by A J Walkley
“Hey, Greeeeeer,” Cameron said, coming over to me and placing a hand on my waist. “Whatcha doin’ over here? Come on, we’re about to play a game.” He took my hand and led me to a card table where Brian, Becca and some kid everyone called Tex sat. Becca motioned for me to sit next to her, but Cameron pulled me down between him and Tex. “Okay, kids, this is a game we call Suck and Roll. Here’s how you play…”
Cameron explained this dice game where you attempt to get a higher and higher score, adding up to certain intervals. Once you hit an interval, you get a hit off the pipe. I wasn’t sure I should play. I had never so much as taken a drag off a cigarette. I thought I would look idiotic if I was the only one who coughed and sputtered on my first hit. I looked over at Becca who gave me a smile. I stayed put.
Tex went first. He rolled a two and a six. Brian wrote it down on a pad that had our names on it. I looked over and noticed he had spelled my name wrong: Grere. Wow.
“Not bad, T. Not bad at all,” Cameron said, taking the die off the table. Shaking them in his hand a moment, he let them go. Double sixes. “Woo! Hit for me!” He took the bowl and lit it. After putting it down, looking even more glassy-eyed than before, he said, “So, Greer, doubles gets you a hit, no matter what. But, the first time you get a hit without doubles is when you reach 25 with your rolls, get it?”
I nodded and took the die from him. Looking around me I noticed both Cameron and Becca looking at me with much more interest than the rest of the group. I dropped the die and got double fours. I cringed inside.
“Yeeeeah, that’s how it’s done!” Cameron pumped a fist in the air before putting his arm around me, placing the bowl in front of my face. “Here, I’ll light it for you.”
“Uh, okay.” I sucked in on the mouthpiece while he lit the weed with his Bic. I held it in for a couple of seconds before pushing his hand away and sputtering the smoke out of my lungs. The room erupted in laughter.
“First time, kid?” Tex asked. I shot him a death stare while I continued to cough.
“It’s okay, man, it happens to the best of us,” Becca said. “It’s my roll.” She took the attention away from me and rolled a six and a three as I composed myself. “Eh,” she said to her roll before winking at me.
The game continued like this for another half hour or so until everyone was too burned to continue and there was no more pot left.
“It’s kicked, bro,” Tex told Cameron.
“It’s cool, man. You know, if we ever got really desperate we could probably smoke my hair,” Cam laughed. “I’ve been smoking so long, it’s gotta be full of THC.”
I felt lightheaded. I leaned back on one of the Keeting’s beanbags and closed my eyes. I had erupted in a giggle-fit after my second hit, but now I just felt pleasantly calm. Any concerns I might have had about how I acted and what I said in front of Cameron and Becca were non-existent.
“Dude, get this. I always think about this. Listen. Have you ever, like, thought what it would be like if, like, everyone on the planet just, like, disappeared? And we were, like, the only ones left?” Brian queried the circle. Eyes rolled.
“Ha, stoned much, gaymo?” Cameron teased, flicking the hair tie previously around my wrist at him.
Brian took the bowl and tried to light it. Handing it to Tex he said, “Dude, it’s cached. Pack it again, will ya?” Turning his attention back to the rest of us, he answered Cam. “Well, yeah, duh, I’m toasted, but like, think about it, bro. Just for a sec. What would you do?”
Hmm, what would I do? I thought, my mind in a heady cloud of smoke.
“I’d go to your house and raid your weed stash. Then I’d go get the biggest flat screen TV at Circuit City and all the DVDs to go with it,” Cam said. “Then I’d load up on munchies, and sit on my ass for awhile.”
“And why’s that different from a populated world?” I asked.
“Dude! She’s gotta point,” Brian interjected. “I would totally go to, like, Jamaica or the Bahamas or something and chill on the beach.”
“Really, genius?” Shaun spoke up. “How ya gonna get there?”
“I’d, uh, ohhhh…” He paused. “I could learn how to fly a plane. I’d take one of those Idiot’s Guides from Borders or something.”
“Idiot is right,” Becca added. “You’d fly it right into the water. Nah, who am I kidding. You’d probably crash on the runway.”
My heart sped up when Becca put him in his place. We had both just entered this clique, and she already seemed like she was comfortable there.
When I thought more about it, I realized I didn’t feel like that much of an outsider either. I placed my hand on my stomach and thought, Not bad, Greer. Pretty flat. I wasn’t feeling insecure. I decided then and there that pot wasn’t as bad as our Health teachers had always made it out to be.
“Okay, I’m calling it a night,” Becca said then. I looked on as she got up and followed suit.
“Yeah I’m exhausted,” I said. “Thanks, Cameron.”
“No prob, Bob. Let me walk you out.” He walked us out the basement door. “Thanks for coming you guys,” he said to us, though he was looking at me.
“Thanks for the invite,” Becca said and walked away.
“So, Greer, we still on for tomorrow?” he asked.
“Right, yeah,” I said, my confidence still high. “Let’s meet at the movies. I think there’s a 7:30 show of that one we wanted to see.”
“Excellent,” he replied before leaning over and kissing my cheek. “See you then.”
***
I walked quickly to catch up to Becca, already at the end of Cameron’s driveway.
“Hey! Not so fast!” I shouted when I got close.
She turned and smiled.
“Sorry, I thought you were having a moment with your b.f.,” she said, lifting an eyebrow and a corner of her mouth at the same time.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I assured – though who I was assuring was up for interpretation.
“Whatever you say. He was asking me about you.” She picked up her pace. I had to jog a few steps to keep up with her.
“He did? When?” My stomach felt like it had shrunk to a quarter of its size.
Cameron was talking to other people about me? was my first thought. Why’d he have to talk to Becca? was my second.
“You were in the bathroom. He asked if you had mentioned him to me. If you liked him,” she said matter-of-factly.
I was momentarily grateful it was dark, the streetlamp we were walking under burned out, so she couldn’t see my eyes widen in concern.
“Wh-what did you say?” I asked, clearing my throat. We were nearing the street I had to turn on.
“Chill out, Greer. I just told him to ask you. I didn’t know the answer anyway.” She stopped since I had.
“Well, this is my street. I mean, it’s off this one,” I stumbled over my words, looking back toward Cameron’s.
“Okay then. Thanks for inviting me tonight. I had fun,” Becca said, leaning in for a hug. I closed my eyes and breathed in her shampoo – lavender.
“I’m glad you came.” We stepped back from each other and I grinned like an idiot - I would chastise myself later.
“Ha, okay. Have a nice night, Greer,” she said, walking off in the other direction and leaving me at the corner.
“You, too,” I called after her. I watched her until she rounded the street ahead before continuing home myself.
***
I had settled on jeans and a black tank top for my first date with Cameron. My first date ever, actually. So, needless to say, I was pretty damn nervous. I applied three coats of deodorant within the half hour before he picked me up, and I was certain that still wouldn’t be enough.
It was pure luck that I was home alone. My mom was out for drinks with her coworkers and Emily was sleeping at a friend’s house. I left a note for Mom saying I went to a movie with friends (not exactly a lie) and I was ready to go.
Cameron ended up being fifteen minutes late.
The whole time I was sitting in our family room by the window, getting more and more anxious by the minute.
“Sorry,” he said as soon as I opened the door.
I smiled sweetly. “It’s okay. Let’s get going!” I let it go, but secretly I was just a little annoyed that I was going to miss the previews. There was no way we’d make it, but I practically ran to Cam’s Jeep nonetheless.
“Here, pick something,” he said once we were in the car, handing me his CD case. Flipping through I didn’t see too much I was interested in; lots of rap, like Eminem and Jay Z, plus some country, like Toby Keith and Garth Brooks.
Not exactly my cup of tea. He did have a couple Rolling Stones CDs in back, so I chose one of those.
The theatre was only ten minutes away, which was good since I couldn’t think of anything to talk about. When I had spoken to Nick earlier that day, he had joked that I should come up with a list of topics and write it on my palm. I had laughed off the suggestion at the time, but sitting next to Cameron then, I wished I had done just that.
“The Stones, huh? They’re, like, one of the only bands my parents and I agree on,” he said, looking over at me with a half-smile.
“Yeah? They’re the best. I would die to see them live.” I hoped I could keep the conversation going as long as possible so there wouldn’t be any awkward silence. I wracked my brain to think of anything I knew about the band.
“Do they even play anymore?” Cameron asked. “Are they even alive still?”
I scoffed before I could stop myself. “Are you kidding me? They still tour! Mick Jagger pretty much sounds the same as he did thirty years ago. And Keith Richards is, well, like a medical marvel! He’s done more drugs than basically anyone and he’s still going.”
Cam laughed. “Damn, girl, you sure know you’re shit. I just like the music.”
Does that mean he is impressed with me, or does he think I am a total nerd?
By the last note of “Gimme Shelter” we were pulling into the parking lot.
“You want popcorn or candy or something?” he asked as we walked in the building and approached the ticket booth.
I instantly remembered Nick’s final piece of advice to me:
“Whatever you do, do not get popcorn. Every time you do, you have those kernel things in your teeth for days,” he reminded me. “If you want this guy to kiss you, promise me that.”
To Cameron I said, “No thanks,” at the same time that he told the girl behind the counter, “Two, please.”
He bought our tickets, which made it official – we were on a date. Not that I thought it was questionable, but this was completely new to me. I didn’t want to make any presumptions.
“Sweet, okay, where do you usually sit?” he asked me. Walking into the theatre though, we quickly realized that there was no choice. It was packed. Thus, the front row it was.
We sat down just as the last preview ended and the lights faded out completely. I don’t even remember what movie we saw. For 90 minutes I was hyper-aware of where Cameron’s right arm was at all times. First, it was next to my left, sharing the armrest between us. About halfway through, he shifted and put it around the back of my seat. My heart automatically sped up, thinking he would move it down to around my shoulders.
It didn’t happen.
He brought it back to the armrest, and I started asking myself, Will he hold my hand? Should I take his? Do girls even do that?
Absolutely not. I was sweating through my shirt just being beside him.
With about twenty minutes left of the film, he put his hand on my knee. What the hell was he waiting for? Regardless, I hadn’t been expecting it. Chills shot up and down my leg involuntarily. I felt foolish considering how benign it was.
I was suddenly worried that he would think I was a prude. Or worse – a virgin. I mentally kicked myself for my lack of experience.
Since my mom had given me an eleven o’clock curfew for the night, Cameron had to take me directly home after our date. The entire ride back he jabbered on and on about the movie. I just nodded and agreed with him, concentrating on what would happen when we reached my house.
He walked me to the door and was saying goodbye to me and put his hands on either side of my face, planting one on my lips before I had a chance to hesitate. It was not what I was expecting; not what I thought a first kiss would be like. I mean, at first it was just hard, our lips mashing together. I think that was my fault. Then, I relaxed and opened my mouth a little. Our tongues intertwined briefly, and then he pulled away. My eyes were still closed when he said goodbye for the second time.
I could not believe I had my first kiss with someone as hot as Cameron Keeting! I mean, this guy apparently liked me and I had no idea why. I hadn’t done anything special to attract him. I was just at the right place at the right time. I don’t know. I’ve just never thought of myself in that way, I guess.
***
We fool ourselves all the time – at least I do. A friendship is just a friendship, even if that person slowly evolves into the one you first think about when you wake up in the morning, and the last person you want to talk to before going to sleep at night. For boys and girls, that evolution may not be a great revelation once the truth is realized. When you’re both girls, however, it’s easy to get confused and act out of that confusion.
I thought Rebecca and I were fast on our way to becoming best friends. The first time I really started to think that our relationship was different, however, was at a swim practice early in the season.
As a captain, Becca helped the younger swimmers polish their strokes. Sometimes she’d move their arms and legs for them to help them better understand where they needed practice.
It was a Tuesday morning after Becca’s and my third Pizza Monday.
“Wilder! Get over here! Help Amanda with her arms!” Coach yelled across the pool. Amanda was a sophomore in the process of being groomed to take Becca’s spot swimming the butterfly after she graduated.
Hopping into the pool beside her, I watched as the two swam a couple of laps together. Amanda was moving her arms too slowly to keep up with her legs. After the second lap, Becca made her float on her stomach while she moved her arms for her.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain burst inside of my stomach. ‘Get off of her!’ I felt like shouting, and though I didn’t utter a sound, my face blushed with the thought. The last time I felt this way was when I saw Cameron talking with a group of girls outside school the week before. I knew I was feeling jealous, but, for Becca?
I jumped into the pool myself and started doing laps of my best stroke, freestyle. With each thrust of my arms, I repeated a silent mantra:
You don’t like Becca like that. She’s just your friend. She’s just your friend. She’s just your friend.
“MACMANUS!” Coach yelled just as I was about to turn around for a fifth lap. “Damn, if you go any faster you’re going to die of a heart attack. Hit the showers.”
I glanced at Becca once more as she watched Amanda swim and nodded at her progress.
I wish I was Amanda right now, I thought before heading into the locker room where I tried to shake the water out of my ears and the image of Becca in her bathing suit out of my head.
***
The first time I saw Becca’s room was the last Monday in September. Her parents’ favorite show premiered and they wanted to watch in the living room.
“Come on,” she beckoned me, requisite pizza in hand. “We can study upstairs.”
I followed her, unable to look away from her ascending ahead of me.
There was a fake Arizona license plate with her name on it nailed to the front of her door. Entering, I saw her queen-sized bed, which completely dwarfed my twin. Her comforter was grey with maroon paisley swirls all over. She had a small TV perched on her dresser and her Macbook was hooked up to a pair of sizeable speakers on her desk. I sat down on her bed and took a glance at her posters: The Doors, a French film called Therese and Isabelle, twins who looked like
they were in a music group, and one of a woman I recognized from “The L Word”. Dana, I think.
“Ever hear them?” Becca asked, gesturing to the twins with her chin. I shook my head. “Tegan and Sara. They’re twin dykes from Canada,” she added.
I looked at her wide-eyed.
“What? Haven’t you ever heard ‘dyke’ before?” she laughed.
“Uh, well, yeah,” I began, suddenly uncomfortable. Becca had never been so, well, blatant about this before. I didn’t know how to react.
“It’s cool, Greer. It’s like, if you’re a fag you can use the word fag, right? So, I’m a dyke. Same thing.”
“Right, yeah,” I said, my heart beating twice as fast as it was a moment earlier. Becca had just officially come out to me.
“Anyway, Tegan and Sara are sweet. I’ll play some for you.” Becca went over to her computer and fooled around on iTunes for a minute before her speakers came alive. She then joined me on the bed and we both dug into the pie.
“I like them,” I said after a minute or so.
“I’ll burn you their new CD. It rocks,” Becca said.
“I love The Doors.” I pointed to her poster. “I think my dad saw them before Morrison overdosed. I’ve never been more jealous.
Becca smirked. “You’re cute. Yeah, The Doors kick ass. I think Jim Morrison is like the only guy I’d ever go straight for.”
I coughed, choking on the pizza.
“Whoa, slow down there. Hold on.” Becca left the room and came back with a glass of water. I gulped it down quickly.
Before I could second-guess myself, I asked, “Have you ever been with a guy before?”
“Well,” she started, going to her bookshelf and taking out a photo album. “There was Alex. I don’t think you know him but he goes to our school.” She flipped the book open and pointed to a picture of her wrapped in the arms of a guy. He was probably around 6’2” by the looks of him, with jacked arms, a popped collar and faded jeans. Becca was forcing one of the fakest smiles I had ever seen and I wondered how this guy could have been so oblivious. “It was my freshman year. He was hot so I gave it a shot.”
