by Paige North
“She hates me.”
“She does not, Zayden. She’s curious because you watch her but you rarely interact. Why not let that guard down sometimes? You’ll find that she’s a lot of fun to be around.” On the wall next to me, I pass my hand underneath the antibacterial gel dispenser and rub it all over my hands. Then taking the tip of my finger, I swipe it inside her mouth lightly to find that her lower tooth has indeed come out. “Look, feel here.”
“Nah, I’ve been touching airplanes all day.”
“Fine,” I say, “but tomorrow, take a look at her tooth. She’s growing up, Zayden. Soon, she’ll be a woman.” I hold back a laugh.
“Off to college,” he says, linking his arm around my waist.
Quiet moments pass. “I had a great day. Thank you, Zayden.”
“My pleasure, sweetheart.”
This feels nice.
Here we are, watching Olivia sleep, talking about her like she’s our own daughter. One day, this bubble’s gonna burst, my conscience tells me. One day, your job here will be over. What are you going to do then?
I shush my thoughts, because I don’t want to deal with them now. I’m having a nice moment with these two and for the first time in my life, things feel complete. I have a beautiful home I get to live in, a handsome, complicated man who’s trying his best despite being out of his comfort zone, and a little baby who may not be mine, but I love her to pieces. My pumpkin chunky monkey.
Some would say I have it all. And I get paid for it.
They would be right. But who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I dip down to kiss baby Olivia on her cheek. Her little lips pout as though she’s drinking from her bottle, and she sighs. When I look at Zayden, he’s smiling. His hands cradle my face, and he looks into my eyes, and then slowly, he comes in for a kiss.
“You…are the best thing that baby’s ever had,” he says. “We should all be so lucky.”
Zayden
Something has shifted.
I know I’m in too deep, but I can’t help myself. It’s like an orgasm when it begins. There’s a moment where you can catch it, prevent it from happening. Then, there’s the moment where someone kicks you over the cliff and it’s too late—you fall. And no matter how much you scrabble to catch earth with your clawed hands, you can’t stop yourself.
It feels too good.
And so we go out together more often as a couple. In fact, Olivia now sees her babysitter a couple times a week because Bailey and I go out so much. Most nights, we go out alone, checking out new restaurants and bars or just taking walks around the city. Sometimes we go out by car, and I love peeling through the streets in my Bentley, hearing her shriek and laugh her ass off.
I love her laugh.
If there was a sound that could get my ass up out of bed every day and tackle the world when I was feeling depressed, it’d be the sound of Bailey’s bubbly laughter. It even makes Olivia laugh, and when the two of them get going, I’m a goner. There’s no way I can resist both of them.
“Do you mind if I stop by the office a quick second?” I ask, as we’re heading down 7th Avenue on one such night. “We’re already here.”
“Fine by me,” she replies.
It’s seven and near dinnertime, but there was something I had to check on for the meeting tomorrow, and there’s a good chance my team is still there working out the kinks. I’ve never brought a girl into the office before, and I’m bound to get some strange looks.
“Welcome home, sir.” Carlos flashes his bright smile, always good to see him, and it’s been a while, since I’ve been working from home. “And the young lady’s name?” he whispers as I’m sliding him his tip and coming around the car.
“Miss Rainville. Bailey.”
“Very well, sir.” He opens up Bailey’s door. “Evening, miss. Have a pleasant stay at JetFlash.” He helps her out gently like the gentleman he is, and together, we walk into the building. I suck in a breath. Here goes nothing.
Everyone says hello, left and right. I realize I’m walking way too fast and too ahead of Bailey. Her heels click clack on the tile floor quickly. I know I need to make a decision here—make it look like I don’t know her that well, like she’s just my nanny who’s come along for the ride—or show the world that we’re together.
This will mean everything.
When I glance back at her, she smiles to show she’s fine but I can tell she’s wondering the same thing. Honestly, I don’t want to get an earful later about how I made her feel like a dirty secret. So I reach back for her hand. Bailey takes it timidly. Almost immediately, I hear the whispers of all the familiar people at the front desk, near the elevators, all the way to the top floor where JetFlash is.
When we arrive, I stop to introduce her to a few people, all whom give me knowing looks, as if they’ve suddenly realized why I’ve been out of the office for so long. Bailey greets everyone with her beautiful smile, even though she’s in ripped jeans and obviously wasn’t prepared to be introduced to my co-workers and employees.
I actually don’t feel nearly as weird as I thought I would, bringing her into my world.
Fuck, maybe people do change…
At dinner, we meet up with Carson and Jackie. This is the first time they’ll meet Bailey, and they have no idea she’s even coming. When we walk in, they’re already sitting at a table. They pause in conversation when they see us rolling up, and Carson has to look twice to make sure it’s really me and not some pussified version of me.
“Well, well, well…look what the cat dragged in. Haven’t seen you in like practically a month, buddy.” He gives me a bro hug, the kind where you pat each other on the back, then he whispers in my ear. “Jail bait? What is she, like sixteen?”
I give his hand a death grip that sends him cursing. Just because Bailey’s got a doll face, and Jackie’s already showing her age, there’s no need to get jealous.
I laugh and greet Jackie who’s looking skinnier and more yoga-like than ever. I used to really be into women with bodies like hers. It was almost a goal for me in my early twenties. Hot, athletic, lean. But honestly, I wouldn’t trade Bailey’s soft curves for anything in the world. I prefer the Bailey type.
“Jackie, Carson, this is Bailey Rainville.”
They say hello and make pleasant conversation, and Bailey is doing really well keeping up with the questions about her life, but part of me deep inside is wondering what they think. Is she too young? Do they think I’m robbing the cradle? I mean, she’s twenty-two—it’s not like she’s a baby. Besides, the age gap seems to disappear when you love someone.
Love someone.
What the fuck is that all about.
I’m going to shelf that for now, because suddenly, my stomach plummets. I don’t have thoughts like that—ever. Dinner and drinks go great, and when it’s time to leave, Jackie gives me that well-meaning tilt of the head and smile that she usually does when she can’t say what she really wants to say, and that’s how proud she is of you.
“Zayden, thanks for introducing us to Bailey. She’s…so sweet! Hope to see you again, honey,” she tells Bailey, and I almost slap my own forehead. She may as well have said, “Zayden never brings the same girl around twice. We hope you make the cut.”
Carson just gives me that look that buddies do when they know you’ve been a dog, and you know that they know, but no one’s going to mention it in the presence of a young lady. Still, he leans in and says, “Good for you, bro. Good for you.”
I’m simultaneously relieved and mortified at the same time.
What does it mean that Carson’s congratulating me?
Does this mean I officially have a girlfriend? Isn’t there an in-between stage a man can be at where they’re bringing a girl around but it’s not official and people aren’t already saving money to buy you a wedding gift? Wherever that stage is, that’s the most I can handle right now.
That night, we get home in time to see Olivia getting ready for bed. I have to say, there
’s something soothing about coming home to that chunky monkey, as Bailey calls her, and squeezing that pudgy baby flesh and smelling her skin when she holds onto your neck so close. Ugh, I fucking knew I shouldn’t get to know her.
Bailey’s eyes practically sparkle when Olivia hugs me.
How do I tell this kid that I love her, but I’m scared? That families terrify me. That one thing could come along to ruin anything she and I build, and it could all be over in an instant. Though she hasn’t been through it, I have. And I can’t do it again.
I love seeing those sapphires light up, eyes so much like her Uncle Callum who no longer exists except in her ethereal smile. “Here—I can’t take this.” I hand the baby back to Bailey who gives me weird looks while I escape to my room, strip down naked, and slide into bed, staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck I’ve gotten myself into.
A little while later, Bailey comes in and closes the door. She slides off her pants down to her shirt and panties and crawls into bed with me. “You okay, babe?” Babe. She’s been calling me that for about a week now. I kind of love it, but I kind of cringe every time I hear it. It’s a slippery slope, and I’m barely hanging on.
“I’m good.” I don’t mention how uncomfortable I felt at parts of the night with my friends watching us so closely. I don’t mention how I’m willing to push through these things, because I think I feel for her and Olivia, too.
Instead, I pull her into my arms to shush her. It’s the only thing I can do sometimes.
Not talk.
At night, the love we make is slow, deliberate, and powerful. Her curvy fine ass crawls up onto my body and sits itself down on me, riding me slow, building me up gradually to new heights. Slippery slope, Zayden. In too deep. Her breasts, her flat stomach, her round curves, her doll face, that blonde hair falling down her shoulders in waves that make her look like a Botticelli painting. She’s gorgeous, and she’s mine. At least I keep telling myself that she is.
Where did she come from? Is the universe trying to tell me something? Because I’m not sure for how long I can keep this going. She’s already outlasted any other women I’ve dated. I’m good with her sleeping here tonight, every night if she wants to, and I’m good with this thing we got going. But there’s levels to everything. What happens when it comes time for Olivia to go? What happens when Bailey can’t handle it all coming to an end?
Everything’s going to fall apart. If you let it, my inner voice tells me.
If I let it.
I claim to be a man in control. I’ve controlled every aspect of my life until now. I control my business, my contacts, my social life, my constant stream of women, my finances, and everything under the sun. But I can’t control how I feel for Bailey, and I can’t control the rate of speed at which I’m falling for her.
I can’t control how much I love watching her bare body rise and fall and twist and bear down and take me in and use me, use me good, because it’s what I’m good at, making her feel good. Until when, though?
When she comes hard and cries out, there’s no sweeter sound in all the world, no more beautiful sight than her head leaning to one side, as she croons out her pleasure, her nipples perking with goose flesh, ripples radiating up her torso. I can’t hold out, nor do I want to. I want to feel myself inside of her, spilling thick ropes of seed, coming deep into her, giving her a part of me, giving her everything.
Whatever I have, I want her to take it. I’m out of control. Completely. In love. With her, with Olivia, with this little life we’re living, with this semblance of a family that echoes of my own from long ago. And it’s terrifying. So fucking terrifying, I fall asleep with her in my arms, wondering how long before the mirage fades. How long before the chemicals even out. How long before the dream fades, and it’s back to reality.
Because it will, you know. It will.
It always does.
Bailey
One day, Zayden takes Olivia for a while so I can call my mom.
If I feel any obligation to tell anyone about Zayden and me, it’s Mom. Before I call, though, I can’t stop smiling. From the office, I see Zayden playing with Olivia in the living room. She’s started pulling up using the furniture to hold herself up. She’s such a strong big girl, a happy one that lets out a little shriek when she does it by herself.
Zayden claps and smiles down at her. She’s enthralled with her daddy.
As she should be. He’s really becoming an amazing dad, even though he was stubborn at first. Just goes to show what wonders a little baby’s smile can do to your heart.
“Bailey?” Mom answers the phone.
“Hey, Mom. How’s it going?”
“Good, we’re here getting ready to watch Monday Night Football. Haven’t heard from you in a while. How’s the nanny job going?”
I tell her all about “the nanny job.” How Olivia is a bright little girl, how she seemed sad at first because of her situation but how she’s really opened up so much. I feel my pulse racing at the thought of telling her the whole truth.
“Mom, there’s more,” I say, my stomach crunching into a ball. “I’ve been seeing someone, too.”
“Have you now?” she says, the sound of her voice muffling. Then, I hear, “It’s Bailey. She says she’s seeing someone.” I know she’s talking to Grandma.
“Mom, you don’t have to give Grandma the play-by-play. I just wanted you to know, because there’s a good chance I’ll be posting pics online and I didn’t want you to be the last to know.”
“Well, that’s good. You’re thinking of me, for once. So, who is he?”
I watch him lift Olivia into the air, smiling at her even as his gorgeous face gets attacked with lines of saliva dripping from her smiling mouth. “He’s a dad,” I say, smiling at the pair.
“A dad? Bailey, how old is he? You’re very young to be involved with a man who has children.”
“Mom, I never said I was going to marry him. But he’s a father of a ten-month-old baby. An adorable baby girl. There’s nothing wrong with that is there?”
“Well, no, there isn’t. But where’s the mother?” she asks, her voice full of concern.
“Out of the picture, Mom. Obviously.”
“How do you even have time to date anybody when you’re working full-time as a nanny?” Mom is full of questions, a hard thing to juggle when you’re also disseminating information to a third party. “The boy she’s seeing is a father,” she tells my grandmother. “Of a baby. The mother is out of the picture.”
“Mom…stop. I’ll call grandma later and talk to her.”
“Okay, honey, but listen. Don’t get too involved. If it’s just sex, let it be sex…”
“Mom.”
“But a man with a child is a tricky situation. You can get shit from the mother, things won’t be pretty, trust me… Besides, you want to be with someone without kids. That way, when you get married and are ready to have your own—”
“Mom,” I interrupt. “Stop. First, I don’t even know that I can…”
I trail off. My mother has phospholipid syndrome, the reason she miscarried when I was younger and lost my baby brother at birth. I’ve never been tested but there’s a good chance I could have it, too, since it’s hereditary.
“Look, I don’t want to get into it right now. We’ll talk later. Football’s about to start.”
Which is good, because I want to end this phone call now, that’s how well it’s going.
But I can’t without telling her. It’s a burning secret in my heart. After accusing Zayden of keeping me as his dirty little secret, I can’t do the same to him.
“How did you meet this man, anyway?” she says, finally giving me the perfect chance to tell her the whole truth.
I close my eyes and sigh. “He’s my boss, Mom.”
Silence, as she processes my words. Slowly, she churns out, “Your boss…the billionaire daddy?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“The one who was rude and mean to you?”
“It’s not like that anymore. He’s changed. We’ve all changed. I’ve been here almost four months. A lot can happen.”
“Bailey,” my mom sighs. I know I’m about to get an earful. “I know you’re feeling lured by the money, but this may not be a good idea.”
“Lured by the money? The money is actually the last thing I ever think about. Yeah, it’s nice to go places, buy things, and not have to worry about it, but he’s the reason I’m with him.”
“Honey, his baby mama’s in jail.”
“So?”
“So I’m just scared of what’s going to happen to you when this fairy tale is over soon, and your heart is broken into a million pieces when it’s time for the baby to leave.”
Inwardly, I chastise myself for ever having told my mother so much about the gig back when I started working for Zayden. “Mom, it’s fine. Everything’s going great. Zayden is a changed man. He’s turned a hundred and eighty degrees.”
“But you made him out to be a monster when you started.”
“I know I did, but things have changed between us. We’re…we’re falling in love,” I say. Wow, it sounds so naïve even to my ears now when I say it out loud, but we are, and I wish my mom would celebrate that fact with me instead of making this out to be a tragedy.
Mom grunts and I can see her shaking her head. What will she tell Grandma when we hang up? I can hear the complaints now. “Bailey, this is all I’m going to say… People don’t change overnight, so be careful. Things might seem hunky-dory now—”
“Please don’t say hunky-dory. It’s so ancient.”
“I may be ancient, the way I talk might be ancient, but listen to your mother—permanent change takes longer. It takes years. And from what you told me, that man doesn’t know what he wants from one day to the next. What if he decides tomorrow that he’s done with you? Done-yun rings.”
“Don’t say done-yun rings either.”
