I meet Will in the living room. He looks sad and it breaks my heart to add to his pain.
“Hey,” I say as I reach the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey. Thanks for seeing me.” He embraces me and I get emotional at the thought that this could be the last time I feel Will’s arms around me like this. “Layla, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. It just drove me crazy to see his hands on you. The way he looked at me while he was doing it…it was like he was punishing me.”
“Will…he may have gone a little over board, but we asked him to help us make it look like he and I were together. You can’t punch him when he does it. What happens when we go away to school? Are you going to hire bodyguards to keep an eye on me? There might actually be guys that hit on me. You have to trust me to handle myself, but that’s not what bothers me the most.” I’m serious now; intent on making sure he knows what he did.
“I know, and I’m even sorrier about that. I…I can’t believe I yelled at you like that.” He reaches out to touch me but I pull away. “Baby, I’m sorry. I really am.” My pulling away has hurt him deeply. I hate that, but once I get to thinking about that moment, his touch is the last thing I want.
“As long as we have to pretend that I’m with someone other than you, this is going to happen again. I don’t want to walk on eggshells for the next seven months, Will.” I can’t look him in the eye. I know if I do I’ll be drawn in and will go back on what I know I need to do. “I was wrong to think that we could pull this off anyway. Your dad doesn’t buy it and it’s only a matter of time before it all comes crumbling down around us.”
“No, you were right! We can do this. Layla, before I met you I thought I’d never get close enough to anyone to feel this way. I was too scared to even try, but you make me want to be brave. You make me realize that love is real and worth every risk just to have it.”
“Will…”
“Layla, please. We can do this. It won’t happen again. I can deal with Marcus, I promise. I’ll even apologize to him if you want. You don’t understand what this is doing to me,” he pleads. The tone in his voice is new. It’s full of pain; pain that I can take away if I change my mind. The whites of his ocean blue eyes are now red and watery. He’s holding back tears and I have to look away.
“No, Will, you don’t understand. For five years I pretended that I was ok living with my grandparents. I pretended that game shows and puzzles was sufficient entertainment; I pretended to be ok with having dinner at 4:30 and going to bed at eight. I pretended that having friends and doing things girls are supposed to love doing wasn’t important to me. I gave up everything I loved about me because I had to, and I don’t want to do that anymore. The only silver lining to moving here was feeling like I had a chance to start over; feeling like I didn’t have to spend the another five years waiting for the next important person in my life to die.”
“I didn’t know. Why didn’t you tell me?” Will’s demeanor is softer now, like the Will I fell in love with.
“I didn’t want to be the girl with baggage at 17. I just wanted to start over. Look, if we’re meant to be together, then, we will.” It’s a lame response and I hate giving it. “Right now, your dad makes us an impossibility. Standing up to him isn’t an option, so what else are we going to do, Will? I don’t want to be with you and pretend to not love you. It’s not so easy turning my feelings on and off. I thought I could do it for the sake of keeping you safe, but it’s only hurting us.” I can’t take it anymore. I walk to the front door and open it. “You should go.”
Will steps to the door and stands as close as he possibly can in front of me. I can feel the warmth of his breath and the heat from his body.
“I understand better than you think I do. You’re not the only one who’s spent their life pretending to be someone they’re not.” He moves a quarter step closer, taking my face in his left hand. “I am never letting go of you. If I have to wait a hundred years, I will. I love you, Layla. We belong together and you know it.” He puts his other arm around my waist, leans down and kisses me like he did the first time on the porch that amazing summer night. I force myself to be still so I don’t wrap my arms around him and melt into him.
I close the door behind him, not watching him leave as I usually do. Then I drop to the floor and cry like never before. It is in this moment that I realize my season of punishment had not been those five years in Orlando. My season of punishment is now.
Chapter 19
The days move slowly and I find myself in automatic mode. I go to school every day, come home and do my homework. Then after that I either read or stare out the window of the loft from my favorite chair, except for the days I meet with Marcus for tutoring. He’s asked me what happened with Will a few times, but I don’t answer, changing the subject. He eventually stops asking and I assume he’s either finally put two and two together, or just plain gave up.
I don’t feel completely alone, as Gwen and Caroline haven’t abandoned me. They did their best to talk me through things in the days that followed, but I wouldn’t say anything about Will or what happened. I don’t want to paint any kind of picture of him. Everything they know about the break up comes from Will. I feel bad for being so mute about the whole thing but I just don’t know how to express myself without looking or feeling stupid. So they press on, making things as normal as possible.
I sit next to Tyler and Chris in the classes we have together, and with the girls in study hall. The hardest part is the two classes I have with Will. We’re seated alphabetically, so I don’t normally sit with him, but now that seems to be more awkward. He skips class a lot, and when he is there, he isn’t really. He leaves notes for me in my locker, and sometimes Chris and Tyler will deliver them. Each one reads the same: I will never stop loving you. If I didn’t still love him deeply I would consider a restraining order. By the time Thanksgiving break arrives I have 84 notes from Will.
I keep every single one of them in my nightstand.
Though the days drag on, Thanksgiving eventually arrives. Luke and Claire spent the holidays with some other couples from the firm at the Meyer’s house over the last few years. Had Will and I not split I would have looked forward to the chance to be together on the holiday, but this year they told Mr. Meyer that they’d be celebrating the holidays with me at home. Not surprisingly, he didn’t mind at all.
I thought it would be weird having a holiday without any of the family I grew up with. I’m a little sad, but it isn’t like I thought it would be. I’ve been with Luke and Claire for almost six months now, but with everything that’s gone on it feels like so much longer, like we’ve always been a family.
Claire and I brave the Black Friday sales, standing in line at Target at four in the morning. Later at the mall she swears she’ll eventually get something for Luke, but I ultimately have to tear her away from the shoe department and we settle on some things we think Luke will love.
Shopping for Claire with Luke is an entirely different experience, and takes a fraction of the time. All we have to do is walk up to the counter of Claire’s favorite stores – Tiffany’s and Neiman-Marcus – where she has set aside the items Luke and I can choose from. Luke says he learned a long time ago that this is the safest way to shop for Claire.
As I scan the cases at Tiffany’s, something catches my eye – something I think Claire will love – and I know what I’m going to do with some of the money I saved from Gramps.
The whole weekend we decorate the house for Christmas, play holiday music, and eat more than we should. I end the weekend feeling closer to Luke and Claire than ever.
I have a big trigonometry test the Friday after we get back from Thanksgiving break on verifying identities. My tutoring with Marcus is paying off – I’m only moderately lost instead of completely lost – but I’m still nervous. I ask Marcus to come to the house for all of our tutoring now. Luke makes sure Will isn’t there working on the basement, and I don’t want to risk running into Will in town or at school. God o
nly knows what he’d do if he saw Marcus and me together.
“So that’s how we use Euler’s formula to show sine times x plus y equals sine times x times cosine times y plus sine times y times cosine times x. Make sense?”
“I…think so…no.” I toss my pencil down in frustration.
“Hey…it’s ok. We’ll just start over again,” Marcus says trying to calm my irritation.
“We’ve been going over this section for over an hour. How I’m passing this class at all is a mystery to me. Can we just pick this up next time?” I have a headache. My brain is fried and I’m sure it is making plans to crack open my skull and make a run for it any minute now. I don’t blame it.
“Sure. I’ll come by on Thursday. Sound good?”
“Yeah, thanks, Marcus. I appreciate it.” I close my books with a furious and thundering clap and shove them across the table. I wish there were some way out of this class altogether. Not only is it ridiculously difficult for me, this is one of the classes I have with Will. His being there makes it hard to concentrate, which only adds to my deficiencies in this subject.
“So…I wanted to ask how you were doing. You’ve ignored me every other time I’ve brought it up.” Marcus isn’t one to give up easily. It’s been several weeks and I can finally think about it without crying, so I appease him, but only slightly. He’s been patient, and considering he shed some blood over the issue, I feel like he’s earned it somehow.
“There’s not much to tell, Marcus. Will and I broke up.” Maybe I’m not going to appease him completely, but at least I’m not ignoring him altogether.
“I know you broke up, Layla. I want to know how you’re feeling about it. I remember how Holly felt. It was really hard for her. Despite my feelings about Will, he’s apparently a good guy and one a girl would hate to lose. So…” he presses.
“It sucks. I hate it. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. Does that answer your question?” I answer with frustration.
“You could take it back if you wanted to. I’m sure Will would be happy for you to. I know I would be.” Marcus is tender and caring, but I don’t like it when he inserts himself into the scenario.
“Don’t say things like that,” I say.
“It’s true. But…I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
“I know I could take it back, Marcus. That doesn’t mean it’s a good idea.”
“Listen, Layla…do you know what the most upsetting part about what went down with Holly was? It was that they let Gregory Meyer decide for them. As furious as I was with the Meyers, I was equally disappointed in my family. Love can’t be ruled with an iron fist. Meyer does whatever he wants because no one tells him he can’t. When does it end? One day the Meyers are going to pay.”
Marcus leaves and I sit there silently. Could I stand up to Will’s dad? I think about this seriously for a full minute before I come to my senses and realize that it would be pointless. I would simply be a silly little girl trying to distract his son. No. This is for the best.
Miraculously I pass my trig exam and coast through the weeks until Christmas. Luke and Claire make it a really special day. We get up early and make breakfast together. I make mom’s ham and cheese brunch squares while we listen to Christmas music. Then, we all sit on the floor in front of the tree and eat. Before we open gifts we take turns guessing what we think the others got us. Luke and I are totally off base. Claire already picked out the gifts we could choose from, so she has an unfair advantage.
Luke loves the cufflinks Claire gave him. He very unsubtly dropped hints for weeks about wanting a charging station for his various and sundry electronic devices, so that’s what I got for him. The earrings and iPod Luke selected from his choices are a hit with Claire.
Before my trip to the jewelry store with Luke I had been at a total loss as what to get Claire. I knew that just any gift wouldn’t do, not because she wouldn’t love whatever I gave her, but because it needed to be meaningful. I hand her the Tiffany Blue wrapped box with my gift inside and hope it means as much to her as it does to me.
“Oh, Layla,” she says as she raises the lid of the jewelry box. Inside is a silver necklace with three tubular charms. The charms hold the birthstones of Luke, Claire and me. In the center is a pearl for me, with a sapphire and amethyst on either side for Claire and Luke. “This is so beautiful. Thank you…so much.” Claire leans across the torn paper and empty boxes and hugs me tightly and then immediately puts the necklace on.
“I’m glad you like it. I know I didn’t pick from what you chose, but I wanted to get you something that…well…that meant something. It’s our little family.” Tears start to fill my eyes, but I choke them back.
“I love it, Layla. I love you. It means more to me than you’ll ever know.” Claire hugs me again, giving an extra squeeze before she lets go. “Ok, you’ve waited long enough. It’s time for you to open your gifts,” Claire says, shifting the attention onto me, which I don’t particularly love, but am learning to tolerate much better.
I open a few boxes with clothes that Claire knew I needed. The weather will be getting colder and I still don’t have enough warm clothes to get me through. Luke got me a new iPod, which is great because I’m running out of space on the one I already have. Then, Claire and Luke give each other a smile and hand me the last gift under the tree. I open the slender box and gasp. I cannot hold back the tears now.
It’s a Kindle Reader.
“We already downloaded all the classics and we set up an account online so you can download anything else you want whenever you want.” Luke’s eyes are wide and as excited mine.
“Thank you so much! It’s perfect!” I hug them tighter than I ever have before. I’m so happy. It isn’t the gift, but what it represents. They know me, really know me. After years of feeling like a lonely island, of being looked at and not seen, Luke and Claire have seen who I am, and it’s an incredible feeling.
We spend the afternoon playing with our new toys, and Claire talks me into doing a fashion show for Luke. She paid perfect attention on our shopping excursions. Every outfit she got me is both the right size and my exact style. Then we cook and eat more food than three people need in one sitting and it’s after midnight before we all go to bed.
It was the best day I’d had in a long time.
*****
Luke and Claire ask me for the hundredth time if I’m sure I want to skip the New Year’s Gala as they ready themselves for their annual New Year’s date. With a bottle of soda in one hand and a bowl of popcorn in the other, I confirm that I’m fine and send them on their way. They wish me a happy New Year as they leave to meet Caroline’s parents, who are Luke and Claire’s closest friends. I close the door behind them and settle in for a night of junk food and movie watching. If I spend too much time thinking about the fact that this could have been the first year I would have had someone to kiss at midnight I may get depressed, so I focus on the gratuitous humor that awaits me.
I’ve just started the first movie when the doorbell rings. I think Claire may have come back for something so I run down to get the door as quickly as I can. I hate the idea of their date being delayed at all. When I open the door I’m shocked to see Caroline standing there in her pajamas, pillow in one hand, a stack of movies in the other.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were going to the New Year’s Gala!” I can’t hide my excitement at her presence on my doorstep.
“Your aunt told me what you had planned for tonight and I decided it was going to be way more fun than the Gala. So are you going to let me in? It’s freezing out here!” she says.
“Yes! Yes! Get in here!” I close the door behind Caroline and give her a huge hug. I’m really happy that she’s here. Caroline and I march upstairs and settle in to ring in the New Year together.
I love having Caroline here with me, but I can’t deny that her presence is a reminder of Will and everything I’m missing now that we’re no longer together. The more I think about him, the m
ore I think about Caroline and Gwen. It seems unfair that Will’s father would hate me so much and accept them.
“Caroline? Why me?” That’s all I have to say and Caroline knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“It’s not you, Layla. It’s anything that reinforces Will’s rejection of his father’s supreme authority, power, and control,” she says. It sounds a bit rehearsed and I wonder if this is what the conversation revealed when the smoke cleared after Holly.
“Don’t you and Gwen do the same thing? I mean, Will could have just as easily fallen for you. You feel the same way about things as he does.”
“We’ve known Will practically our whole lives. Mr. Meyer has had time to get used to us. He sees us as one of them. We’re in this counterfeit world he treasures so much.”
“So am I, technically,” I say defiantly.
“Technically, yes, but it’s not the same. You just got here and haven’t had time to conform yet. Trust me, I know. I almost didn’t make it on his good list,” she says.
“What do you mean?” I’m curious. How could anyone not like Caroline? She’s absolutely the sweetest, most agreeable person I’ve ever known. To not like her would make you the devil himself. Oh, that answers my question.
“I’m adopted. My parents got me when I was six,” she says without hesitation. She’s so matter of fact.
“I didn’t know that. But…what would that have to do with whether Mr. Meyer accepted you or not?”
“My birth mom was a prostitute and a drug addict. I don’t know who my father was; I don’t think she knew either. When Mr. Meyer found out he was concerned that it was too late for me to understand how things work around here – that I had already been corrupted beyond reform. When Will and I would play together as kids, he watched us like a hawk. I don’t know what he was expecting me to do. I was six. I wasn’t exactly hiding a dime bag of pot in my lunch box. But, I guess when he saw that I wasn’t going to damage his son he eased up. I remember those years well.”
The Lake Page 20
