The Girl I Used to Know

by Faith Hogan

  ‘Why, will you take some if I do?’ She was kidding of course, she’d never create anything good enough to sit alongside the modern wunderkinds he carried here.

  ‘I’d be the first to come knocking on your door,’ he smiled and she thought he might be serious, ‘if I could afford them.’

  ‘Oh, it doesn’t matter much anyway, I’m afraid I don’t have time to paint these days,’ she laughed, an empty contemplative sound.

  ‘Amanda, everyone has time to paint.’ He reached behind the slim desk and pulled out a tiny canvas – it was no more than six inches square. ‘Go on, I dare you to, just one.’ He pressed it into her hands.

  ‘Oh, I don’t know, I really shouldn’t…’ She held it just a little away from her, as if to draw it nearer might infect her with the kind of desires she was slowly managing to quench. It sat on the passenger seat beside her as she drove home, her eyes pulled to it as she moved through rush-hour traffic. It was so small, just a half a picture really. Funny, but when they moved to Swift Square first she thought she’d paint all day long, but so much had gotten in the way.

  Her mobile rang then, breaking into her thoughts. She’d never get used to having that thing in her bag all the time. Now, stalled at traffic lights that looked as if they were set on staying red, she dug deep into her handbag and pulled it out. Richard’s name flashed across the dark screen. She pushed the button quickly before it went to mailbox.

  ‘Hey babe,’ she breathed, still thinking of their early morning sex, it brought a smile to her lips when she remembered just how lucky she was.

  ‘Amanda, where the hell are you?’ his voice had lost the silkiness of morning time. ‘You need to get back to the house, now.’

  ‘What’s wrong? What’s happened?’ Suddenly, she could feel tension knot deep in her stomach.

  ‘What do you think? Only Tess bloody Cuffe up to her tricks again. She’s called in the planning office, we have half of Dublin council in the back garden at this moment inspecting our geothermal heating system. Apparently, she’s saying it’s playing havoc with her pipes.’

  ‘But we had planning permission for all that work, hadn’t we?’ she whispered, she hated it when Richard got angry; it felt like a dismal fog enveloping everything in her world.

  ‘You’d think so, we certainly paid the architect enough to sort all this out,’ he was ranting now. ‘I’ll bloody sue them over this. I’ll take them to court and make mincemeat of that swanky practice. And, God, yes,’ his voice had picked up a peculiar sort of venom, the one he reserved for Tess Cuffe alone, ‘I’ll bloody sue Tess Cuffe as well. I’m getting her out of that bloody flat either way and if she won’t go with coaxing and hard cash, well then the courts can see her out. We’ll see then what money can’t buy if we have the best solicitor.’ He slammed down the phone, leaving Amanda listening to the dead line in her hand.

  God, she hated all this fighting, if only they could solve it all amicably, but she had tried. She’d tried calling down to the flat, when Richard didn’t know, but all Tess Cuffe had offered was insults and threats. She was sorry afterwards, promised herself from now on they would be a united front, in everything. She and Richard, ’til death do us part, the phrase rang in her ears. Everything – did that mean a court case too? For better or for worse, she thought, as the traffic lights changed up ahead. She leant across and placed the canvas in the footwell; she had a feeling, it would only be one more thing to get on Richard’s nerves.

  Chapter 36

  February 7 – Saturday

  Five o’clock in the morning and Tess wasn’t sure what wakened her, but suddenly, she was wide awake, her senses keen to pick up something out of the ordinary. She lay, for a moment, trying to figure out what had woken her. It was a sound, something familiar and yet something that marked itself out as unusual enough to break into her sleep.

  She looked around the darkened room, picking out the looming shape of her old wardrobe. The door beside closed tight to stop it creak in stray breezes was hung with her old dressing gown. She should really change that old thing, relegate it to the bin, she sighed happily. It was on her to-do list. After this concert was behind her, she would take herself into the city and treat herself to something soft, fluffy and luxurious.

  There it was again, a familiar, scratching mewing noise. Matt. Tess flung back the blankets, turned herself quickly from the bed and dived to the door. Outside, it was still dark, cold and far too wet for a cat to be wandering about.

  ‘How did you manage to get out?’ she whispered as she watched him jump from her windowsill and pad softly across to wind himself about her legs. ‘I’ve given all your food away, you know that, Mrs O has all your treats,’ although there was some ham in the fridge, but she knew he’d be more than happy with a dry bed and a saucer of milk.

  When she bent to pick him up, his fur was wet and she wondered for a moment how long exactly he’d been sitting at her window. ‘Come on, let’s dry you off and give you a treat.’ She closed the door with a soft click, leaving the darkened city behind them, and for the first time since he’d left, she felt like everything was just as it should be in her cosy little flat.

  *

  ‘I never thought I’d be so nervous,’ Tess whispered to Kilker who looked as though he was ready for fight or flight. They were all a little keyed up. It was their first performance of the year and they weren’t only debuting a new soloist, but they had a whole new repertoire of ambitious music. To make matters worse, someone mentioned there would be a delegation present in the audience from Choral Fest. There was a slightly nervous giggle from one of the women in the chorus line, which died wretchedly and instantly when Tess turned her coldest stare on the woman. For her part, Tess was relieved to see that she had not lost her ability to communicate effectively with just a glare.

  ‘I think it’s in Salzburg next year,’ Kilker said a little too loudly. ‘The Chorus Festival, you know, if we were to impress them…’ his words petered off, it was too fantastic to imagine that they’d be selected for an occasion like that.

  ‘Salzburg?’ Tess felt the name on her lips. It was another of her regrets – the fact that she’d never had a chance to travel, that her life had ended so far off the trajectory that seemed destined so many years before. She’d said so, just last week to Kilker when he dropped by for coffee. He was doing that every other day now. Within a very short time, he’d managed to make his own of her sofa and leave space for Matt reverentially at the other end. Most surprising of all, to Tess, was that he had mastered a perfect cup of tea, just the way she liked it.

  ‘Well, it’s an honour that they’re here, let’s just do our best and see what happens.’ Barry stood taller tonight than ever before. Tess noticed that his shirt collar was starched and white and when he tapped his baton, it produced the kind of stillness that goes far beyond quiet. The church, in that moment, was reverently silent and Tess loved it. They opened with two standard hymns, familiar pieces that would settle the audience.

  Centre pews, Tess caught sight of Amanda and Robyn. She was no longer nervous, but still, it was nice to feel that they were there for her. When she moved to the front to sing her three hymns, she caught their eyes and nodded almost imperceptibly to let them know she was singing for them as much as she was for herself tonight. Those solo minutes seemed to last an eternity while at the same time floated away from her as an ethereal dream, time slipping; gossamer through her fingertips. She adored the precious freedom of her voice rising high above the heads of everyone in the church. She treasured the feeling that she was somehow at one with something far greater than she could have ever imagined.

  At the end, she stood for a moment, revelled in the applause and yes, the admiration. She was basking in it. Her, Tess Cuffe – spinster and oddball. She was standing on this elegant podium and feeling as if she owned this city that for so long seemed to shunt her off. She stood for a second, dazed by emotion. The reaction of the audience, enchanted and applauding, drew each second flue
ntly out, so she revelled in every ounce of their admiration, then she bowed as she’d always known she would one day. Elated, she was moving back towards her place in the choir. Next up, the baritones moved forward and the music changed to something a little more upbeat, and a little less breath-taking. Tess could see it in the faces before her.

  *

  ‘That was amazing,’ Amanda said when they gathered for refreshments at the end. ‘You never told us you could sing like that.’

  ‘So, how did you think I would sound?’ Tess was laughing at her, but she understood Amanda’s confusion. After all, Tess herself had all but forgotten that she sang. She never imagined it was something she could find within her at this late stage. ‘I suppose, it was so long, I just wasn’t sure if I would ever sing again.’ She sipped the prosecco and it felt cool and delicious against her throat.

  ‘Why on earth did you ever stop?’ Robyn rounded on her.

  ‘Life, just life, I suppose. You have to be happy to sing, you know, to get up there and what is it you youngsters say, put yourself out there?’ Tess sighed. ‘I suppose, I just got to the stage where the joy had left me and I didn’t have it in me to pretend anymore. I lost the courage to stand in front of people and praise God or anything else, because I didn’t believe there was anything worth praising.’ That was the truth of it, she’d never really thought about it before, but that was it. For most of her life, she had lost all faith in anything ever being right again. She learned to accept that she was only going to endure life, never flourish. But then, somehow, that had changed. She looked across at Kilker who didn’t look so bear-like in his smart tuxedo now he’d tamed his whiskers and trimmed his unruly hair. ‘I suppose, although it kills me to admit it, but it’s down to you that I could get up there and sing tonight.’

  ‘It took more than bringing you along, Tess, surely you see that.’ Kilker was beside them now. ‘You had it in you all these years, you just couldn’t find it,’ he said softly, enjoying that, for this once, at least, she was admitting he was right.

  ‘How did you know?’ It hadn’t occurred to her before, but now she wondered.

  ‘Ah, well.’ He placed his finger at the side of his spirit-pocked nose. ‘Now, that would be telling and I have a feeling that if I came clean, you might not talk to me anymore.’ His eyes twinkled as he laughed and Tess thought he really could be the most infuriating man ever.

  ‘Come on, you have to tell us, we’ll burst now if we don’t find out.’ Amanda linked his arm conspiratorially.

  ‘Maybe, someday, when I’m sure she won’t be mad at me. She has a very volatile cat; I do worry that she might set the thing on me if I get on her nerves too much.’ He laughed at that again and nodded at some of the other women in the choir.

  ‘Not anymore,’ Tess said but this wasn’t the place to be sad, and anyway, she had learned the difference between home being a place and a feeling, and she knew that Matt would always be at home with her, even if his papers said he belonged with Mrs O.

  ‘We won’t let her set the cat on you. To be perfectly frank, he gave me the shivers too and anyway,’ Amanda’s voice dipped, ‘he’s not really fierce, he’s all fur and no fangs. You must tell us now, Kilker.’

  ‘Well…’ he looked across at Tess, then leant nearer Amanda and Robyn. ‘The truth is, I remember Tess from years ago. Oh, it took me a while to place her when she arrived at the hospital with her broken arm and giving out yards to the junior doctors, but she was the kind of girl you wouldn’t forget. I had a real soft spot for her,’ he said softly. ‘Mind you, half the boys I knew were after her, not that she seemed to realise,’ he cleared his throat and caught Tess’s eye shyly, just for once. ‘Of course, Tess was way out of my league. Anyway, she had a bloke and rumour had it they were getting hitched, so that was that.’ He smiled now, thinking back to those days. ‘Even then, she could have put St Peter to sleep, her voice was that heavenly.’ He shook his head now and looked at Tess as though she might remember him. He leant in closer to her then, ‘You called me Stephen then, back when we had the jazz band, of course, it was a long time ago. No one calls me that anymore.’ He shook his head fondly, maybe a little sadly at the passage of time.

  ‘Oh, dear God.’ Tess felt her legs buckle beneath her, ‘How could I not have known?’ She peered at him now, trying to picture the gangly youth, with skin reddened from farm work and a denim jacket that never left his back. ‘Stephen?’ she heard the name fall from her on a breath. ‘You were so kind to me, that last time, you said…’ she felt herself fall back in time, ‘you said it would all work out, in the end.’ She felt a tear slide down her cheek, remembered too late the powder Robyn had pressed to dull away a shine.

  ‘Oh, don’t get so sentimental. It doesn’t change anything,’ he leant towards her now, pulling a great big cotton hanky from his pocket. ‘I’m still the same, maybe wider and wiser, but we’re here now, that’s what counts.’ He dabbed her cheek, held her face softly in his hand and their eyes connected, for just a moment; long enough to see the boy within.

  ‘Time changes all of us, Stephen. I can’t quite believe it’s you…’ Tess inclined her head a little, watching him. It all came flooding back, Stephen, he was in second year medicine at the time, a gangly, easy-going youth, she’d hardly given a second glance. ‘After all these years, so much has changed.’

  ‘I’m not sure about that.’ He smiled at her now, his eyes creasing up so there was no mistaking the affection that had been there all along, if only she had looked more closely. ‘Well, maybe some things have, but for the good.’

  ‘Really?’ Tess felt herself blush when she looked at him now.

  ‘Of course, I’d say that your voice is even more enchanting here than it was in that club all those years ago.’ He reached forward and kissed her gently on her cheek and she had a delicious feeling of something new and lovely stirring up within her. ‘And of course,’ he added smiling, ‘it’s never too late to be happy.’

  Chapter 37

  February 13 – Friday

  Amanda had to do it. She had to front it out, if only to see what they knew, or if they knew anything at all. She marched into the Berkley Plaza wearing a navy blazer that was almost vintage, by Clarissa’s standards. It was fifteen years since she’d fitted into it. A size twelve, hardly Twiggy, but it was a timeless design and she teamed it with a pair of fitted jeans, a Gap T-shirt and an oversized scarf she’d picked up for a song. It was amazing what a month of not being able to face a cream bun could do for you. This time, when she caught sight of her reflection in the plate glass she felt herself relax into a contented easy space within herself. It had more to do with how she was feeling about herself than it had to do with her appearance, but she had to confess that it didn’t do her confidence any damage to feel she was looking much better than she had only a few weeks earlier.

  ‘We thought you’d abandoned us, darling,’ Nicola said, air-kissing her when she arrived.

  ‘Sorry, it’s just been so busy. I’ve been invited onto the Love Dublin committee, so…’ it wasn’t exactly a lie. Carlos – the Italian love god – was transforming the square and she was helping out. She had spent the last few days clearing out beds and setting in spring bulbs that were already near full bloom. It was doing her good, her complexion was clear, her eyes were bright and each night she slept soundly, far better than she had for a very long time. Had she been worrying about Richard for years? It seemed now as if there had been a weight sitting in her heart for an age. It was an obscure time bomb ready to detonate and she had been anxiously waiting for the explosion that would spell the end of her way of life as she knew it for far too long. Funny, it turned out the end of that existence was no bad thing. She smiled now, a confident flicker of her lips that obviously rattled Clarissa.

  ‘My goodness, we thought…’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, we thought…’ Megan’s eyes darted from one to the other women.

  ‘You know how these things go, Amand
a. You don’t call your friends, you seem to have fallen off the social scene and look at you, you’re positively fading away under all these, new clothes.’

  ‘Oh, Nicola, I’m hardly fading away. I told you, I’ve started to overhaul my life. Make healthier choices around food and exercise and it’s done me the world of good. I feel,’ Amanda looked from one pained face to the other and began to smile broadly, ‘I feel happy, really happy for the first time in years.’ The word seemed like an alien concept here, among these women, perfection was the ultimate goal, happiness had long since lost any meaning.

  ‘Happy?’ Clarissa wrinkled her nose, an admirable feat considering her rhinoplasty and all the Botox that filled out deep lines that should now set it apart from her cheeks. Her eyes held some recollection of the feeling, perhaps there was a hint too that it was something she missed.

  The rest of the morning filled with chatter about other people, mainly the wives, but as usual, Nicola had some juicy pieces of information from the trading floor.

  ‘Apparently, Arial Wade has stopped sleeping her way through the junior traders,’ she whispered, a little deflated that they could no longer gossip about her new conquests. She looked pointedly at Amanda, so perhaps she didn’t know anything for sure, or maybe things had changed.

  ‘Has something happened to her? Has she contracted some kind of sexually transmitted bankers’ disease?’ Megan was attempting flippancy. Amanda recognised the fear that had always been a part of marriage to a wealthy man.

  ‘No, rumour has it, she’s cooling off a bit,’ Nicola threw her eyes heavenwards; love and romance were for fools as far as Nicola was concerned. Wealth and sex were two different currencies and the former was the one that dictated gratification for Nicola. ‘Perhaps you were right after all and she’s going after that promotion, Amanda.’