed.”
He wanted to stall her if he could. Her actions were opposite to the way she wanted to act—opposite to what he wanted, too. “Like…”
“Laundry, housecleaning.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Not exciting, but necessary.”
She was making herself seem as asexual as possible. It was the reverse of what he’d just seen her do online. Suspecting that was because she felt the same desire he did and was trying to put some distance between them, he decided to be honest with her. “You know you’re going to have to get over it eventually, don’t you?”
A deeper wariness entered her expression as she packed up the food. “Get over what?”
“Your fear of men.”
“I’m not afraid of men.”
“You nearly jumped out of your skin when I touched you.”
“You startled me—that’s all.” She lifted her chin. “I do
n’t react that way with every man.”
“Only me.”
She didn’t seem comfortable agreeing or disagreeing. “It’s probably the setting,” she hedged.
“That and the fact that you haven’t made love since your husband’s attack. Five years is a long time.”
Her throat muscles moved as if she had trouble swallowing. “How do you know I haven’t made love since then?”
“It shows. When you look at me, you start remembering what it was like.” He lowered his voice. “I’m guessing you want to be touched. That you want to feel alive, carefree.”
She slung her purse over her shoulder. “That’s a nice illusion. But I can’t be carefree,” she said with a brittle laugh. “Not anymore.”
He put his wineglass on the desk and stood. “You don’t have to give up that easily, Jane.”
“Give up?”
“You could fight for what you want—decide to recover in this way, too.”
She shook her head. “You…you’re wrong. I’m fully recovered.”
“You don’t miss the feel of a man’s hands on your body? His mouth on your breast? His—”
“Stop it! I don’t know why you’re doing this. I don’t miss anything.”
It was a lie. She’d spoken too loud, too rapidly. “Then what are you thinking about right now?” he asked.
“Nothing.”
“Those wide eyes of yours tell another story.”
Her attention drifted to the bed, but she edged away from it. “I’d better go.”
No matter how much she denied it, she’d rather stay. He could sense it. If only he could convince her to trust him. “I don’t have any condoms, Jane. I haven’t been with anyone in months. But I could get some.”
“I appreciate your including me in your investigation,” she said and grabbed the hamper.
That was a no. He wouldn’t push her any further. “Fine.” He took the basket so he could carry it to the door. “Thanks for the cooking.”
“No problem.” She stepped outside and grabbed the basket from his hands. At that point, he meant only to say good-night, so even he was surprised by the words that came out of his mouth.
“I’ll be here if you decide to come back.”
Ten
Jane parked at the convenience store but let her car idle. It was stupid to waste gas, but it was hard to care about such practicalities when all she could think about was the way her body had burned the moment she’d come into close contact with Sebastian. He was right; she missed having a sex life. She’d tried to cut that away, along with everything else that’d been part of her relationship with Oliver, but it was getting more difficult to ignore the natural cravings of a healthy body. She’d assumed that she bore too many scars from the past, that she couldn’t take the risk. Now she was beginning to wonder if she just hadn’t met anyone who tempted her enough.
Go back to his motel. When will you get another chance like this? She was certain Sebastian would be discreet. They knew only David in common. And Sebastian wouldn’t be staying in Sacramento for long. He was living in a motel, for crying out loud. They’d enjoy a short interlude together, he’d leave and that would be it. No one would be the wiser.
Taking a deep breath, she called her in-laws to check on Kate.
“She’s brushing her teeth. Do you want to talk to her?” Betty asked.
“No, I…I just wanted to be sure she was settled in for the night.”
“She’s ready for bed. Her homework’s done. And I’ll get her to school on time. Don’t worry about that.”
Her in-laws were reliable. Betty and Maurice had helped out a lot over the years, especially when Oliver was in prison and Jane had been struggling to make a living as a hairstylist.
“Thank you. You’re so good to us.”
“I love doing it. But…you won’t mind being home alone tonight, will you?”
She heard the concern in her mother-in-law’s voice. As illogical as they knew it was, the Burkes felt some measure of responsibility for Oliver. They’d created him, raised him; therefore, it was their mistakes that’d made him turn out as he had. “I won’t mind.”
“It’s only nine-thirty, Jane. Why not go have a drink somewhere? See if you can meet someone?”
If her mother-in-law had any idea what she was contemplating…“I’m too tired for that,” she lied. “I think I’ll head straight home to bed.”
“I wish—” Betty fell silent.
“What is it?” Jane asked, but she already knew what her mother-in-law wished. She wished they could all heal and forget.
“You must be lonely, Janey.”
She and Noah’s widow, Wendy, and the grandkids were all the Burkes had left. Wendy had grown as close to them as Jane had, but they weren’t close to each other. Wendy still blamed Jane for Noah’s death.
Jane took a deep breath. “Mom, stop worrying about me, okay?”
“I’ll try, honey.” There was another brief silence. “Do you need me to pick up Kate from school tomorrow?”
“No, I’ve got it.”
“Call me if you change your mind.”
Jane smiled at her willingness to pitch in, to be involved. The Burkes adored their grandchildren, clung to them even tighter now that they’d lost so much. “Will do. Love you,” she said and disconnected.
A car pulled in alongside hers. Jane continued to let her car idle as the driver went into the store and came out with a six-pack.
Should she go back to Sebastian’s room?
Why not? What was the big deal? It would be merely a temporary arrangement between two lonely people. Once she knew she could get beyond her fears of intimacy, maybe she’d be ready to start dating again.
Jane couldn’t imagine that, but the idea of a trial run seemed logical. Wouldn’t it be better to know if she was capable of letting go?
Her cell phone rang. She didn’t welcome the diversion—she was too focused on her decision—but it was David, so she answered.
“How’d it go today?” he asked.
Jane got out of her car and walked through the aisles of the convenience store as she explained what had happened in Ione and at the motel with the instant messaging.
“So Sebastian seems normal?” David asked.
He was as “normal” as she was, but she knew she was using the term loosely. They were both damaged, both still fighting to build new lives from the ashes of their old ones. “Yeah, he’s fine. We’re lucky he’s helping us. How’d your search go?”
“I found the gun.”
“The murder weapon?”
“Yep.”
“So you’ll be able to close this homicide case?”
“I can only hope.”
A bored-looking man in his late fifties stood behind the cash register. Every time Jane glanced up, she saw him watching her, so she purposely passed up the condoms and pretended to be examining the snacks.
“Tomorrow, I’ll get hold of the owner of that house in Ione, see if Wesley Boss has a forwarding address,” she told David.
“Let me know what you find.”
“Of course.”
He yawned loudly. “Thanks for your help, Jane. I’m so buried, I don’t know what I would’ve done without you today.”
“You’re doing the best you can. Don’t beat yourself up because you can’t do more.”
“I’ve gotta go. Sounds like one of the kids is up, and I need to get whoever it is back in bed. Have a good night.”
“I will,” she said and hung up.
Trying to assess her birth-control options while standing by the beef jerky, she eyed the condoms. One box touted “ultrathin for maximum sensation.” Another said, “Appealing vanilla scent.”
It’d been far too long since she’d been in the market for such items. What a selection! Red, green, blue, thin, sheepskin, ribbed, large, medium, scented. She had no idea what to buy. Would ultrathin provide enough protection?
Suddenly, none of them seemed to provide enou
gh protection. So what if Sebastian was every woman’s dream? So what if her heart pounded at the thought of touching him? She was a mother; she had responsibilities.
She walked out. But five minutes later she pulled into a drugstore and bought three different kinds—ribbed, sheepskin and vanilla-scented. If she was going to do this, she’d do it right. And why not? Why let Oliver cost her any more than he already had?
“This is for you,” she told him and marched to the checkout register, where she dropped all three boxes on the counter as if daring the clerk to think anything of it.
Jane had gone home, showered, shaved and used scented lotion. She’d thought if she gave herself time, she might change her mind. But she hadn’t. If anything, she’d become more determined. She would’ve considered buying some pretty lingerie, but the stores were closed and she didn’t own any she could bring from home. In the past five years, she’d gotten far too practical to spend money on something she wasn’t likely to use. Hoping to obliterate the memories, she’d thrown out everything she’d had from before. What a mess her life had been….
Since she didn’t have anything more suitable, she’d opted for an attractive yet casual designer sweat suit, one she’d picked up on eBay for half the cost. She’d also put on her prettiest lace bra and some brown-and-beige panties. Now that she stood at Sebastian’s door, however, she couldn’t force herself to knock. Her underwear didn’t really match her bra, and he had expensive tastes. Would he care about that?
