by L K Walker
“I don't think she's sorry, Mummy.”
“Oh dear, Ari, you could be right,” Judith groaned. She turned Ari to face her. “Honey, you have to stop saying these things. Grown-ups don't like other people knowing what they're feeling. They get very embarrassed. So, please, please, if you know that a grown-up has been naughty, or if they're really sad, or if they're anything at all, please Ari, don't tell everyone. Understand?”
Ari gazed at her mother while she processed her mother's pleadings. “But if Josh or Lydie or Cory has been naughty, I can tell you?”
“Yes, honey, you can tell me if the other kids have been naughty.”
“Or if Daddy's been naughty?”
“Well, yes, if it's Daddy, but you come and whisper in my ear, okay?”
“Okay. I’m sorry for being bad, Mummy.” She widened her eyes and stared up at Judith hoping her punishment wouldn’t be too bad.
“Oh sweetie, you haven’t been. Did you know that Nana said I did the same when I was a kid? You just notice things more than others. You’ll grow out of it. I did.”
Ari clung to her mother until she felt the distress ebb out of Judith, to be replaced by a comforting love that made everything alright again.
four
Work had been dead boring for Ari, Sunday shifts always were. Thankfully, she had a bonfire at the beach to look forward to. She checked her Facebook invite to make sure it was still on. Excitement stirred as she scrolled through the names of her friends who had said they would go. The weekend had been monotonous, well, Nevaeh had been. She had spent most of her time going on about Michelle and Matt. Ari had calmly listened, nodding here and there, as required.
Ari needed—no craved a distraction, and a night at the beach would do nicely. She tossed up whether to drink or not and decided against it. The dollars she would save would buy so much more in Phuket and she could even drag in a few more dollars by offering to be the sober driver. Her friends gratefully supported the idea, texting her to ask for a ride.
Everyone loves the sober driver. That should be my bumper sticker.
“Guess who’s chippin’ in for petrol then,” she texted back.
*****
The car rocked its way over the unsealed beach car park scattered with potholes. Ari tried to dodge the worst of them. Recognising several familiar vehicles lined up next to one another, Ari turned the wheel and slotted into an empty spot right next to the track leading down to the beach.
The sand dunes ran along the length of the car park and carried on as far as the eye could see in both directions. The golden mounds, interspersed with flax bushes, obstructed any view of the beach. A warm breeze blew, bringing with it the smell of the ocean. It whipped up the sand, making it dance along the car park towards them like pixelated ballerinas.
As Ari climbed over the crest of the sand dunes, she could see they were among the last to arrive. She spotted some of the guys busy marking out the court for a game of Ultimate Frisbee and others dragging in dry wood, which they then stacked up for a bonfire.
“Well damn, the girls are actually on time,” Tim called. He was standing in the middle of the Frisbee court, shirtless, showing off his well-tanned torso.
Ari stopped on the crest of the hill, her gaze sweeping over her friends. Her heart sank a little as she realised how different it would be next year when they all went off to different universities or started new jobs away from here. She stepped down the hill, the sand giving way beneath her, making each stride longer than was possible. Her gloom didn't last long. A Frisbee, flying at her head, snapped her out of the daydream. She ducked, just in time for it to sail past and lodge in the dune behind.
A belated cry of “heads up” came from a stocky guy sporting a stylised map of New Zealand tattooed on his chest, formed from unfurling fern fronds. Mike gave her a cheesy smile and a wave, making the fronds dance on his chest.
Mike and Luke were partners in crime. Separately they were both smart arses; together, well, together they could be side-splittingly funny or infuriating, depending on your mood.
Mike jerked his head towards his side of the court. “You’re on my side, shorty,” he called to Ari before Luke had a chance to. As she threw her jandals and bag on the ground to take her place on the opposing team, she noticed the hurt look on Luke’s face. He must be putting it on.
They had been playing for almost two hours and the light was starting to fade. Ari ran into the end zone waiting to receive the Frisbee. She managed to clamp down on it as it came hurtling towards her, a fraction of a second before Luke made a desperate tackle that knocked her to the ground, pinning her beneath him. Ari spat sand at him, along with a few choice phrases, as, laughing, he rolled off her and onto his side. He leapt up with a big grin on his face.
“Come on gorgeous, you can help me start the fire.” He offered her his hand.
Ari took it, and he dragged her up, momentum carrying her forward, making her stagger. She placed a hand on Luke’s chest to steady herself. At the same moment, his arm found her waist. Only a few inches separated them. This wasn’t their usual flirtation, there was too much tension. Ari could hear her breath heave and tried to tell herself it was from the exercise. Unsure what to say, she stood still, staring up at him. There was something different in the look he gave her. His lips twitched as if he might say something, then parted a slither before sealing back up. The silence dragged on longer than polite conversation allowed. A queer look crossed his face before giving way to a sleazy smirk and a couple of shrugs of his eyebrows. That broke the tension. Ari rolled her eyes, let her hand fall from his chest and turned towards the bonfire, hoping he wouldn’t see her blushing. He followed along, putting an arm around her shoulders and razzing her hair with his free hand. Sand scattered to the ground. Ari playfully punched him in the stomach as they walked up the beach, just like usual.
The fire roared and crackled in front of them. Small sparks flew into the air and extinguished in the breeze. The flickering flames threw dancing shadows on the ground behind them. For a moment, Ari was reminded of the shadows in the garden, and a tinge of fear niggled at her. She scanned the dark horizon behind her, but nothing caught her attention. Someone's trilling laugh broke through her dread. She willed herself to absorb the feelings of the friends around her—jovial and safe.
“Ari, are you going to answer me?” Nevaeh asked. “Talk to me, sweet pea. You've gone zombie on me.”
Ari dragged herself back to the conversation, nodding agreement to whatever had been suggested.
“Come on then. My bum is getting cold on the sand.” Nevaeh waved her arms, beckoning her friend to follow. Ari rose to her feet and traipsed towards the line of driftwood. It wasn't long before a few large logs sat around the outside of the fire and they settled in for the evening.
The heat of the fire warmed Ari’s front, and the cool night breeze licked at her back. Sleep tugged at her eyelids, and as much as she wanted to stay, she stood up, stretched to relieve the numbness in her muscles and announced she was leaving.
The car’s passengers all got to their feet. Lisa had to unhook her face from Anthony’s. It was hard to tell whether they were back together, or whether alcohol had fuelled their hormones, making it only a temporary thing. Lisa tripped backwards over the log she had been sitting on, falling flat on the sand. Her shriek and then howling laughter broke through the air. An alcohol-induced hook up was looking more likely.
Only the fading light of the bonfire and a quarter moon lit the track back to the car. Ari followed along, on the heels of her friends, as they trudged over the dunes. In the distance, the breaking waves glittered like a shattered mirror.
Ari heard footfalls behind her; more of a rustle than a stomp. She turned to see who it was. Although she recognised the figure coming towards her, it wasn’t until he was in front of her that Luke’s face came into focus. There was that feeling again. Without a pause, he ran right up to her, setting his toes in line with hers. Wrapping his arms tightly ar
ound her, he pushed his body hard against hers. She could feel all of him. This time, she couldn’t blame her erratic breathing on exercise.
“Ari.” Luke’s ragged breath filled her ears.
She concentrated on his lips, waiting for what he was going to say, too nervous to look him in the eye. Cautiously, his lips moved towards hers until they found their target. She wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t this tentative kiss. She tilted her head to the side to get closer, and he took the invitation she offered. His mouth crushed against hers, his tongue pushing its way past her lips, finding its way in, tasting her. His hand softly pushed on the back of her head, greedily trying to devour more of her. And then it was over, as quickly as it had begun. They stood there, face to face; his with the look of a naughty school boy, perhaps scared of what she might say. A smile crept onto Ari’s face, and she bit at her bottom lip. She said nothing. Her brain tried to process what had happened while her body screamed out for more. Luke came in close again, giving her a long kiss on the cheek.
“Bye Ari, see you tomorrow,” he promised before turning back to the bonfire.
Ari's heart pounded in her chest. His taste was still in her mouth. She had always told herself he wasn’t interested, that he had a type, and she wasn’t it. But, wow, what just happened made it a hell of a lot more confusing. She watched him stagger as he walked away. Maybe it had been the beers talking—but then again, she considered, maybe not.
Ari caught up with the others. If they had seen Luke and her making out, they would be teasing her relentlessly by now.
“You okay?” Nevaeh asked, dropping into the passenger seat. “You’re looking a little flushed.”
“I’m fine,” Ari replied before turning on the ignition. The stereo blared, Justin Timberlake's voice punching out Can’t Stop the Feeling, and the drunks in the back started singing along. Nevaeh didn’t ask any more questions. And Ari didn’t tell.
five
The air was cool and hardly a breath of wind stirred the green leafy trees lining the street. The blue sky above lacked its usual summer fervour, suggesting that a cold front was on its way. The weather had been the least of Ari’s concerns when she had wrenched on her trainers to walk to school. Now, she hoped it wouldn't rain before she got home. As she wandered along, so too did her thoughts. Luke’s sumptuous lips thrusting up against hers was on repeat in her head. The memory resulted in an involuntary smirk, and she looked around to make sure no one was watching.
The happiness in those memories started to deflate. They became tinged with an unwelcome emotion, flickering at the edge of her thoughts, a strange sadness that was out of place. For no particular reason, her eyes suddenly welled with tears. She shook her head to rid herself of the melancholy, which receded again to the edges, not disappearing, but held at bay. She tucked away her thoughts of Luke for a time when she could enjoy them. Before long, she had walked the 30 minutes it took to get to school.
School never gave Ari a feeling of excitement, but the gnawing sensation in her stomach, escalating with each step, was not her usual experience leading up to the gates. As the feelings of anxiety and nausea deepened, Ari felt tempted to turn around and make a run for it; to disappear back home and hide under the sheets. She stopped and stared back in the direction she had just come from. The thought of having to trudge all the way back again was not enticing. Ari forced her feet to move, one after the other, towards the gates.
It’ll pass. She tried to convince herself. The pale yellow building of the western block loomed over her, echoing the flutter of bird wings in the empty grounds. The air around her suddenly felt thick and stale, as if a dense fog engulfed her. Ari’s shoulders slumped forward and her back hunched. She swore to herself, wishing she had gone home when she had a chance. It was too late now. With every inch of her body, she knew something was wrong. It dragged her down. She couldn’t get away from it. But she kept walking, desperate to know what it was.
Grief drowned her as her palm hit the classroom door handle. Sounds of crying surged through the slats in the wooden door and anguish lashed at her like tidal waves. Ari stood, hand wrapped around the handle. She took a deep breath to steady herself and walked in.
Everywhere she looked, she saw people crying or trying desperately not to. They stood in groups of three or four. The room was full, but so few talked, mouths sealed against the horror. It didn’t matter. All the hugging and shaking of heads said more than enough. Mr Stanley sat solemnly at his desk, rubbing his forehead with his first finger and thumb. For the first time since Ari had been in his class, the strong and commanding man, who normally stood proud at the whiteboard, looked feeble and reserved. Ari stepped in and closed the door behind her. The latch clicked back into place with enough noise to draw the attention of the group standing closest to her. Lisa and two other girls who had been at the bonfire, one by one, lifted their eyes to Ari’s face. Bewildered, Ari stared at them. Their eyes were red and ragged. Tracks made by tears were visible on their cheeks.
Ari focussed on Lisa, caught her eyes and held them intently. The look returned was one of sheer pity.
“Oh Ari, you haven't heard,” Lisa gasped, a fresh flow of tears falling down her cheeks.
“Heard what?” Ari’s voice sounded too loud, too rough, as it bounced off the walls.
“Mike and Luke, last night …” Lisa paused, as if in search of the right words. “Mike had downed a few drinks. He was driving. Totalled his car.”
Lisa’s voice was as fractured as her sentences. Her tears came faster. She dropped her head and stared at the ground. Her shoulders started to shake. Drops sploshed to the floor at her feet. Next to Lisa, Kaitlyn also had a fresh run of tears. She took Lisa by the shoulders, turning her around then hugging her tightly.
Ari had one question. She already knew the answer, but she had to hear someone say it, out loud. She had to hear the words spoken in order to believe it. But Ari didn't want to ask. Once heard, there would be no going back. As she waited, comforted by her ignorance, there was still hope Mike and Luke lay in hospital beds somewhere, not dead. There was still hope they were alive. But her blissful ignorance was soon stolen from her. Kaitlyn, looking over Lisa's shoulders, spoke the words that she both needed to hear and that she would have given anything not to be true. “They were both killed.”
Ari couldn't imagine life without them. Without Luke.
Bye Ari, see you tomorrow. Luke's last words reverberated in her head, and the feeling of his lips returned, tormenting her. The butterflies that had fluttered their wings at his touch now ripped her stomach wide open.
Ari had never known anyone close to her die before. The agony in her chest took her by surprise, knocking the wind out of her. For a moment, her body forgot its basic functions. She had to make herself fill her lungs with air and force it back out, again and again, and even then the breaths were sharp and uncontrolled. She felt a tickle on her face and reached up to see what it was. When she moved her hand away, all she saw was clear liquid dripping from her fingertips.
A fierce sob racked her body. Once she realised she was already crying, there was nothing to hold back the deluge. Her legs weakened, and she stumbled to a desk, nearly tipping the chair over as she grabbed at it. She dropped into the hard seat and sheltered her face with arms on the desk, shutting the world out. Her body convulsed as the tears streamed from an endless waterfall. An arm slid along her back, offering her comfort, but all she could feel was its weight. Ari didn't even look up to see who it was. For a while, her mind was lost, trying so hard to find a way out of the pain. But death is final.
*****
Although the tears had dried up, her mind was still numb when they filed out of school into the carpark. They drove in a convoy out to the beach where they had spent their last night together. Ari took up an offer of the spare seat in Kaitlyn's car. She was glad she hadn't brought hers. She could barely see through the teary haze. Driving would not have been an option. All the passengers remained sile
nt. A stereo speaker, positioned behind Ari’s head, blocked out any other noise, giving her a private audience with the singer, the mournful melody drawing her in and making her heart ache.
Shadows from the large pine trees along the roadside submersed the car in gloom. They arrived at the crash site too soon. Ari had envisaged the scene devoid of any colour, but the sharp hues of bright bunches of flowers lay at the base of the tree, a memorial to Luke and Mike already started. The Police’s highlighter spray-paint, fresh on the road, marked out the car’s final path. When they rounded the tree itself, the site of the impact was undeniable. Shards had been ripped clean from the trunk and branches hung in a mangled mess.
Without even realising she was doing it, Ari imagined their last moments. Luke and Mike’s bright faces laughing, just as she had seen them do so many times before, and then came the impact. She tried to force the images from her head, but they had burrowed in like an old, well-used memory. Turning away from the horror, instead she watched mindlessly as the houses zipped past the other side of the car.
Ari sat on the beach with the others as they told stories, not contributing, just listening. She watched as the high tide lapped at the remains of the Frisbee court lines drawn in the sand. Grief consumed her. At some stage, Nevaeh had sat down next to her and draped an arm around her shoulders, but she didn't know how long ago that had been. Now, she looked around to find the group had already started to disperse.
Nevaeh patted her shoulder. “Come on, it’s time we went home. I’ve borrowed Mum’s car. I can drop you off.”
Ari turned up the corners her mouth, the attempt at a smile an acceptance of the offer. She wished she could get away from the pain, or that it would somehow lessen. Right now that just didn't seem possible.
six
Ari wanted nothingness. No sadness, no tears, no huge hole in her chest. Darkness made it worse, as if she had a blackboard where her soul had once been, with nothing to look at to take her mind from the grief. Dawn brought little relief. She dragged herself out of bed and into the bathroom. The constant patter of water running down her body helped to numb her mind.
