“Did your master take advantage of your anger?”
“I think so. He told me to beware the people, and I suppose he taught me to hate humans. When I change into a dragon, anger is the first emotion that I feel.” She had never thought about it like that. “You know what it is, Ferhdessar, anger is an easy emotion. Much easier than grief or fear. It’s easier to hate someone than to love them. At those moments, anger justifies everything. It can become so overpowering that it impairs your ability to think, and sometimes, no most times, that feels really good.”
Ferhdessar didn’t respond. To Lilith’s amazement she didn’t see disapproval on his face, whereas to her mind it was loathsome that it worked that way. She wanted to use her anger to feel strong, but in reality she was a weakling. She was shocked to realize she despised herself for this.
“Maybe you should use your anger to make everything right,” the sorcerer interrupted her train of thought.
“What do you mean?”
“You can use your anger to eliminate Kasimirh.”
“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered.
That clearly did displease Ferhdessar. “Wouldn’t it feel good to fight against him? To know that you’re stronger than he is? You can do it, Lilith. And you’re the only one who should do it.”
Lilith shrugged. “I really don’t know. I know that I should hate him, and that should make it easier to destroy him, but…” She shook her head.
It was too hard to admit that, in spite of everything, she still looked upon her master as some kind of father. Kasimirh had often told her that he was proud of her. She needed that kind of validation. He had acted as her patron. She had been grateful for that, despite the things he had asked her to do. Now that she had been separated from him for so many months, his protective side dominated her memories. It sometimes seemed as if the man she had ran away from only existed in her nightmares.
“Will you protect me if I can’t hurt him when the time comes?” she asked.
Ferhdessar gave her a reassuring smile. “I’ll make sure that you’ll never fall into his hands again.”
“Thank you.”
His gaze wandered for a second and his face darkened. Suddenly he grabbed hold of her chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. “But it would be best if you did it yourself.” A shiver ran down her spine as he regarded her closely to see if she understood him. “It would be best if you did it yourself,” he mumbled again and then he let go of her.
Lilith lowered herself down from the workbench and walked outside. When she looked up, she saw the blue banners flying in the ever present wind. With the sun shining through them, they were hardly visible. She stared at them for a while and then walked to the edge of the garden. Lilith forced herself to think about her master.
“I hate you!” she shouted against the wind.
The three words didn’t mean anything. She heaved a disappointed sigh. Why was it that, when it came to him, she couldn’t call up the one emotion that was always so near the surface? Whenever she so much as thought about the servi – or Aida – her muscles tightened and her body shivered with the desire to hurt them. But whenever she thought about her master, she felt small and insignificant and she became scared. She could feel the anger, but if she actively tapped into it, a scorching heat devoured her, causing her to quickly let go of her anger and hide away in a corner of her mind, shaking, until she had comforted herself with the lie that her master had always protected her.
Lilith was resting her elbows on the wall and supported her head with her hands. She was searching for a memory to fuel her anger. It wasn’t long before she thought of Myar. She had rescued the boy from the claws of a lioness. At the time, she hadn’t understood what had gotten into her, but she had taken the boy with her to her cabin and she had taken care of him. The boy had had absolute confidence in her. Her care had helped him recover quickly and he had been deeply grateful to her. Even now, she could still feel how confusing that had been. Myar had been the first human who hadn’t been afraid of her. He had judged her on what she had done for him.
The people, however, though that she had bewitched the child. To exorcize the devil, they had put him on a ridiculous diet, which had eventually killed him. But the people had blamed her for Myar’s death. In a state of fury, Lilith had flown out. She had killed the priest who had been responsible for the boy’s death.
This had played havoc with her master’s plans. So he had returned to restore order and had promised the people that he would slay the dragon. They had acted out a fight during which Lilith hadn’t been allowed to fight back, even though her master had wounded her several times.
Kasimirh had laughed out loud each time that the crowd had roared. It had been a long time before that laugh hadn’t haunted her nightmares any more. Lilith had always told herself that his excitement – just like the fight – had been an act, but part of her suspected that this wasn’t true. In reality he had probably enjoyed hurting her.
Still shivering, Lilith opened her eyes. You deserved it. You had to be punished for your disobedience.
“No, he could have solved it differently, but he deliberately humiliated me,” she whispered to herself. Then she straightened her back and screamed, “I hate you, master!” She clenched her fists, but that didn’t help to give the words any weight. She shook her head in defeat.
All of a sudden Ferhdessar stood next to her. He gazed at the southern horizon before he looked at her.
“I think we want the same thing. I want to defeat Kasimirh to protect Merzia, and you still have a personal vendetta to settle. If we work together, we can both achieve our goals.”
“No, I want to stay as far away from him as possible.”
“Don’t you understand that he’ll keep following you forever if you keep running away? As long as he’s alive, you’ll never be free. You have to end this. Let’s make a deal: I’ll help you and you’ll help me. By working together, we can defeat him.”
Lilith squinted. Could she trust him?
“I won’t lie, I’m not doing this for you. My objectives are protecting the king and this country. But I don’t have any reason to hurt you. I promise you that, as long as it doesn’t stop me from obtaining my objectives, I’ll protect you, but I don’t see any reason why protecting you would get in the way of achieving my goals.”
He looked her straight in the eye. Lilith couldn’t fathom what was going through his mind, so she shrugged. “With you by my side I may find the courage.”
Ferhdessar extended his hand and she shook it. “In that case, we have a deal, Lilith. I truly believe we will all benefit from this.”
10
Ghalatea guided her horse down the path leading out of the city and onto the plain. Now and again she encountered people on wagons leaving the city or coming from the opposite direction. Some greeted her. The Ancilla Princeps enjoyed the ride, because the view of the sloping landscape and the trees in the distance was magnificent.
The sun was powerful enough to warm the air, but the temperature on the shady side of the rocks was low enough to make her shiver.
After a while she reached the foot of the rocks. Ghalatea spurred on her horse and hurriedly rode in the direction of the army camp, situated to the right. She was elated to see her husband again, even if it was to say goodbye.
She had to wait for the gates to open, but as soon as she rode through them, two guards walked up to her.
“Ghalatea, are you here to say goodbye to your husband?” one of them asked cheerfully.
She could immediately tell by his walk that it was Olav. His leg had been wounded during a mission and now he was a guard of the fortress. Ghalatea gave him a friendly smile and asked if he knew where Rogan could be found. Olav nodded. “He’s probably at headquarters.” Ghalatea rode on.
“He’ll be pleased to see you again, Ghalatea!” he called after her.
She turned around and waved. “He’s not the only one.”
Ghalatea rode past
the barracks, which were unoccupied at this time of the day. She smiled as she remembered the time when Rogan was also still accommodated in one of these buildings. Back then, it had always been a challenge to find a place where they could be alone for a little while. Fortunately, her husband had a room of his own now where they could retire to whenever she came to visit him.
Even though she couldn’t see the shooting ranges behind the barracks, the loud bangs told her that the soldiers were busy training. Rifles had been introduced into the army not all that long ago, and her husband had complained that they were much too inconvenient. He, and many other older soldiers, preferred the sword to weapons that had to be reloaded after each shot.
Rogan was commander of a fighting unit and Ghalatea would have liked to see him use a rifle. Because that would mean he could hide in some bushes and take out the enemy from a great distance without running any risks himself. When she had said this to him, however, Rogan had sneered, “Right, and then every enemy in the wide vicinity knows where I am, and they can all throw themselves at me at the same time.” Ghalatea had been sure that he was overreacting, but she had dropped the issue.
At the fortified headquarters she was again greeted by a soldier.
This one was still very young and she didn’t recognize him.
“My lady, what brings you to this fortress?”
“Could you please inform lord Rogan that his wife is here to see him?” she asked as she dismounted.
This clearly aroused the young man’s curiosity and he observed her closely. She noticed his gaze lingering on her veil. Ashamed, Ghalatea briefly averted her eyes. But then she looked him straight in the eye and snapped at him, “At once!”
The man flinched and quickly bowed before he walked inside. The other guard chuckled, but Ghalatea gave him an angry glare. The soldier immediately went back to staring straight ahead.
Ghalatea let her gaze wander across the vast square. Nothing indicated that the soldiers were preparing to leave the fortress. The square was empty. The four watchtowers soared high above her and stood out against the blue sky. The guards inside the towers walked around calmly, everything was quiet.
Ghalatea turned around to the sound of doors opening. Rogan came walking out. His grey hair glittered in the sunlight. He wore the same uniform as the Royal Guard, but being commander of a fighting unit, the colours of his clothes were brown and green. The golden symbol of the Merzian kingdom was clearly visible on his chest. Below the symbol he wore the emblem of his unit: a white mare without a horn. It was an homage to Ghalatea. Yvar allowed his commanders to pick their own emblems, because he was aware of the power that could radiate from them. Ghalatea was proud that her husband had insisted on this symbol for his unit’s emblem.
This, however, wasn’t the uniform Rogan wore on missions. This was his ceremonial uniform. Her husband wouldn’t often be seen wearing his battle gear while he was in the fortress, because it was worn-out and dirty due to the blood that was soaked into the fabric. His eyes were beaming and he kissed her.
“Rogan…”
Ghalatea blushed and pointed at the two guards. They were pretending not to have seen anything. The young soldier’s cheeks were still red.
“Ghalatea, the entire world can know that I love you. It has been way too long since we saw each other last.” He put her arm in his.
“Are you busy?” she asked as they walked away. Her horse would be brought to the stables by another soldier.
“Most of the preparations have been taken care of, so I can spend the rest of the afternoon with you.”
“That’s nice,” Ghalatea said, smiling.
After Rogan had closed the door of his room he asked, “What did you do to that young guard? He was shaking like a leaf when he came to tell me you were here.”
Ghalatea shrugged. Rogan walked up to her and took her in his arms. His beard pricked her forehead and she could feel his body heat and his muscles through his clothes.
“He stared at your face too long, didn’t he?”
She nodded.
“When will you finally understand that men look at you because you’re beautiful and not because of your scar?”
“Rogan, he could have been my grandson!” she called out in dismay, “You can’t fool me any more.”
“You look much younger than you really are, and I think you’re gorgeous.”
Ghalatea looked up at him, smiling. Rogan was the only one who could say that and make her believe he was sincere. He caressed her face and gave her another kiss.
“I was hoping you would come.”
Ghalatea sat down next to Rogan when he seated himself on the sofa. “I couldn’t let you leave without saying goodbye, now could I,” she said.
“Will you stay here tonight? We’re leaving in the morning.”
“I’d love to stay, Rogan. The palace will be so empty the coming months. Even though I can’t see you regularly, I often look down, because I know you’re at the fortress. It’s different when I know that you’re not here.”
Rogan smiled. “I do the same thing. Sometimes I even think that I see you. And who knows, maybe I do.”
They talked some more about how they were both doing and then Rogan asked, “Do you know anything about lord Yvar’s prisoner? I was told that she served the man who’s now threatening Merzia.”
Ghalatea told him a few things about Lilith. She still got angry when she thought about everything the woman had done. But what annoyed her most, was that her faith in the prisoner had been unjustified. She had been deaf to what others had been trying to tell her, because Lilith had seemed so helpless. Her husband clearly picked up on her frustrations.
“The way I see it, she’s a soldier who followed orders. She’s well trained.”
“But you wouldn’t do things like that if you were asked to, would you?” she asked horrified.
Rogan thought about that for a moment. “If this Kasimirh were to attack us next week, I would have no qualms about fighting back. If the king orders us to attack him on his own territory, I will do that. Is that any different from what Lilith has done?”
“She has killed so many people.”
“Because she is so much stronger. A soldier carries out his commander’s orders. A soldier doesn’t ask questions.”
Ghalatea stared at her hands and shrugged. Her husband’s words made her question her feelings. “You fight against other soldiers. There were innocent people among Lilith’s victims: women and children. People who never so much as touched a weapon and didn’t stand a chance against her.”
“I’m not saying that what she did isn’t horrible. But did she have a choice?”
Ghalatea shrugged and thought about Aida. The bell on top of the building started to toll.
“Time to eat.”
Ghalatea nodded. They walked arm in arm to the dining room. They were again greeted by Olav. He grabbed a few rolls of bread from a dish and put them on the plates in front of them. He also served them some vegetables and meat. Before they started their meal, however, they folded their hands and Rogan led in prayer.
“Tomorrow you’ll return to the place where you first met her, Rogan,” Olav said with his mouth full, after they had eaten in silence for a while.
Ghalatea gave a bashful smile. Her cheeks turned an even deeper shade of red when Rogan answered, “I knew from the very first moment I laid eyes on her that I would love her forever.”
His hand briefly touched her arm and she nodded. Teasingly she said to Olav, “I had no choice but to marry him. His letters were very clear about that.”
Olav laughed and Rogan pretended to be offended, “Unbelievable, I go out of my way for her and this is what I get in return.”
“That’s true, Ghalatea, he was punished with many extra chores because his mind was occupied with you instead of with the threat posed by Margal,” Olav said.
“That’s what I meant, I had no choice,” Ghalatea winked. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I
couldn’t wish for a better husband than Rogan.”
Her husband gave a satisfied smile. Ghalatea thought back to thirty-seven years ago. She didn’t have any recollections of their first meeting, but she had heard many stories about it. First from the nurses, but later also from soldiers and from Rogan himself.
Ghalatea’s flight from Margal’s followers had led her to the southern fortress. Severely weakened, she had collapsed upon reaching safety. Rogan had caught her and carried her to sick-quarters. He hadn’t left her bedside until she was brought to Nadesh with the other refugees.
Ghalatea hadn’t come to until she was in the palace. The stories about Rogan, and the letters he wrote her, were a small ray of hope that had kept her going. She had fallen for Rogan even before she had seen him.
“We teased him a lot,” Olav said.
Rogan protested, but Ghalatea laughed. “Still, I was told that you took over many of his duties, so that he could stay with me during those first few days,” she added.
“I won’t ever forget that,” Rogan said gratefully.
Olav shrugged. “You would have done the same for me.”
As they continued eating, laughter could be heard coming from their table time and again. The two men had been best friends for many years. Even during the war started by Margal, their friendship already went back quite a few years. Later, Ghalatea had also developed a strong bond with Olav. So he had been best man at their wedding.
The next morning Ghalatea woke up in Rogan’s arms. He softly caressed her shoulder and whispered, “It’s always wonderful to have you here with me. This will keep me going for months. Which is not to say that I won’t miss you.”
Ghalatea sat up and kissed him. “I know.”
Then she got up to get dressed. She washed in front of the mirror. As always, she turned her head away so she only saw the undamaged side of her face. Rogan got up as well and went to stand behind her. He grabbed hold of her head and turned it in the direction of the mirror.
The Lilith Trilogy Box Set Page 15
