“Dylan, you have no fucking idea.” He moaned a line of cruse words sending me over the edge at the exact moment he emptied his seeds deep inside me.
He sat up and snaked his arms around my waist. His cock was still buried deep inside of me. “The only guilt I have is not going that night to collect our money. Than no one would have hurt you and I could’ve had my Privy every day for the last five years. Married you, loved you, and never let you know pain again.”
“Huh,” I muttered, still somewhat dazed, and confused.
He lifted my body off of him causing him to slip out of me. I cringed at the emptiness I was left with. He tucked me under his arm and started to play with my fingers that laid over his breastbone. “I was the one dad sent to collect that night. I had a date and was tired of dad pushing me around. I can’t even remember her name. Hell, I can’t even remember what she looked like. I was the one that sent Jamie to your house. I knew he was a sick bastard and didn’t care. I had better things to do than worry about a few thousand dollars or who he hurt to get it.” He clutched my upper arm. “I’ve tried making it up to you. I can’t take back the past. Fuck, I want too. I want to be the one that went that night. I would have taken you away from there. I would have taken care of you, loved you, by now I would have married you. But mostly, you would have never known that pain. I did cause your pain. My beautiful Dylan suffered because I’m a selfish ass. That is a guilt I’ll never stow. I won’t ask for your forgiveness, because I don’t deserve it.”
I gripped his hip in a tight grasp. I wasn’t holding onto him because I wanted to, but because I needed to. Did Ethan really fall in love with me or was all this because he held himself responsible for that crumpled girl he found out in that field? I wouldn’t allow myself to be with someone that was there out of guilt.
“Do you love me or pity me? I don’t need any more pity in this life.”
“Pity you. Fuck, I admire you. I have never wanted anything like I want you. Yes, the guilt I have over that night is crippling, but that is not why I love you, babe. You’re my peace. Hell to think about not having you is equivalent to dying. You’re my lifeline.”
I couldn’t take another lie. Every day, I woke up thinking the lies were over. Each day bought on a whole new stream of lies. I never wanted to discover another lie. I clung onto him for support. I was panicked because I knew what I had to do. Protect whatever was left of my fragile heart. My body was completely numb. I couldn’t move or even take deep breaths. I had to hold it together until I got home.
“Dylan,” Ethan’s voice sounded far away. “Don’t go there.”
I wasn’t. I had never been more in the present than at that moment. “I want to go home. Please E, just take me home.”
Monday, November 24, 2014
1:36 am the end of an era
It was three days from Thanksgiving. It dawned on me that it would be one less holiday I could celebrate. The loss of Ethan was as pronounced as the loss of my dad.
“We’re home, Privy.” Ethan finally broke the silence between us. He tried talking to me on the long ride home, but I was in no shape to talk. I was about to leave the only man I could ever love. The man that tried to have me killed. A man that beats other women for his own pleasure. The man who sent my biggest nightmare to my door. A man that has told me nothing but lies. He said he tried staying away. Well, now, I would push him away.
“Talk to me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t know how.” He said, never looking my way.
No, making me feel whole he had down. Making love to me was his specialty. Making me feel significant, he could handle. But telling me the truth was the one thing he didn’t know how to do. I couldn’t take much more in my life.
He climbed out of the truck and slowly walked around to my side of the cab. I wouldn’t allow myself to sit by him the whole drive home. Knowing, I would never truly be his. That I would no longer be awoken by his kisses was all too much. What we shared was dirty. All we ever had between us was a lie. His eyes appeared to be drinking me in as he rounded around the front of the truck. I wouldn’t feel for him. He was the one who had lied. I told him who I was from the beginning. But then again, he already knew who I was.
“I love you,” he said as he helped me from the truck.
He never loved me. I was the one person he felt like he failed. The innocent girl that hurt because he was too self-absorbed to care. He had tried to make his mends, but in doing so, he finished the job of destroying me. He leaned into me. His nose tapped against mine. He curled my hands around his neck. No matter what, I would always love him. No one else would ever matter to me but Ethan Asher.
“Fuck, babe, I can’t stand this. This is why I could never bring myself to tell you. I can’t handle you knowing how I hurt you.”
I let my hand slip down his arm and grabbed his hand. “Come on,” I said, trying hard not to cry.
I led him in the house. The extent of the pain I was feeling was excruciating. We entered into his living room. He yanked my hand, spinning me around and into his arms. “I won’t ask you to forgive me. Because I don’t deserve forgiveness. Hell, I don’t deserve you, but there is nothing I want more. When Devon called me, I had just finished flogging and fucking whoever that girl was. I was pissed that he was even bothering me. I was the youngest. I was supposed to have been the fuck-up. But no, I was the one who had to clean up after everyone else. I was ready to kill Jamie, Devon, hell you when I got out there. I don’t know if it was the hair, the sound of your voice, or for the fact you grabbed my ankle begging for help. Whatever it was, I was immediately fascinated by you. I didn’t want to be. Shit, I hated you for it. You were going to screw up everything. But even if it did fuck up everything I knew, I was going to save you.” His eyes closed.
“I gripped your ankle?”
I counted each breath he took in, 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8. His eyes popped open. “Yeah, I bent down to see how bad you were hurt. You begged me not to hurt you and grabbed my ankle. You were this instant calming force like I’ve never felt before. God, it felt so good to be near you. It felt right. You told me that I made you feel whole. Sweetie, your touch healed me. Every time I was near you, everything I learned about you, every time I heard your voice the fascination grew. Babe, I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t, but damn, I can’t help it. I love you with everything in me.”
I willed myself not to cry. Hell, I didn’t want to hear all this. It hurt bad enough as it was, but if Ethan needed to tell me this crap then I would listen even if it completely destroyed me.
“The night you told me about your daddy dying, you ripped my fucking heart out. You owned me after that. There was no going back. I was going to find a way to have you. I wanted you to feel as special as you are. I wanted to ease the pain you have in you. The pain I help put there. I hate myself for everything that I caused you to go through. The guilt has eaten me alive the last five years. I wanted to give you the world. I still do. I’m completely wrapped up in you.” His voice broke. “I can’t lose you, Dylan. I can’t imagine my world without you in it, now. Please, Privy don’t leave me.” His eyes were wet with unshed tears.
Ethan had stolen my heart and destroyed it. I couldn’t let him tug at me like that again. There was no other choice but to leave. We were tainted. “Ethan, I’m not running. There is no coming back. I’m leaving for good. I can’t take any more pain. Your brother hurt me, you destroyed me.”
His arms wrapped around me. I slung my arms to escape. I no longer wanted his hands on me. All he was capable of was lying. My heart couldn’t take another lie.
“Please don’t leave me, Privy. I will never hide anything from you again.”
Ethan was the epitome of desperation. I could no longer acknowledge him. The lies would have never ended. He was pale and his eyes were bloodshot. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t stand the fact he was hurting too. I loved him. I never wanted him to hurt but I couldn’t take anymore.
“You can’t le
ave me,” he pleaded. A lone tear ran down his face. He combed both hands through his hair as he hung his head. He didn’t say anything there was nothing left to say. My fragile soul shattered from his defeat.
The pain was indescribable, it hurt everywhere; physically, mentally, emotionally; it burnt through my veins. I would never be able to love another like him. He was the first man I ever loved. The only man I could’ve ever willingly slept with. I clutch my stomach as a pain sliced through me. The levees burst but the well was dry. The pain was too much even to summon tears.
He dropped to his knees. “No,” he screamed as a howl rocked his body. “Don’t leave me. I will love you enough for the both of us.”
The hardest damn thing in the world is giving up when you know you are giving up on everything you have ever wanted. Deep down it hit me that the physical pain of the attack had nothing on this, nothing compared to the devastation of losing everything that mattered. I was once again the little girl who had lost her daddy. There was nothing left but to walk away. But first, I couldn’t walk away until I gave Ethan what was left of my heart.
I knelt down beside him. The expression on his face could only be described as perplexed. I stroked my hand over his hair, feeling each strand of his blond curls under my touch. He wiped the tears from my face. I kissed his away. Ethan caressed my face and pulled back from my kiss.
“What are you doing?”
I stood up and without a word started to undress. He didn’t move as I pushed down my pants and stepped out of them.
“Privy,” he said and shook his head. “What are you doing?”
“I’m not one of your girls at the club, but if you ever loved me at all make love to me.”
His clothes went flying through the room faster than I could free myself from mine. He slammed into me and picked me up. “I don’t want them. I don’t want anybody but you. And don’t you ever doubt I love you.”
He threw me on the couch and lowered his body over mine. Ethan was as broken as I was. I had hoped we could heal each other, but that was a task too big for the both of us. Ethan ran his hands over my body. My body convulsed at the thought that I would never feel his hands on me again. He nipped at my lower lip with his teeth before kissing me.
He kissed a trail down my body and ran his tongue over my inner folds. I pulled at him, not wanting him down there. “Please, Privy, let me taste you.” His eyes closed. “Please.” He looked back up at me with a fire burning in him.
I shook my head back and forth trying to force the tears back in my eyes. I couldn’t give that to him. I thought back to just a few days ago when I first took him in my mouth. I would never get to experience that again. I couldn’t bear to see him between my legs. My heart sure couldn’t bear to feel it.
He made his way back up my breast, rolling his tongue over the harden nipples only fueling the fire in me. Keeping his hands on each breast, he overtook my lips. His kiss had an extra softness to it. He knew this was goodbye and didn’t want to rush it. He was kissing me goodbye. Goodbye to a normal life, goodbye to feeling safe, goodbye to Ethan and Dylan forever.
“E, please, I need you inside of me.” I wanted him so much I could feel him before he even touched me.
There was nowhere on my body that Ethan didn’t touch. I wanted to memorize his touch. I wanted to brand the feel of him on my soul. He took my breast in his mouth. “I love you so fucking much, Dylan, always know that is the truth.”
Did Ethan even know what the truth was? He positioned himself at my entrance. I couldn’t take any more chances. We had played chicken too many times already having unprotected sex without me being on the pill. “E, you need a condom.”
I twisted my head to face the back of the couch. I couldn’t handle seeing his eyes. I heard him rustling in his pants, the tear of the foil, and groan as he slid the condom down over his cock. It was not the feel of the condom that made him moan, but the realization that this time was different. I never wanted one before.
Ethan caressed my legs with the lightest of touch and then slowly pushed them apart. His eyes were brimming with tears as he slid inside of me. The invasion was welcomed. I was healed when I was connected to Ethan.
He started rocking inside of me. His eyes never left mine. I wanted to reach up and wipe the tears away, but I only gripped onto his arms tighter. With each thrust, the realization that this was it hit us both. He did love me, but it was too late. I couldn’t live with all the lies anymore. Sarah said all you needed was love. Sarah was wrong. You needed trust more.
I locked my legs around his waist. His tears fell down my skin as he pressed a kiss against my neck. I couldn’t hold back any longer. I brushed my lips over his. “I love you, and only you. It will never be another.” I whispered.
I clung to him as he screamed out in pain, in love, in lust. He pumped inside of me three more times before going completely still.
“Don’t. We need each other. I need you.” He pleaded.
I looked out over his living room, knowing I would never see it again. He had placed a picture of me on his coffee table. I let my legs and arms fall to the cushions on the couch. I no longer made contact with his body.
“Bye, E. I just want to go home.”
“You are home. Your home is with me.”
I clutched my stomach. It was all too much, the life I wanted with him was a life I couldn’t have. I rose up on my arms and kissed his lips. “Good bye, E.”
I rolled out from under him. He watched in silence as I dressed. I felt like I was about to crumble under his glare. Why did goodbyes have to hurt so badly?
“I will give you anything you want, but a goodbye. I will never tell you goodbye.” He stated.
The pain was too much. I dropped my gaze from his and made a dash to my car. I unlocked the door and crawled in. For the first time in my life, I was unable to go numb. The enormity of what I did couldn’t be dimmed. What have I done? Fuck, I left him.
Epilogue
Ethan
Hell, I will send her orange primroses everyday if it means I can have her back.
I’d tried forgetting her in the past, but now that I’ve touched her, held her, hell, tasted her. I was positive I would never get over her. My heart froze. The emptiness in her eyes would haunt me every day for the rest of my fucking life. I no longer cared who I hurt. I could have never brought the amount of pain my heart suffered when I lost her. I’d spent the last five years hating my brother for hurting her, and I was the ass that finally broke her. I didn’t deserve her. Hell, I was bad for her, but I’d be damned if I let her go without a fight.
March 2, 2015
It had been the longest three months of my life. She wouldn’t return my calls. My texts were left unread. I had sent enough flowers for her to open her own flower shop. Nothing I could have done would have won her back. I had lost my beautiful Dylan forever. That was why I still couldn’t believe my luck when I read the text from her.
Hey, it’s me
Can you meet me at the Pier Tonight?
Say around six.
Hey, me
I will meet you anywhere.
I will be there at 5:30
Hell, yeah, I would have met her any damn where she wanted. I would have done anything just to be able to hold her again.
I’d waited for an hour already when I felt a small hand on my back causing my heart to leap in my throat. I flipped my head around to see not her, but Sarah. Shit, she couldn’t face me and sent a ringer in the form of her overprotective roommate.
Innocent Lies Page 19
