“Are you okay?” Denise hands me my nightly coffee, liberally doused with whiskey.
“I’m not sure.”
She and I, we’ve always been honest with one another since we got together. No matter if it were easy or not. We’ve truly been each other’s partner. Some things have been easier than others, but we’ve tried our best to be what the other needs.
“What’s going on?”
She sits next to me on the couch, her own coffee in her hand.
We’re sitting on our screened-in porch. It’s been one of her favorite places since she came to live here, and over the years it’s become one of mine too. Truth be told, I hadn’t thought twice about this porch when I first built the house. Nothing prepared me for how important this little piece of my property would mean to me and my family.
I take a drink, probably bigger than I need to, but I’ll need it.
“Mandy,” I start.
She breathes loudly, almost as if she knows what I’m about to tell her. In response she takes a drink of her coffee too, pulling her legs up underneath her.
“I know,” she answers.
“No, I don’t think you do. I don’t think any of us did.”
How do I tell my wife her daughter possibly was planning to kill herself?
“I talked to Walker today,” I continue. “And he told me something that scared the shit out of me,” I reach out to grab her hand. Not only to comfort her, but to give me the courage to continue. “He said the other night he came downstairs and saw something he hadn’t seen before. Mandy had a bottle of alcohol and was counting out pills next to it.”
“What?” She sits up immediately.
“Yeah,” I hold her hand tightly. “It scared him, have to say even talking about it scared me. She needs help, and it isn’t even about what’s been happening since Justice was taken. Maybe that started it, but bottom line is she needs help. She won’t ask for it herself, and it’s going to be up to us to get it for her.”
Silent tears stream down Denise’s face. “I saw her today, and she didn’t act like anything was wrong. We had a good afternoon,” she pushes her fingers under her eyes.
“You and I both know most people who need help won’t ask for it. They act like things are fine.”
“Not my daughter,” she shakes her head. “Not my daughter.”
I reach over wrapping my arms around her. “Mental health doesn’t discriminate, I think we’ve all become very aware of that in the last few months.”
“Don’t compare Mandy to him,” Denise bites out.
Now she’s in fighting mode. This is the woman I know and love. I’m aware of what her normal progression is through whatever’s happening with her. First she gets sad, then she wants to fight. I’ll fight with her any day of the week.
“The fact of the matter is, Steele had issues. Nobody can deny that. According to what Walker said, Mandy has some, and we’ve got to get in front of them. He shouldn’t be the man of the house.”
Denise takes a deep breath. “I just don’t understand how I didn’t notice this. She was right here today,” she gestures in front of her. “Granted she wasn’t completely happy, but I didn’t see anything to indicate she was in dire need like that. Liam, I just…” she starts crying again.
I grab her into my arms, holding her tightly. “We’re gonna get through this. You know we will. As a family we always get through everything.”
She nods, sniffling. “But when is enough going to be enough?” Her voice is strangled. “When do we get to go back to normal?”
“What is normal?” I push her hair back out of her face. “I feel like since the day we met we’ve never had a normal,” I chuckle.
“You’re right, I still can’t believe you’ve stuck with me all these years.”
“There’s no where else I’d rather be,” I kiss her softly. “Life was never supposed to be easy, babe.”
“It’s definitely not been,” she laughs.
“But it could have been so much worse. We’re lucky, no matter what we go through that we have not only each other, but an entire network of people who love us. That whole network will hold Mandy up as she gets over whatever it is she needs to get over. But we have to confront her, babe. We have to get her to be honest with us.”
“That’s going to be hard,” she sighs. “Mandy doesn’t like to ask for help, especially since all this shit happened with Dalton and the baby.”
I know she’s right, and I know it’s going to be hard. But the one thing I want more than anything is to make sure my daughter is okay.
Family is number one, it’s never been anything less, and no matter what I have to do, I’m going to make sure they’re okay.
“Are you going to talk to her?” Denise whispers.
“I think she’ll take it better from me than she will from you.”
“You’re probably right.”
Downing the last of my coffee, I know my day tomorrow is going to be emotional and hard, but it will be worth it.
Chapter Four
Liam
When I was growing up, I heard people mention the hardest thing you could ever do is be a parent. To me that was bullshit because of who my parents were. As I’ve gotten older, I realize it’s true.
Being a grandparent is fun, you get to do all the cool shit and be less of a disciplinarian. They don’t look to you for all the answers, they look to you to be their fun away from home. You can let them eat chocolate at midnight on a Friday, let them sleep until noon on a Saturday, then take them out for a ride on the bike, if that’s what they want. The schedules and the pressures aren’t there anymore.
But then you realize, you’re still the parent to their mom or dad. And now your roll as parent is so much more important. If you fuck up seeing your child is screaming for help it affects not only them, but that grandchild you’ve had so much fun with. It’s a trickle down, and at some point responsibility has to be taken.
Which is why I’m pulling into the driveway of Mandy and Dalton’s home unannounced. I heard through the grapevine Mandy called into work today. I purposely didn’t drive my bike because I didn’t want her to immediately know it’s me, and temper her reaction or her emotions.
I want to know what my girl is going through.
Without putting on a mask for everyone else.
I want the full, the raw, and the unedited. It’s time to hear those screams for help and I’m gonna be the one to help her. Even if I have to drag her outta here kicking and screaming.
There’s no movement as I park and get out of my truck.
Used to be, she’d be running out as soon as I parked in the driveway, Walker beside her, Dalton looking proudly from the doorway. She’d be animatedly telling me about what was going on in their household, bragging on something Walker or Dalton did, and making sure they knew how excited she was.
This is a stark difference, and my first clue that this is worse than I imagined.
Slowly, I walk up the stairs until I’m at the door. I knock once, twice, and then three times.
Nothing.
I ring the doorbell.
Nothing.
Never have I ever used the key they’ve hidden for emergencies, but my heart is pounding and I feel in my bones something isn’t right. Extending to my full height, I grab for the notch above the door, take out the key, and shove it into the lock. My hands are shaking, and I’m not sure why, all I know is I have to get into this house.
Once I’m in, I scream. “Mandy!”
There’s no answer. My heart is pounding so hard I feel a heart attack coming on.
“Mandy!”
I run. All through the house, checking every room, wanting more than I’ve ever wanted anything to find her.
My feet come to a complete stop. There’s one room none of us have gone in.
Not since Mandy lost the baby. Even now the door is closed, and I try to convince myself she isn’t in there.
Slowly, almost comically slow if I
were watching someone else do this, my hand reaches for the doorknob. I turn and open it even slower.
She’s there. Sitting in the middle of the room, facing the crib.
“Mandy,” my voice is soft this time. I need her to turn around, need to know she’s okay. “Mandy, look at me sweetheart.”
Her body turns, her knees are up to her chest, tears are streaming down her face. “He would have been six months old today,” she sobs. “And nobody remembers it but me.”
I rush in, taking her in my arms.
“Things are going to be okay,” I soothe her, rocking her like I used to when she was a kid.
“It’s never going to be okay again,” she hiccups, holding onto me tightly. Her hands fist in my shirt, and that’s when I see it.
She’s got a bottle of alcohol and a row of pills counted out, just like Walker said she had the other night.
“What are you doing?” I put my hand under her chin, forcing her to look at me.
Her eyes are full of pain, her eyelashes sticking together thanks to the wetness of her tears.
“I don’t know what to do anymore,” she sniffles. “Things were fucked when everything happened with Justice, and they’ve just not gotten better.”
They have though. They’ve gotten better for everyone but her.
“What’s with this?” I gesture to the alcohol and pills in front of her.
Her face scrunches up and she wails. “I’m in so much pain,” she screams. “And I can’t help but think everyone would be better off without me.”
“No,” I hug her close. “That’s so far from the truth, sweetheart.”
It seems like we sit there for hours, me holding her while she purges all the bad feelings from her body. She cries like I’ve never seen her cry before.
When she’s finally done, she pulls back from me, face red, eyes raw.
“Dad, I need help.”
“I know you do, and we’ll get you the help you need.”
No matter what it takes, she’ll have anything and everything she needs.
Chapter Five
Dalton
Six months. Today, he would have been six months old.
We don’t know that it was a boy, but Mandy and I, we hoped he would be. I want to carry on the tradition of the club, and she has plenty of girl time with her sisters and nieces. We planned so much for this child.
Neither one of us had ever thought we’d have another one. We’d never practiced birth control after Walker, and we’d both flat out decided we’d been blessed with him and that was enough.
But after everything with Justice. We’d been surprised.
A light at the end of a dark and long tunnel.
Everyone was surprised and excited. Especially when Drew and Charity had announced they were expecting. The girls were going to experience this together.
After everything that happened with Justice, we were on track to have one of the happiest times the club had ever had.
Then tragedy struck.
Mandy woke me up in the middle of the night. Blood fuckin’ everywhere. I still see it in my dreams sometimes. The darkest dreams, when I can’t sleep and it all comes flooding back to me. The ambulance had taken so long to get there, I almost put her in my truck and drove her myself.
Walker stood on the periphery of everything looking shell shocked. Which was probably what we looked like too.
None of us knew how to react, how to respond once she came home and she no longer had the baby.
Then she’d fallen into this deep depression and I haven’t been able to get her out. When she asked me to leave, it seemed like it was the least I could do. If I couldn’t make her happy again, maybe I could satisfy her needs.
But she’s not invited me back home yet, and that’s what I crave the most.
Home.
Family.
My wife.
“I need to talk to you.”
Liam’s voice is unexpected, so I turn around sharply from the bike I’ve been working on. As soon as I get a look at his face, I’m terrified.
“What’s happened?”
“When was the last time you saw Mandy?” He questions, his voice harsh.
The harshness slightly pisses me off. “A few days ago. I’m not exactly her favorite person right now.”
“She’s struggling, Dalton.”
It’s the way he speaks, the tone he uses that scares me. I’ve never heard him use it before, and I’ve been around when Liam has gone through some shit.
“What happened?”
Liam is almost at a loss for words. He sits down on one of the benches, putting his face in his hands. I watch his back as he takes a few deep breathes, then pushes his fingers through his hair. “Walker told me she wasn’t doing well, so I went to check on her. She had pills and booze. The pills were lined up.”
The world around me tilts and I’m on my ass in two seconds flat.
Drew sees what happens and comes running, Liam jumps up to help me. The father and son share a look, and I’m escorted quickly into the office.
I don’t know where everyone goes, but when I come back to myself we’re alone.
“Is she alive?” I let the words fall out of my lips with no emotion. Because if she’s dead, I have nothing anymore.
Liam confirms. “She’s alive, I got to her before she did anything stupid, but she needs help, Dalton. You all do, fuck, we all do. I called Doc Jones, and she made a recommendation to have her hospitalized for a couple of days. So I called an ambulance.”
I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
“She asked not to see you.”
Somehow that doesn’t surprise me after everything we’ve been through.
“Where’s Walker?”
I need to make sure my kid is okay. I couldn’t be the husband Mandy needed, but I can be the father Walker needs.
“Still at school, I figured you’d want to go get him.”
Immediately, I have this burning urge to go get him, to hold my son in my arms, and to try and put his life back together. To put our lives back together.
I’ve let Mandy call the shots for too long, assuming she would realize what was happening. It’s time for me to be the responsible one, to hold us together instead of tearing us apart.
“I’m gonna take off and go get him, let him know what’s going on.”
Liam stops me. “He knows, Dalton. Don’t treat him like a kid. He knows.”
The implication chills me to my core.
I’m on my bike and driving to the school faster than I should be.
Only then do I let a few tears fall. For the life we had, and the one that’s unknown.
Glancing up at the sky, I send out a prayer that we make it through.
I don’t know how to live without my family, and now? I flat out refuse to.
Chapter Six
Liam
It’s been a long time since I stood before the club like this, but I always promised myself if they needed me, I’d be right here. And right now, they need me.
We’re packed to the gills with kids, members, wives, and anyone else who loves Mandy.
Denise steps up next to me, holding my hand. She gives me strength even in the weakest hours.
“Thank you everybody, for coming.”
I nod to each and every family present. Noting Mandy and Dalton aren’t here. It feels weird to do this without them.
“As many of you know, when Justice was taken and Travis was killed, it changed us all. Some of us in more ways than we even realized. For months afterward there were dark times, but glimmers of light were able to shine in. One of those light sources was both Mandy and Drew announcing they’d be adding to their families.”
Will makes this precise moment the one where he coos loudly, causing everybody to laugh. It does me good, to know there’s still beauty in every day things.
“Mandy suffered a miscarriage mid-term, and I don’t think any of us realized how badly she’s been dealing with it
. Dalton is taking a leave from the club, and Mandy is getting the help she needs.”
That sobers them up quickly.
“Drew will need you all to be willing to help, and it goes without saying if the Barnett’s need anything, we’ll be there. Right now we have to come together as the family we’ve always been.”
I see people start to hold hands, until all of them are holding hands around the room.
It chokes me up, and I do the best I can to continue, but then I hear the voice of my wife.
“Mandy, Dalton, and Walker need your prayers, along with the rest of us. It’s not easy to see your child suffer, to not be able to do anything to help her. We’re all going to be feeling out the next few months, and I know we’ll make it,” she smiles. “We’ve always made it.”
“We’ll do what we do best,” I tell them. “We’ll come together as a family and support each and every person who needs it. If you have any questions or concerns, Tyler and I are available until further notice.”
The group divides quietly.
None of us really know what to say, but we’re all hopeful for a good outcome.
Justice runs over to me. She pulls on my hand.
“Whatcha want, buttercup?”
She motions with her finger for me to bend down. I do, I haven’t been able to deny her anything since she was kidnapped.
“Mandy will be alright,” she whispers in my ear.
Those words bring me more peace than anything has this day. If Justice, who went through what she did can find it in her heart to comfort me, and assure me life isn’t falling completely apart, then I have to believe she knows something the rest of us don’t.
“I promise,” she holds out her pinky to me.
“You do?” I hold mine out to her.
Our pinkies hook, and we smile at one another.
“I do.”
From the mouths of babes to the ears of God.
Liam (Heaven Hill Shorts Book 7) Page 2
