“Lauren,” Jenny breathes, racing over and helping me towards one of the chairs next to Ben’s bed.
“I don’t think I can do this. I don’t think I can do this,” I chant as she lowers me down.
“Yes you can. You can do this because Ben needs you to.” Her voice is strong and steady and shows me that she’s more capable in a crisis that I think I ever gave her credit for. I never realised how smothered she was by Dad, but it’s only in the days since he’s been gone that I’m starting to see the real woman that was hiding behind his control.
“He’s quite heavily sedated, but you can talk to him. Hearing your voices might help,” the doctor says from the corner of the room.
Once Jenny’s happy that I’m okay, she turns to her son.
“Ben, baby, Lauren and I are here. Everything’s going to be okay.”
A sob erupts from my throat at her words. Standing, I turn to leave. I’m not strong enough for this.
“Lauren, he needs you.” Jenny’s words stop my progress to the door. “If you still care about him at all, you won’t walk out that door.”
Like a movie, images of our time together play out in my mind. The fun we had before he was ripped away from me. I remember the way he used to look at me with such awe in his eyes, the gentleness of his touch, his thoughtfulness. But then I’m once again filled with the emptiness that almost engulfed me when he left, and the anger from knowing what he was doing last night while I was breaking once again.
Letting out a sigh, I know what I need to do. This isn’t about me and my fears or anger. This is about Ben and his fight.
Turning back, I take the seat closest to him and slide my hand into his. The callus that used to feel rough against my skin is gone, reminding me that I’ve no idea what he’s been doing for work—or anything, really—since he’s been gone.
Jenny nods, and a very small smile quirks the corner of her lips. She moves the second chair to his other side, and I sit in silence as she talks nonsense to him.
“We should probably let the others know what’s going on.”
“I’ll go. You should stay with him. When he wakes, you’re the one he’s going to want.”
“No, I—” One look from Jenny and all arguments leave me.
Leaning forward, she presses a kiss to Ben’s forehead and silently leaves the room. The only sounds are that of the machines Ben’s hooked up to and my racing heart.
My head’s such a mess that I have no clue what I should be feeling right now. He threw me for a loop with his reappearance, but I never expected any of it to be this hard. I really thought Ben had gone for good, and when I got the call to tell me that Dad had passed away, I pushed any thoughts of him reappearing to the back of my mind.
The changes in him were obvious: his hair had gone, his muscles had grown and his tattoos were everywhere. I didn’t stand a chance with his good looks all those years ago, and I knew if he was sticking around that I was going to have a fight on my hands. It’s not just what’s on the outside though, and I can try to convince myself that it is until I’m blue in the face. There’s something inside him that just calls to me on a level I’ve never experienced with anyone else. Six years might have passed, but when he stared at me that first day, that feeling, that connection…it was still there, and it was stronger than ever.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this scared. I barely made it through the heartache of him leaving before. I know for a fact that, if I open my heart to him again, I will not survive the consequences when he changes his mind.
I stare down at my hand in his as I think about everything that’s happened since he reappeared…all the mistakes I’ve made. I told myself that I wouldn’t go there again, that I wouldn’t allow him to touch me, but I did. I broke every single fucking rule I made when he walked out of my life. I broke every fucking promise I made to Joe, and I can see his disappointment every time I look into his eyes. As angry as I am at him for breaking down the barriers I’d put up, I’m angrier at myself. I never thought of myself as weak, but knowing now how quickly I caved to him makes me think that I just might be.
That’s why it won’t happen again. I need to think about myself and my future. I want one where I’m not constantly either nursing the broken heart he’s so good at leaving me with, or wondering if today’s the day that he’s going to leave again. I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who loves and protects me the way he promised all those years ago.
“You promised,” I sob, my emotions getting the better of me. “You promised that, no matter what, you’d protect me. But you walked away and caused me more pain than anyone else had the power to cause. I fucking loved you, Ben, with all my heart, and you just stomped all over it like it meant nothing to you.” Dropping my head into my hands, I continue to cry for everything I’ve lost.
Now knowing he left because of my dad doesn’t make any of it any better. Ben didn’t have to do what he was told. He could have stayed and fought, but he chose to follow orders and leave.
Sitting back when my tears have subsided, I refuse to look at him. I’m angry with him for so much that I don’t even know which bit to start analysing. All I know is that, right now, I love and hate him in equal measures. No matter how much I might want to walk out that door right now, I can’t. I can’t leave him here to fight this alone.
I tell myself that I’ll stay by his side until he’s pulled through, but then I’m gone, and whatever there might be between us is done. I can walk away knowing that he’s okay, and I can properly make a fresh start this time.
Chapter Five
Ben
Whispered voices fill my mind, but I can’t make out who they belong to or even what they’re saying.
I fight to open my eyes, to find out where I am, but it’s like I’m in a dream and everything’s just out of reach. Like I’m running towards a never-ending goal.
Just when the voices start to sound familiar somehow, everything goes black again.
The next time I hear something, it’s just one soft and familiar voice…but although it’s soft, there’s unmistakable anger within it.
What’s going on? Where am I?
I fight to focus, to hear just a couple of the words that are being said, but everything’s a haze. Before long, everything’s gone again.
“You should go home and get some rest. It’s been almost twenty-four hours.” It’s the first time I’ve heard a voice I haven’t recognised. Panic starts to build, not knowing where I am or what’s going on, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t open my damn eyes.
“No, I want to be here just in case.” My heart jumps. That’s Lauren. Wherever I am, she’s here.
“He’s going to be fine. The MRI showed very little swelling. It’s just a case of waiting for him to wake up.”
I want to tell them that I’m here, that I’m awake, but I can’t force my throat to work, and I can’t feel my limbs move.
“Once he’s awake, I’ll leave.”
No, I try to scream but nothing happens. I don’t want her to leave. She’s exactly where she should be. I just need to tell her.
Then, everything’s gone once again.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” That’s Mum’s voice. I’d know it anywhere.
“Yes. I just need a break, Jenny. This week has been…” Lauren trails off. This week has been what? What am I missing?
“I know, sweetheart, but he’s going to need you when he wakes up.”
“He’ll be fine. The doctors have said so.”
“Lauren, don’t be like that.”
“Like what? He made it very clear that he doesn’t need me. He’s coped for the last six years, so I’m sure he’ll be fine after this.”
Mum sighs but she doesn’t say any more, and everything falls silent.
* * *
“Have you booked it? Awesome. What time’s the flight? Heathrow? Can you forward me the details?” It takes a while, but I figure Lauren must be on the phone. “Yeah, th
ey’re going to wake him up if he hasn’t already. Yeah, it’ll be fine. Yes, I’m sure.” Frustration starts to fill her voice at whatever the person she’s talking to is saying. “Yeah. Okay. Yeah. See you soon, bye.”
Lauren groans before the side of the bed dips. “Why is this so hard?” she complains. I’m desperate to do something to make it better for her.
Then, the most incredible thing happens. Tingles run up my arm as she slips her hand into mine. If I were able to, I might cry with delight, but it seems my body is still utterly useless.
I put everything I have into it, and eventually I swear my fingers move.
“Ben? Ben, can you hear me?” I’m so desperate to reply, but nothing happens. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.” The effort it takes just to move my fingers is exhausting, but I manage it. “Oh my god, you can.” She’s silent for a few seconds before she speaks again, and as glad as I am to hear her voice, the words aren’t what I’d like.
“This is fucking karma for all the bullshit you’ve caused. You know that, right? Do you have any idea what you’ve put us through? Maybe you should have left the other day. You might have made it easier on all of us.”
I’ve no clue what she’s talking about, and I rack my brain for memories, but there’s nothing there. No reason why I might be lying here like a fucking vegetable with her shouting at me.
I’ve no idea if she says any more, because I fade away again.
“I swear he could hear me. He squeezed my hand,” Lauren explains.
“It could still be hours yet. Please, come home, sweets.” The sound of Joe’s voice brings a memory of us to the surface. We were outside somewhere, and I was getting in his face. I remember being angry and wanting nothing more than to wipe the smirk off his face.
“Not until he wakes.”
“You do know that if he wakes up with you here, he’s going to get the wrong idea? Do you really want to encourage him after you only just got rid of him?”
He really thinks their little stunt was enough for me to forget about Lauren?
As they continue bickering, more and more of my body starts to come back to me. Being able to wiggle my toes is the best feeling in the world after being numb for fuck knows how long.
Her hand is in mine once again, and my lips threaten to break into a smile. I bet Joe’s fucking pissed with his girl sitting beside my bed and holding my hand.
“I told Jenny I would get you to leave and at least have a shower.”
“How many times? I’m not leaving until he’s awake.”
“Fine. Well…call me if you need anything.”
“I will.” The sound of him giving her a kiss has every muscle in my body tightening, but then the door shuts and silence descends.
“Ben, come on.” She sounds exhausted. “It’s time for you to wake up, baby.” Warmth fills my insides. “Let me see those beautiful blue eyes. Show me that you’re okay.” Her words are sincere.
I give it everything I’ve got, and eventually I manage to drag my eyelids open so just the tiniest bit of light seeps in.
“Oh my god. Ben? Ben, come on, baby, look at me.”
The light is so bright that my eyes start running the moment I manage to open them further. I want to see her more than anything, but right now she’s just a blur of blonde hair.
“Can you see me?”
I manage to shake my head slightly and, after blinking a few times, my vision clears and I’m blessed with the most incredible sight.
Lauren.
She might look pale and exhausted, but I don’t care because she’s right here.
I stare at her, taking in every feature and committing it to memory just in case my eyes don’t work again.
I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. It’s like I’ve been on a week-long bender with how dry it is. Although, to be fair, my head hurts pretty bad so maybe that’s what happened. Did I drink myself into oblivion?
The warmth of her palm against my rough cheek feels like heaven. “It’s okay. I’m here. My god, it’s so good to be able to look into your eyes.” The relief she’s feeling is evident in her voice, and it makes me think that maybe this isn’t the hangover from hell. She genuinely looks terrified. “What do you need? Can I get you anything?” I try to speak again to tell her that that she’s the only thing I need, but it doesn’t work.
“Here, sip this.” A straw is placed between my lips and I manage to sip a little water. It does the trick, because I can swallow again.
“W-where am I?” It comes out as a hoarse whisper, but at least it came out.
“In the hospital.” Her voice has lost the concern that was there only moments ago. It’s hard, like I remember from when she was talking to Mum.
“Why?”
“Because you reappeared and turned everything to shit,” she snaps. “What the fuck were you thinking, going after Joe like that? He’s done nothing to you. He didn’t deserve that. I’m so fucking mad at you,” she fumes, getting up and pacing the room. I’m a little whiplashed from her sudden mood change.
“You just turn up and flip my world upside down. Do you have any idea how long it took me to get my life back on track after you left? No, how could you, because you just fucked off without looking back. You were a fucking pussy, you know that? One little threat and you fucking ran. I thought I meant more to you than that. I thought you loved me. I sure as shit know I did you.
“Look what good that did me.” She throws her arms up as she continues pacing.
I watch her every move, more confused than ever.
“I said I’d stay until you were awake.” She grabs her jacket from the chair, and I panic.
“No. No, please, don’t go.” I’m fucking exhausted but that doesn’t mean I won’t do whatever it takes to make her stay with me right now. “Please, Lauren.” My exhaustion and emotions collide and my eyes fill with tears. I should be embarrassed about the fact that I’m about five seconds away from crying like a baby, but I don’t give a fuck. Lauren is the one person on the planet I can truly be myself with, and if that means she sees me at my worst right now, then so be it. “Please.” It comes out as a whisper this time, and it’s enough to stop her.
She turns her tired eyes on me, and the sight is enough for guilt to flow through me at asking her to do this. What everyone else has been saying to her has been right. She needs to rest.
She stares at me for two seconds before she steps forward. I breathe a sigh of relief as she gently sits on the edge of my bed and takes my hand in hers.
“I’m…I’m sorry. That was…uncalled for. I was just so scared, Ben. I thought I was going to lose you. We had no idea if you were dead or alive, and I just couldn’t even imagine what I would do if—”
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m okay.”
“And then Joe told me what happened, and I was so mad at you.” My previous elation over her concern is clouded by confusion. “What did I do?”
“You don’t remember?”
My eyelids get heavier and heavier as we stare at each other, and eventually I lose the fight. Everything goes black, and I’ve no idea if she stays or goes.
* * *
When I come back around, I feel much more normal. I mean, my head pounds like a motherfucker, my throat’s dry once again, and every muscle in my body aches, but I can open my eyes, feel every limb, and more importantly, I can move. A little sliver of positivity creeps in. Well, that is, until I look to the chair beside my bed and find it empty.
She’s gone.
I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s what I deserve after what I’ve put her through, but I still hoped that she’d be here.
“Ah, he’s awake,” Mum says, walking in with a coffee.
“Where’s Lauren?”
“Nice to see you too, son. You gave us quite a fright there.”
“Where is she?”
“She’s having some well deserved time to herself. She’s been sitting by your side for the last twenty-four hours.”
I’ve been out for twenty-four hours? I push the thought aside, because that isn’t important right now. What is important is the fact that despite telling me she hates me and rubbing Joe in my face, she sat here with me the whole time.
“I need to find her.”
Relief floods me when I go to swing my legs from the bed and they actually follow instruction. That is, until the searing pain from my ribs stops any further movement. I suck in a sharp breath. The agony is the only thing I can focus on, and its ferocity has tears stinging my eyes. “Fuck.”
“Ben, you’re in hospital. You can’t just get up and walk out.”
“Watch me,” I wince through the pain.
“Ben, please. You need to be checked over before you do anything stupid.”
“I’m fine,” I lie. Moving right now is the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done, but my need to get to Lauren is stronger. I go to move my hand to rip the cannula out, but my arm’s heavy as fuck. When I look down, I understand why. It’s wrapped in a solid white cast. Jesus, how much of me is broken?
“Ah, Mr. Johnson, it’s nice to see you awake.” A nurse and doctor come strolling in, looking delighted to see me. “Going somewhere?” the doctor asks, concern in his eyes.
“Yes. I need to see someone.”
“How about we do our tests first, hey?”
“I haven’t got ti—”
“Ben,” Mum snaps. That, along with the looks in both the nurse and doctor’s eyes, means I take a step back and sit on the edge of the bed.
“Just make it quick.”
I watch the clock tick around as they check everything that needs checking and poke and prod me until they’re happy with my progress. I told them I was fine and just needed some painkillers, but they wouldn’t have it.
Fighting for the Forbidden: Forbidden Series #3 Page 4
