by Anne Bennett
‘You were snooping around …’
‘My dear girl,’ Ben protested, ‘I was not snooping. I’m over here on business, and knowing the field I specialise in, Phillip advised me to ring this chap Trimble who he’s got to know through the row he’s drummed up with his series in his newspaper. He said we could compare notes, and to ring to make an appointment. Travers just happened to be on the same page.’
‘Does Ruth know you’re here?’
‘I didn’t tell her I was coming over, no,’ Ben said, and added, ‘Look, are we going to carry on this conversation on the landing all evening, or can I come in?’
‘I don’t want you here,’ Janet burst out. ‘Go away, you’ve no right to ask.’
‘I have news of Claire,’ Ben told her. ‘That’s what brought me over to England earlier than I intended, but I was coming anyway this year. Didn’t Ruth mention it?’
‘No, she didn’t. Do you think we spend the limited time we have together discussing you?’ Janet snapped contemptuously, but she stepped aside because she wanted to know about Claire, and Ben crossed into the room.
Once inside, Ben said nothing at first, but stood surveying the flat. ‘This is nice,’ he said at last, appreciatively, and then he walked across the room and sat on the settee.
‘Yes, very nice,’ he said. ‘You’ve done well, Janet. I know you teach. Ruth used to tell me snippets about you in her letters.’
‘I don’t know why on earth she should,’ she said.
‘I asked, that’s why.’
‘I can’t see the fascination of knowing about my life,’ Janet said. ‘I have no interest in yours.’
She sat down in the chair next to the settee and Ben reached out and grabbed her hand, and she felt a tingling sensation, similar to when he’d touched her at Chloe’s funeral. She shook his hand away abruptly.
‘Oh, Janet.’
‘Say what you have to say and then go,’ she said.
‘Oh, Janet, don’t let’s be like this,’ Ben said.
‘How did you think we’d be?’ Janet asked. ‘You mean nothing to me now, Ben, you’re just someone from my past. Don’t offend my intelligence by saying you’d like us to remain friends.’
‘Well, why can’t we?’ Ben asked, and went on, ‘God, Janet, you don’t know how often I’ve longed for a friend. I used to be able to tell you anything and everything. Do you remember how we talked together?’
‘You have a wife who should be your friend,’ Janet said icily, ignoring Ben’s question. ‘Try talking to her, she might be interested.’
‘My wife!’ Ben said, and added with contempt, ‘My wife, my dear Janet, has no interest in me. She is, in actual fact, a first-class whore.’
Janet was shocked. ‘That’s a bloody awful thing to say.’
‘It’s a true thing to say.’
‘Even so,’ Janet said angrily. ‘And anyway, why are you telling me? What interest is your marriage to me?’
‘Janet …’
‘You said you had news of Claire,’ Janet reminded him. ‘That’s the only reason I let you in at all, so if you’ve got news, share it. If not, get out.’ She glared at him and said threateningly, ‘If you just said you had news to get in here …’
Ben sighed. ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘No, I wasn’t lying. I have found out where Richard and Claire are. Claire’s been very ill. Apparently she had a complete nervous collapse after the funeral. She refused to accept Chloe’s death.’
Janet nodded. ‘I thought as much,’ she said. ‘Where are they now?’
‘In Canada,’ Ben told her. He handed her a piece of paper. ‘That’s the address.’
‘Why Canada?’ Janet asked. ‘Of all places, why there?’
‘It’s where they were, apparently,’ Ben said. ‘Richard took Claire away for a holiday a couple of weeks after the funeral, thinking she needed a break to help her cope. But only a few days after they arrived she had a nervous breakdown and had to be admitted to the psychiatric wing of the local hospital. As soon as Richard realised that Claire’s condition was serious and that her care would be long term, he called for her mother to come over. She arranged for her house to be sold and the Carters’ house left in an agent’s hands to be let. Richard was very grateful, for he had little money and the hospital bills were mounting. Eventually he accepted a lectureship when it became obvious they’d have to stay in Canada indefinitely.’
‘Why did she contact no one?’ Janet asked. ‘Or if she was too ill, why didn’t Richard or Mary write, or phone?’
Ben shrugged. ‘I think, in the beginning, they were just so worried about Claire’s condition and their energies were concentrated in that area. Later, Claire wouldn’t allow anyone to be told. Not that she could stop Richard or Mary physically, of course, but the doctors warned them not to go against her express wishes. Her mental balance was too precarious.’
‘Oh, poor, poor Claire,’ said Janet with feeling. ‘How is she now?’
‘Pretty good, I believe,’ Ben said. ‘She’s been wanting to contact you for some time, but thought you might be annoyed, not hearing anything from her for years. She was delighted I’d managed to track her down.’
‘Why did you bother?’
‘Ruth asked me to,’ Ben said. ‘I thought I’d caught a glimpse of Richard at a conference and I promised her I’d do all I could to find them. Claire’s all for the book you and Ruth are writing, by the way. I mentioned it to her and she thinks it may help other parents of similarly affected children.’
‘Oh, great,’ Janet said. ‘The first part’s ready and she can read it if she wants. It’s being serialised in Phillip’s paper to start with. If she likes it, Ruth and I can get on with writing the rest.’
‘Yes,’ Ben said.
He made no move to leave and after a couple of minutes’ uncomfortable silence, Janet said sharply, ‘Was that all?’
‘I suppose,’ Ben said, ‘I thought I might be offered a coffee or something.’
Janet gave a hard laugh. ‘I don’t think so,’ she said. ‘In fact, I’d like you to leave now.’
‘God, Janet, you really know how to make a chap feel welcome.’
‘It isn’t my intention to make you feel welcome,’ Janet snapped. ‘You are not in the least welcome and I just want you to go.’
‘I don’t think you really mean that.’
‘I most certainly do.’
Ben leant forward, took Janet’s hand in his and turned it over as if he was examining it. Janet hoped he couldn’t hear her heart thudding in her chest. His touch and his nearness were sending a weakness to her limbs that she fought to control. She tried to snatch her hand from his but he held on tight, stroking it gently between his own, and suddenly she found she had lost all desire to pull away. ‘Oh, Janet,’ Ben said. ‘You can’t know how I’ve longed to see you and tell you how sorry I am about what I did to you. What a bloody fool I was.’ He smiled wryly into Janet’s eyes and went on, ‘There’s nothing between Therese and me any more – never was much, to be honest, just sex.’
Janet made an impatient movement and pulled her hand away. She was cross and didn’t want to hear this, it wasn’t her business. ‘I’m not interested,’ she said. ‘What do you expect me to do?’
‘Nothing, I suppose,’ Ben admitted. ‘It’s just that when I evaluate everything now, I have very little. I’ve lost my wife and son, who now live with the Steinaways, and Papa Steinaway owns the apartment I live in, the car I drive, the nanny who looks after my child. Even though Jacob is mine biologically, the Steinaways will bring him up. He’ll be given everything he wants and end up a spoiled brat like his mother, poor sod. I see little of him, what with the distance we live apart and the demands of work.’ Ben shook his head and said sadly, ‘If I’m honest, I never was any great shakes as a father either. I couldn’t ever seem to get it together with Jacob.’
Janet remembered how life had been for Sally and the twins and suddenly felt sorry for the privileged little boy in high-socie
ty New York who would never know the love of a family like hers. ‘And you want me to listen to this litany of self-pity, do you? she said angrily. ‘I think not. You want me to feel sorry for you? Well, I bloody well won’t. You had free choice and you chose Therese. Now she’s your wife and you don’t like what you have, but that’s just tough. Many people have more to put up with and complain less.’
‘You don’t understand.’
‘No, I don’t,’ Janet yelled, leaping to her feet. ‘I don’t understand how in a few short years you can give up on both your wife and your son and blame everything on your in-laws, who did much to help you in the beginning. Grow up, Ben, for God’s sake!’
‘Okay,’ Ben said with a resigned sigh. ‘But just tell me you forgive me for what I did to you.’ He stood beside Janet, put his hands on her shoulders and looked deep into her eyes. ‘That’s what I really came for, forgiveness.’
‘My forgiveness will hardly change your life,’ Janet objected crossly. She tried in vain to shrug Ben’s hands from her shoulders. Her legs felt suddenly very weak and the expression in Ben’s eyes was unfathomable.
‘It will stop me feeling so disgusted with myself,’ Ben said. ‘Do you think I don’t know that my life has gone downhill from the moment I gave you up in favour of Therese?’
Janet removed Ben’s hands with her own, but then he held on to them as she said impatiently, ‘That’s not my problem, Ben, it’s yours. I’ve recovered from your betrayal and I’ve found someone else; in fact, I’m marrying him in a few months’ time.’
‘Ruth told me,’ Ben said. ‘Do you love him, this man?’
Janet laughed disbelievingly. ‘You really take the biscuit, Ben Hayman. It’s none of your bloody business and I owe you no explanation, but for your information, yes, I love Simon Webster very much.’
She felt Ben tense before her, then he jerked her towards him so quickly she was unable to do anything about it. She felt herself crushed against him. His lips were on hers, and at the sweetness and tenderness of that kiss the memories flooded back. She felt her resolve melting and was glad her arms were pinned by his, because if they hadn’t been, she was sure she would have put them around his neck and held him close. She was aware that she should fight Ben, push him away, make some sort of protest instead of kissing him back with passion, and yet she felt the old longing his kisses had always aroused, stirring within her.
Then Ben released her from the kiss and they stood still, locked together, and stared at each other, slightly breathless, both unable to believe what had happened. Janet could see the raw yearning on Ben’s face and knew that it would be just as apparent on hers. She didn’t struggle in the arms that held her tight against him, and heard his low moan, ‘Oh, Janet.’
The clap was loud, so loud that they jumped apart, and Janet looked in horror at Simon standing in the doorway, slowly applauding the scene in front of him. His face was bright red as he said angrily, ‘A good performance, should get an Oscar for that, and I’d almost believe it was real if it wasn’t for the fact that Janet has agreed to become my wife.’
Simon had been to see his old flatmate and work colleague Kenny, who’d had to move to a smaller, cheaper place when Simon had moved in with Janet. He knew where to find him: the local pub near his new flat, which had become his second home. Kenny was delighted to see Simon. He’d asked him to go for a pint often enough and had always been refused before.
Simon, knowing that Kenny felt the whole female race was flawed, expected a measure of sympathy when he recounted the row he’d had with Janet. But Kenny couldn’t see why Simon wanted to tie himself down to one woman, let alone saddle himself with kids. ‘Love ’em and leave ’em, that’s the way,’ he said. ‘All bitches, women, the lot of them.’
Simon felt sorry for Kenny, knowing him to be a decent bloke who’d been badly hurt. At least Janet isn’t like that, he’d thought. What with her job, her family and now this famous book, she’s little time for me, never mind any other man.
It was as he dragged Kenny off to the snooker table to prevent him from drinking himself senseless that he began to realise that Janet probably had a point. After all, he reasoned, they hadn’t actually lived together for long. Maybe it was sensible to wait a while before they had children. It wasn’t as if they were old or anything either. In this mood, he’d eventually left Kenny and gone home, to be confronted by the sight of his Janet passionately kissing a man he’d never seen before.
Simon couldn’t believe his eyes, and Janet saw the hurt and confusion behind the angry words he was flinging at them. She deserved them, she thought, what had she been thinking of? Dear God, she must have been mad! Shame consumed her as she watched Simon cross the floor towards them.
Simon was restraining himself with difficulty, and a pulse was beating at the side of his head. He’d never felt such anger before. It was like red-hot sparks before his eyes. He had difficulty focusing and was almost too furious to speak.
He wants to hit me, Janet thought, and wished he would, it would make her feel better.
Simon clenched his fists by his sides. For the first time in his life he wanted to hurt Janet, but more than that, he wanted to wipe the silly smirk off the face of the man beside her. ‘Aren’t you going to introduce us, Janet?’ he said. ‘Your friend is obviously someone you know well.’ Janet was silent, her head dropped in shame and he went on, ‘He must have a name, this man you’ve been carrying on with.’
‘Simon, I’m not … I haven’t …’ Janet glanced across at Ben and was horrified to see a sardonic smile on his face. Did he think it was funny? And why the hell didn’t he help her? she thought.
‘Ben, tell Simon we didn’t … I …’
‘Tell him what, Janet?’ Ben said. ‘Tell him we still love each other?’
The blow Simon delivered took him by surprise. It caught him between the eyes with such force, he was almost lifted off his feet. His nose was already spurting blood as he went down, cracking his head on the table with a sickening thud and crumpling in an unconscious heap on the floor.
‘Oh, God,’ cried Janet.
Simon gave only a cursory glance at Ben’s still form before saying to Janet, ‘I’ll leave you to it. You can do your Florence Nightingale act.’
‘Simon, you can’t leave, you might have killed him,’ Janet cried, and as he strode purposefully towards the door, she screamed, ‘Simon, Simon, please!’
The slam of the door nearly took it from its hinges. She ran after him. ‘Simon!’ He continued down the stairs without looking up. It was just as if he didn’t hear her screaming his name. What could she do? How could she run after him to try and make him understand anything, and leave Ben injured, perhaps worse, on her living room floor?
She retraced her steps. Ben hadn’t moved, and the blood from his nose was seeping into the carpet. He tried to open his eyes as she bathed his face and the cut on the back of his head where he’d caught it on the table. A low moan escaped from him. Janet was overcome with guilt, but also angry with Ben. What had possessed him to say what he had? ‘Ben, are you okay? How do you feel?’
‘Bloody awful. Did he hit me with a sledgehammer?’
‘Not quite,’ Janet said. ‘You were a perfect fool to say what you did. What did you think he’d do, congratulate you?’
‘I only said what’s true.’ Janet was prevented from replying by Ben’s moan. ‘Oh, my head,’ he said as he tried to raise it and failed. He opened his eyes and tried to focus on Janet, but couldn’t. ‘I’m seeing two blurred images of you,’ he said with a smile that turned into a grimace of pain.
‘I think I’d better call an ambulance,’ Janet said.
‘No, I’ll be all right after a good night’s sleep.’
‘No, you mustn’t sleep,’ Janet cried. ‘Everyone knows that. You could have concussion or even a fractured skull. You gave your head an awful crack on the table and the cut’s still bleeding. It might need stitches.’
‘Don’t fuss, Janet,’ Ben
said. ‘And I’d like you to know it was worth it, and I don’t blame your bloke. I’d have done the same in his shoes.’
‘Shut up, Ben, I’m phoning for an ambulance. You need to be in hospital,’ Janet said, worried by Ben’s pallor. She was also worried about how she would explain his presence in her flat to everyone – her family and Ruth, for instance – and where Simon was and how the hell she was going to find him.
‘Look,’ Ben said, ‘I am feeling groggy, and I think the hospital is probably a good idea, but not in an ambulance. How d’you think that will look for you? Call a taxi, and when we get to hospital I’ll say I was in a fight and get them to contact Ruth.’
‘And Simon?’
‘For your sake I won’t mention his name,’ Ben said. ‘After all, I’ve won first prize.’
‘Ben …’ Janet said threateningly.
‘You can’t argue with a sick man, darling,’ Ben said weakly, and Janet knew that he was right in a way. Now was not the time to go into it. Ben needed treatment.
She wasn’t sure a taxi was the safest way to take him to hospital, and neither was the cab driver when he arrived, but Ben insisted and the driver said he might as well take him as he was there and that it would be quicker at any rate than waiting for an ambulance.
‘I’d say your young man needs seeing to sharpish, myself,’ he said. Janet didn’t bother saying that Ben wasn’t her young man, but just helped carry him down the stairs to the taxi.
Ben wanted her to just leave him at the hospital, but she waited till she knew he was going to be all right. The head wound did need stitching and the nosebleed was staunched fairly quickly. But there was some concussion and the doctor said they’d keep him in overnight for observation. Much relieved, Janet went home, leaving the hospital to inform Ruth as Ben wanted.
She was so weary she could hardly climb the stairs to the flat. She didn’t know what to do about Simon. It was far too late to look for him, nearly half past one. She went to bed, but lay awake, her eyes prickling with tiredness but the thoughts tumbling round in her head. Images of Ben and Simon filled her brain. She listened to the church clock chime every hour and the dawn chorus as the birds saluted the morning. She got up at seven, feeling like a piece of chewed string, and didn’t know how she’d get through the day.
