Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Epilogue
Craving Redemption
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Tracy Lorraine
Sneak Peek
Falling for Ryan: Part One
Copyright © 2019 by Tracy Lorraine
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
Edited by Pinpoint Editing
Proofread by Andie M. Long
Photography by James Critchley
Model George RJ
Cover design and formatting by Dandelion Cover Designs
Andy and Amelia
Prologue
Lauren
The second the door slams shut, I turn into Joe’s chest. Squeezing my eyes shut, I fight my need to break down, but the devastation running through my body is too strong.
I just did the one thing I never thought I’d be strong enough to do.
I sent the only man I’ve ever loved away.
Joe’s strong arms wrap around my body and he whispers ‘everything’s okay’ in my ear. I don’t believe a word of it. How can anything be okay when it hurts this fucking much?
With my heart in pieces, I give myself over to my tears. I suck in deep lungfuls of air as I sob into the hot skin of his chest.
His hands softly rub my back, but it does nothing to soothe the pain. Nothing in the world can make what I just did any better.
The hurt in Ben’s eyes as he looked at the two of us is going to be forever in my mind. I’d always hoped that I’d get the chance to do to him what he did to me the day he left. I hoped in some fucked up way that it would make it all right, but the crack in my heart that I’ve been living with for the past six years is now bigger than ever.
I’d convinced myself that he obviously didn’t love me back then; that in the long run, him walking away was the best thing that could have happened. I’d fallen head over heels so fast that the longer it lasted, the more it was going to hurt when it ended.
But the man I just sent away isn’t one who doesn’t care. He’s a man who loves me just as much now as he did back then. His feelings were written all over his face; they have been since the day he walked back into the office like no time had passed.
Everything I thought I knew has been smashed to pieces over the last couple of days, and right now, I don’t know which way is fucking up.
It’s not until Joe’s warmth leaves me that I realise he’s moved us to the sofa.
“You did the right thing there, sweets,” he says, wrapping his hand around the back of my head and kissing my forehead. He rests his lips there for a few seconds, and I’m reminded of everything this man has given me.
He appeared in my life just at the right time. If it weren’t for him, I’ve no idea how I’d have got my life back on track after Ben left. Somehow he managed to pick me up and point me in the right direction, something everyone else around me failed to achieve.
Fate brought us together, and I’ll forever be grateful that he turned up looking for a job when he did. He’s been my rock this week. He’s done every single thing I’ve asked of him, which is why he’s the one drying my tears right now. My body trembles once again as memories from only moments ago at our door hit me.
My head might tell me that it was the right thing to do, but it seems my heart has another opinion.
Chapter One
Ben
“Ben?” Mum calls, following my footsteps from only seconds ago. “Ben, what the hell are you…” She trails off when she takes in the scene in front of her. “No. No, you’re not going.” Reaching out, she snatches my bag from the bed and frantically turns it over so she can shake out everything I’d just shoved inside. She doesn’t stop until the bag’s completely empty.
Her face twists with emotion and panic. “You’re not doing this. You’re not leaving.”
“It’s over.”
“No, it’s not. It’s just the beginning. Please, Ben. Please.” Her voice cracks, and the sound is like another knife to my heart.
All my life, I’ve only ever wanted to protect the two women I love, but at every turn, the only thing I seem to do is hurt them.
“It’s best for everyone if I just leave. I’m causing too much pain.”
She watches as I throw all the clothes I have back into my small holdall. She’s deep in thought, presumably trying to come up with a way to make me stay, but I think we both know she’s not going to win this fight.
“You’re not. I love having you back. It’s been an emotional week. We all just need a little time to find a new rhythm and get back to some kind of normal. Everything will be fine.”
“I’m so fed up of everyone saying that. How is everything going to be okay, Mum? Huh? The business is one bad job away from going under. This place…well,” I throw my arms out in defeat. “And Lauren. She’s moved on. She doesn’t want me.”
“She’s scared, Ben.”
“She didn’t look that scared in his arms.”
Mum opens her mouth to say something but changes her mind at the last minute. “Put yourself in her shoes. Just give her time.”
“Fuck time,” I spit. “It’s been six years. It’s now or never.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t I?”
“This is my fault,” she mutters, spinning on the spot and pulling her hair back from her face. Stopping what I’m doing, I stare at her, waiting for her to say more. When her eyes find mine again, guilt oozes from them.
“What did you do?”
“I…” She hesitates and my pulse picks up speed. “You need to remember that I’m trying to support both of you here.”
“What. Did. You. Do?” I spit, my frustration building with her bullshit stalling tactics.
“I warned Lauren that you were on your way.”
The fear on Lauren’s face when she first opened the door earlier fills my mind; her hesitance to say or do anything as I stared back at her.
“You set that up? You put me through that?” I roar, not really believing what I’m hearing. “I had to stand there and watch him with his hands all over her because of you? Whose side exactly are you on here?”
“I’m not on anyone’s side, Ben.”
“Bullshit. I’m your son. You’re meant to be helping me.” I know I’m being irrational, but the image of them barely dressed at their front door is burned into my eyes.
“I am, I am. But Lauren’s—”
“Lauren’s what? More important?”
“No, no. She’s like a daughter to me, Ben. Over the past six years we’ve become close. I don’t want to see her hurt either.”
“So it’s okay for me to be the one hurt? This is fucking bullshit. I knew coming back here was a bad idea. I’m done.” Storming past Mum, I knock into her shoulder and she stumbles back into the door.
“Ben, please,” she wails. “You can’t leave. What about your stuff?”
“I left with nothing once before. I can do it again.
”
The sound of her cries hardly filters through the anger racing around my body as I storm from the house and jump in my car.
The roar of the engine does little to settle me, but the knowledge that I’m escaping helps a little. Running is probably the coward’s way out, but right now I don’t really give a fuck.
I drive around the city for the longest time, taking in the sights I grew up with as my anger slowly starts to simmer down. I intend on this being the last time I’m here for the foreseeable future. Once I’ve had my fill, I head towards the motorway that will take me home.
The ringing of my phone cuts through the silence in the car.
Erica’s name flashes on the dashboard. I want to ignore it, but at the last minute my thumb hits the accept button.
“Ben, are you there?” she asks after a few seconds of silence.
“Yeah.”
“Is everything okay? You sound weird.”
“I’m leaving.”
“You’re what?” she shouts, the volume making me jump and swerve the car. “You can’t leave. What’s happened?”
Looking up, I spot a sign for a place I haven’t been in a really, really long time. “Hang on, I’m just pulling over.”
Bringing the car to a stop in the almost deserted car park, I rest my head back.
“It’s over, Erica. I was stupid to think I could turn up here and everything would just fall into place. I’m not needed here anymore.”
“Stop talking shit, of course you’re needed. I need you. I know I don’t deserve it after what I did, but I need your help fixing everything I’ve done wrong. Your mum needs you. You’ve no idea how hard it’s been for her without you. And she might not show it, but Lauren needs you. She—”
“She’s got him. She said it herself, she’s moved on.”
“Do you truly believe that, Ben?”
After tonight, I want to say yes, but then I think about the small amount of time we’ve spend together over the last few days. The look in her eyes as she gazed up at me, the gentleness of her touch, her genuine smile when I caught her off guard. “I don’t know,” I admit quietly.
“I never thought you were the kind of guy who’d run the moment things got hard. I always thought you’d fight for what you really wanted, especially now you’ve got this second chance.”
My lips press into a thin line as her words hit exactly where she intended.
“You’ll regret leaving like this, and you know it.”
“I…I need to go.” I force the words out through the lump in my throat and hang up. She’s right; I would regret not knowing what could have been, but does that mean I’ve got the strength to stay and fight this out?
With my eyes tightly shut, I blow a long stream of air past my lips. Everything that’s happened in the last few days plays out like a movie in my mind. The arguments, the sorrow, the desire, the despair. Lauren’s face as she asked me to just lie with her the other night when she was so lost. Mum’s haunted eyes when she learnt the truth about her late husband. Can I walk away right now knowing how much they’re both hurting? Even if I caused some of it?
My thoughts are warring in my head as I push the door open and head out into the late summer evening. The sun’s just starting to set, casting everything in a soft orange glow. It almost makes this place look inviting.
I pass a couple of other people on the way, but no one pays me any attention, all too consumed by their own grief.
I’ve only been here once before, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know exactly where he is. I might have just been a kid, but every second of that devastating day is etched into my mind.
Mum tried convincing me to come here in the months after we lost him, but I always refused, not really understanding how standing and staring at a headstone could possibly help me.
As I come to stand in front of the place we laid my dad to rest twelve years ago, the same emptiness engulfs me like the first time I was standing in this exact place. I don’t think I’ll ever really come to terms with losing him the way I did.
Dad was my best friend, my hero, my idol. He was there playing football with me in the back garden one day, and then the next I was forced to say my final goodbye to him.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to find a bunch of fresh flowers placed next to his headstone. I knew Mum used to come here on a weekly basis, but I kind of assumed that had stopped after marrying Nick. I guess I was wrong. It’s not unusual these days.
Sitting myself on the patch of grass in front of the stone, I think back over my memories with Dad. All of them are happy. I can’t help but wonder how my life might be different right now if he hadn’t passed so early.
I probably wouldn’t have met Lauren.
My breath catches as the thought really hits me. Lauren has been by far the best thing that ever happened to me. Our story might be full of pain and heartache, but still, she gave me something that I’ve not found anywhere else. She showed me what love really is and why it’s worth risking everything for.
My fists clench as what I was about to walk away from really hits me. If I leave now, all of our past is for nothing. If I walk away now, then it’s my choice. I’m the one putting the final nail in the coffin where our relationship is concerned. What we had all those years ago is worth more than me walking away.
Standing, a new lease of determination runs through me.
I’ve dealt with worse than this.
I’ve perfected the skill of pulling on a mask to get through the hard times, and if I have to revert to old tactics as I wait Lauren out, then I will.
I can put Ben and all his feelings back inside the box he’s been shoved in for the past six years.
It’s time for London to meet BJ.
Chapter Two
Lauren
“See, I told you this was a good idea,” Joe says as we walk toward the entrance of Sixty4, our go-to bar a couple of streets away.
Once my tears started to dry up, Joe announced that we were going out for cocktails. To say I wasn’t really in the mood was an understatement, but he was insistent that I would feel better for it.
I hate to admit it, but with a ton of concealer around my eyes, my favourite dress and my cute peep-toe heels, I do feel just a little bit better.
Someone waving from just inside the door catches my eye, and my face splits into a wide smile when I find Danni, my best friend, waiting for me.
“I thought you had loads of uni work to do?” I say, throwing my arms around her shoulders.
“I do, but Joe said you needed to get out of the house. Is everything okay?”
Joe pipes up before I get a chance. I’m grateful because I don’t really want to think about what happened tonight, let alone talk about it. “Ben’s just being a little overbearing.”
The image of him standing at our front door earlier has my eyes stinging, but thankfully no tears come. I think I’ve probably run out.
“What are we waiting for then? Let’s get a drink down us.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, terrified of breaking down while surrounded by strangers.
“It’s two-for-one night.” With my arms linked with my friends, they drag me towards the bar and order our first drinks.
The alcohol and the sweetness of the fruit juice definitely does help to cheer me up a little, but at no point does the image of his devastated face leave me. I swear it’s going to be there forever, always making me wonder if I made the worst decision of my life by sending him away.
“Earth to Lauren,” Joe sings, waving a fresh vodka martini in front of me.
“Sorry,” I mutter. I hate the sympathetic eyes I get from both of them, but I’ve no idea how to attempt to convince them that I’m fine.
“So, any guys taking your fancy?” I ask Danni, trying to take the heat off me and my disastrous love life.
She glances around briefly before turning back and shaking her head. “Is your dry spell that bad?” Joe asks before Danni launches into exp
laining the handful of disastrous dates she’s been on recently. I totally zone out, and it’s not until my phone starts vibrating in my bag that I come back to myself.
“If that’s him, don’t answer,” Joe warns when he sees me pull my phone out.
“It’s not. I’m sorry,” I say, excusing myself when I see Jenny’s name on the screen. I know I should probably ignore her for the night as well, but I can’t. She seems to be coping with everything better now that Ben’s here, but I still worry about her.
“Hello.”
“Hello. Lauren? Are you there? Hello?” I walk to the bar entrance as fast as I can so she can hear me over the commotion behind me.
“Yeah, I’m here. Sorry, I’m out with friends.”
“Oh…uh…sorry, I’ll leave you, then.”
The sadness in her tone has me encouraging her to talk. “No, it’s fine. What’s up?”
“It’s…Ben.”
All the air rushes from my lungs. Of course it bloody is.
“What about him?”
“I told him that I’d warned you he was coming. He was furious.”
“Right?”
“He left. I think he’s really gone this time, and it’s all m-my f-fault,” she sobs.
I bite back the response that’s on the tip of my tongue, because the guilt I feel for being responsible fills me.
“I can’t lose him again, Lauren. I can’t. He’s all I’ve got.” Her sobs get louder, and the words are out of my mouth before I’ve really considered the consequences.
“I’ll find him.”
Jenny might not be my mum, but living in her house for the past six years meant that we’d bonded and I’d do almost anything to ensure that she’s happy. It’s more than my dad did for her in the years they were together.
Fighting for the Forbidden: Forbidden Series #3 Page 1
